Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I guess I could explain the fundaments by saying time off from work is beautiful. Simply beautiful. I had a great Christmas party at work. Paul got his kilt I bought him (pictures to come soon). We did some shopping for that (belts/socks/tights/etc...). That was super fun. I've ate amazing food at multiple different restaurants. I spent some time with some great friends - a good good friend came up from SanFran. I bonded a lot with Paul (insert adorable "awwwww" here). Shot pool and drank beer one night a week ago that was beyond amazing. Got some smashing deals on AMAZING clothes daaaaahrling!!! Denim mini skirt for $3 or so, which you will see soon in my first attempt at doing the layering look. (I'm not super happy about the pictures, as I'm always missing one or two pieces crucial to make an outfit work. But meh.) I finally found sweater tights for over 1/2 off. And I've had a few major but beautiful revelations internally regarding what I want out of myself/life that will change my future. I introduced myself to a couple of gorgeous people one night at our neighborhood bar, and now we have new years eve plans. And...........
On one bliss ladened day when Paul and I were wandering around, eating and shopping, I ran into a poet who stole my heart from the first time I met his soul in a poem. I bought a book leather bound from him on the street outside of Denunzios in Pioneer Square a few years ago. Completely random purchase, but it was absolutely beautiful. It was a journal of a cross country journey and some poetry sprinkled in. I devoured it. After my boyfriend had gone to bed, I crept outside on my little balcony, smoking late into the night with only the glow of twinkle lights wrapped around our balcony to light my way. I felt raw and exposed. Loved and challenged by the choices I'd made in my life that I knew weren't what I wanted for myself. I felt like someone was speaking for the person inside of me I had let die. And it allowed me to feel like I was with him on that journey across the land and time, feeling what he felt, the ennui, the passion, the fierce freedom and wild need and genuine disdain for the grinding monotony that can ensnare. Frankly - I felt that it reflected my own soul's journey and I was in love. "Fight, Flight, and Surrender" by Brett McGibbon.
If you read his stuff and understand it - you'll understand me. The only thing I keep coming back to to help describe why his writing is SO amazing and why I feel so moved by it - is that our souls have traveled down the same path - we may have had different environments, different experiences, different time frames, different outsides - but the essence of who we are is traveling side by side, or in a consecutive line, and his words and feelings resonate with me in an indescribable way. He's the only writer I've truly felt knows the inner corners of my soul, the essence of who I am. Feeling as if through his writing and how he expresses himself he has perfectly put every indescribable gnawing gnashing freeing exhilarating experience I've ever experienced. Gave me a voice to what I had inside when I never thought I'd find mine. He has a good soul/a good heart/a trueness to him that is so very hard to find. I found him again a few days ago, outside the same restaurant, selling his leather bound books to passerbyes. I'd searched for him for a while, but never could find him. And on that day I walked out of that restaurant while he was walking in. I went back and asked him, "Are you that poet who sold books outside this store." And we had a GREAT conversation. I cannot wait to talk to him again in person, perhaps a bit more in depth. So I bought his first novel, Lucifer's Redemption, 8 years in the making.
And every time I read his works, I resolve I'm going take it slow, because when I read it an openness blooms and expounds and transforms peeling off larger and larger layers of honest, pure, lightness of heart. Emotions become everything. I guess it's like a personal, emotional, inspirational epiphany. And invariably every time I devour his words like they will vanish if I don't read them. I cannot wait to take it all in and feel that amazing feeling of connectedness, the feeling that someone who doesn't even know me really and truly understands me.
I know this (and his website) might be a little hokey, but his writing is amazing. Please, if you ever get the chance to read one of his books/poetry/journal - do. Don't wait. Please. Go to his website, order something, and give it a chance to change your perspective, perhaps change your heart.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
That's all I got to say.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
So since the sun only comes out once in a blue moon around this time of year, outfit posts are rare. Here's an outfit that I really like wearing with the abundance from this birthday/christmas bounty. Part of what I like about it is the versatility in how it comes across. Although I now need a skirt to go with my fedora. The jeans were ok, but I'd love (well, jeans that fit) and something a little flareier. If that's a word. Oh!!! AND I Got a new haircut - it's asymmetrical, spikilicious and I'm in love with it!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
I came home from a busy day and needed to make things for a party at work. So I threw some stuff together and while I was whipping stuff up in the kitchen, I found a box stuck way back in the cupboard that was "Green Tea Muffin Mix". It doesn't sound appealing, but it only takes an egg, some water and oil, so I thought why the hell not? It required the same amount of temperature and time as something else that was going in the oven, so why not kill ( or create) two birds (or goodies) with one stone (or stove)?
I popped the liquid ingredients together and then opened the bag *shivers of horror* I was skeptical looking at the box, but smelling the aroma off the dry mix alone sent me into nauseated waves of serious doubt. Since I had already mixed the liquid ingredients (that could not be used for anything else) there was no loss if I went ahead and made them. I tentatively gave a nod to the hope they would turn out better once they cooked. Mixing the wet and dry stuff together was a little more horrific. The mix turned a baby puke green and smelled like...well...what green baby puke would smell like if it was packed with decaying powdery plumes of clay.
Sometime later I peek in the oven and try to not inhale the fumes erupting from the muffin tin. I did facebook and blog type things waiting for them to cook. And cook they did. I pulled them out of the oven and I was *this close* to throwing them away without trying one. I didn't want to try them. But I wanted to know how they tasted. Dilemma time. So I stared at them for a long time. I have Paul, who can't smell very well, so I thought about just giving him one to be my little guinea pig. But decided since I love him I couldn't put him through that without some sort of warning, especially if it made him ill. So I put them in a bag on the counter and stared at them for a while.
Paul meandered in from his den into the kitchen, something that typically happens when I bake. Suddenly there are people right there as soon as the cookies, or bars, or whatever come out of the oven. I was poking tentatively at what I considered "the green abominations" and looked at him.
"They're Green Tea Muffins from the back of the cupboard. I can't try one - it smells too hideous. Nauseating" (See how I'm very clear on my position, letting him know that since _I_ will not eat it, he is under no obligation to.)
He shrugged and said he'd try one. Brave!
After taking a bite he looks at the muffin and then at me. "Tastes like a muffin," he said. "A little odd, but like a muffin."
I squinted suspiciously at him.
He raised the muffin towards my face and I took a sniff of the bitten part. Shivering in disgust, I pulled sharply back and said, "It smells nauseating."
Shrugging, he sauntered back into his den with a muffin in one hand a fresh seven layer bar (Which turned out nicely) on a plate in the other. There is something to be said about a less than sensitive nose.
This has got to be one of the first times I've made something I'll let other people eat without eating myself. But somehow, my self-preservation instincts let me be ok with that. So, in the future, I warn ye wary eaters - Green Tea Muffins = Green Tea Disease.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
You MUST do what you need to do,
- To fit into all the beautiful clothes I so desperatly want to fit into. And to buy clothes I want to buy instead of being regulated to a small subset of clothes I ONLY fit into.
- I can buy cute tights (and knee high socks) and not have to worry they'll be too small
- Right now I can't buy most calf / thigh boots because I have large legs.
- Garter belts. Garter belts. And then some more.
- Regular belts will FIT, as of right now my waist is too large for most "normal" belts
- Pretty sexy under garments - nuff said. Every girl wants them, every guy likes them. They look better on smaller girls.
The rest of the Reasons - the important ones:
- I won't feel like when my friends make comments of larger people they apply to me. That hurts. It's not something people think of, but it's true. You dislike someone and list their flub/overweight as part of that reason - I weight just as much or more - you're commenting on me too whether or not you want to be, you are.
- I'll take better pictures for my blog.
- Less aches - it hurts the knees and back to carry around these extra lbs.
- To be as attractive on the outside as I feel on the inside.
- To increase my self-confidence.
- Simple, stupid, but important-to-me reasons, crossing legs will be easier, I could sit in smaller areas (like the bus and cars) without feeling squished, airplane seas will be ~sort of~ more comfy (they're never REALLY comfortable)
- To be able to keep up with my friends, or give them a run for their money when we go out together. I'd like to be the one that wears out the last instead of the one that wears out the first.
- To increase the chances of being healthy enough to have the fibromayalgia suddenly dissapear. Then I can get off the medication. It's a shot in the dark, but the fibromayalgia occurence was from out of the dark as well.
I know the little girl complaining stems from simplistic, base fears. I'm afraid of failing. I know it's MORE of a failure if I don't do anything at all (and ignore it) - but I'm vastly more afraid of trying and failing than I am of not doing it all. And what if I go through all that hard work and end up back where I started? What if I start and it's hard/difficult/painful and I don't possess the strength of will to carry through with it? What will that say about my character? That is what's bothering me most about all of this. What does it say about my character that I continually have problems following through to the end with this? Where is my stamina and my strength of will to do what I need to do when I REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. I'm letting my fear stand in the way of me being who I want to be. And that's not like me.
So I'm starting over - againagainagainagain, even though I said was starting "again" in this post. I sounded very gung-ho there. Really excited. Super into it. Problem was I got myself psyched up and was relying on my enthusiasm and my "stoked about it" feelings to keep me going. When that ran out (pretty quickly) I had no backbone of structure for myself to rely on. My attention wavered. I got interested in fashion, I started making jewelery, I started making some clothing pieces, sewing by hand. All of these I started to get SUPER exctied about. And like a child, where I saw shiny pretty I ran off to and left my obligations behind. And at this point I have an obligation to meet my goals set oh-so-long ago to be healthy and achieve my target weight. An obligation to myself, to those around me who love me (if I'm healthy it'll be more time they can spend with me later on and I'm happier when I'm healthy).
So I'm going to do these things that I'm afraid to do. I'm going to give myself reasons why I can instead of reasons why I can't. I want qualities like determination and bulldog tenacity to something I want (even if I'm afraid of what it might take to get there). So I'm going to act as if I already have them. Because I know even though I don't have the enthusiasm *now* I will in a while (not a day or two, but a month or so). Because after I start doing it, the motivation will come naturally. Milton Garland: "My advice is to go into something and stay with it until you like it. You can't like it until you obtain expertise in that work. And once you are an expert, it's a pleasure." Not like I'm expecting to become an expert, but good enough to know a thing or two. Besides, "That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember." Thomas Fuller.
Basically, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be proud of the strength of will and power I posses not only mentally, but eventually strength and power physically as well. And some sexieness to boot. 'Cause that never hurts.
So....to the gym tonight. My plan is still to do something along the lines of a sprint triathalon, although the one in july I was planning for is all sold out. So a revamping of short term-mid term- and long term goals is required.
You know - this really isn't all that bad though, going through this back and forth IF I really learn the lesson this time. It takes some people a LONG time to learn simple lessons like this one. That's what life is. So all I need to do to make ALL this time "wasted" actually worth it is to take to heart that:
I MUST Do What I Need To Do....
ESPECIALLY When I Really REALLY Really Don't Want To Do It.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Gotta have a red patent leather belt in your arsenal.
Not sure if I'd wear this with my fashion aesthetic, but I'm intreguied by this Autumn Belt
I LOVE the pink and the little details
I REALLY want some more very feminine blouses.
This is AMAZING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the roses.
So adorable. Mink and Bow Headpiece. Yay.