Thank God for Bunnie, a friend. She's been through much worse medical stuff than I have and has encyclopedic knowledge about how to work through some of the side effects of drugs. She showed me a wonderful strategy to work through overwhelming feelings of fear and/or panic that are based in unbalanced chemical chaos from SSRIs. I highly recommend it to anyone who is going through depression or panic that's chemically based.
The process is as follows as an example - write it down, and allow yourself to write anything and everything that comes to mind. The more the better!
There's an irrational "flight or fight" lizard brain bombarding thought that's terrifying:
1. FEAR:
ex. I'm irrationally afraid my weight will balloon out of control and the result will be that I will be fat and ugly. (Some parts real. Some parts irrational)
Transfer that irrational fear into more of a concern and move it into the "adult brain" and reduce the spiking panic, translate what ACTION you'll take....
2. ACTION (or why that will not happen, or look at the likelihood that it will happen)
2a. I've gained some weight back, but not all of it. Over the course of a year I've lost around 30 lbs. That's still great progress.
2b. I've cultivated healthy habits: I bike, I hike, I don't eat crap dinner food anymore, I eat breakfast, I've not drank diet coke or soda (maybe 2 reg. sodas) in two weeks. I don't overeat. I don't binge.
2c. I'm taking an active role in reducing the weight gain that has happened. I've read a really informative book that gives me hope that the I've discovered the underlying problem in my health. This isn't a diet per se, but rather information on how to be more in harmony with my body's rhythms. Following a few simple rules (along with healthy eating and exercise) will allow my body to optimize how it uses food as fuel instead of hoarding it in my tummy and butt, increasing adrenaline resistance, and prompting hypothyroid issues. I'm doing research and figuring out the pitfalls that could trip me up so I can avoid them. I have a specific timeline for a goal and if progress isn't made (and I'm following the basics) I can investigate other tactics.
2d. A friend of mine is offering that I can be her "trial Pilate's client". She's studying for her certification and I'm going to get to do Pilate's for the first time :) That will help.
The next step is
3. WORSE CASE SCENARIO - What is the WORST thing that could happen/that I'm worried about and can I handle it??
The worst thing is that I don't lose any weight, and I'm ugly and unattractive.
3a. I can be attractive/pretty while still being not thin
3a1.There are aspects of my body that are pretty/attractive that don't have anything to do with my weight. - I have pretty eyes, I like my toes, I have a nice face shape.
3a2. There are aspects of my personality that are attractive that doesn't have anything to do with my weight. - I was told I have wit. I'm very loving, I care very much for my friends. Just yesterday I was told people appreciate my levelheadedness and my ability to see both sides of the equation is very refreshing and a positive attribute. I'm a good listener. I do things for people I love.
3a3. Ugly is mostly on the inside. Being who I am is attractive and pretty in it's own right.
4 CAN I HANDLE IT?
4a. I've never been really thin my entire life, so I've handled it pretty well since I hit puberty, I think I can handle it if I don't lose anymore weight.
4b. Besides the CCS, I'm fit as a fiddle, it doesn't seem as though my health is in terrible jeopardy at the moment, or in the near future. If this goes on for decades, there could be associated difficulties (abdominal fat is the leading cause of heart disease and cancer in some areas). That could be mitigated with regular checkups and my continued healthy eating/exercise. This would affect my ability to bike/hike/move as there's stuff in the way. But that hasn't stopped me from enjoying those activities currently, so I don't see why it would in the future.
4c. I'm secure with who I am and won't let how I *think* others view me dictate how I am emotionally or mentally.
4d. Some people won't want to befriend me because I'm not super fit. These people won't associate or include me in their lives. ....If these people can't see the beautiful person I am, they don't deserve to have the benefit of me being their friend. They are too shallow and superficial for me to actually relate to on a deep level anyway, and thus this isn't a negative.
At the end, the crazy irrational fears have been thought through, action plans have been made if attention needs to be paid to certain areas. Calm is, for the most part, restored. It's a fantastic strategy, a kind of therapy if you don't have anyone to talk to, or if what you think is going on inside your head is so crazy you can't tell anyone.
You are such a wise and beautiful person!! I do feel the need to emphasize part of your blog though, just because it needs it: "....If these people can't see the beautiful person I am, they DON'T DESERVE to have the benefit of me being their friend. They are too shallow and superficial for me to actually relate to on a deep level anyway, and thus this isn't a negative." AMEN!! You GO Girl!!
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