What I know about me.

Deep red colors sooth me and make me happy.

I buy clothes for their texture against my skin

more than I do for their flattering lines.

Hugs are more important than anything else to me.

I could live a while without food,

but I would wither away without physical affection.

I believe my words have power,

can soothe a wounded heart, show hope,

help someone know that they're loved

and not alone.

I love that my body is an instrument,

playing a soliloquy of emotive beauty dancing,

an intimate whispering dialogue with those I love,

that my smile is honest, true, and unrestrained.

I'm fascinated by the freckles that migrate and

populate my body like daisy's in the spring.

I know I'm scared to communicate sometimes

because I fear for the worst,

the unrealistic, implausible ramifications

that stop my words get caught in the middle of my throat.

And I instantaneously see beauty spirit in those

I know almost nothing about.

I ask a lot of questions because I don't want to miss out.

I follow whichever way my heart goes,

even though it doesn't clue me in to the why sometimes.

Late at night, I often feel so much for other people

I don't know how to let that out.

I refuse to spoil it with words,

although I desperately want a way to describe what I feel

so they know how important they are,

how inspired I am by the beauty

of them being exactly who they are.

Gloomy Days

So Fall is here. And that means chilly weather (not too terrible) little sunshine and rain. Which makes me sad. I LOVE Fall, but the lack of sunlight has made me kind of gloomy.

I had a fairly ok weekend. I got a couple of nifty shoes for super cheap. I'll post pictures later. I felt very cosmopolitan for some reason. I don't know if it was getting out of the beautifully Fall laden city to go up along the water with amazing views to this tiny little tavern to drink great beer and listen to good music, or how my pretty strappy leather looking black shoes made me feel walking around, or the insane amount of coffee I drank and unconsciously rated each drink as to the flavor, smoothness, and coloration of the espresso. A few friends and I drove up to"> Bellingham, WA and saw Ellis, who was the most absolutely perfectly gorgeous androgynous women I've ever saw. Ah! So many pretty dyke girls there! There were two beautiful singers before her - Chuck E Costa and Mia Bloomfield. Beautiful cellist (Mia) and Chuck had a great voice. Had one of the all time best beers I've ever had - Ten Fidy. I'm in love. It's too bad I'm not sure if I'll ever find it again since it's a seasonal beer. I contacted the brewery and hopefully they sell it somewhere around here.

It's very frustrating on the weight loss front. I've been doing good on my eating habits and mediocre/blah on my exercise regimen. After a week of being very good I lost no weight, but gained some instead and have been fluctuating up and down between the extra two pound gain with 1/2 a lb. weight loss with no real sense of why. So...that's that.

Hugs all day long

So I...um..... . . . . gave myself an early birthday present (I know, it's two months early. I'm aware of this.) I was grumpy and pms-y feeling quite blehck for the last day or so. I completely rearranged my closet and the bedroom. Figuring I'd put the grumpitude to good productive use. And I was getting more and more frustrated with the fact that in the past year I've only gotten rid of clothes, bought new clothes, only to lose weight to where THOSE new clothes were too big as well. I separated the goodwill clothes from the trash clothes from the possible consignment shop clothes. And I was left with the blah clothes that are universally bland, but fitable and a few good pieces. Standing back from my work I was shocked.




I. Have. No. Clothes.




I barely take up one side of the closet. My boyfriend has more clothes than I do. That's wrong. Granted, it's because I was (and am again) losing weight so buying expensive clothing isn't really practical since I'll grow out of it. Plus, Paul is a fashionista who has an amazing wardrobe.
But damn it - I should have SOME clothes. And I was aching for that beautiful corset I tried on a few days ago. Paul and I were having a meandering day on Sunday (although he's getting sick, :( I'm sorry for giving him my bug). But we managed to meander downtown to Diva Dollz and after a happy hour or so of trying on and sampling and discussion - I GOT A CORSET!!!!!!!



It's pretty and I love it! It's like a good hug, all day long.



I love this shot.























Ignore my face part, but this is a great shot of the back of the bolero and the lacing on the corset.

Coping with Fibromayagia

A friend of mine had a relative who was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia (or CCS - Constantly Crappy Syndrome) I wrote her an e-mail of some with some tips I thought of, and thought I would share with those who are currently coping with fibromyalgia.

- I take 10 mg of lexapro (SSRI) a day and that immediately reduced my pain. However, my symptoms arose when I went off of this medication before, so it’s possible that this is only applicable to me (this brand). It's also possible that going on the medication made me more susceptible to this diagnosis in the first place.
- SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) can reduce nerve pain
- Doctors recommend Aspirin but Ibuprofen worked much better for me. It’s ok to take 1,000 mg / dose every 3 hours or so of Ibuprofen for up to a month before hurting your body’s systems. That’s not true for Aspirin.
- Massages and stretching helped A LOT. It hurt at first, but consistent massages (with a practitioner who you communicate easily with on what is tolerable and not tolerable) was really helpful.
- Heating pads worked AMAZINGLY well. Hot baths, Jacuzzis, etc…also work really well. Icing some parts helped, made others worse.
- Booze made it MUCH worse. It compounded feeling like crap like crazy.
- Simple carbohydrates - sugary drinks, sweets, lots of bread, popcorn, white rice, etc… REALLY increased the fatigue.
- Depression is very common with chronic pain. Please be sure to talk to someone who understands a chronic illness (friend, family, coworker, therapist, doctor). Talking about what you’re going through is VERY important. I would have a crying time occasionally and feel emotionally a lot better. Be sure to eat enough. A lot of times, depression leads to a lack of appetite, which makes you feel worse, which makes you not want to eat, which perpetuates. Force yourself to eat if necessary. IT WILL make you feel better.
- Having a friend/someone who is with you a lot suggest times when you’re worse and better is a great way of having an outside opinion of triggers. My boyfriend was the one who discovered going off the SSRI was the beginning of my fibromyalgia symptoms and the one who recommended going back on it (it worked).
- Try as much as possible to reduce stress. Tell people no.
- Listen to your body. If you’re starting to feel worse, don’t go and party/do more than you should. That was really hard for me to deal with, but it’s important to rest up before it gets really worse.

Beautiful Find

So I bought a cheap "corset" a week ago. Totally great find, stretchy and comfortable, beautiful and pretty. I was waiting to find the right way to wear it where it would be practical and comfortable. I found a blouse it fit under and wore it today.

It's Amazing and it's not even a real corset. There's this great shop downtown called Diva Dollz a block away from my work, so I sauntered down there over my extended lunch break and spent an hour trying on corsets and getting the low down on them. I am beyond in love with them. I've now found something I am in ecstatic joy absolute amazed aplomb serenity with. I like them. A lot. Obviously, real corsets aren't cheap. And they require things like pretty dresses to put on under them and heels to wear with them. So I'm on a mission. To find and obtain corset ok clothes and to buy a gorgeous hand selected corset made to my order in the color of my choice next month and I CAN'T WAIT.

I have to say, wearing a corset for even that short amount of time, and my faux-corset feels so supremely different than anything else I've ever experienced. And they're SO pretty on me. The shape of my body lends itself very well to the fit of it and it's very supportive and secure and feminine.

I love this City

The Opera last night "La Triviata" was amazing. Beautiful. NOW I've seen real opera. If you go to an opera, go to a standard Italian opera. Emotions make the language superfulous, although it's beautiful in it's own right.


I also love every morning I ride in I think how much

I love this city.

30 miles an hour
flying down 2nd Avenue
buildings rising like stoic dreams
on either side of me
concrete pavement smooth and glistening
in the morning rain
making the street lights bounce off
the red and black tires of my bike
streaming along with traffic
down the hill I see
the sun rising over the mountains
off in the distance
outside the framework
of the rising bustling city before me

Who Knew?

Today is a *sigh* day.

I was warm and cuddly and supremely happy this morning until alarms started going off...I turned my alarm off on the first buzz. There's something about the love of your life swarthed in warm blankets, soft and cuddly beside you and you're dreaming peacefully, sleeping well, happily drifting off into the land of Nod. It was a Herculean effort this morning to leave that nest of sublime. I frequently came back to it after dressing, getting my bag together, and then again and again. It's a crime to take someone away from that. Shame on the world for making me wake up.

I'm learning more AutoCAD tasks at work right now (the drafting program architects use). It is probably THE most difficult program I've ever encountered. Non intuitive. I'm happy to be doing things that have a direct impact on the building when it gets built, but doing these tasks are super time consuming and invariably it makes my brain violently overfried. hehehehe...I got to change the colors of numbers that might be used quite a bit on all of our drawings. I got to pick a color for the mandatory things...and guess what?? It was red :)

On the bright side, we're going to the OPERA! tonight - which makes me SUPER happy!!!!!!!! My 3rd one. Only problem is that I didn't ride in because, well, we're going to the opera and Paul isn't riding back because his headlight's in the shop. So I've bussed in to work and will bus home afterwards with him. We're getting back late too, so I can't work out at all today. Which, ironically enough, really is bugging me. Where is my outlet????!!??? 5 days of doing something consistently and I'm having withdrawals in less than 12 hours. Phghlskfjdffftt.

Beginning....Again.

So with the new gym membership, my CCS finally getting under control, me not being sick, and feeling like life isn't throwing any super severe curve balls at me, I'm getting back on track to losing the rest of the weight.

So far, so good. I've been going to the gym and eating healthy the last 5 days or so. Part of what has made me be very focused has been the frequency in which I focus on what is good and what I'm looking forward to in regards to losing the weight. So if you're paying attention, you're going to hear A LOT about that.


In order to plan accordingly I want to have some major goals and reasons for losing the weight.

Number Goals
1. 50 lbs to lose
2. 15% body fat to lose
3. 33 weeks as a timeline goal (June 4th, 2010)
4. Have perfect beautiful posture. (I hate to admit this. My mother was right. My posture sucks.)

For the tangible goal - I believe I can honestly say "YES! There is nothing left but gnar. I AM IN SHAPE." when I do an IronMan. That would be a massive accomplishment - I would have to be insanely fit in order to complete it. A Swim of 2.4 miles, 112 miles on the bike, and a marathon run (26 miles 385 yards). It's well rounded and something I'm going to do.

I'm not insane. Baby steps are the way to go. So my first baby step will be a "Sprint Triathalon" in July of 2010 which is a 1/3 mile swim,12.0 mile bike, and 3 mile run. Completely doable. So stay tuned for the reasons why reaching my target goal is going to rock, the reasons I'm looking forward to losing weight, and the progress along the way.

White Oak Home: Part 3

....is coming soon. Do not fret. Me being sick has postponed my writing. In it I'll talk about offers to pig hunt, meeting Paul's dad for the first time, kitty cats like ghosts, four wheeler trips, a beautiful dinner by Paul's childhood friend, and the epiphanies I had at the end of the trip.

YAY!!!!!

YAY!!! I have a gym membership again! At Olympic Athletic Club. With two Jacuzzis, a sauna and a steam room and I'm happy happy happy. Yay!

I have an addiction

I haven't posted in a long time. I've been sick. And being sick sucks. I missed a week of work - unheard of in my history. I watched more tv shows and movies than I have in ages. I got sick of soup and even of my couch - which is also unheard of. So after a week of 100+ degree temperature and more fluids and rest than I really wanted, I got sad.

So what did I do? I made food. Cause apparently that's my cure all. Then Paul and I had a small argument. He wanted a pie, but I didn't have anything to put in the pie until the next day when we went grocery shopping. So I wanted to make something - cookies. Paul didn't want cookies AND a pie, because he believes I have a plan to make him fat, which is ridiculous. I had a plan to make me happy...which involves baking, the end result of which is food that's high in calories in the house, but no one FORCES anyone to eat it. Anyway, we ended up settling on me making cookies, but only baking one pan and freezing the rest. The next day I made an apple pie (very pretty by the way) along with a pauper's version of boeuf bourguignon which was amazingly rich and beautifully yummy.

And then over that weekend I made a massive amount of ginger cookies with boozed up icing. And a seven layer bar treat. It was his birthday on Tuesday, so then I baked a flourless chocolate cake with blueberry topping. And since I had some leftover pie crust from the apple pie, I made another pie.

This is my public announcement I have an addiction. When I'm sad and not feeling well, I bake. And I can't stop. I don't necessarily eat the baked goods, but I must bake to make the house smell yummy and nice and comforting. Plus it makes my friends happy, which makes me happy. This is my coming out statement. I'm a baking addict. I hope you all still love me. And if you're in the Seattle area, please come by and help me and Paul eat it all. Thank you.