Thursday, July 23, 2009

What we don't want to hear

A very close friend of Paul's committed suicide last year yesterday.


I didn't know you and I never met you. But I dreamed of you and you said you were doing fine and I belive you. Words repeated over and again as long as humanity exists get recycled when someone we love leaves us. I didn't know you, but I love you too. I love the memories that people I love share with me of you. And I hope you're still happy and at peace.

There are too many things no one likes to hear or say. Mainly things that are painful or things that remind them how powerless they are.

The last week and a half has been like that for me. The lexapro has reduced my joint and muscle pain from an 8-10 on a daily basis to a 3-4. However, going on the 20 mg on the 13th was a mistake. There was no marketed improvement and vast problems that arose. Depression has increased exponentially, and I was very sick Monday and Tuesday of this week. I think it's from a hamburger that wasn't properly cooked. Paul thinks it's from the three beers I had. It could be a combination of the two. Regardless, nausea, headaches, and feverishness have returned and my joint pain has increased from a 3 avg. to a 5 avg.

On a good note, I have people who love me and when I have the energy, fun things to do. My job is wearing me down with the slowness of it all, but it'll pass. I've also drastically cut back on the diet coke, which has been a ongoing mild attempt through my life. It could also be contributing to this general ickiness. Nothing is affecting me like it used to. All my emperical evidence is now faulty since the current situation is so different.

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