Saturday, October 15, 2011


Follow the symptoms
back to the source.
To understand
how to correct
the erred paths
that the body
and mind
have taken.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

What Feeling Better Feels Like

Watching sunrises
over mountains in the distance
from a penthouse window.
While the smell of coffee brewing
wafts over from the kitchen,
and music plays in my ears.

Thank you,
for all you've given me.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Health Update: Fibromyalgia

As a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:

Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.

My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms.

This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.

I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period.
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks.

Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward.

In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health.  And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.

I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better. 

Thank you all so much,


This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness:

Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia -

Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic -

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Random Happy

Hello random happy.
It's nice to see you here,
for the sun is shining,
and even underwater,
everyone is dancing.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation Artist

I see things like this float around on faceboook:

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

And I want to post rants about it.  I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true.  Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another.

It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated.  I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating when you say what you mean, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.

So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above.  Think about what you really mean.  AND THEN SAY IT.

Embrace your radical nature.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Fibro Hell

Sick.  Not feeling Well.  Under the Weather.   I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'.   Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me.  I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs.  Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. 

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense.  I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over.   My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away.  My knee?  Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix.  Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. 

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up.  It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.

I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

bits of broken thoughts....

The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Fork Ring

spiny tines
on the finger
that says
Fuck You.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Waves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.
Sinking in effervescent bubbles
into the darkness that looms from below.
Vast and immense,
fathoms upon fathoms deep.
Then the world shifts
rainbow paths shimmer into view,
woven among the tangled brambles
on the rocky shores below.
Paths winding towards
clearings where aquamarine blues
smooth your way across and down.
The brambles only damaging
when you stray too far.
Winding down deeper,
the shimmering light leads you on.
And the pressure shifts
the farther down you go.
Your body compensates,
evolving it's parameters,
limits expanding.
You grow.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. 

So I say


The two year old screams in my head, "NO!"  I don't want to.  You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable.  A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others.  But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage.  She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you.  Please, let me.  Can I help with that?  Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?"  She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way.  She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own.  She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind.  Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience.  Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards.  To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".

This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days.  It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating.  I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me.  I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me.  I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival.  Because if she says "No.", no one will love her.  If she says "No", people will think she's mean.  If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead.  Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries.  By saying "No" when I mean it.  And repeating it until necessary.  Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside.  They keep you safe.  Boundaries say - "Here.  Here is where I am.  You are over there - as in not in here.  Me - over here.  You - over there.  THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them.  I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes.  To summarize my mini-rant -
  • If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
  • Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
  • Boundaries are extremely important.
  • Consistency and Honesty are the key

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Twisted Tangles

Twisted barbs of past memories
slash through me.
I am bruised and bleeding,
bound and tangled
by the weight
of my misguided feelings of responsibility.
Guilt ridden sobs choke me -
I'm lost in the deep dark waters of self-loathing.
The waters run deep and run so cold.
Swirling the pieces of my broken thoughts
until they impaling my mind
with thier jagged glass edges
slashing through the trembling beams
of my self-esteem.
Until it all falls down.

I harbor within my memory
a refugee.
Displaced and in pain,
Her home burned,
her future uncertain,
her loved ones destroyed.
She's foreign to me now,
from places and times
that're now hard to recognize.
I provide her a solitary haven,
a refuge for her to heal her pain.
But she holds it too close for her to let go.
She guards it with tightened fists
and angry determination.
She clings to it with a desperate need.
Because it fills her up.
It makes her whole.
I let her give it up -
bit by painful bit.
One sob at a time.
There is no rush -
She can hold onto her grief
her sorrow,
for as long as she wants.
No one's going to take it away.
That's not what makes a home.
It's not a place of sorrow.
It has the potential to be a place of safety.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Curling around myself,
my limbs fold back on themselves-
reducing the amount I touch the world
the amount the world touches me.
Shoulders upward, inward,
arms folding in like origami
resting in the hollow of my breasts,
a secure nest made by my ribcage.
Hands relaxing in,
holding the reverberations of my heartbeat
against my breastbone.
Head relaxing in the hollow of my shoulder,
negative space taken up with positive.
Eyes closed,
There is safety here.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

04.07.11 Connections

Iridescent threads
wrapped and woven around each other
looped about,
impossible to trace back,
twisting in between and
through you -
          and her -
                and him -
                          and me -
                                        and we.
Surrounding us.
It's an intertwined tapestry
of ideas and beliefs...
glowing with the
changing morphing beauty
of each person's hopes and dreams.
Taking the wear and tear  from daily life
distributing it out,
each strand standing strong
because they stand together.
A way to soften the blows
that will always come.
Supporting itself
by the concurrent will and strength -
The wisdom 
inherent in each strand,
each being,
each beautiful unique piece.
A work of art in perpetual motion.

I have a dream!

."....And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream....."

I have a dream, that one day - I will have a room.
A room in a house that I already call my home - a room that's mine.
I have a dream that it will be judged not by the pink of its walls, or the sheen of its translucent patterns so decoratively stamped, or the plush of its carpet, but rather by the sum of its parts.  The essence of it's awesome.

For it will be awesome.  Oh, how its awesomeness will shimmer and shine.

I moved into a community house a few weeks ago, and the re-doing of the room has been all consuming.  The past beautiful Sunday morning I took a break in between stripping multiple layers of paint off of the baseboards and ripping out some more baseboards to sit back and think about all that I have left to do, and how far I've come.

The process has been frustrating, exhilarating, cathartic, exhausting, anxiety producing, fun, a bonding experience, and very educational.   Two and a half weeks, already, of sleeping on the couch upstairs and working just about every day on getting the room up to snuff.  I've accomplished with the help of Elizabeth, one of my housemates, a *lot* in that time frame.

Walls were primered and painted, as well as the ceiling, closet holes were patched, sanded, trim in the closet painted.  Baseboards were ripped out. Believe you me,  there's nothing more Amandazonianly satisfying than standing on a ladder working with a crowbar and hammer ripping wood off the walls.  Elizabeth and I took them out in the back yard and slathered stripper stuff all over them.  The stripper compound looks and smells like orange sherbert.  It's a little disturbing how good it smells since it's uber toxic, but it does a good job.  Elizabeth's been helping out tremendously during this whole process and did a great job of stamping the iridescent translucent glaze in red and violet undertones on my pretty pink walls.

So far, there' only a few things left to do....painting the window, stripping the old paint off the baseboards/sanding/repainting them, patching up a few holes that're left, some touch up paint, and installation of pretty curtains and a new more functional doorknob.  Well, that's what I have left to do.  Menfolk of the house are taking care of the rewiring of some electrical outlets and Internet cables and doing the carpet installation. It's so close to being done I can almost taste it!!  The end is near, and I'm very much looking forward to it. 

One day - soon - my dream will be a reality.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Wish Want Love Covet 5

Blah - so much is happening right now that when I sit down to write a blog post I can't keep it under a bazillion words.  I've moved into a community house in which I'm VERY happy at and am both getting my room ready by painting/capret installation and dealing with the fact all my items are strewn everywhere in boxes.  Today is Friday....a relaxing day (for the moment) I thought I'd post up another wish want love covet blog.  No good reason, other than I have some free time and I found some really cute things! 

Squee! I really adore aprons, although most of the ones I like are far too small for my curveacious hips.

Oh my goodness this is so incredibly me.  And snazzy like hot.  Yes!

I am always in favor of the key&lock combination.  This is simple, streamlined, gorgeous, and ridiculously priced for what it is.  Things this expensive just drive me nuts.  Beautiful things should not be beyond everyone's budget. 

Sooo pretty - celtic designs with red garnets?  Delish!

Following along on the whole - I love keys thing.....
this necklace is amazing, although perhaps a bit big for my tastes
...................but who knows? Those things change.

Yeah, I know......the same ol' same ol' red and black, but it's just so damn sexy!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Music and Me!

Mai Li is a friend of mine that I'm using as a guinea pig in an experiment to see how I'd do as a freelance efficiency/organizational/process improving consultant. We had a wonderful get together a few weeks ago and we're getting together next week to discuss the FABULOUS launch party that's happening in May that I'm going to have nifty fun parts in.  While we were discussing the amazingness that will occur, she mentioned there was a youtube video where you can can see bits and pieces of me dancing at the last performance of theirs I went to!

See me dancing? To AWESOME Music!

Mai Li's rad and does amazing music (she's on the electric violin on stage) and she's involved with several bands and has solo things she does -

Mai Li's facebook Page
She put on a "XMas time for Jews" video which went around quite a bit!

The Debaucherauntes is one of the bands she's involved with - Klezmer-gypsy jazz fusion:  Bourgeois Bulletwound is another band she's in, a Rock quartet... with a violin and a bitchin' name!  They have a couple of youtube videos of their songs - Funk/gypsy/blues take on "Ruby Tuesday", "Dreaming of Tomorrow", and a cover of "Purple" (Gogol Bordello) are just a few of the songs they do - they are AMAZING LIVE, so if you're in Seattle tonight for St. Patty's Day, go check out their show at the Ould Triangle!

Friday, February 25, 2011


Purpose Chosen.
Follow Through Required.
With Integrity

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What Helps?

Stress.  You know, that thing that's the leading contributor in more major health disorders than I can count.  Constant stress wears you down, breaks you down, physically and mentally. Check it out.  I mean, the long term effects of chronic or perpetual stress is pretty freaking bad.  Seriously.

There's reasons for it though.  Stress is a great indicator of when things are bothering you.  It's a motivator sometimes to address the issue at hand that's stirring up that Fight or Flight response.  Soooooo...I've been working on ways to identify what things calm down stress, or help me deal with it.

1)I learn to notice stress for the indicator that it is, identify the root cause, and realize it's a message and opportunity to change my life for the better, not something I have to live with forever.

2) Have a good cry. Science says that tears actually get rid of chemicals in body created by stress. 

3) Don't deny or repress your emotions, this only compounds stress.

4) Get a massage

5) Use meditation, and/or creative visualization.

6) Get plenty of rest.

7) Take a vacation - 30 minutes, a day, a weekend! Doing nothing or something I love and find relaxing.

8) Dance.

9) Simplify my life in stages. If someone or something habitually causes me stress, I need to examine their presence in my life.

10) Laugh and have fun with someone.  BE SILLY!

11) Remember I still have power over the attitude I take towards the circumstances in my life.

12) Face up to what's causing the stress until it isn’t stressful anymore.

13) Do something nice for someone else.

14) Organizing - doesn't really matter what - it helps.

15) Talking to other people.


17) Play pretend

18) Bubble Bath

19) Cuddles/Hugs/Pets are always a happy thing. : )

Wish Want Love Covet 4

Pretty and Elegant.  I like jewerly, and have been wearing more of it more often, but I tend to stay to my tried and true favorites that are comfortable so I'm looking for more things that are pretty and basic and versitile....

I'm also growing out my hair as a part of a multiple layer promise to myself on several things.  I can see my bangs now - which is a little weird.  And it's quickly going to get to that "In-my-face-I-hate-it-it's-driving-me-nuts" stage.  Which isn't really a stage for me so much as a year long patience trying endurance test.  There are reasons I'm doing this that superceed the irritation factor.  It is worth it.  However, I need things to make it pretty during this stage and ways to keep it out of my face....and that means BARRETTES!!!! And HAIRBANDS!!!

This one is pretty, black and white to be versitile, elegant, and sparkly.  Though my frienship with Elizabeth, I'm gaining an appreciation for sparkly things.
 I LOVE love love LOVE flower barrettes and this one is so feminine and I love the colors.

I enjoy tortishell.  I think the rich honey color goes well with my skin and really love the sparkly bits.

Again - Elegant, black and white, soft and feathery.  Pretty Pretty.

There is a theme here...... And these are actually two combs facing eachother, so it would be strong enough to hold my fine hair.  I don't have very thick hair, so most clips and barrettes slip right out.

Monday, February 7, 2011

broken heart strings

Over tensioned strained strings
hopscotch over tangled knots
               that're limp and broken.
A mess - unravelling and fraying.
And the melancholy mourning music
that wafts tones
which ring eerily into the silence
Struggling to tune
these warped heart strings of mine,
with no ear for the melody
no key to match to...
Tightening, loosening
Stretching, caressing
Sting by string,
bit by bit
hoping the tune
will sing a brighter song
in the days to come.,1269266937,2/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Queer Words

It started off when someone called me queer.  Friends of mine were looking for a poly, queer, female bodied person who could be the other principal organizer for events at a community house and bring knowledge and a sense of additional community.  An honor, really, to be thought of to join their band of shennaniganish amazing people.

But Queer.

What a strange word to have associated with me.  I've never been heterosexually straight, per se.  I experimented like all teenagers would.  I grew up around extremely conservative heteronormative Mormons, but the other side of my family was much more liberal, accepting, and gender and sexual orientation free/fluid/accepting.  I never really heard the word very often growing up - "Gay" was the predominant term used in the region I was raised. 

In my youth, I started out on one end of the spectrum, and as much as I thought girls were pretty, was adamant I was heterosexual.....moving through my teenage years I gradually identified more as heteroflexible.  Since becoming poly I moved from heteroflexible, to bi, to pansexual, which to me really identifies most acurately who I am attracted to - a person.  For who they are.  I couldn't care less if someone wants to be called a he, or a she, zee, them, they. I don't care what's in their pants or under their shirt or what stages of in between it might be.  I've been with men who had probably had the market cornered on testosterone, women who were the super girly of girliest that I ever did see, people who identify as transgendered, and lots of things in between.  I simply love and am attracted to people. I'm in love with their spirit - their soul - the lines on their faces that come from the way they smile and the grace of their bodies in motion.  I like the everything that is them. 

(Oh, and if you're into spoken word - check out this person - I Love <3 Andrea Gibson <3. Their work epitomizes some of the gender position I have.)

I understand the need for words to describe, to communicate, to understand where things are coming from and where they might be going, I'm a writer and was an English major.  The problems with words is they can be misconstrued.  My definition doesn't match yours.  I have years of associations built up that are triggered when my brain identifys the word "queer" or "bi" or "Quazimodo" or "pie".  No one else has lived the life I had and so no one else will be able to see the world the way I do, or see the flowers and hear the laughter when someone says "How does an Owl go?"  - the response in my brain triggers this encounter with my husband in the zoo - and the sound a ghost makes going "OoooOooooo"...or hear the word "Elephant", which is an image of a man lying down on a massive bean bag and a cute friend snorting in laughter.

So there's all these mixed up, mashed up, alternative versions of meanings of everything that ever is.  But people crave to know things and that's the most common ways humans translate information to each other.  Through words.  For fucks sakes, I wish there was a more articulate way to communicate.  I've been innundated with people who aren't very familiar with me recently who want to know how I identify and who I am. I just want to tell them I identify as Amanda.  Me. Myself. I.  That's it, that's all there is.  That's who I am and how I connect with that.

Unfortunately that doesn't transfer the information and I'm forced to use those labels everyone else has created.  Hi, I'm Amanda.  I'm polyamorous.  I'm pansexual.  My personal gender identity is primarily female but has elements of fluidity to it.  I'm a person and therefore complicated.  I'm the Amandazon that and a little girl too.  And everything exists in this small space squished inside my epidermus, firing synapses that generate thought and emotion and action in microspaces inbetween nerve endings. 

There's just so much that combines to define me, but nothing that you can tag to my lapel and have stick, or be complete enough to set your foundation of me on. There's an illusive and mystical element of being someone, full and complete, that can't be captured with words.  If any thing is queer, it's trying to capture the meaning of a person in simple words.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Beauty in Slow Moments

Think Before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.
..................................and now...


I'm typically am constantly on the go.  "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is.  All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me.  It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.

This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life.  I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project. 

When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature.  I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was just as explorative as I am now.  I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong?  Which one of these is not like the other?"  I thought about me.  I was different than the rest of them.  I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me. 

When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady.  I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch.  I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully.  I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature.  I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go!  To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot.  More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour.  I wanted the things that life had to offer. 

Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did.  We didn't connect.  There was that compatibility factor missing.  I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.

So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night.  It seemed a little silly asking  for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night. 

It was everything I'd hoped for and more.  A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "Squee!" when excited came over Saturday night.  We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! !

Oh. My. God.  Seriously!!!  As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have NO IDEA - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe.  IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  Period.  End of pillow fight story.  The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset.  Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.

After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie.  My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS.  Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast.  The best part about all this? I have girl friends. 

Who are my friends
Who **rock**!!! 


All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing.  It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time.  Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me.  I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way.  Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while.  We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there.  Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness.  We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house.  Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other. 

Dinner was yummy.  A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly.  But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth.  She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions.  One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles.  And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other.   Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good.  So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner. 

There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I'm posting a note a friend of mine sent me after I told them I was sitting down and outlining my personal and professional goals over the weekend. When I got it - it made my day. I'm posting it because the writing is very well done, because I think it would be amazing if I could have a dream of this (I am informally putting in a request to the Universe to make that happen).

Mostly though, because I like it. It makes me smile.


"There were no empty seats in the stadium of 80,000. And everyone was excited. The DJ had been playing the crowd to perfection, bringing them up and down as they waited for the star. Most of the songs being played were unknown to the audience, although the star could sing the lyrics to each of them. By next week they would all be top sellers on iTunes. That's just the kind of following she had.

The lights dimmed all around the stadium and the DJ got everyone quieted.. almost to a hush. Then in total darkness the pyrotechnics stage right went off. Giant tubes discharged their light and explosions and fire into the darkness and the crowd went wild. Before the last ember faded the massive bank on stage left leapt to action with a fire show that lit up the sky all the way between Everett and Tacoma. It would be hard to say if the noise was louder from the explosions or from the crowd yelling in anticipation.

At that second a 10,000 megawatt spotlight cut across the length of the stadium and illuminated her center stage. Now the crowd was deafening with their cheers and stamping! Standing with her feet shoulder width apart, facing straight forward. The heels on her Jimmy Choo shoes were the perfect complement to the jet black skirt, tastefully slit a short distance up the back. Her deep red Dolce & Gabbana blouse tied it all together, and was the perfect counter to the red in her hair. The spotlight made that red hair blaze like a fire you saw on the lowest levels of the ancient tower at Karazhan. Her piercings reflected the spotlight back in thousands of tiny spots that bathed over the adoring audience.

She stood there unmoving. Her head leaning far to the right and resting on her right shoulder, face slightly down. Her left arm was held up as straight as a piece of schedule 40 galvanized pipe. She looked at the stage floor and a quiet thought drifted through her mind.. "I wonder what the spec would look like for this kind of resilient flooring." She smiled at herself and realized even here she couldn't turn it off, just like all the architects she had helped. Then another thought came to her: "that weekend when I sat down and set my goals.. could I ever have imagined it ending up here?"

By now all the facilities people who had frantically been calling in life safety support out of fear the stadium couldn't withstand the kind of stomping and swaying this crowd was doing gave up, dropped their cell phones, and joined in the yelling. Because at the end of that left arm center stage, suspended from outstretched fingertips, was the notebook. Just a simple white binder, but every one of those people packed into the stadium knew what was in it. RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, ASI diagrams...

If you've ever heard 80,000 people chant at the top of their lungs in perfect unison you'll never forget it.

It's hilarious to me because it weaves in music, pyrotechnics, Jimmy Choo shoes and Dolce & Gabbana blouse - red nonetheless to match my hair, piercings, and bits and pieces of architecutral specifications which is something I help out with occasionally in my career.  Not to mention the reference to World of Warcraft - add to that life safety crews, which is hillarious to me, and the fantasy that 80,000 people in one place would know what RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, and ASI diagrams are.....and that they would be rambunctious enough to make some noise! about their organizaiton.

It's a piece that's totally ego-boosting, whimsy and silly rife with industry references not most people would get or appreciate.  But I Love It.  And wanted to share.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Miss Crafty Smarty Pants

I am a Crafty Smarty Pants.

I like to weave and design and make things beautiful....steel rings, embroidery thread, beads, hair...words, images, principals and morals....I like to integrate things and make them whole, more than they were before, but still possessing their individual beauty within the whole construct. 

Last week I was constructing a pretty decorative headpiece and had all these grand ideas about how it'd come out.   My fingers were flying weaving and twisting, knotting and braiding and I realized I had not stopped to think about the best way to do it before I started in on it.  I had in my hands at this point a pretty braided twisted weaving line of about an inch.  Looking down I realized I had a tangled nasty rats nest of embroidery thread coming down from it.  Not only did I start with the piece at the wrong end, but I also didn't take the time to pull each strand through - resulting in an hour spent untangling a gigantic knot.  There were times I gritted my teeth and restrained myself from yanking things around.  I had to use a soft and consistent touch to ungnarl the beast of fraying threads that seemed to be actively defying me.  There were times I would stop, take a deep relaxing breath, look back down, and feel like it was squiggling back into knots while I was looking away.  Patience wins in the end, however, as I finally got a strategy that worked to unravel the tangles and undid all my work.
So I looked at everything I had un-done, all my beads and clasps and tools and options before me. I had a simmering popping exploding ideas of creative genius of what I wanted to do.  I grabbed a pencil and a piece of graph paper and immediately wrote something at the very top of the page. 
Think Before You Act.

I immediately started sketching out designs - side views, back views, detail views.  Things were crossed off, things were adjusted in the middle, loops were created and then moved....and I left room and space to embellish as I wished. Then I set out with my thread and beads and steel rings and started again.

While my fingers flew, weaving their energy into the knots of the strings, keeping pressure at the places where things could fall apart, pulling strands through one at a time to ensure no tangling, I started meditating about the phrase that struck my frontal lobe like lightning. 

The phrase was so simple, so obvious.  How often it's forgotten though.  How it's so true to everything from crafting a decorative hair piece to approaching my career to how I handle my personal relationships.  Not thinking before I act costs me so much time and frustration in having to un-do everything that wasn't working because I hadn't really thought about what I wanted and how I was going to achieve that goal.

Halfway through my piece, I realized I had gone too far - I was planning some beaded loops and pieces that were going to be in particular spot per my plans and I had glossed over that.  So I stopped and wrote down the next directive that seared across my frontal lobe -

Follow Through on Your Plans.

Follow through.  Thoughts and plans are useless without follow through.  This applies everywhere.  Doing what you're going to say you will do.  Being on time.  Holding true to your word.  Being dependable.  Reliable.  Having forward thinking and a proactive approach reduces hassles, mistakes, and reduces miscommunication.  It's so simple and basic, but so essential.  Most of the time, it's the simple and basic things I know but I don't fully grasp or completely understand - deep in my core, that make the biggest differences in my life.

I'm awe struck sometimes about the beautifully intricate and simplistic and spasmodic ways my brain works.  Why simple phrases that change how I look at life are generated when I make a pretty bauble.  It's so interesting.  Life is flowing around, out, through me and I draw from things these concrete directives that are like signposts guiding my way towards the future I want. 

Think before you Act. 
Follow Through on Your Plans. 

Imperatives I roll around in my brain like I would a fine wine on my tongue.  I draw my spirit and essence around those phrases, tasting the way they would flavor my life interactions and how it would color me as a person.  These sentences that flare across my brain I mull over and if it's a tasty tidbit that strengthens my pillar of character, that brings me closer to being the person I know is inside of me, that enriches my life and bestows me with wisdom - I weave those phrases together, string them along. I put in gems of my personality like accents in this beautiful tapestry I'm creating that tells the story of who I am. 

Who's up for a crafty night?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

choices choices choices

I've had to make a lot of decisions lately.  Some areas I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, some of the decisions scare me in their importance, some are simply day to day decisions. Decisions ARE important - they determine the course of your life, the path your headed down.  Decisions have also been really complicated and scary  for me sometimes.  There's churning in my hollow spaces, knots of dread in my stomach, swirling vortexes of endless loops in my brain, and a cloudy confusion that warps my perspective and makes everything a little too fuzzy around the edges. 

In the beginning I think I was simply afraid of being wrong.  I wanted so badly to be SuperWoman and perfect that I stopped dead in my tracks when I had to chose a path because there IS no path that leads to perfect.  My goal wasn't realistic.  I cannot be perfect.  I cannot please everyone.  I cannot maintain everything all the time. 

It's time for a shift - for me to redefine - really define - in concrete, articulate, quantifiable and measurable ways my long term personal goals.  I also need to clarify and articulate which basic moral principles guide me the most in my life - which are most important to me that I rely on when making important decisions.

These things when used as a measuring device against life decisions and situations, allow me to deal with decisions in an ....almost......easy manner.  It's amazing.  I have a situation.  I can react several different ways.  I can go through this beautiful process of elimination and logical reasoning and deduction. 

Which choices are contrary to my end goals?  Throw those choices out.  It doesn't matter if I really really really really want it or if the other options are way harder - if it doesn't line up with my basic morals and long term personal goals, it's not an option for me.  After throwing the ones that don't measure up out - I'm typically left with a few options that result in consequences that are in the direction I want to go.  I feel liberated.  Relieved.  Free.  It's like trying to cut a piece of ham with a spoon all your life, and then someone hands you a sharp knife and a fork.  Eureka!  TOOLS!  They WORK!

So I get the awesome chance to create this amazing tool to measure my decisions up against. I'm SO excited.  What do I want in my future?  How do I want my life to progress?  What are my dreams?  What things do I want surrounding me?  What things do I want to celebrate in my life?  Because each decision I make is celebrating a way of life I'm chosing for myself

.....which means it's time to sit down and be a schedule list making glitter goddess!  Why glitter?  Because it makes the calendars and graphs so much prettier!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My Brain Today through Quotations

"It is far more powerful to live your truth than to preach it."

"Nobody said that it'd be easy they just promised it'd be worth it."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." Dr. David M. Burns

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment”

“Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” ~Mary Tyler Moore

“If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage” ~Ashleigh Brilliant

“Learning is like rowing upstream; not to advance is to drop back” Chinese Proverb

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it.” David Starr Jordan

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” Albert Einstein

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Wish Want Love Covet Housewares

So once again my interest is swinging back around to fashion and pretties, design and motifs.  I dressed up all pretty today in red and black with some kitten heels.  I'm heading out to a rock show my friend is playing in.  And besides the corset I'm going to throw on later for the fun of it, I thought a beautiful feather boa would complete the outfit just perfectly.  Unfortuneately, I don't have one...but this one would go PERFECT with what I'm wearing today.

I've also been madly rearranging my apartment any chance I get and I just want it to look - different.  First time since I was 18 that I get to have my own space to decorate and I realize how little I've developed my houseware style in those adult years except for odds and ends here and there.  There've been little ideas floating in my head how I can adjust the ambiance by the decor I chose and there are quite a few things that are just going to have to go, and a few things I'd love to start prolifferating around the house. 

Candles are definitely one of those.  I think a few unique cnandleholders would really bring something to the room, and here are a few I really liked.  Red. Black. Classic Metal and Sensual Glass.

I'd also like some natural elements as well - I have a small collection of stained bamboo holders and darker stone oriental urns and containers.  I think the red dogwood branches would be a wonderful addition when I have a larger place.

And mirrors! I want appropriately placed mirrors throughout my home.
I like the fame on this one.

And I think this one has a great sense of depth to it.

As pretty as all of these are, there are 
so many things that I need to focus on first. 
Responsible things.
Ah, responsibilities.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Running over Puppies

My dreams have been getting more and more interesting lately.  At this point, I'm ceasing respond to them like nightmares and have begun dissecting them with an intrigued but distant scientific perspective. I don't put much stock into the "supernatural" nature of dreams or think by "divining their meaning" you come one step closer to enlightenment.  I do think it's a nifty tool to figure out what your brain chews on while you're unconscious.  Viewing common themes in your life, difficulties, internal struggles, etc... through the tools of a highly personal and symbolic mini movie sometimes allows you to gain some greater insight into yourself simply because you look at it from a different angle.

So, for instance, I dream of being behind the wheel of a car that has NO BRAKES on icy dark roads almost hitting a shaking tiny puppy in the middle of the road over and over and over again - missing it  only by the skin of the tires. I habitually got lost in this dream, sliding out of control and wandering around in circles, not able to reach my destination. 

While the dream wasn't super *pleasant* to experience, waking up, I thought - hrm....interesting. Through the symbolic lens of the dream meshed with my own personal stresses lately, I see an interpretation - I obviously don't feel in control of where I'm going in my life.  I'm definitely striving towards a milestone I don't feel I'm making much progress in obtaining.
I was chatting about this with a couple of friends of mine one night before getting my geeky gamer thing going.  One of them suggested that I was on the brink of a self-revelation, but I'm stymied.  Which I kinda feel like is true.  With all this hemming and hawing and analyzing and anxiety and adjustment, I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

Which, ironically was illustrated in game that evening quite well, actually.  I play Vampire the Masquerede, don't ask me what edition, I couldn't care less.  I enjoy playing the game because the storyteller is amazing, the people I spend 3-6-8 hours with are really enjoyable to be around, I get to play pretend - one of my favorite games, and I get to learn life lessons in an environment in which messing us doesn't mess my life up.  My Gypsy Oracular Rune Tossing Seductress Deranged-beyond-all-realms-of-thinkable might bite the undead big one after realizing a life what does family mean, reallyBut I'd gain that knowledge and not suffer from it in the least.
One thing I learned last night at game was that it's really easy to miss the obvious.  Like....there's a strange thing where you can go through the wall....we go through it but we don't stop and take a look at what makes it different so we end up traipsing all over the place, dodging squishy bad things, jumping over death pits, fighting zombie hoards, and almost entering demonic death chambers because we didn't take the time to stop and look - really look and see why this way was better than the other way.

I kinda feel like that's happening now.  I'm sliding around on ice with no brakes, feeling like I've barely got this shit under control, feeling a bit emotionally and mentally constipated because I'm simply not looking at the writing on the wall.  If I could figure out *how* to just *see* the signs that'll lead to achieving 'self-enlightenment' at this stage, all this pressure would be relieved. 

I feel like internally I've done all this growing and expanding.  My brain is firing in ways it hasn't before, but I haven't figure out how to move beyond this initial stage, and it's getting past cozy into cramped in mental/emotional space I've got.  Which is frustrating.

I know I'm going to get there.  Something'll happen, something will click and I'll have the key that'll allow me to move on to another stage in my development, the pressure will be released, there will be less internal conflict, and I'll have the opportunity to take on another challenge.

Until then, I'm coasting around in a car that has no brakes, where the seat's pushed forward to far, the steering wheel is over sized.  I'm uncomfortable and straining to maintain the effort *not* to hit the puppy in the middle of the road.   That scenario played out in my dream is filled with as much irritation and tension as if I were walking a tightrope high in the air with some one on the end yelling and screaming at me.  I'm walking a fine line that's vibrating with tension, distracted by things that aren't where they should be.  Maybe the enlightenment will come if I just changed the dynamics, ran over the puppy.  If nothing else, it'd stop that loop of nervous frustrated anxiety and tension that wears me down and wears me out.  Even when I'm sleeping.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of suffering from insomnia

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of having no quality sleep suffering from insomnia.  That state where you can't pay attention to anything, you stare off into space, occasionally drooling.  Sometimes you revert back to that toddler state where you scream and throw fits, occasionally things, because you're tired and cranky.  Other times, you start crying because you're just too tired it hurts that bad.  I have been under the plague of Zombia recently, but I'm working on a cure.  For about a month now, there's been really ?three? nights where I've not encountered the below problems in epic proportions.  Which means my Zombia has gone into severe stages.  So it's time to fight back.

All right, maybe a massive bazooka style gun isn't necessary in order to get good sleep.  But I can sure-as-heck tell you I'm approaching solving this problem with all my ammunition and the biggest guns I've got - and I've got some big guns! (I mean my brain).  So...plan of attack?

Symptom: It takes anywhere from one to four hours to get to sleep after laying down initially.

Point of Infection? I'm used to someone puttering around the house, in the next room, or going to bed with me.  There's a sense of time awareness that is suddenly gone since there's not another person to use to gauge time against.  One scenario that typically occurs is that I get busy and just keep going.  I'm rearranging the apartment, or sewing, or coloring, or something.  I'm either not aware of what time it is, or not caring what time it is while I'm doing this.  OR - I'm lying down watching a few shows and think - I'm not tired, so I'll watch one more.  This continues.  For a while.  This is typically what I do after more than a couple of days of insomnia, which has plagued me occasionally throughout my life.

Plan of Attack! CREATE A BEDTIME ROUTINE!!! Sounds exciting, right!?!  Well, it helps, so I'm not knocking anything that works right now.  First I turn off all sound making devices.  Then I clean - wash my body/face, brush my teeth, put on lotion, etc...A limbering up song to dance to then two sun salutations later, I turn off lights, crawl into bed, and meditate on NOT THINKING for ten minutes.  I don't really count the time, or look at the clock, but every time I catch my mind wandering away into icky thoughts, I bring it back to NOT THINKING.  I figure I do that enough and by the time I reach "ten minutes" I'm sleeping.  So far, it's helped.  Rock!

Symptom: I wake up three to four times during the night.

Point of Infection? Before when I heard a noise, or some noise would wake me up, I used to half raise my eyes, reach out and touch the other person - I'd have my grounding point, and then I'd go back to sleep.  Now I consciously wake up, trying to figure out what woke me up, then identify it, then try to go back to sleep.  Which is sometimes difficult.

Plan of Attack! I make sure when I go to bed I double lock the door and window.  Just a double check, but somehow it's reassured me and I've not woken up as many times during the night recently.  More pillows in the bed, so whenever I reach out, I find something soft and fuzzy that's reassuring.

Symptom: My sleep is plagued with unpleasant emotionally frustrating and upsetting dreams.

Point of Infection? Everything in my life right now? :chuckles:  The message in my dreams typically boils down to one of three things 1. Not having the right 'tools' for the job at hand - i.e. being unprepared for the task at hand 2. Not being able to get where I need to go.  i.e. I live on the second floor and there's no stairs, no access points or I'm stranded without transportation, or reliant on people who are late.  3. I am not in control i.e. driving a car on ice with no brakes - the stereotypical recurrent dream I have when I don't feel like I'm in control of my life.

Plan of Attack! Time.  There's no real 'thing' I can do to decrease the anxiety I feel about being in a new place in my life for the first time besides time proving that I'll be fine.  I try to build self-soothing techniques into my routines - candlelight, bubble baths, warm fuzzy fluffy soft things to cuddle, pretty colors, being crafty and creative, etc...  But it'll just take some time to adjust to the new environment.  I'm thinking of this as kicking Patience's butt.  Or conquering patience.  I know it's an aggressive stance to take to 'conquer' something that's fairly passive, but whatever.  It gives me strength and stamina to deal with patiently waiting.  Something I've not always been good at before.

Techniques to conquer ZOMBIA - or at least my techniques to conquer my version of it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Earthy Poem

I've built my foundation
upon the earth of who I am.
The ground is shifting and twisting.
Rumbling with changes that
sound ominous and menacing.
I throw my roots down into
the ground which vibrates with potential energy.
All I can do is hold on.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Growing Through

I'm entering into a unique time in my life. For the first time in my life I'm single. Solitary. Alone. No partners. No sweeties. No metamores. No polycules. By myself in my own apartment with no one else to clutter it up (or clean it up). With no one to coordinate my schedules with (and no one to automatically share awesome events with). It's different. In ways I can't describe. It's beautiful and wonderful. It's also dredging up emotional stuff I thought I was prepared for, but really wasn't. Which sucks.

I see this period as a time of training my emotional and mental 'muscles' to be stronger and more healthy. Like when decide to be healthier and you go to the gym and it kicks your ass and your muscles are sore and sometimes you have to drag yourself out of bed, grumbling and irritated to go to the gym early in the morning before work. That's what I'm doing to my emotional and mental self. To my character. I'm giving it a thorough work out. Sometimes it's awesome to see the progress I've made and sometimes I get tired, and sore, and everything hurts.  But I know it's worth it in the long term. 

Everyone starts thinking about personal goals and long term plans around January 1st. That's not my bag. Everyday is a new start to think about the future and work on things I think will contribute to my personal growth and development. However, it's been a bit since I sat down and MADE A LIST of the things I'm focusing on.  We all know how much I am in love with Lists.  So here goes my

Focus/Goal List.

I am going to be single (no primary partners/sweeties) for an undetermined amount of time. 

 I suspect it will be several months to a year, however. I don't want to specifically put down a time frame, as that seems arbitrary and unrealistic.  I like to be able to adhere to my word (something I need to work on).  But this is a crucial element of the next chapter of my life.  Simply being by myself, doing what I want to do, being who I am free of as much outside influence as possible. 

While I will probably develop strong/close friendships, or possibly engage in flirtatious interactions, I'm not going to engage in dating again until I feel that I've reached a milestone.  I've yet to determine quantifiable, measurable, articulate benchmarks that define that milestone, but that's on another list of things to figure out :)

I am not going to cut my hair until that period is over.

Besides obvious trimmings/minor shaping so it grows out well.  This seems like a weird goal/focus to have.  Symbolically though, this has a lot of meaning.  I've been cutting my hair frequently in the past few months, and every time I do it gets shorter and shorter.  The last time I was an impulse away (several times) from just shaving the whole damn thing off.  .  I wanted to shed myself of a lot of things in my life at that point and for me, what I do to my hair is a representation of my emotions at that time. 

Now, I want to grow, to endure whatever annoyances and hardships await me in order to gain a better understanding of life.  To become enlightened.  By denying myself the ability to cut my hair, I'm also gaining self-discipline.  I hate hair in that mid-stage length - HATE IT. It's annoying, it gets in your way, you can't do jack shit with it, and my hair doesn't grow very fast.  Right now is super short...which means the 'growing out' period will be quite a while - which will be a lengthy period of time that is frustrating and irritating. I see this, however, as a wonderful chance to 'workout' my tolerance/patience. 

I also have a strong desire recently to let my feminine side shine since being single.  All that energy I was putting into my multiple relationships now is pooling within me.  I've got time to expend on myself - lots of it.  An unexpected side effect of that has been a revitalization of my interest in fashion and looking pretty. I want long hair for the first time in my life.  I want to be able to braid it, to let it down, to have it cover me like a blanket, to look soft and pretty.

I am going to focus on taking care of myself.

Basic.  Simple.  But kinda all encompassing.  Really, this is my primary goal right now.  I have started to cut down on things that don't aid in that and want to continue on with that theme.  So the specifics would be:
  1. Reducing greatly the amount I drink and smoke, although I still smoke and occasionally drink, I was doing far more of that than was really healthy, so I want to keep it at a light to moderate level. 
  2. Getting up early so I can have time to do a morning take care of my body routine instead of doing it whenever I have time/erratically.  This would include things like making a healthier breakfast, listening to NPR, making my lunch for the day, doing the shower/ brush teeth/ wash face/ doing makeup/ doing yoga thing.  I was happy that I got up this morning with enough time to do all of the above in a relaxed pace and still enjoy some time to clean up around the house and do some simple chores.
  3. Eating healthy.  My tastes have already drastically changed since being single.  Suddenly chocolate which used to be the be all end all of amazing - doesn't really sound appealing.  No sweets really do.  I suddenly like sushi - after years of my partners taking me out to delicious (VERY GOOD) sushi places - I suddenly have gotten cravings for sushi, and have really enjoyed them.  I'm not very hungry very often, but when I am - I've been craving vegetables and meat.  The distinction I make in the quality of my food - my standards for "good" food has dramatically risen.  I've been eating more soup as well.  I'm not going to go OCD like I used to, but I've been more and more aware of what I'm putting into my body and how that effects my body.  I want to continue on with that.
Explore and utilize my crafty ability to make beautiful things for me, for my home, for my friends.

No real push for anything in particular.  Due to the increased amount of time I have available, and the expanded amount of energy I have at my disposal, I've been more crafty.  It's also helped me process and deal with some of the harder emotional responses I've been experiencing since being alone.  I've started a couple of collages, mostly finished a skirt that's been sitting on my "to do" list for six months, made a few sets of earrings, done a bit of leatherwork (and subsequently practiced my knotwork).  It's like meditation for me, fingers working over and over again, my mind able to relax and soothe itself.  Plus, it's SUPER fun.  And there are beautiful things that come out of it.  It gives me so much joy - this is something I don't want to let fall by the wayside again.


There is a particular areas of interest in my life I enjoy doing, but haven't had the opportunity or avenue in which to explore to it's fullest.  I'm currently working on expanding my social network to people who enjoy similar things, working to experience more in that area, and learn more about all the different aspects of it.  This will make me happy.

To sum it up - it's all about taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - and giving myself space and time and freedom to explore, relax, and wander.  I'm looking forward to the upcoming chapter of my life, even though I know it's going to be really challenging at points.  For all the reasons these quotes imply and many many many more....

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. ~Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? ~Frank Scully

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. ~Seneca

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.  ~Ray Bradbury