Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation Artist

I see things like this float around on faceboook:


5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!!!
(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.


And I want to post rants about it.  I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true.  Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another.

It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated.  I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating when you say what you mean, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.

So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above.  Think about what you really mean.  AND THEN SAY IT.

HONEST COMMUNICATION is a RADICAL concept.
Embrace your radical nature.
Communicate

Fibro Hell

Sick.  Not feeling Well.  Under the Weather.   I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'.   Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me.  I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs.  Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. 

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense.  I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over.   My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away.  My knee?  Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix.  Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. 

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up.  It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.


I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

bits of broken thoughts....

~.~
The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

~06.09.11~
My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
spreading,
decaying.
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.

Fork Ring

spiny tines
entertwined
on the finger
that says
Fuck You.

Delve

Waves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.
Sinking in effervescent bubbles
into the darkness that looms from below.
Vast and immense,
fathoms upon fathoms deep.
Then the world shifts
rainbow paths shimmer into view,
woven among the tangled brambles
on the rocky shores below.
Paths winding towards
clearings where aquamarine blues
smooth your way across and down.
The brambles only damaging
when you stray too far.
Winding down deeper,
the shimmering light leads you on.
And the pressure shifts
the farther down you go.
Your body compensates,
evolving it's parameters,
limits expanding.
You grow.

NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. 

So I say

"No!"  

The two year old screams in my head, "NO!"  I don't want to.  You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable.  A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others.  But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage.  She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you.  Please, let me.  Can I help with that?  Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?"  She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way.  She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own.  She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind.  Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience.  Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards.  To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

"Here.
You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".



This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days.  It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating.  I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me.  I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me.  I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival.  Because if she says "No.", no one will love her.  If she says "No", people will think she's mean.  If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead.  Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries.  By saying "No" when I mean it.  And repeating it until necessary.  Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside.  They keep you safe.  Boundaries say - "Here.  Here is where I am.  You are over there - as in not in here.  Me - over here.  You - over there.  THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

 
I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them.  I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes.  To summarize my mini-rant -

• If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
• Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
• Boundaries are extremely important.
• Consistency and Honesty are the key

Twisted Tangles

Twisted barbs of past memories
slash through me.
I am bruised and bleeding,
bound and tangled
by the weight
of my misguided feelings of responsibility.
Guilt ridden sobs choke me -
I'm lost in the deep dark waters of self-loathing.
The waters run deep and run so cold.
Swirling the pieces of my broken thoughts
until they impaling my mind
with thier jagged glass edges
slashing through the trembling beams
of my self-esteem.
Until it all falls down.
~.~

I harbor within my memory
a refugee.
Displaced and in pain,
Her home burned,
her future uncertain,
her loved ones destroyed.
She's foreign to me now,
from places and times
that're now hard to recognize.
I provide her a solitary haven,
a refuge for her to heal her pain.
But she holds it too close for her to let go.
She guards it with tightened fists
and angry determination.
She clings to it with a desperate need.
Because it fills her up.
It makes her whole.
I let her give it up -
bit by painful bit.
One sob at a time.
There is no rush -
She can hold onto her grief
her sorrow,
for as long as she wants.
No one's going to take it away.
That's not what makes a home.
It's not a place of sorrow.
It has the potential to be a place of safety.