Restless

*sigh* Paul, has a way with words and today's word is definitely "RESTLESS". I don't even know where I want to start with this. So here's a sampling smorgasbord I guess.

Past History/Background: I'm a good ol' Kansas girl who was a city girl at heart who moved up to the big city of Seattle, fell in love with it. I came from an unusual family background: mom's gay married for 15+ years to a woman who has had a ....lasting impression on my life. A good person but an alcoholic. My father remarried a Canadian Mormon. My brother is a really good guy, a bit lazy, but a really good friend now that I don't live with him. Went to college looking to get a PhD in Literature to teach English at a university, but ended up meeting my late husband there. After about 2 years together we moved out to Seattle and I worked as an assistant manager/baker/barista/all around whatever in a great cafe that was run by a non-profit until they closed to help put Richard (late husband) through college, which he dropped out of. Ended up marrying him 5/18/08 and getting a job at www.collinswoerman.com which is an amazing architectural/interior design/planning firm. Basically around 9/09 the crap the two of us had been circling around in our relationship for the past 6 years blew up in our faces and I ended up getting together with Paul and Richard ended up committing suicide.

You know - regardless of how I put it or say it or write it, there's no good way to say it. It sucked, but it's over and I'm living my life now in a way I have never before. I'm not callous, but I'm also realistic and daily - momentarily - faced with the option of being happy or not being happy. I guess I chose to pick being happy (as well as I can). Some days it's easier than others, but most days it comes naturally.

Why I started this: I want to chronicle my journey towards, as corny as this sounds, the me I want to be. For the last 6 years or so I've been lethargic, depressed, sedentary, and generally glued to my couch and the TV. I wasn't happy with the way I looked or the way I acted or the way I communicated, or the way I did things. Last July I decided to change. At 243.5 lbs and 5'7 3/4" I was severely overweight. That was my first target of attack. I want to be around 165-167. Works with my frame and is a realistic goal, blah blah blah. I've dropped roughly 35 lbs since and am sitting around 208 right now. I tracked every bite of food and every exercise for the past 6 months or so, but am at the point right now where I just want to live my life and have the weight loss happen as a byproduct of being the active person I've become. I also want to try out cyclocross this fall (target is labor day) so I'm kind of going to use this as a tracking source for that as well. I've also undergone MAJOR ....revelations? I guess would be the right word, in my mental and emotional state and how I think about myself and how I feel towards others, me, life in general, so would like to work through those too. Maybe this will be a quick easy way for others in my life to keep up with what's happening too, as right now I'm really busy with living and don't have much time to talk to all those who I want to.

As for what I do "training" wise, generally I try to lift weights 2 times a week for at least an hour at the gym over lunch. Do at least 30 minutes of running twice a week, I bike commute 13 miles a day to work everyday that isn't icy or snowy. I try to do a hills route to muscle failure once a week, I dance for at least 2 hours at least one day a week and I'm working towards 100 miles on my bike, or a century. I do a long ride once a week when life or sickness don't get in the way.

This week's been kinda off as last weekend Paul and I took a train to Portland (which is an AMAZING way to travel, by the way). I ate what I wanted and drank 5 beers on Saturday, which is unusual for me in the extreme. But it was my first time going to a strip joint and it was definitely an experience. I had a good time, but it's not really my thing. Although, one of the strippers had a nipple piercing that look really awesome, so I went out and got one on Sunday. Monday I came back, rode 6.5 miles in headwind which sucked, and slept most of the day decompressing as Paul's friend we stayed with was a little exhausting.

Tuesday I didn't bike in to work, biked at the gym for an hour, ate around 2000? cal, danced blues for 3 hours or so hanging out with my friend Andrew and promptly crashed into bed when I got home at around 1:30ish.

Wednesday I didn't bike in (I wanted to leave the mess bag at home and try panniers instead due to the piercing, but didn't get the chance to set up the bike because of the late dancing on Tuesday). Ate like 2300 cal - totally imbalanced and felt really crappy at night, so crashed after spending some time with Paul at 8:30ish

I guess that brings us to today. Bike commute to work + going out to 80th and back twice = 17 miles (ish, I need to get an odometer). I ran for 40 minutes and did an hour of weight lifting (lower back, abdomen, and a bit of arms today) I had around 2070 cals. I would have been better if I cut out the muffin.

Like I said, this week's kinda off, but I have a feeling if I focus on the crap that's been swirling around incessantly in my brain I might be able to regain my focus. I'm kind of going nuts because I want to talk to someone about all that's going on in my silly brain, but no one seems like the right candidate. Which always tends to drive me a little crazy because my first inclination is to distract myself, but I know that never solves anything and just ends up with this distracted restlessness that eats into my goals. It doesn't solve the problem, usually makes it worse and makes me cranky in the meantime.

It's this whole realization of negative habits I've created in the past and realizing how ineffective they are but not knowing how else to proceed that is stumping me a bit. Besides the fact that I don't get a whole lot of time to decompress and chill between working out and a job and you know that silly thing sleep that I keep putting figuring this shit out.

Everything takes courage and sometimes I'm not sure I have the gumption to power through the really icky part. Right now I'm feeling very unpowering throughness welling up inside, shrinking me back from ideas and thoughts. It's the same broken cycle that brought me down when I was with Rich. It's a lot better because several elements are different - I realize I'm doing I'm doing this, I'm kinder with myself - more accepting - etc... I have a really great positive environment around me with people who love me (or at least have a great time with me and make me happy) Plus, I really am trying to work through it and I'm not just distracting myself. I know where some of the root problems are and I'm poking at them a bit. They're just biting back. They don't like to be poked all that much.

:) I really wouldn't be me if I didn't poke the deep dark things, though. I like probing past where it's comfy and examining the real reasons I do and think (and other people do and think) they way I/we do. It's just easier to do with others, harder to do with myself. Because I don't have to live inside other people's heads, as infinitely interesting as I would find that.

So fun dancing tomorrow is on the agenda. I might go to a coffee shop and try to line my thoughts up a bit on these mind squigglies and get them straightened out so I can focus a little more.

...."It never gets easier, you just go faster."