Friday, May 8, 2009

Geeking out and Figuring it Out.

I saw Star Trek last night - which was awesome!! It was very much like a wonderful classic episode - totally worth seeing. Logic gaps, but then again, Star Trek logic always moved at the speed of plot :) Anyway - see it if you get the chance.

So the ongoing battle with the effects of not being on anti-depressants continues. I'm getting caught unexpectedly by the fact that this is difficult, stemming from the fact I'm having to recreate me - how I act and react, how I think and emotionally respond, how I believe and what I think is my center, and the founding principles that I build myself and my world off of. I've been through really trying times (last year, for example), but this feels so much more difficult - it reminds me of the emotionally trying times I went through when I was a child / teenager. I think it's because now, like then, I have a chance (or am forced) to reassess myself, how I interact within the environment around me, and how I react to stimuli, what those founding principles are, etc.... With trying times before I always had that "core" or my castle where I lived and resided. Going through this, though, is harder because it's restructuring the castle. It's hard to escape to the "safe place" when the "safe place" is the place that's in disarray.

But it is really exciting. I have this beautiful tabla rosa that is who I am before me ready for me to make something wonderful out of it. I have the chance and the ability to develop my adult identity. It's not easy, but that's what makes it so important - so beautiful and so meaningful. We build ourselves, our castles, on clouds in the sky. And the cloud that's been defining my life for the last couple of years, in which I built my foundation on is disintegrating and I'm searching for a new cloud to build on while this one is disappearing. It's really the transition that's terrifying, the not knowing how I'm going to get from the current cloud to the future one.

I could stay on the earlier cloud, I could keep going on the antidepressants because this process is hard - I could give up. But (Paul and I talk about this aspect of both our personalities frequently) "What I want is true - and because of that I will suffer." If I were more shallow, or more content with meritocracy and lies, or undeveloping the truth about who I am and where I'm going, what I want, what I'm made of - I'd stay on this cloud with the antidepressants. I wouldn't search for the next cloud, I wouldn't look too closely at the current one and realize it's not valid anymore. I would be blissfully ignorant in my mediocrity.

But I can't do that. Choosing this is choosing the painful metamorphosis of developing myself. Even though I know this will result in an amazing transformation wherein I come out better than I am right now, it's a difficult and challenging thing to walk into. It takes courage.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon. I want to constantly change and become a better person on a daily basis. Something that does take a lot of courage, but being a better person is more important than leaving behind my comfort with the now.

Courage, in the final analysis, is nothing but an affirmative answer to the shocks of existence. ~Kurt Goldstein

To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity. ~Edward Weeks

So here's to figuring things out. (at least for now)

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