tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36378223292000755332024-03-14T00:46:03.814-07:00Rising Dawn*NOTICE: I am a proponent of free speech, and the ability to express yourself openly.
I also believe in the power one has to avoid circumstances in which they are uncomfortable.
Negotiation and consent are also very important to me.
If you are triggered easily or do not like subjects involving religion, politics, or sex, I urge you to please click away and have a pleasant day.*Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-33927250041450716542012-09-18T09:21:00.005-07:002012-09-18T09:35:00.110-07:00Thought for the Day<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I was raised on "Thought for the Day" ~ I love them and continue to do my own version each and every day. Another way I get thoughts for the day is through my mother. A very spiritual person, she sends
out "Thought for the Day/Prayer Requests" emails. Usually her 'thoughts'
are spot on and very meaningful to me. Today's is no exception - this one has been meaningful
all of my life, Anais Nin's quote is one I adore, and I wanted to share. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Lessons repeat themselves until we learn them. </span> </span></i> </span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;">Sometimes
we hear a wake-up call but prefer to pull the covers over our heads so
we can slumber and dream a little longer. We may ignore, resist,
rationalize, or deny reality for a considerable time. That’s okay – our schooling is entirely self-paced, but the lessons keep coming until our actions change.
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><i><span style="font-style: italic;">If we don’t learn the easier lessons, they get harder.</span></i></span><span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> Resistance to learning (or change) reaps more dramatic consequences over time – not to punish us but to get our attention. As
Anaïs Nin wrote, “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a
bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-style: italic;">We learn and grow through challenges, </span></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-style: italic;">and every adversity has hidden gifts.</span></i> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We’ve all experienced physical, mental, and emotional pain. Yet each challenge has brought a greater measure of strength, wisdom, and perspective. We
may not welcome a challenge or embrace unexpected change, loss or
disappointment, but looking back, and over time, we come to appreciate
the gifts of adversity.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This was an excerpt
from: The Four Purposes of Life: Finding Meaning and Direction in a
Changing World</span></span> <span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">by Dan Millman</span></span></span><i><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span></i></div>
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Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-87058188509019500632012-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:002012-09-13T09:14:17.941-07:00Feeling Better!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm feeling lots better, I might do an update as to what's happened later, but for now, that's all that matters.<br />
<br />
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There's been a lot of changes in my life </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and I went through some really difficult times in the past year, </div>
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but the awesome thing is, each day is a new beginning. </div>
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Here's to beginning again! </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nKxGqbMO9HA/UFIBg_IBVtI/AAAAAAAAAyY/mUY6UjAslbI/s1600/always+try+again.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nKxGqbMO9HA/UFIBg_IBVtI/AAAAAAAAAyY/mUY6UjAslbI/s320/always+try+again.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Several times this year, I felt like my life was falling apart, </div>
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or I was falling apart, but it turns out, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the things I didn't need anymore were falling away</div>
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and leaving awesome in their place.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoHHxifhYaQ/UFICb_xhsKI/AAAAAAAAAyo/WEAHpZj_QPU/s1600/falling+apart+or+falling+into+place.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HoHHxifhYaQ/UFICb_xhsKI/AAAAAAAAAyo/WEAHpZj_QPU/s320/falling+apart+or+falling+into+place.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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It's through all the things</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I've determined</div>
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I DON'T want in my life anymore</div>
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</div>
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that I'm left with a clear picture of what </div>
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I DO want in my life.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jExoCQoBA_8/UFIB6EtbgHI/AAAAAAAAAyg/Iq8PdDWPbAc/s1600/1245282905182703,+life+quote.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jExoCQoBA_8/UFIB6EtbgHI/AAAAAAAAAyg/Iq8PdDWPbAc/s320/1245282905182703,+life+quote.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I've developed a strong belief that </div>
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no matter what happens </div>
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or what comes my way</div>
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I'll be okay.</div>
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I really will. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JTjKNHZYhBo/UFIEVYdtHeI/AAAAAAAAAy4/UECW_8EPwpY/s1600/I%27ll+be+fine+either+way.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JTjKNHZYhBo/UFIEVYdtHeI/AAAAAAAAAy4/UECW_8EPwpY/s320/I%27ll+be+fine+either+way.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Because I'm awesome.</div>
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So no matter what's going on,</div>
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or how awful things may feel,</div>
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Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-51464358665990837692011-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:002011-10-15T12:42:53.304-07:00DiagnosisFollow the symptoms <br />
back to the source.<br />
To understand <br />
how to correct <br />
the erred paths<br />
that the body <br />
and mind<br />
have taken.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-4380953718563366782011-09-20T06:58:00.000-07:002011-09-20T06:58:29.693-07:00What Feeling Better Feels LikeWatching sunrises<br />
over mountains in the distance<br />
from a penthouse window.<br />
While the smell of coffee brewing<br />
wafts over from the kitchen,<br />
and music plays in my ears.<br />
<br />
Thank you,<br />
Universe,<br />
for all you've given me.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-77182710121853946892011-08-04T08:49:00.000-07:002011-08-04T08:49:30.293-07:00Health Update: FibromyalgiaAs a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:<br />
<br />
Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.<br />
<br />
My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms. <br />
<br />
This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me <br />
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.<br />
<br />
I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period. <br />
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks. <br />
<br />
Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward. <br />
<br />
In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health. And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.<br />
<br />
I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better. <br />
<br />
Thank you all so much,<br />
<br />
Amanda<br />
<br />
<br />
This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness: <a href="http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm">http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm</a> <br />
<br />
Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia - <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia</a> <br />
<br />
Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic - <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079">http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079</a>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-10998224931065203162011-07-30T11:34:00.000-07:002011-07-30T11:34:42.660-07:00Random Happy<div style="text-align: center;">Hello random happy.</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's nice to see you here,</div><div style="text-align: center;">for the sun is shining,</div><div style="text-align: center;">and even underwater,</div><div style="text-align: center;">everyone is dancing.</div><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/BvgM1MKsWCg?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-10227859158325638262011-06-28T11:21:00.000-07:002011-06-28T11:22:26.855-07:00Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation ArtistI see things like this float around on faceboook:<br />
<br />
<br />
5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!!!<br />
(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.<br />
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.<br />
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.<br />
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.<br />
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.<br />
<br />
<br />
And I want to post rants about it. I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true. Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another. <br />
<br />
It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated. I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating <strong>when you say what you mean</strong>, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.<br />
<br />
So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above. Think about what you really mean. AND THEN SAY IT. <br />
<br />
HONEST COMMUNICATION is a RADICAL concept.<br />
Embrace your radical nature.<br />
<strong><em>Communicate</em></strong>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-5485958857473980262011-06-24T08:36:00.000-07:002011-06-30T09:25:14.248-07:00Fibro HellSick. Not feeling Well. Under the Weather. I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'. Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me. I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs. Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.<br />
<br />
I missed three days of work last week.<br />
<br />
I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. <br />
<br />
It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense. I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over. My shoulder feels as if it's <strong>_NEVER_</strong> in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away. My knee? Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix. Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. <br />
<br />
With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.<br />
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain. <br />
<br />
Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up. It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up. <br />
<br />
<br />
I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-53414071638130656052011-06-09T15:35:00.001-07:002011-06-09T15:50:20.278-07:00bits of broken thoughts....~.~<br />
The world is very busy with itself<br />
So many parts, churning, <br />
grinding, maneuvering around each other<br />
through and against each other.<br />
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.<br />
<br />
~06.09.11~<br />
My dreams eat at me.<br />
<br />
It's in the faded parts <br />
of shadow dream memories<br />
that I see.<br />
I see the pit of the fruit<br />
I wasn’t supposed to eat.<br />
Slick with juice, <br />
Soft and bruised,<br />
Colors pulsing, <br />
flavors shifting,<br />
the fruit turning to dirt <br />
then dust<br />
on my tongue<br />
The rot consumes,<br />
spreading,<br />
decaying.<br />
I consume the fruits <br />
borne of twisted stories<br />
in a mind <br />
that eats at itself on the inside.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-15958505499086467112011-05-25T13:39:00.000-07:002011-05-25T13:39:31.365-07:00Fork Ringspiny tines<br />
entertwined<br />
on the finger<br />
that says <br />
Fuck You.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-13326291585307055802011-05-11T19:04:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:23:41.481-07:00DelveWaves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,<br />
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.<br />
Sinking in effervescent bubbles<br />
into the darkness that looms from below.<br />
Vast and immense,<br />
fathoms upon fathoms deep.<br />
Then the world shifts<br />
rainbow paths shimmer into view,<br />
woven among the tangled brambles<br />
on the rocky shores below.<br />
Paths winding towards<br />
clearings where aquamarine blues<br />
smooth your way across and down.<br />
The brambles only damaging<br />
when you stray too far.<br />
Winding down deeper,<br />
the shimmering light leads you on.<br />
And the pressure shifts<br />
the farther down you go.<br />
Your body compensates,<br />
evolving it's parameters,<br />
limits expanding.<br />
You grow.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-12537167644186994312011-05-10T13:09:00.000-07:002011-05-10T13:09:56.809-07:00NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)<div style="text-align: center;"><em><strong>If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.</strong></em> </div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">So I say </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>"No!" </strong></div><br />
The two year old screams in my head, <strong><em>"NO!" </em></strong>I don't <strong>want </strong>to. You can't <strong>make</strong> me. She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable. A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others. But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.<br />
<br />
Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage. She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you. Please, let me. Can I help with that? <strong><em>Of course </em></strong>I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist<strong><em>?</em></strong>" She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way. She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own. She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself. Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman. <br />
<br />
Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing. But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind. Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience. Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards. To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say - <br />
<br />
"Here. <br />
You see this line?<br />
It's called my <strong>boundary</strong>. <br />
I made it just for you <br />
with my welfare <br />
and your welfare in mind. <br />
I'm smart and intelligent.<br />
My judgement is sound.<br />
I know what I need and what I want. <br />
Respect me by <br />
respecting my boundaries. <br />
<em>Listen </em>when I say <strong>"No"</strong>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days. It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again. It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two. <br />
<br />
It's also been exceedingly frustrating. I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me. I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me. I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival. Because if she says "No.", no one will love her. If she says "No", people will think she's mean. If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so <em>selfish</em>! And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead. Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.<br />
<br />
I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries. By saying "No" when I mean it. And repeating it until necessary. Creating boundaries is <strong><em>so important</em></strong>. Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside. They keep you safe. Boundaries say - "Here. Here is where I am. You are over there - as in not in here. Me - over <strong>here</strong>. You - over <strong>there</strong>. THIS IS A BOUNDARY"<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them. I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long. I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.<br />
<br />
So yes. To summarize my mini-rant - <br />
<ul><li>If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. </li>
<li>Saying "No" is something I need to work on.</li>
<li>Boundaries are <u><strong>extremely important</strong>.</u></li>
<li>Consistency and Honesty are the key</li>
</ul>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-7277893651633134652011-05-05T15:52:00.001-07:002011-07-07T16:16:55.893-07:00Twisted TanglesTwisted barbs of past memories <br />
slash through me.<br />
I am bruised and bleeding,<br />
bound and tangled<br />
by the weight <br />
of my misguided feelings of responsibility. <br />
Guilt ridden sobs choke me - <br />
I'm lost in the deep dark waters of self-loathing.<br />
The waters run deep and run so cold.<br />
Swirling the pieces of my broken thoughts<br />
until they impaling my mind <br />
with thier jagged glass edges <br />
slashing through the trembling beams <br />
of my self-esteem.<br />
Until it all falls down.<br />
~.~<br />
<br />
I harbor within my memory<br />
a refugee.<br />
Displaced and in pain,<br />
Her home burned, <br />
her future uncertain,<br />
her loved ones destroyed.<br />
She's foreign to me now,<br />
from places and times<br />
that're now hard to recognize.<br />
I provide her a solitary haven,<br />
a refuge for her to heal her pain.<br />
But she holds it too close for her to let go. <br />
She guards it with tightened fists<br />
and angry determination.<br />
She clings to it with a desperate need.<br />
Because it fills her up.<br />
It makes her whole.<br />
I let her give it up -<br />
bit by painful bit.<br />
One sob at a time.<br />
There is no rush -<br />
She can hold onto her grief<br />
her sorrow,<br />
for as long as she wants.<br />
No one's going to take it away.<br />
That's not what makes a home.<br />
It's not a place of sorrow.<br />
It has the potential to be a place of safety.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-12323420413968590962011-04-08T09:57:00.000-07:002011-04-08T09:57:44.009-07:00InwardCurling around myself, <br />
my limbs fold back on themselves-<br />
reducing the amount I touch the world<br />
the amount the world touches me.<br />
Shoulders upward, inward,<br />
arms folding in like origami<br />
resting in the hollow of my breasts,<br />
a secure nest made by my ribcage. <br />
Hands relaxing in, <br />
holding the reverberations of my heartbeat<br />
against my breastbone.<br />
Head relaxing in the hollow of my shoulder,<br />
negative space taken up with positive.<br />
Eyes closed, <br />
There is safety here.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-18051921696139192132011-04-07T13:52:00.000-07:002011-04-07T13:52:55.509-07:0004.07.11 Connections<div style="text-align: center;">Iridescent threads</div><div style="text-align: center;">wrapped and woven around each other</div><div style="text-align: center;">looped about,</div><div style="text-align: center;">impossible to trace back,</div><div style="text-align: center;">twisting in between and </div><div style="text-align: center;">through you - </div><div style="text-align: center;"> and her - </div><div style="text-align: center;"> and him -</div><div style="text-align: center;"> and me -</div><div style="text-align: center;"> and we.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Surrounding us.</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's an intertwined tapestry</div><div style="text-align: center;">of ideas and beliefs...</div><div style="text-align: center;">glowing with the</div><div style="text-align: center;">changing morphing beauty</div><div style="text-align: center;">of each person's hopes and dreams.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Taking the wear and tear from daily life</div><div style="text-align: center;">distributing it out, </div><div style="text-align: center;">each strand standing strong</div><div style="text-align: center;">because they stand together.</div><div style="text-align: center;">A way to soften the blows </div><div style="text-align: center;">that will always come.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Supporting itself </div><div style="text-align: center;">by the concurrent will and strength -</div><div style="text-align: center;">The wisdom </div><div style="text-align: center;">inherent in each strand,</div><div style="text-align: center;">each being, </div><div style="text-align: center;">each beautiful unique piece.</div><div style="text-align: center;">A work of art in perpetual motion.</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5FWt6Z_DUoQ/TZ4jb-4G69I/AAAAAAAAAlw/CFwKtJoHgOk/s1600/035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5FWt6Z_DUoQ/TZ4jb-4G69I/AAAAAAAAAlw/CFwKtJoHgOk/s320/035.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-42297546972149232902011-04-07T11:19:00.000-07:002011-04-07T11:19:04.769-07:00I have a dream!<a href="http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm">.<em>"....A</em><em>nd so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream....."</em></a> <br />
<br />
I have a dream, that one day - I will have a room.<br />
A room in a house that I already call my home - a room that's mine.<br />
I have a dream that it will be judged not by the pink of its walls, or the sheen of its translucent patterns so decoratively stamped, or the plush of its carpet, but rather by the sum of its parts. The essence of it's awesome.<br />
<br />
For it will be awesome. Oh, how its awesomeness will shimmer and shine.<br />
<br />
I moved into a community house a few weeks ago, and the re-doing of the room has been all consuming. The past beautiful Sunday morning I took a break in between stripping multiple layers of paint off of the baseboards and ripping out some more baseboards to sit back and think about all that I have left to do, and how far I've come.<br />
<br />
The process has been frustrating, exhilarating, cathartic, exhausting, anxiety producing, fun, a bonding experience, and very educational. Two and a half weeks, already, of sleeping on the couch upstairs and working just about every day on getting the room up to snuff. I've accomplished with the help of Elizabeth, one of my housemates, a *lot* in that time frame. <br />
<br />
Walls were primered and painted, as well as the ceiling, closet holes were patched, sanded, trim in the closet painted. Baseboards were ripped out. Believe you me, there's nothing more Amandazonianly satisfying than standing on a ladder working with a crowbar and hammer ripping wood off the walls. Elizabeth and I took them out in the back yard and slathered stripper stuff all over them. The stripper compound looks and smells like orange sherbert. It's a little disturbing how <strong>good</strong> it smells since it's uber toxic, but it does a good job. Elizabeth's been helping out tremendously during this whole process and did a great job of stamping the iridescent translucent glaze in red and violet undertones on my pretty pink walls. <br />
<br />
So far, there' only a few things left to do....painting the window, stripping the old paint off the baseboards/sanding/repainting them, patching up a few holes that're left, some touch up paint, and installation of pretty curtains and a new more functional doorknob. Well, that's what <strong>I</strong> have left to do. Menfolk of the house are taking care of the rewiring of some electrical outlets and Internet cables and doing the carpet installation. It's <strong>so close</strong> to being done I can almost taste it!! The end is near, and I'm <strong>very much </strong>looking forward to it. <br />
<br />
One day - <em>soon</em> - my dream will be a reality.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-86384880595279832922011-03-25T15:45:00.000-07:002011-03-25T15:58:39.287-07:00Wish Want Love Covet 5<div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;">Blah - so much is happening right now that when I sit down to write a blog post I can't keep it under a bazillion words. I've moved into a community house in which I'm <strong>VERY</strong> happy at and am both getting my room ready by painting/capret installation and dealing with the fact all my items are strewn everywhere in boxes. Today is Friday....a relaxing day (for the moment)....so I thought I'd post up another wish want love covet blog. No good reason, other than I have some free time and I found some <strong>really cute things! </strong></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><em>Squee! </em>I really adore aprons, although most of the ones I like are far too small for my curveacious hips. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U6YMS_xKNoc/TY0XGmSb5bI/AAAAAAAAAlU/O3EEwIdIRKI/s1600/apron.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-U6YMS_xKNoc/TY0XGmSb5bI/AAAAAAAAAlU/O3EEwIdIRKI/s200/apron.jpg" width="167" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/70453864/french-toile-black-white-and-red-half?ref=sr_gallery_9&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade">http://www.etsy.com/listing/70453864/french-toile-black-white-and-red-half?ref=sr_gallery_9&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade</a> <br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Oh my goodness this is <strong>so incredibly me</strong>. And snazzy like hot. Yes!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4Ui8EiWLudY/TY0XXeDo-QI/AAAAAAAAAlY/ayv3BxKce0U/s1600/redblack+case.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" r6="true" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4Ui8EiWLudY/TY0XXeDo-QI/AAAAAAAAAlY/ayv3BxKce0U/s200/redblack+case.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/67573484/stainless-metal-card-case-metal-id?ref=sr_gallery_15&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade">http://www.etsy.com/listing/67573484/stainless-metal-card-case-metal-id?ref=sr_gallery_15&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>This is beyond super cute fantastic - I'm realizing I want the things I own to be both beautiful and meaningful. <br />
This shrug is beautiful!<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-2jVCy7BwpLw/TY0X8A2qSqI/AAAAAAAAAlc/0cUOiOvXCho/s1600/aubryred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-2jVCy7BwpLw/TY0X8A2qSqI/AAAAAAAAAlc/0cUOiOvXCho/s200/aubryred.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/70796345/audrey-silk-ruffle-shrug-with-bow-custom?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade">http://www.etsy.com/listing/70796345/audrey-silk-ruffle-shrug-with-bow-custom?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I am <strong>always</strong> in favor of the key&lock combination. This is simple, streamlined, gorgeous, and ridiculously priced for what it is. Things this expensive just drive me nuts. Beautiful things should not be beyond everyone's budget. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Pu0uQHW4lVA/TY0YbH6ALaI/AAAAAAAAAlg/UivTxVGkgc0/s1600/key.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Pu0uQHW4lVA/TY0YbH6ALaI/AAAAAAAAAlg/UivTxVGkgc0/s200/key.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/56160094/pendant-sterling-with-keyhole?ref=fp_treasury_5">http://www.etsy.com/listing/56160094/pendant-sterling-with-keyhole?ref=fp_treasury_5</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;">Sooo pretty - celtic designs with red garnets? Delish!</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-SsISTfeh4m4/TY0ZG9yz5CI/AAAAAAAAAlk/YFSnddcBXls/s1600/il_570xN_204647813.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-SsISTfeh4m4/TY0ZG9yz5CI/AAAAAAAAAlk/YFSnddcBXls/s200/il_570xN_204647813.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/65019499/celtic-twist-red-garnet-charm-earrings">http://www.etsy.com/listing/65019499/celtic-twist-red-garnet-charm-earrings</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: center;">Following along on the whole - I love keys thing.....</div><div style="text-align: center;">this necklace is amazing, although perhaps a bit big for my tastes</div><div style="text-align: center;">...................but who knows? Those things change.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-bkA_byG9rwg/TY0Zzr_og9I/AAAAAAAAAlo/ZqSJANIzZYI/s1600/ravenskey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-bkA_byG9rwg/TY0Zzr_og9I/AAAAAAAAAlo/ZqSJANIzZYI/s200/ravenskey.jpg" width="175" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/69974280/ravens-wing-skeleton-key-upcycled?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=angels&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade">http://www.etsy.com/listing/69974280/ravens-wing-skeleton-key-upcycled?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=angels&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: center;">Yeah, I know......the same ol' same ol' red and black, but it's just so damn sexy!</div><div style="text-align: center;"> <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-4Fy3C5Pw0So/TY0beL7H1nI/AAAAAAAAAls/yBBuAAvOP84/s1600/redring.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" r6="true" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-4Fy3C5Pw0So/TY0beL7H1nI/AAAAAAAAAls/yBBuAAvOP84/s200/redring.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/56375244/gorgeous-neo-victorian-gothic-lolita?ref=sr_gallery_38&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade">http://www.etsy.com/listing/56375244/gorgeous-neo-victorian-gothic-lolita?ref=sr_gallery_38&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"></div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-26674461177270452872011-03-17T16:26:00.000-07:002011-05-05T10:55:00.124-07:00Music and Me!Mai Li is a friend of mine that I'm using as a guinea pig in an experiment to see how I'd do as a freelance efficiency/organizational/process improving consultant. We had a wonderful get together a few weeks ago and we're getting together next week to discuss the <strong>FABULOUS</strong> launch party that's happening in May that I'm going to have nifty fun parts in. While we were discussing the amazingness that will occur, she mentioned there was a youtube video where you can can see bits and pieces of me dancing at the last performance of theirs I went to!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3DlY0RHQAI">See me dancing? To AWESOME Music!</a><br />
<br />
<br />
Mai Li's rad and does amazing music (she's on the electric violin on stage) and she's involved with several bands and has solo things she does - <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/mailisbiggestfans">Mai Li's facebook Page</a><br />
She put on a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj6QEeMqSb4">"XMas time for Jews"</a> video which went around quite a bit! <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/thedebaucherauntes">The Debaucherauntes</a> is one of the bands she's involved with - Klezmer-gypsy jazz fusion: <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/bourgeoisbulletwound">Bourgeois Bulletwound</a> is another band she's in, a Rock quartet... with a violin and a bitchin' name! They have a couple of youtube videos of their songs - Funk/gypsy/blues take on "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLK0p1iERf0">Ruby Tuesday</a>", <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4NbecOoQtU">"Dreaming of Tomorrow"</a>, and a cover of "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R90a7DNxdrE">Purple</a>" (Gogol Bordello) are just a few of the songs they do - they are AMAZING LIVE, so if you're in Seattle tonight for St. Patty's Day, go check out <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=132724626797896">their show</a> at the Ould Triangle!Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-67153289372011943652011-02-25T13:53:00.000-08:002011-02-25T13:53:51.979-08:00DecidedResolute.<br />
Determined.<br />
Purpose Chosen.<br />
Follow Through Required.<br />
Unmistakable.<br />
With Integrity<br />
Settled.<br />
Whole.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-59778256551465622092011-02-08T11:36:00.000-08:002011-02-08T11:36:11.377-08:00What Helps?Stress. You know, that thing that's the leading contributor in more major health disorders than I can count. Constant stress wears you down, breaks you down, physically and mentally. <a href="http://scienceblogs.com/cortex/2010/07/stress.php?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+scienceblogs%2FwDAM+%28The+Frontal+Cortex%29&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher">Check it out.</a> I mean, the long term effects of chronic or perpetual stress is pretty freaking bad. <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-impact-of-stress/">Seriously.</a><br />
<br />
There's reasons for it though. Stress is a great indicator of when things are bothering you. It's a motivator sometimes to address the issue at hand that's stirring up that Fight or Flight response. Soooooo...I've been working on ways to identify what things calm down stress, or help me deal with it.<br />
<br />
1)I learn to notice stress for the indicator that it is, identify the root cause, and realize it's a message and opportunity to change my life for the better, not something I have to live with forever.<br />
<br />
2) Have a good cry. Science says that tears actually get rid of chemicals in body created by stress. <br />
<br />
3) Don't deny or repress your emotions, this only compounds stress. <br />
<br />
4) Get a massage <br />
<br />
5) Use meditation, and/or creative visualization. <br />
<br />
6) Get plenty of rest. <br />
<br />
7) Take a vacation - 30 minutes, a day, a weekend! Doing nothing or something I love and find relaxing. <br />
<br />
8) Dance.<br />
<br />
9) Simplify my life in stages. If someone or something habitually causes me stress, I need to examine their presence in my life.<br />
<br />
10) Laugh and have fun with someone. BE SILLY!<br />
<br />
11) Remember I still have power over the attitude I take towards the circumstances in my life. <br />
<br />
12) Face up to what's causing the stress until it isn’t stressful anymore. <br />
<br />
13) Do something nice for someone else.<br />
<br />
14) Organizing - doesn't really matter what - it helps.<br />
<br />
15) Talking to other people.<br />
<br />
16) BEING CRAFTY!<br />
<br />
17) Play pretend<br />
<br />
18) Bubble Bath<br />
<br />
19) Cuddles/Hugs/Pets are always a happy thing. : )Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-59450967593201777212011-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:002011-02-08T11:20:58.512-08:00Wish Want Love Covet 4Pretty and Elegant. I like jewerly, and have been wearing more of it more often, but I tend to stay to my tried and true favorites that are comfortable so I'm looking for more things that are pretty and basic and versitile....<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TUNdhW0tjeI/AAAAAAAAAkw/v-WiaXOrl0w/s1600/butterfly+bracelet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" s5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TUNdhW0tjeI/AAAAAAAAAkw/v-WiaXOrl0w/s320/butterfly+bracelet.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ny-image2.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.212184350.jpg">http://ny-image2.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.212184350.jpg</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I'm also growing out my hair as a part of a multiple layer promise to myself on several things. I can see my bangs now - which is a little weird. And it's quickly going to get to that "In-my-face-I-hate-it-it's-driving-me-nuts" stage. Which isn't really a stage for me so much as a year long patience trying endurance test. There<strong> are </strong>reasons I'm doing this that superceed the irritation factor. It is worth it. However, I need things to make it pretty during this stage and ways to keep it out of my face....and that means BARRETTES!!!! And HAIRBANDS!!!<br />
<br />
This one is pretty, black and white to be versitile, elegant, and sparkly. Though my frienship with Elizabeth, I'm gaining an appreciation for sparkly things.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGK5OD80dI/AAAAAAAAAlI/XT9_jPorAE8/s1600/black+and+white+barrette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGK5OD80dI/AAAAAAAAAlI/XT9_jPorAE8/s320/black+and+white+barrette.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Boucle-Black-Collection-Hand-set-Swarovski/dp/B00113EZDI/ref=sr_1_54?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189574&sr=1-54">http://www.amazon.com/Boucle-Black-Collection-Hand-set-Swarovski/dp/B00113EZDI/ref=sr_1_54?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189574&sr=1-54</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table> I LOVE love love LOVE flower barrettes and this one is so feminine and I love the colors.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGGx0mvLxI/AAAAAAAAAlA/8AiAGlKOZAg/s1600/azalea_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGGx0mvLxI/AAAAAAAAAlA/8AiAGlKOZAg/s1600/azalea_.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Light-Pink-Azalea-Flower-Limited/dp/B00357DIB8/ref=sr_1_19?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297188492&sr=1-19">http://www.amazon.com/Light-Pink-Azalea-Flower-Limited/dp/B00357DIB8/ref=sr_1_19?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297188492&sr=1-19</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I enjoy tortishell. I think the rich honey color goes well with my skin and really love the sparkly bits.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGKOi7GMFI/AAAAAAAAAlE/Tyiob1SUmsI/s1600/tortise+shell+barette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGKOi7GMFI/AAAAAAAAAlE/Tyiob1SUmsI/s1600/tortise+shell+barette.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Caravan-Engraved-Barrette-Tortoise-Shell/dp/B003BDC4IY/ref=sr_1_40?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189328&sr=1-40">http://www.amazon.com/Caravan-Engraved-Barrette-Tortoise-Shell/dp/B003BDC4IY/ref=sr_1_40?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189328&sr=1-40</a><br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Again - Elegant, black and white, soft and feathery. Pretty Pretty.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGLKU0tx3I/AAAAAAAAAlM/k0FtiQcPhAs/s1600/black+and+white+hairband.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGLKU0tx3I/AAAAAAAAAlM/k0FtiQcPhAs/s1600/black+and+white+hairband.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Black-White-Feather-Headband-Limited/dp/B004C4FJTW/ref=sr_1_95?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189636&sr=1-95">http://www.amazon.com/Black-White-Feather-Headband-Limited/dp/B004C4FJTW/ref=sr_1_95?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189636&sr=1-95</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
There is a theme here...... And these are actually two combs facing eachother, so it would be strong enough to hold my fine hair. I don't have very thick hair, so most clips and barrettes slip right out. <br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGNq8Db8-I/AAAAAAAAAlQ/_u5f79cC1eA/s1600/black+mini+roses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVGNq8Db8-I/AAAAAAAAAlQ/_u5f79cC1eA/s1600/black+mini+roses.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Hair-Clear-Black-Roses/dp/B0034KEAOA/ref=sr_1_30?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297190257&sr=1-30">http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Hair-Clear-Black-Roses/dp/B0034KEAOA/ref=sr_1_30?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297190257&sr=1-30</a><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-34659273586786517372011-02-07T16:53:00.000-08:002011-02-07T16:56:51.435-08:00broken heart stringsOver tensioned strained strings <br />
hopscotch over tangled knots<br />
that're limp and broken.<br />
A mess - unravelling and fraying.<br />
And the melancholy mourning music <br />
that wafts tones <br />
which ring eerily into the silence <br />
....fade.....<br />
Struggling to tune<br />
these warped heart strings of mine,<br />
with no ear for the melody <br />
no key to match to...<br />
Tightening, loosening<br />
Stretching, caressing<br />
Sting by string,<br />
bit by bit<br />
hoping the tune <br />
will sing a brighter song<br />
in the days to come.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVCUjt3krUI/AAAAAAAAAk8/DNxrMy2JiEc/s1600/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="165" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TVCUjt3krUI/AAAAAAAAAk8/DNxrMy2JiEc/s200/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/447880/447880,1269266937,2/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg">http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/447880/447880,1269266937,2/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-22855398999453937922011-02-06T10:49:00.000-08:002011-02-06T10:49:56.486-08:00Queer WordsIt started off when someone called me queer. Friends of mine were looking for a poly, queer, female bodied person who could be the other principal organizer for events at a community house and bring knowledge and a sense of additional community. An honor, really, to be thought of to join their band of shennaniganish amazing people. <br />
<br />
But <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer">Queer. </a><br />
<br />
What a strange word to have associated with me. I've never been heterosexually straight, per se. I experimented like all teenagers would. I grew up around extremely conservative heteronormative Mormons, but the other side of my family was much more liberal, accepting, and gender and sexual orientation free/fluid/accepting. I never really heard the word very often growing up - "Gay" was the predominant term used in the region I was raised. <br />
<br />
In my youth, I started out on one end of the spectrum, and as much as I thought girls were pretty, was adamant I was heterosexual.....moving through my teenage years I gradually identified more as heteroflexible. Since becoming poly I moved from heteroflexible, to bi, to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexual">pansexual</a>, which to me really identifies most acurately who I am attracted to - a person. For who they are. I couldn't care less if someone wants to be called a he, or a she, zee, them, they. I don't care what's in their pants or under their shirt or what stages of in between it might be. I've been with men who had probably had the market cornered on testosterone, women who were the super girly of girliest that I ever did see, people who identify as transgendered, and lots of things in between. I simply love and am attracted to <strong>people</strong>. I'm in love with their spirit - their soul - the lines on their faces that come from the way they smile and the grace of their bodies in motion. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RlHYlUOrHE">I like the everything that is them.</a> <br />
<br />
(Oh, and if you're into spoken word - check out this person - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfCWiVUWQa8">I Love <3 Andrea Gibson <3.</a> Their work epitomizes some of the gender position I have.)<br />
<div><br />
</div>I understand the need for words to describe, to communicate, to understand where things are coming from and where they might be going, I'm a writer and was an English major. The problems with words is they can be misconstrued. My definition doesn't match yours. I have years of associations built up that are triggered when my brain identifys the word "queer" or "bi" or "Quazimodo" or "pie". No one else has lived the life I had and so no one else will be able to see the world the way I do, or see the flowers and hear the laughter when someone says "How does an Owl go?" - the response in my brain triggers this encounter with my husband in the zoo - and the sound a ghost makes going "OoooOooooo"...or hear the word "Elephant", which is an image of a man lying down on a massive bean bag and a cute friend snorting in laughter. <br />
<br />
So there's all these mixed up, mashed up, alternative versions of meanings of everything that ever is. But people crave to know things and that's the most common ways humans translate information to each other. Through words. For fucks sakes, I wish there was a more articulate way to communicate. I've been innundated with people who aren't very familiar with me recently who want to know how I identify and who I am. I just want to tell them I identify as Amanda. Me. Myself. I. That's it, that's all there is. That's who I am and how I connect with that.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately that doesn't transfer the information and I'm forced to use those labels everyone else has created. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm polyamorous. I'm pansexual. My personal gender identity is primarily female but has elements of fluidity to it. I'm a person and therefore complicated. I'm the Amandazon that and a little girl too. And everything exists in this small space squished inside my epidermus, firing synapses that generate thought and emotion and action in microspaces inbetween nerve endings. <br />
<br />
There's just so much that combines to define me, but nothing that you can tag to my lapel and have stick, or be complete enough to set your foundation of me on. There's an illusive and mystical element of being someone, full and complete, that can't be captured with words. If any thing is queer, it's trying to capture the meaning of a person in simple words.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-64218592800852860002011-02-02T14:09:00.000-08:002011-02-02T14:09:18.284-08:00The Beauty in Slow MomentsThink Before you Act.<br />
Follow Through on Your Plans.<br />
..................................and now...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="font-size: x-large;">SLOW DOWN</span></strong></div><br />
I'm typically am constantly on the go. "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is. All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me. It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.<br />
<br />
This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life. I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project. <br />
<br />
When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature. I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was <strong>just </strong>as explorative as I am now. I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong? Which one of these is not like the other?" I thought about me. I was different than the rest of them. I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me. <br />
<br />
When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady. I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch. I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully. I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature. I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go! To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot. More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour. I wanted the things that life had to offer. <br />
<br />
Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did. We didn't connect. There was that compatibility factor missing. I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.<br />
<br />
So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night. It seemed a little silly asking for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night. <br />
<br />
It was everything I'd hoped for and more. A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "<em>Squee!"</em> when excited came over Saturday night. We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! ! <br />
<br />
Oh. My. God. Seriously!!! As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have <strong>NO IDEA</strong> - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! Period. End of pillow fight story. The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset. Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.<br />
<br />
After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie. My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS. Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast. The best part about all this? I have girl friends. <strong> </strong><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><strong><em>Girls</em></strong>. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>Who are <u>my friends</u></strong>. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>Who **rock**!!!</strong> </div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><strong><em><span style="font-size: x-large;">SQUEE!!!</span> </em></strong></div><br />
All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing. It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time. Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me. I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.<br />
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way. Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while. We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there. Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness. We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house. Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other. <br />
<br />
Dinner was yummy. A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly. But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth. She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions. One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles. And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other. Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good. So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner. <br />
<br />
There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3637822329200075533.post-76696207841888213902011-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:002011-02-02T10:10:53.624-08:00RockstarI'm posting a note a friend of mine sent me after I told them I was sitting down and outlining my personal and professional goals over the weekend. When I got it - it made my day. I'm posting it because the writing is very well done, because I think it would be amazing if I could have a dream of this (I am informally putting in a request to the Universe to make that happen). <br />
<br />
<br />
Mostly though, because I like it. It makes me smile. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>ROCKSTAR</strong></span></div><br />
"There were no empty seats in the stadium of 80,000. And everyone was excited. The DJ had been playing the crowd to perfection, bringing them up and down as they waited for the star. Most of the songs being played were unknown to the audience, although the star could sing the lyrics to each of them. By next week they would all be top sellers on iTunes. That's just the kind of following she had.<br />
<br />
The lights dimmed all around the stadium and the DJ got everyone quieted.. almost to a hush. Then in total darkness the pyrotechnics stage right went off. Giant tubes discharged their light and explosions and fire into the darkness and the crowd went wild. Before the last ember faded the massive bank on stage left leapt to action with a fire show that lit up the sky all the way between Everett and Tacoma. It would be hard to say if the noise was louder from the explosions or from the crowd yelling in anticipation.<br />
<br />
At that second a 10,000 megawatt spotlight cut across the length of the stadium and illuminated her center stage. Now the crowd was deafening with their cheers and stamping! Standing with her feet shoulder width apart, facing straight forward. The heels on her Jimmy Choo shoes were the perfect complement to the jet black skirt, tastefully slit a short distance up the back. Her deep red Dolce & Gabbana blouse tied it all together, and was the perfect counter to the red in her hair. The spotlight made that red hair blaze like a fire you saw on the lowest levels of the ancient tower at Karazhan. Her piercings reflected the spotlight back in thousands of tiny spots that bathed over the adoring audience.<br />
<br />
She stood there unmoving. Her head leaning far to the right and resting on her right shoulder, face slightly down. Her left arm was held up as straight as a piece of schedule 40 galvanized pipe. She looked at the stage floor and a quiet thought drifted through her mind.. "I wonder what the spec would look like for this kind of resilient flooring." She smiled at herself and realized even here she couldn't turn it off, just like all the architects she had helped. Then another thought came to her: "that weekend when I sat down and set my goals.. could I ever have imagined it ending up here?" <br />
<br />
By now all the facilities people who had frantically been calling in life safety support out of fear the stadium couldn't withstand the kind of stomping and swaying this crowd was doing gave up, dropped their cell phones, and joined in the yelling. Because at the end of that left arm center stage, suspended from outstretched fingertips, was the notebook. Just a simple white binder, but every one of those people packed into the stadium knew what was in it. RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, ASI diagrams... <br />
<br />
If you've ever heard 80,000 people chant at the top of their lungs in perfect unison you'll never forget it. <br />
A MAN DA! <br />
A MAN DA!<br />
A MAN DA!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TUmeAlxgGWI/AAAAAAAAAk4/tEv_jrwnStg/s1600/stage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" s5="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_04LcB0n-9dE/TUmeAlxgGWI/AAAAAAAAAk4/tEv_jrwnStg/s320/stage.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
It's hilarious to me because it weaves in music, pyrotechnics, Jimmy Choo shoes and Dolce & Gabbana blouse - red nonetheless to match my hair, piercings, and bits and pieces of architecutral specifications which is something I help out with occasionally in my career. Not to mention the reference to World of Warcraft - add to that life safety crews, which is hillarious to me, and the fantasy that 80,000 people in one place would know what RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, and ASI diagrams are.....and that they would be rambunctious enough to <strong>make some noise!</strong> about their organizaiton.<br />
<br />
It's a piece that's totally ego-boosting, whimsy and silly rife with industry references not most people would get or appreciate. But I Love It. And wanted to share.Amandahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05673149564874971616noreply@blogger.com0