Monday, November 22, 2010

Oh _kitten_!

Oh kitten! 
Mischievous deviant little thing,
I can't help but love you
and your rouge like smile.
Tricksy and impish
in your playful ways.
Vivaciously attacking
those things that entice you.
With quick swishes of your tail
and eyes that are so green,
you are a darling thing!
Quiet and warm when curled
contently in the lap,
purrs vibrating
soft and endearing.
There is so much to you
to entertain me.


I have been. 
I am. 
And will be. 
Inspired by those around me.
By the cadence
in the beats
between their lips.
The ache
in the space

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." ~David Carradine

I am hereby solidifying in this past week, the poem of I am. Gathering round and rallying my courage, shoring up those weak walls with the cracks of insecurity in them and planting my feet in the soil of my soul.

 "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown.  I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake.  The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen.  Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues.  I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.

It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes.  My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress.  And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up.  Conquer them.  See them for what they are and unravel them.  Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me.  Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking. 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.
Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.
But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
 It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.
Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.
 If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

So this is me.  Standing up.  Carring around my fear and my pain by my side, admitting their place in my person.  This is who I am.  I am not ashamed of it.  For if you, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison
And above all else right now, it's important for me to be free.  To be as much of the true essence of who I am as possible.  To be comfortable in my own skin.  To be the best version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Because...

"It is better to be hated for what you are
than to be loved for something you are not." 
 ~Andre Gide

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Older Random Poetry

Monday Memo

interactive integration
create cross-functioning
facilitate future
collaborative corporation
effective efficiency elevating the
synergistic success
towards togetherness
multi-task the maximization of the
productive paradigm


Little boyhood grin
Splashed across a suntanned face
Thinking eyes belie that suit and tie.
Corporate ladders can’t compare
To tree house retreats.
And milk moustaches
Secret societies of heroes
And pirate treasure
Hidden beneath the porch.
They're worth more in the end
Than any man’s weight in memos

'08 the young

liquid laugh
like velvet
with a brilliant longing
always desiring
to be born
like a translucent flower
like a
ghost of a


let me live
and capture abstract imagination
creating soft silhouettes
of chiseled impressions -
aesthetic metaphors
of drugged eclectic dreams -
smeared pieces
of the surreal vivid originals
which dazzlingly shimmer
in their approachable beauty.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Being Honest

There's an episode of That 70's Show about a bunch of hippi stoner contractors 'redesigning' a basement - ending up just moving everything 2 inches to the left. 

"It's like Art MAN! -  I call it 'Basement.......two inches to the left'". 

That phrase gets stuck in my head when I have a perspective shift.  Same environment, same people, same world......but my perspective has shifted.....two inches to the left, man!  Suddenly everything is in a slightly different light. It's scary sometimes, when something you've seen one way your whole life suddenly has new contours, new shapes, shadows that didn't exist before.  But as a good friend of mine said - Buildings shift and settle in order to take weight.  It's a natural occurrence that ensures the stability of the building.  Shifting is the stabilizing force.

And I've been settling into the soul of myself more and more recently, loveing and appreciating the person who's skin I live in.  It's come through a lot of different shifts in the way I've been thinking and what I think is important.

The word Priority has meaning!  And, like usual, I've been analyzing everything about it.  What is important to me, how I demonstrate that it's important, what decisions I make now and how I carry them out - they matter!  I saw this amazing RSA Animation  video about time consciousness that really had an impact and helped me understand why I think and act some of the ways I do.  It was really interesting - I'd suggest checking them all out. 

Another short was about empathy.  Being quite empathetic myself, it really started gears turning in my head about how I act.  Realizing the basics of how empathy functions in the brain, and pondering the historical purposes it's served, and how I utilize that skill now gave me a few new ideas on how to proceed in the future.  I want to honestly connect to others in ways that are healthy and mutually benefitial.  I want that balance where you operate in a relationship all parties ultimately benefited, not having anyone compromise who they are or compromise important boundaries they've laid down for themselves.  See a theme here?  Relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, honesty?

So yeah, boundaries have been a big as well.  Which ones I should place where, how to communicate them, how I feel about them.  Communicating those effectively. Communication Skills For The WIN! It's amazing - when you ask for what you need, more often than not - you get it!  It's also important to be specific with the words that I use - being CLEAR.  Not mincing things because I'm squeamish I might offend someone.

A dear friend of mine, who's 18, gave me a 2" shift in perspective when I proclaimed there are parts of me I'm scared other people might not accept.

"We're adults now.  We can be who we are and do what we want.  If other people don't you because of who you are, that's their problem.  If I worried about what people thought of me, I couldn't do my job. (She's a model)."

I felt so silly that someone almost a decade younger than I am had a more established grounded response in that than I did.  But then again, if she can do it, so can I.  So I've been increasingly being open and honest about who I am.

Part of that is coming out as polyamourous to those in my life, and as bisexual.  Something not everyone understands or accepts, but I'm grateful that I live in a community that accepts and supports me as I am.  And that I can, through being honest about who I am, creating intentional relationships that are meaningful and lasting.  It's a beautiful thing to develop deeper appreciations for relationships I have with others, and so liberating to realize that they don't have to look like any preconceived notion of what a relationship is by standard majority.  I am blessed to have such an abundance of beautiful loving caring people in my life.

So in short...working on being awesome in relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, and letting honesty guide my heart and my life.