Friday, January 29, 2010


Maybe 1 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep....not quite sure.  10 hour work day.  Haven't had a day to myself since something like two weeks.  I'm tired and supremely happy.

I was so busy I forgot my dear mothers birthday.  HORRIBLE daughter!


I'm now going to sit down and watch some mindless TV, eat a frozen pizza and revel in the beer I've had.  Things have been really beautiful and amazing - Antonio Banderas' "NINE" movie musical was just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen in the most amazing theatre.

In the past week I've learned a few things:  Be who you really really really are - even if it's scary, even if it's not socially acceptable, even if it's something you've always been shying away from since you were self-aware.

Be happy.   That's ALL that really matters.

Don't hurt others.  It's not nice.

Be respectful.

Communicate.  Communicate.  Communicate.

And then communicate some more, even if it makes you scared, makes you sad, makes you afraid.  Because fear is simply a useless chain that holds you down.

I AM happy, I'm exclastic.  I AM being who I always wanted to be.  Granted, this has booked me beyond my capabilities sometimes (such as missing my mothers birthday), but it's been more than worth it.

Thank you.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Been Busy

So it's been one of those times when my social calendar has needed managing.  Which is difficult for me sometimes.  I've done tons of blues dancing and drinking/catching up with friends

Thursday 1/7/10 Paul and I went on the .83 cycling club’s annual Christmas Tree Burning ride. Check out his photos from his flicker site. So we stayed up really late that night as well. After the Golden Gardens burnination we went to a bar and shot pool for a while afterwards. It was SUPER FUN!!!

I also have physically met new friends (who're really amazing), and had challenging dinner to put together -- I had made dinner plans with friends on the same day Paul had booked tickets for Avatar and that was a huge rush.  I hadn’t gone grocery shopping and they’re vegan. Hrm. I ended up making Falafals and Cumin Potatoes and Caramelized Onions with Green Beans and Pita Bread/Hummus with a Flourless Chocolate Cake.

I had a few unexpected occurrences, both happy and sad. Let's just say everyone around me, including me, had some severe emotional issues for a few days there and they all ended up overlapping.  During this turbulent time, I also forgot to pick up my medication which meant I went through a day or two of intense withdrawals.  Stupid body not working right.  So I was out sick Sunday and Monday and have just felt like I'm catching up.

Really, though it's a breather since this weekend's jam packed with birthdays and meeting new people and pre parties and fun lunches!!

So I'm not gone, just busy.

Monday, January 11, 2010

A word that doesn't exist.

I was in a state of being last night -
it was a word that doesn't exist.
Sounding like my heart slowly beating
in tune to memories clouded and washed over
with regret and repentance -
with longing and love tucked away
for safe keeping -
with nostalgia and childhood hurts
that heal imperceptibly slow.
This word means the soul wrenching sorry I feel
when I never got to say it
to the one person that it'd matter to the most.
It would be a recognition that who I was
is not who I am now.
I've learned things that weigh on my mind.
This non-word would be said with conviction
braced up by my heart, rooted in my soul,
with all of my voice.
But as much as I feel it,
as much as I know how it hurts
and how it heals,
this is the word that does not exist.

Besides, you aren't here to hear it.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Past Reflections.

The new year is a time where everyone reflects on the past year and the year ahead.  I like reflection both on the past and the future, so I'm going to.

2008 end was traumatic and hectic and the - well the image below is appropirate.

2009 was the creation of a whole new me. 
New settings.  New life.  New boyfriend. 
New desires, new drives, new complicaitons. 
New pretty much everything.

So I took the barren landscape that was left over

and I started to recreate.
Trying for a colorful place in myself I'd be more at home in.

It was really different.  I learned a lot and grew as a person. I had an absolutely AMAZING man to share my life with who helped me grow as a person.  I started a blog, which I've grown to really love.  Although some times it's hard to keep going with it.  My attention span wanders quite a lot.  For INSTANCE:

Biking and being "gnar"
I really started my love love relationship with cycling.  I mountain bike raced a few times and around March was the fittest I was ever - at 200 lbs. I GOT my cyclocross/road bicycle and it's beautiful!  I'm still in love with it (although I've had too many stupid flat tires recently.)  I got a dual suspension mountain bike which was beautiful and I loved riding her - until I sprained my ribcage and got some pretty bad dirt rash on my forarms.  That was a first as well - not something I'd recommend.

I wasn't the girl who liked shopping, or clothes.  I had three pairs of shoes.  Running, flip flops, and work shoes.  Maybe a pair of spiffy shoes I hadn't worn in four years stuffed in the back of my closet. Now.........Well, now it's a constant love of mine.  I'm excited to see how the future turns out in relation to my aesthetic choices. 

Medicine and Me
I went off the anti-depressants I'd been on forever, dealt with some hormonal repurcussions of another medication, and ended up in the worst physical stated I'd ever been in.  CCS/Fibromayalgia became the center of my depression filled pain wracked world.  And there were no answers.  No end in sight to the fatigue.  It was scary and horrible and the worst thing I've gone through.  I had to readjust all my expectations of what I could do (like walk 4 blocks) and I was so sad.

Then I went back on low does of the SSRI for the nerve pain dampening effects and felt mostly all the way better.

Health and Others
This past year sucked for a lot of my loved ones on the health side.  Dee had major surgery and it was really traumatic for me.  (I got sick).  My dad was in the hospital around Halloween and it wasn't touch and go, but it wasn't something that was an in and out either.  Other's have also had health issues.  This really was bad.  I didn't like it at all.

Stressful.  Learning a lot, but it's really been a crappy year for our industry and it had major ramifications on my ability to be peppy several times. 

Paul lost his job and started his dream career of trying to get published.  Besides the financial affect it has had - it's wonderful having him home and happy and cleaning :)

New Things
  1. I went kayaking for the first time.
  2. I've met many many wonderful wonderful people.  YAY!!
  3. I've seen a few BEAUTIFUL operas.
  4. I've done some AMAZING hikes.
  5. I went to California for the first time and had a life altering experience there.
  6. I got a beautiful haircut/color I'm in love with.
  1. I have the rest of this freaking goal to achieve - getting to that damn target weight.  I've lost a LOT of ground since my 200 lb low mark.  I'm tired of this and I realize I've been bitching about this for ages.  This isn't my new years goal.  This is my promise to myself.  I WILL DO the things I have no desire to do sometimes - I WILL put in the effort to get to where I want to be.
    1. This morning was a great example. I  woke up - it's pouring.  I'm tired from the major hills I climbed yesterday on my bike looking for houses to rent.  15 miles of lots of elevation after a night at the gym where I seemed to be out to work my legs into a pulp.  I could sleep in and bus it I thought, lying in my warm bed.  It'll be cold and wet outside.  That was my plan until I thought "If I don't want to be this size, I need to bike in."  That did it.  I got up, I made a healthy breakfast and coffee to take in, I loaded up my bag (HEAVY!), made a healthy lunch and biked my little butt into work the 6.5 miles.  I was COMPLETELY SOAKED when I got into work.  Think a long haired cat that's been caught in a hurricane.  Except I was happy.  And proud of myself.  GO me!! 
  2. I'm going to life with Paul and a friend in a house this year.  With a garden.  And house breakfasts on Saturdays where others will be invited.  And there will be lots of storage and room!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!  And people to talk to when I get lonely : )
  3. My brother's graduating from college in March and I'm going back to Kansas.
  4. I have "life" long term goals - after paying off debt/saving up I'm going to california for a bit then across Euope (longer out now since Paul got laid off)

That's it.  I had a good/traumatic/hard/rewarding year.  I'm glad it was there.  I learned a lot.  I backslid several times. But that's the way life goes, right?  I had a freaking SPECTACULAR new year's eve and I'm totally stoked at the beauty, friendship, and adventures the upcoming year holds.  I'd prefer no more CCS-type suprises, though.  A simple request to the universe from a simple girl.