Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." ~David Carradine

I am hereby solidifying in this past week, the poem of I am. Gathering round and rallying my courage, shoring up those weak walls with the cracks of insecurity in them and planting my feet in the soil of my soul.

 "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown.  I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake.  The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen.  Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues.  I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.

It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes.  My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress.  And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up.  Conquer them.  See them for what they are and unravel them.  Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me.  Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking. 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.
People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.
Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.
People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.
How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?
Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.
But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.
You feel your strength in the experience of pain.
 It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.
Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.
 If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.
You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

So this is me.  Standing up.  Carring around my fear and my pain by my side, admitting their place in my person.  This is who I am.  I am not ashamed of it.  For if you, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison
And above all else right now, it's important for me to be free.  To be as much of the true essence of who I am as possible.  To be comfortable in my own skin.  To be the best version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Because...

"It is better to be hated for what you are
than to be loved for something you are not." 
 ~Andre Gide

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