"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings
And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown. I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake. The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen. Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues. I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.
It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes. My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress. And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up. Conquer them. See them for what they are and unravel them. Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me. Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking.