Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation Artist

I see things like this float around on faceboook:

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

And I want to post rants about it.  I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true.  Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another.

It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated.  I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating when you say what you mean, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.

So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above.  Think about what you really mean.  AND THEN SAY IT.

Embrace your radical nature.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Fibro Hell

Sick.  Not feeling Well.  Under the Weather.   I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'.   Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me.  I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs.  Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. 

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense.  I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over.   My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away.  My knee?  Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix.  Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. 

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up.  It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.

I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

bits of broken thoughts....

The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.