Thursday, January 13, 2011

Running over Puppies

My dreams have been getting more and more interesting lately.  At this point, I'm ceasing respond to them like nightmares and have begun dissecting them with an intrigued but distant scientific perspective. I don't put much stock into the "supernatural" nature of dreams or think by "divining their meaning" you come one step closer to enlightenment.  I do think it's a nifty tool to figure out what your brain chews on while you're unconscious.  Viewing common themes in your life, difficulties, internal struggles, etc... through the tools of a highly personal and symbolic mini movie sometimes allows you to gain some greater insight into yourself simply because you look at it from a different angle.

So, for instance, I dream of being behind the wheel of a car that has NO BRAKES on icy dark roads almost hitting a shaking tiny puppy in the middle of the road over and over and over again - missing it  only by the skin of the tires. I habitually got lost in this dream, sliding out of control and wandering around in circles, not able to reach my destination. 

While the dream wasn't super *pleasant* to experience, waking up, I thought - hrm....interesting. Through the symbolic lens of the dream meshed with my own personal stresses lately, I see an interpretation - I obviously don't feel in control of where I'm going in my life.  I'm definitely striving towards a milestone I don't feel I'm making much progress in obtaining.
I was chatting about this with a couple of friends of mine one night before getting my geeky gamer thing going.  One of them suggested that I was on the brink of a self-revelation, but I'm stymied.  Which I kinda feel like is true.  With all this hemming and hawing and analyzing and anxiety and adjustment, I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

Which, ironically was illustrated in game that evening quite well, actually.  I play Vampire the Masquerede, don't ask me what edition, I couldn't care less.  I enjoy playing the game because the storyteller is amazing, the people I spend 3-6-8 hours with are really enjoyable to be around, I get to play pretend - one of my favorite games, and I get to learn life lessons in an environment in which messing us doesn't mess my life up.  My Gypsy Oracular Rune Tossing Seductress Deranged-beyond-all-realms-of-thinkable might bite the undead big one after realizing a life what does family mean, reallyBut I'd gain that knowledge and not suffer from it in the least.
One thing I learned last night at game was that it's really easy to miss the obvious.  Like....there's a strange thing where you can go through the wall....we go through it but we don't stop and take a look at what makes it different so we end up traipsing all over the place, dodging squishy bad things, jumping over death pits, fighting zombie hoards, and almost entering demonic death chambers because we didn't take the time to stop and look - really look and see why this way was better than the other way.

I kinda feel like that's happening now.  I'm sliding around on ice with no brakes, feeling like I've barely got this shit under control, feeling a bit emotionally and mentally constipated because I'm simply not looking at the writing on the wall.  If I could figure out *how* to just *see* the signs that'll lead to achieving 'self-enlightenment' at this stage, all this pressure would be relieved. 

I feel like internally I've done all this growing and expanding.  My brain is firing in ways it hasn't before, but I haven't figure out how to move beyond this initial stage, and it's getting past cozy into cramped in mental/emotional space I've got.  Which is frustrating.

I know I'm going to get there.  Something'll happen, something will click and I'll have the key that'll allow me to move on to another stage in my development, the pressure will be released, there will be less internal conflict, and I'll have the opportunity to take on another challenge.

Until then, I'm coasting around in a car that has no brakes, where the seat's pushed forward to far, the steering wheel is over sized.  I'm uncomfortable and straining to maintain the effort *not* to hit the puppy in the middle of the road.   That scenario played out in my dream is filled with as much irritation and tension as if I were walking a tightrope high in the air with some one on the end yelling and screaming at me.  I'm walking a fine line that's vibrating with tension, distracted by things that aren't where they should be.  Maybe the enlightenment will come if I just changed the dynamics, ran over the puppy.  If nothing else, it'd stop that loop of nervous frustrated anxiety and tension that wears me down and wears me out.  Even when I'm sleeping.

1 comment:

  1. Driving a car with no brakes - out of control - yes, you know this dream well. I remember it going on a few years ago. I don't recall the puppy being in those dreams though.

    One problem with us analytical types, we tend to try to figure out how the pieces of the puzzle fit together, analyze their individual shapes and colors, without just stopping and taking a moment to just look at the picture (big or little). Yes, it is usually the thing right in front of us, the most obvious, that we miss. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is one thing I learned - not in my psychology classes - but from Dee. She's very good at seeing the most obvious thing to which I seem oblivious.

    Oh - one thing that I just remembered...when you're driving on ice and start to slide, steer into the slide instead of fighting against it. :)