Self-insight in a REALLY long post.

I grew up really quickly in some ways and have been frequently pegged as being wise beyond my years, or extremely mature. In other ways, though I'm VERY much let the child in the back seat of my brain drive. I've been going through an ongoing lesson about something these last few months, but it came to a head on Friday and I'm struggling with my first concious baby steps today.

You MUST do what you need to do,

ESPECIALLY when you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do it.

Frankly this seems reasonable, logical, and a given - common sense. And for most things that I jsut don't like doing, it doesn't really apply. I can do things I'm not excited about, things I don't care about, or things that are painful, but short lived without too much hemming and hawing. But I have a few things I REALLY REALLY don't want to do or don't like to do or just have an evil aversion to. This main issue recently is getting back on track with my health goals. In this case, the small child living in my brain (don't worry - she's fictionary and doesn't take up too much space) screams at me:

"NO! NO! NO!

I don't WANT TO!

It's not FAIR! It's HAAAAAARD. And I don't want to!

I was going to be all grown up and I could do WHATEVER I wanted

and I wouldn't HAVE to do things I didn't want to do.

That's the only GOOD thing about being a stuipd adult."

I want to be healthy and happy and keep up with my friends during activities. I want desperately to fit into all these pretty clothes that don't fit right now. But I'm feeling this powerful draining aversion to getting started again.

Besides just being a pain in the ass and whining, my child brain whines: Changing my habits are SOoooooo hard. It takes Sooooooo much energy. It CONSUMES all my time and there are SO many things I'd rather do (and eat!). It'll take forever to reach my healthy goal. Not forever, but at least 6 months of intense, life consuming working out and tracking and obsessive counting of calories. I was THERE before. I know how much it takes to get there and stay there and that was when I was excited about it. I'm not now.

But I know it's worth it. For So Very Many Reasons.

Clothes: they have their own section:

1. To fit into all the beautiful clothes I so desperatly want to fit into. And to buy clothes I want to buy instead of being regulated to a small subset of clothes I ONLY fit into.
2. I can buy cute tights (and knee high socks) and not have to worry they'll be too small
3. Right now I can't buy most calf / thigh boots because I have large legs.
4. Garter belts. Garter belts. And then some more.
5. Regular belts will FIT, as of right now my waist is too large for most "normal" belts
6. Pretty sexy under garments - nuff said. Every girl wants them, every guy likes them. They look better on smaller girls.

The rest of the Reasons - the important ones:

1. I won't feel like when my friends make comments of larger people they apply to me. That hurts. It's not something people think of, but it's true. You dislike someone and list their flub/overweight as part of that reason - I weight just as much or more - you're commenting on me too whether or not you want to be, you are.
2. I'll take better pictures for my blog.
3. Less aches - it hurts the knees and back to carry around these extra lbs.
4. To be as attractive on the outside as I feel on the inside.
5. To increase my self-confidence.
6. Simple, stupid, but important-to-me reasons, crossing legs will be easier, I could sit in smaller areas (like the bus and cars) without feeling squished, airplane seas will be ~sort of~ more comfy (they're never REALLY comfortable)
7. To be able to keep up with my friends, or give them a run for their money when we go out together. I'd like to be the one that wears out the last instead of the one that wears out the first.
8. To increase the chances of being healthy enough to have the fibromayalgia suddenly dissapear. Then I can get off the medication. It's a shot in the dark, but the fibromayalgia occurence was from out of the dark as well.

I know the little girl complaining stems from simplistic, base fears. I'm afraid of failing. I know it's MORE of a failure if I don't do anything at all (and ignore it) - but I'm vastly more afraid of trying and failing than I am of not doing it all. And what if I go through all that hard work and end up back where I started? What if I start and it's hard/difficult/painful and I don't possess the strength of will to carry through with it? What will that say about my character? That is what's bothering me most about all of this. What does it say about my character that I continually have problems following through to the end with this? Where is my stamina and my strength of will to do what I need to do when I REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. I'm letting my fear stand in the way of me being who I want to be. And that's not like me.

So I'm starting over - againagainagainagain, even though I said was starting "again" in this post. I sounded very gung-ho there. Really excited. Super into it. Problem was I got myself psyched up and was relying on my enthusiasm and my "stoked about it" feelings to keep me going. When that ran out (pretty quickly) I had no backbone of structure for myself to rely on. My attention wavered. I got interested in fashion, I started making jewelery, I started making some clothing pieces, sewing by hand. All of these I started to get SUPER exctied about. And like a child, where I saw shiny pretty I ran off to and left my obligations behind. And at this point I have an obligation to meet my goals set oh-so-long ago to be healthy and achieve my target weight. An obligation to myself, to those around me who love me (if I'm healthy it'll be more time they can spend with me later on and I'm happier when I'm healthy).

So I'm going to do these things that I'm afraid to do. I'm going to give myself reasons why I can instead of reasons why I can't. I want qualities like determination and bulldog tenacity to something I want (even if I'm afraid of what it might take to get there). So I'm going to act as if I already have them. Because I know even though I don't have the enthusiasm *now* I will in a while (not a day or two, but a month or so). Because after I start doing it, the motivation will come naturally. Milton Garland: "My advice is to go into something and stay with it until you like it. You can't like it until you obtain expertise in that work. And once you are an expert, it's a pleasure." Not like I'm expecting to become an expert, but good enough to know a thing or two. Besides, "That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember." Thomas Fuller.

Basically, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be proud of the strength of will and power I posses not only mentally, but eventually strength and power physically as well. And some sexieness to boot. 'Cause that never hurts.

So....to the gym tonight. My plan is still to do something along the lines of a sprint triathalon, although the one in july I was planning for is all sold out. So a revamping of short term-mid term- and long term goals is required.

You know - this really isn't all that bad though, going through this back and forth IF I really learn the lesson this time. It takes some people a LONG time to learn simple lessons like this one. That's what life is. So all I need to do to make ALL this time "wasted" actually worth it is to take to heart that:

I MUST Do What I Need To Do....

ESPECIALLY When I Really REALLY Really Don't Want To Do It.