Thursday, August 27, 2009


I was having a mental gnashing of neurons on monday and tuesday, and then thought I had it all figured out. I was feeling a nebulous angst/frustration over the last week or so, and there was no describable point at which I could point my finger and say "THERE! That's the culprit of my ickyness!". I got so unhappy with my unhappieness, searching for answers to questions I couldn't even articulate, that I typed in "I need answers" into Google's search engine.

I don't recommend that. It doesn't divine your real question and supply you with the answer. Stupid Internet.

So I, in my infinate Amanda-ness, started listing all the things I might be unhappy about....and I came to the conclusion I'm dissatisfied with my inability to follow through like I would like with my goals (weight loss, saving for Eurotrip, etc...) I was making decisions that I knew were not the best ones. So what did I do? Created more lists.

I've been aware I'm a list-maker in my most trying emotional times. Can't decide who to live with when my parents divorce? Make a list of the pros and cons. Can't decide what to wear in high school? Make a list of every conceivable outfit with all the possible combinations of the articles of clothing I had (Yes. I did that.) Can't feel like I can get through the day after Rich died? Make a list of the items to do that day..... And every single one of those lists helped me get through my emotional crap. Why? I could probably psycho-analyze everything, but really I don't care. They help.

When I originally started to lose weight, my tracking system was insane. I had time tables and check boxes and calories expended and calories ingested (broken down by sub category). Everything was color coded. Sometimes double color coded. And I lost a lot of weight. I lost about 43 lbs. I've gained ten back since being sick, so I'm sitting at 210.5 right now.

Up until Tuesday, however, I didn't realize that my brain functions super well with concrete little pieces with timelines and checkboxes and lists, and sub lists, and sub-sub-sub points. They make me happy. This list-making anal-retentive super discrete concrete item awareness is the source of my willpower and drive. Who knew? I was proud that I've figured out an essential feature to how my brain works, and how I can get back on track (I've lost 2.5 lbs since last week, so far so good).

But, I'm obviously not done figuring this emotional quagmire I'm stuck in right now, though. I'm not feeling really well right now, but I'm not sure if that's the fact I stayed out until midnight last night chatting with a friend, or the fact that I've had absolutely no appetite and have reverted to fail-safe foods. Foods I can eat when I don't want to eat. Like frozen yogurt. And potstickers. And Salad. Anyway, something in my emotional imbroglio is perturbed.

I hate my stupid brain.

On the up side, I went out and bought two cute dresses (Size 14!!!! I haven't been that small in a few years) on my lunch break and I look hot in them. It was nice to try on things in smaller sizes, look at myself in the mirror and go - "I look good. I like that." There were 4 I liked, but two of them I didn't want to pay as much as they wanted for them.

Again, no shoes that fit/look good. Silly Monster Feet.

By the way, these coats are awesome. I want one, or two, or four.

1 comment:

  1. I think you need to give yourself a pass on getting derailed from your weight loss goal. Illness can always trump willpower.