Health Update: Fibromyalgia

As a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:

Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.

My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms.

This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.

I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period.
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks.

Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward.

In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health.  And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.

I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better. 

Thank you all so much,

Amanda


This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness: http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079

Fibro Hell

Sick.  Not feeling Well.  Under the Weather.   I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'.   Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me.  I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs.  Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. 

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense.  I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over.   My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away.  My knee?  Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix.  Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. 

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up.  It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.


I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

Self-insight in a REALLY long post.

I grew up really quickly in some ways and have been frequently pegged as being wise beyond my years, or extremely mature. In other ways, though I'm VERY much let the child in the back seat of my brain drive. I've been going through an ongoing lesson about something these last few months, but it came to a head on Friday and I'm struggling with my first concious baby steps today.

You MUST do what you need to do,

ESPECIALLY when you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do it.

Frankly this seems reasonable, logical, and a given - common sense. And for most things that I jsut don't like doing, it doesn't really apply. I can do things I'm not excited about, things I don't care about, or things that are painful, but short lived without too much hemming and hawing. But I have a few things I REALLY REALLY don't want to do or don't like to do or just have an evil aversion to. This main issue recently is getting back on track with my health goals. In this case, the small child living in my brain (don't worry - she's fictionary and doesn't take up too much space) screams at me:

"NO! NO! NO!

I don't WANT TO!

It's not FAIR! It's HAAAAAARD. And I don't want to!

I was going to be all grown up and I could do WHATEVER I wanted

and I wouldn't HAVE to do things I didn't want to do.

That's the only GOOD thing about being a stuipd adult."

I want to be healthy and happy and keep up with my friends during activities. I want desperately to fit into all these pretty clothes that don't fit right now. But I'm feeling this powerful draining aversion to getting started again.

Besides just being a pain in the ass and whining, my child brain whines: Changing my habits are SOoooooo hard. It takes Sooooooo much energy. It CONSUMES all my time and there are SO many things I'd rather do (and eat!). It'll take forever to reach my healthy goal. Not forever, but at least 6 months of intense, life consuming working out and tracking and obsessive counting of calories. I was THERE before. I know how much it takes to get there and stay there and that was when I was excited about it. I'm not now.

But I know it's worth it. For So Very Many Reasons.

Clothes: they have their own section:

1. To fit into all the beautiful clothes I so desperatly want to fit into. And to buy clothes I want to buy instead of being regulated to a small subset of clothes I ONLY fit into.
2. I can buy cute tights (and knee high socks) and not have to worry they'll be too small
3. Right now I can't buy most calf / thigh boots because I have large legs.
4. Garter belts. Garter belts. And then some more.
5. Regular belts will FIT, as of right now my waist is too large for most "normal" belts
6. Pretty sexy under garments - nuff said. Every girl wants them, every guy likes them. They look better on smaller girls.

The rest of the Reasons - the important ones:

1. I won't feel like when my friends make comments of larger people they apply to me. That hurts. It's not something people think of, but it's true. You dislike someone and list their flub/overweight as part of that reason - I weight just as much or more - you're commenting on me too whether or not you want to be, you are.
2. I'll take better pictures for my blog.
3. Less aches - it hurts the knees and back to carry around these extra lbs.
4. To be as attractive on the outside as I feel on the inside.
5. To increase my self-confidence.
6. Simple, stupid, but important-to-me reasons, crossing legs will be easier, I could sit in smaller areas (like the bus and cars) without feeling squished, airplane seas will be ~sort of~ more comfy (they're never REALLY comfortable)
7. To be able to keep up with my friends, or give them a run for their money when we go out together. I'd like to be the one that wears out the last instead of the one that wears out the first.
8. To increase the chances of being healthy enough to have the fibromayalgia suddenly dissapear. Then I can get off the medication. It's a shot in the dark, but the fibromayalgia occurence was from out of the dark as well.

I know the little girl complaining stems from simplistic, base fears. I'm afraid of failing. I know it's MORE of a failure if I don't do anything at all (and ignore it) - but I'm vastly more afraid of trying and failing than I am of not doing it all. And what if I go through all that hard work and end up back where I started? What if I start and it's hard/difficult/painful and I don't possess the strength of will to carry through with it? What will that say about my character? That is what's bothering me most about all of this. What does it say about my character that I continually have problems following through to the end with this? Where is my stamina and my strength of will to do what I need to do when I REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. I'm letting my fear stand in the way of me being who I want to be. And that's not like me.

So I'm starting over - againagainagainagain, even though I said was starting "again" in this post. I sounded very gung-ho there. Really excited. Super into it. Problem was I got myself psyched up and was relying on my enthusiasm and my "stoked about it" feelings to keep me going. When that ran out (pretty quickly) I had no backbone of structure for myself to rely on. My attention wavered. I got interested in fashion, I started making jewelery, I started making some clothing pieces, sewing by hand. All of these I started to get SUPER exctied about. And like a child, where I saw shiny pretty I ran off to and left my obligations behind. And at this point I have an obligation to meet my goals set oh-so-long ago to be healthy and achieve my target weight. An obligation to myself, to those around me who love me (if I'm healthy it'll be more time they can spend with me later on and I'm happier when I'm healthy).

So I'm going to do these things that I'm afraid to do. I'm going to give myself reasons why I can instead of reasons why I can't. I want qualities like determination and bulldog tenacity to something I want (even if I'm afraid of what it might take to get there). So I'm going to act as if I already have them. Because I know even though I don't have the enthusiasm *now* I will in a while (not a day or two, but a month or so). Because after I start doing it, the motivation will come naturally. Milton Garland: "My advice is to go into something and stay with it until you like it. You can't like it until you obtain expertise in that work. And once you are an expert, it's a pleasure." Not like I'm expecting to become an expert, but good enough to know a thing or two. Besides, "That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember." Thomas Fuller.

Basically, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be proud of the strength of will and power I posses not only mentally, but eventually strength and power physically as well. And some sexieness to boot. 'Cause that never hurts.

So....to the gym tonight. My plan is still to do something along the lines of a sprint triathalon, although the one in july I was planning for is all sold out. So a revamping of short term-mid term- and long term goals is required.

You know - this really isn't all that bad though, going through this back and forth IF I really learn the lesson this time. It takes some people a LONG time to learn simple lessons like this one. That's what life is. So all I need to do to make ALL this time "wasted" actually worth it is to take to heart that:

I MUST Do What I Need To Do....

ESPECIALLY When I Really REALLY Really Don't Want To Do It.

Gloomy Days

So Fall is here. And that means chilly weather (not too terrible) little sunshine and rain. Which makes me sad. I LOVE Fall, but the lack of sunlight has made me kind of gloomy.

I had a fairly ok weekend. I got a couple of nifty shoes for super cheap. I'll post pictures later. I felt very cosmopolitan for some reason. I don't know if it was getting out of the beautifully Fall laden city to go up along the water with amazing views to this tiny little tavern to drink great beer and listen to good music, or how my pretty strappy leather looking black shoes made me feel walking around, or the insane amount of coffee I drank and unconsciously rated each drink as to the flavor, smoothness, and coloration of the espresso. A few friends and I drove up to"> Bellingham, WA and saw Ellis, who was the most absolutely perfectly gorgeous androgynous women I've ever saw. Ah! So many pretty dyke girls there! There were two beautiful singers before her - Chuck E Costa and Mia Bloomfield. Beautiful cellist (Mia) and Chuck had a great voice. Had one of the all time best beers I've ever had - Ten Fidy. I'm in love. It's too bad I'm not sure if I'll ever find it again since it's a seasonal beer. I contacted the brewery and hopefully they sell it somewhere around here.

It's very frustrating on the weight loss front. I've been doing good on my eating habits and mediocre/blah on my exercise regimen. After a week of being very good I lost no weight, but gained some instead and have been fluctuating up and down between the extra two pound gain with 1/2 a lb. weight loss with no real sense of why. So...that's that.

Who Knew?

Today is a *sigh* day.

I was warm and cuddly and supremely happy this morning until alarms started going off...I turned my alarm off on the first buzz. There's something about the love of your life swarthed in warm blankets, soft and cuddly beside you and you're dreaming peacefully, sleeping well, happily drifting off into the land of Nod. It was a Herculean effort this morning to leave that nest of sublime. I frequently came back to it after dressing, getting my bag together, and then again and again. It's a crime to take someone away from that. Shame on the world for making me wake up.

I'm learning more AutoCAD tasks at work right now (the drafting program architects use). It is probably THE most difficult program I've ever encountered. Non intuitive. I'm happy to be doing things that have a direct impact on the building when it gets built, but doing these tasks are super time consuming and invariably it makes my brain violently overfried. hehehehe...I got to change the colors of numbers that might be used quite a bit on all of our drawings. I got to pick a color for the mandatory things...and guess what?? It was red :)

On the bright side, we're going to the OPERA! tonight - which makes me SUPER happy!!!!!!!! My 3rd one. Only problem is that I didn't ride in because, well, we're going to the opera and Paul isn't riding back because his headlight's in the shop. So I've bussed in to work and will bus home afterwards with him. We're getting back late too, so I can't work out at all today. Which, ironically enough, really is bugging me. Where is my outlet????!!??? 5 days of doing something consistently and I'm having withdrawals in less than 12 hours. Phghlskfjdffftt.

Beginning....Again.

So with the new gym membership, my CCS finally getting under control, me not being sick, and feeling like life isn't throwing any super severe curve balls at me, I'm getting back on track to losing the rest of the weight.

So far, so good. I've been going to the gym and eating healthy the last 5 days or so. Part of what has made me be very focused has been the frequency in which I focus on what is good and what I'm looking forward to in regards to losing the weight. So if you're paying attention, you're going to hear A LOT about that.


In order to plan accordingly I want to have some major goals and reasons for losing the weight.

Number Goals
1. 50 lbs to lose
2. 15% body fat to lose
3. 33 weeks as a timeline goal (June 4th, 2010)
4. Have perfect beautiful posture. (I hate to admit this. My mother was right. My posture sucks.)

For the tangible goal - I believe I can honestly say "YES! There is nothing left but gnar. I AM IN SHAPE." when I do an IronMan. That would be a massive accomplishment - I would have to be insanely fit in order to complete it. A Swim of 2.4 miles, 112 miles on the bike, and a marathon run (26 miles 385 yards). It's well rounded and something I'm going to do.

I'm not insane. Baby steps are the way to go. So my first baby step will be a "Sprint Triathalon" in July of 2010 which is a 1/3 mile swim,12.0 mile bike, and 3 mile run. Completely doable. So stay tuned for the reasons why reaching my target goal is going to rock, the reasons I'm looking forward to losing weight, and the progress along the way.

YAY!!!!!

YAY!!! I have a gym membership again! At Olympic Athletic Club. With two Jacuzzis, a sauna and a steam room and I'm happy happy happy. Yay!

Going...Going....

So I'm heading out bright and early tomorrow morning to fly down to California (Sonoma County) to visit Paul's Mom. Very excited. I'm looking forward to sunshine and hammock and animals. Hammock is a funny word. Oh, and not being at work. That makes me happy too. Although work's been better lately. More communication, less angry bitchy people snarking at me.

I could go into detail about how I've been doing this week, but I'm tired. That's mainly what I've been doing. Monday friends came over, we went out and drank beer and ate burgers... then stayed up WAY too late. Although mostly Shana's napagens seeped into the couch, spreading, making the gravity well deeper and deeper..... So for about an hour we all just crashed, talking.... It was nice to see my couch loved, so I took pictures. Shana's in the middle.

I crashed out on Tuesday for an hour and a half then couldn't get to sleep again until 3 in the morning. Went out again on Wednesday for more people socializing and coffee and beer and couldn't sleep at all Wednesday night. I ended up in an insomnia-tic stupor, felt like absolute crap on Thursday, calling in sick and sleeping all day/waking up for a few hours to make cookies/then sleeping again. I'm feeling a little achy and groggy and general CCS hints, but that's understandable since I had such a f'd up sleep schedule all week. I feel like this week just disappeared. Too much to do, too little sleep, then too much sleep really messes with me. So if I'm anti-social and grumpy at times....forgive me.

Anyway, there's been the amazing amounts of wonderful socializing with friends and that's made me very happy. On the search now for more to share in the wealth. Currently, though, I need a break. I'll be really happy to go see Paul's Mom and chill for a bit. Not have to be anywhere or do anything but enjoy a state I've never been in. That's right. I've never been to California. I'm rectifying it within 24 hours, for serious, so lay off :)

I like Paul's mom. She's very unique, strong, and honest. So many qualities Paul has I see in her. I'll enjoy spending a weekend with her....so if you don't hear from me until next Thursday....that's why! We're getting back on Tuesday, but Wednesday is Paul and I's anniversary. One year. I'm very happy. He really is the most wonderful guy - beautiful for me.

Fun with the Blues

So this weekend was fun. There was lots of cancelling and changing of plans, but that's the way I operate. I change my mind constantly, but I do that because I want to do things that make me happy. And what makes me happy changes ... well ... minute to minute :)

Anyway, the end result is that Shana and I went blues dancing Friday night at Little Red Studio. Which was an awesome space. I just found out they have an open poetry mic night on Sunday evenings and in a couple of weekends I want to go.

I remember how much I love blues dancing. It's fun and it's very cathartic. Lots of touching and booty shaking makes me happy.Getting to touch/be touched by a lot of different people in a fun safe contex is great. You don't even really have to talk to them :) Although there are people I've grown to enjoy being around. It's active and releasing and just plain relaxing, even though you sweat like crazy and my back and thighs feel the burn the next day.

I've been itching for some free time by myself though, and was happy to have some on Sunday. I'm reading A Room of One's Own by Virgina Woolf and really enjoying it. It appeals to both my feminist and writer sides.

Saturnine

I was having a mental gnashing of neurons on monday and tuesday, and then thought I had it all figured out. I was feeling a nebulous angst/frustration over the last week or so, and there was no describable point at which I could point my finger and say "THERE! That's the culprit of my ickyness!". I got so unhappy with my unhappieness, searching for answers to questions I couldn't even articulate, that I typed in "I need answers" into Google's search engine.

I don't recommend that. It doesn't divine your real question and supply you with the answer. Stupid Internet.

So I, in my infinate Amanda-ness, started listing all the things I might be unhappy about....and I came to the conclusion I'm dissatisfied with my inability to follow through like I would like with my goals (weight loss, saving for Eurotrip, etc...) I was making decisions that I knew were not the best ones. So what did I do? Created more lists.

I've been aware I'm a list-maker in my most trying emotional times. Can't decide who to live with when my parents divorce? Make a list of the pros and cons. Can't decide what to wear in high school? Make a list of every conceivable outfit with all the possible combinations of the articles of clothing I had (Yes. I did that.) Can't feel like I can get through the day after Rich died? Make a list of the items to do that day..... And every single one of those lists helped me get through my emotional crap. Why? I could probably psycho-analyze everything, but really I don't care. They help.

When I originally started to lose weight, my tracking system was insane. I had time tables and check boxes and calories expended and calories ingested (broken down by sub category). Everything was color coded. Sometimes double color coded. And I lost a lot of weight. I lost about 43 lbs. I've gained ten back since being sick, so I'm sitting at 210.5 right now.

Up until Tuesday, however, I didn't realize that my brain functions super well with concrete little pieces with timelines and checkboxes and lists, and sub lists, and sub-sub-sub points. They make me happy. This list-making anal-retentive super discrete concrete item awareness is the source of my willpower and drive. Who knew? I was proud that I've figured out an essential feature to how my brain works, and how I can get back on track (I've lost 2.5 lbs since last week, so far so good).

But, I'm obviously not done figuring this emotional quagmire I'm stuck in right now, though. I'm not feeling really well right now, but I'm not sure if that's the fact I stayed out until midnight last night chatting with a friend, or the fact that I've had absolutely no appetite and have reverted to fail-safe foods. Foods I can eat when I don't want to eat. Like frozen yogurt. And potstickers. And Salad. Anyway, something in my emotional imbroglio is perturbed.

I hate my stupid brain.

On the up side, I went out and bought two cute dresses (Size 14!!!! I haven't been that small in a few years) on my lunch break and I look hot in them. It was nice to try on things in smaller sizes, look at myself in the mirror and go - "I look good. I like that." There were 4 I liked, but two of them I didn't want to pay as much as they wanted for them.

Again, no shoes that fit/look good. Silly Monster Feet.

By the way, these coats are awesome. I want one, or two, or four.

Kathrine - A Peak - Part 1

Photo Journey of my hike last Sunday with Paul, Andrew, and his girlfriend. This might take a few posts.

Looking up the slippery rock upward trail that was about 1/3 of the journey....

Then there

was these really tall really pretty purple flowers....

And then some up that kept going up up up up up up up

upupuupupupupupupupupupupupupupupupupupup.

I don't like up.

But vistas like this give me inspiration to keep going...... So very beautiful.........

And that was only about 1/2 way up on the trail...

There will be more tomorrow.... Part Duex. But here's a picture of me and my new haircut, to tide you over. :)

Busy Weekend!

Doing really well! So freaking busy this weekend though that I was looking forward to going back to work so I could relax a bit. Friday was writing/hanging out with Shana and Nick at a coffee shop. Was able to drink some hard cider without ill effects the next day. Saturday we all went out to see District 9, which was really violent, but I liked it. Then we went to Owl N' Thistle, which was a great Irish bar downtown and then went back to my neighbors to watch some Six Feet Under and hang out. I went home and crashed. Sunday we got up early, biked downtown for crumpets at Pike's Market with a bunch of friends and the went on a hike on Kathrine, which was beautiful (I'll post pictures I took from there later), came home and did grocery shopping. Whew!

Good thing was that the hike didn't totally wipe me out. I'm sore today, but not CCS sore or can't-stand-up-because-it-hurts sore. Just warm muscle sore. I biked in this morning and did my commute in 32 min, which is great timing ~5 min more than my best time. I felt GOOD this morning too!!

A lot of this is about a week of following some simple rules outlined in Mastering Leptin, a book someone recommended to me. It outlines a hormonal resistance that is self-perpetuating that leads to being perpetually overweight, hypothyroidism, fibermyalgia, and sinus problems (Hello. That's me.) It's pretty basic stuff, but there's a few differences from anything else I've read. And most of it centers around timing.

So I've followed the basics, (for the most part). I'm learning what triggers my fatigue and feelings of CCS. Sugar (in all forms, but especially in candy, crap, high fructose corn syrup, and stuff like that) and simple carbs (like bread, french fries, popcorn, etc...) really makes me crash and robs me of energy. Things like bran don't effect me so much. A lot of this has to do with glucose levels. I haven't had any soda or diet soda or most anything with sugar in it. My diet's been mainly vegetables, protein and a little complex carbs. Trying to get only three meals a day in to allow the maximum amount of time for my body to create a rhythm for maximum fat burning. Plus, I try not to eat right before I go to bed - to allow 3 hours before I go to sleep. This scheduling thing has been the most difficult. My life and/or activity and/or energy levels don't allow me to always do that, but I'm working towards it. Plus, I've been doing tons more exersize than I used to. Anyway I've lost a couple pounds recently, but really been doing SO much better energy wise. Yay for me!

Oh and related to this is is a scary - just plain scary story.

Good Strategy - a little personal, but really valuable

Thank God for Bunnie, a friend. She's been through much worse medical stuff than I have and has encyclopedic knowledge about how to work through some of the side effects of drugs. She showed me a wonderful strategy to work through overwhelming feelings of fear and/or panic that are based in unbalanced chemical chaos from SSRIs. I highly recommend it to anyone who is going through depression or panic that's chemically based.

The process is as follows as an example - write it down, and allow yourself to write anything and everything that comes to mind. The more the better!

There's an irrational "flight or fight" lizard brain bombarding thought that's terrifying:
1. FEAR:
ex. I'm irrationally afraid my weight will balloon out of control and the result will be that I will be fat and ugly. (Some parts real. Some parts irrational)

Transfer that irrational fear into more of a concern and move it into the "adult brain" and reduce the spiking panic, translate what ACTION you'll take....

2. ACTION (or why that will not happen, or look at the likelihood that it will happen)

2a. I've gained some weight back, but not all of it. Over the course of a year I've lost around 30 lbs. That's still great progress.

2b. I've cultivated healthy habits: I bike, I hike, I don't eat crap dinner food anymore, I eat breakfast, I've not drank diet coke or soda (maybe 2 reg. sodas) in two weeks. I don't overeat. I don't binge.

2c. I'm taking an active role in reducing the weight gain that has happened. I've read a really informative book that gives me hope that the I've discovered the underlying problem in my health. This isn't a diet per se, but rather information on how to be more in harmony with my body's rhythms. Following a few simple rules (along with healthy eating and exercise) will allow my body to optimize how it uses food as fuel instead of hoarding it in my tummy and butt, increasing adrenaline resistance, and prompting hypothyroid issues. I'm doing research and figuring out the pitfalls that could trip me up so I can avoid them. I have a specific timeline for a goal and if progress isn't made (and I'm following the basics) I can investigate other tactics.

2d. A friend of mine is offering that I can be her "trial Pilate's client". She's studying for her certification and I'm going to get to do Pilate's for the first time :) That will help.

The next step is

3. WORSE CASE SCENARIO - What is the WORST thing that could happen/that I'm worried about and can I handle it??

The worst thing is that I don't lose any weight, and I'm ugly and unattractive.

3a. I can be attractive/pretty while still being not thin

3a1.There are aspects of my body that are pretty/attractive that don't have anything to do with my weight. - I have pretty eyes, I like my toes, I have a nice face shape.

3a2. There are aspects of my personality that are attractive that doesn't have anything to do with my weight. - I was told I have wit. I'm very loving, I care very much for my friends. Just yesterday I was told people appreciate my levelheadedness and my ability to see both sides of the equation is very refreshing and a positive attribute. I'm a good listener. I do things for people I love.

3a3. Ugly is mostly on the inside. Being who I am is attractive and pretty in it's own right.

4 CAN I HANDLE IT?

4a. I've never been really thin my entire life, so I've handled it pretty well since I hit puberty, I think I can handle it if I don't lose anymore weight.

4b. Besides the CCS, I'm fit as a fiddle, it doesn't seem as though my health is in terrible jeopardy at the moment, or in the near future. If this goes on for decades, there could be associated difficulties (abdominal fat is the leading cause of heart disease and cancer in some areas). That could be mitigated with regular checkups and my continued healthy eating/exercise. This would affect my ability to bike/hike/move as there's stuff in the way. But that hasn't stopped me from enjoying those activities currently, so I don't see why it would in the future.

4c. I'm secure with who I am and won't let how I *think* others view me dictate how I am emotionally or mentally.

4d. Some people won't want to befriend me because I'm not super fit. These people won't associate or include me in their lives. ....If these people can't see the beautiful person I am, they don't deserve to have the benefit of me being their friend. They are too shallow and superficial for me to actually relate to on a deep level anyway, and thus this isn't a negative.

At the end, the crazy irrational fears have been thought through, action plans have been made if attention needs to be paid to certain areas. Calm is, for the most part, restored. It's a fantastic strategy, a kind of therapy if you don't have anyone to talk to, or if what you think is going on inside your head is so crazy you can't tell anyone.

Focus Amanda....Focus.

So I'm focusing on a couple of things recently.

1. I've not had any diet coke since 8/7/09. I've decided it's formaldahyde. Yes. That's not really true, but the thought of drinking formaldahyde has changed my path for the tea bag or apple juice or mineral water everytime I start heading for that refreashing sizzle pop Ahhhhhhhh.... of opening a diet coke. Don't ask me why now's the time. It just is.

2. Not smoking Cigarettes. This is a big one. I'd rather not burn my money away, but I love my deliciously evil body destroying habit. But I'm going to cut back to three cigarettes a day for the rest of the month and then go cold turkey after that.

3. WRITING! :) That's a happy one. No, I'm not giving it up, I'm increasing it. I'm writing for me, to get better. Yes I am. And I will share frequently. Goal is at least 20 minutes a day every day for a week. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully I'll have a muddy gem to share before the end of the week.

The Most Specialist Pancakes Ever.

I love them.

They save the world.

Wading and waiting

I forgot to take my meds for two days in a row again. I didn't crash/fade/etc... only some minor weird mental states clued me in that I hadn't taken my meds.

However, I had an overwhelmingly clear dream last night. I was in high school in gym class (seems like most depressing dreams start with that sentence.) No one liked me, I was an outcast, ignored for the most part, disapprovingly put down when noticed. Even the gym teacher wouldn't let me play with the other kids, said I wasn't any good and was pathetic at dodge ball or capture the flag, or something similarly mundane. The military guys were better and faster and more agile than I was and he was in contempt of us people who liked to play for fun, and not for keeps.

I knew people casually who weren't pathetic or unloved. Who were liked. They would talk with others about a music festival the school was entering in, about the massive parties that would happen before and after. As I was carrying this black nifty mountain bike through the school on my way out of that "institution" I was passively included in these conversations. I'd tell them I knew they didn't like me, but if they didn't mind, I'd like to go to some of these parties. Such awkward silence emanated from them, their brains scrambling for an excuse or platitude.

Even ostracized and shunned, I was very much at zen like peace. I knew their world, their values, their system wasn't for me. I was sad I wasn't really having fun, that there were people everywhere, but none that really understood me, I simply smiled and told them not to worry, I would be on a bike ride anyway.

I escaped the drudgery of school and my boyfriend - a skinny little boy I didn't really know or even really like, only with him so I wouldn't be alone - by going on bike rides around the town and outlying region. Horribly overweight and unpleasant adults were littered everywhere. Broken down trailers, broken down cars, train cars more rust than metal were stranded on the tracks. The town itself was broken down, struggling, overweight, unhappy, loud with grumblings.

I rode a nifty mountain bike everywhere on the railroad tracks, in the torrential downpours that were apocalyptic in nature, through lush green forests, saw mountains and sunrises that sole my breath away. Each day I went farther and farther away. I knew I couldn't leave yet, I was too young. I was just biding my time until I could. And then I'd never look back.

So I'd take off on my bike, surveying lands that I would eventually slide through, loving them in their majestic beauty, or cities (real cities!) with quirky personalities I'd wander anonymously through. But each night I'd come back to the broken down backwards little town, obsessed with its own importance and the minutia of the inhabitants limited lives. I'd get back in the car that never worked properly to get to school, I'd have my pretend boyfriend, I'd try to convince the gym teacher that having fun was more important than winning, and try to avoid most of my classmates who saw in me something they didn't understand.

Me and Mes Amis

As for me:
Yesterday was kinda icky. Had a bit of a relapse. Might have been from the alcohol (1/4 cup of red wine) and the 41 miles I biked in 3 days - maybe some heat exhaustion from Sunday? But I felt ok Monday so I'm not sure what's the cause. Biking 41 miles in 3 days was something really minor in the "olden" days, but which really worked me out at my current level of fitness. So I slept 13+ hours yesterday afternoon/evening. This morning I was really fuzzy in the brain and a little ill, but most of that's gone away. I'm going to try biking home from work tonight, so we'll see if I bounce back or slide further into icky.

Pour Mes Amis:
The past year I've developed more casual friendships/close acquaintances than I've had in a long time. It's a marvelous extended support system. *as a side note, I LOVE extended support systems and suggest them to anyone who can get them/handle them/maintain them! Growing up with 4 parents and a gazillion family members who actively raised me I obtained far more balanced perspectives on life, was introduced to many ways of thinking, and always could go to someone who loved me. It was fantastic.

Anyway, friends are good, healthy, positive. But they are also relationships that require work. I don't quite remember relationships requiring so much work when I was a kid. Do we all forget about what happens when we're children, or was it really just easier? For me I think they're much more work than an actual relationship with someone you're seeing romantically. They require understanding, time, attention, allowances, and effort. I'm realizing lately that I haven't really worked at cultivating relationships since I was in middle school. Since then, I've had a lot of people I hung out with, activity acquaintances, casual friends, but no one that would really stand up to the test of friendship - that 2 am call for help that might happen once every 2 years.

What follows is basically the criteria I've determined is - for me - the definition of a true friend.

They answer the 2 am call and come riding to your rescue not because it serves their interests, not because it makes them feel good to do so, not because they were up anyway, but because they care about you enough that they'll be there to support you in your time of crisis (regardless of how ridiculous that crisis might seem to them.)

A true friend will "Love and Care about each other to one of the highest degrees." Being there when they need them. Listening to what they have to say because you genuinely want to hear how they are doing, or understand the benefit they get from simply having someone pay attention to them. Listening is very important.

Be within the margin of error. This is the part that typically comes first, but is very crucial. They have to have enough mutual interests that it's easy to do stuff with them on a regular basis. They have to have a similar enough mindset that they're not constantly confused by what comes out of their mouth. They have to be going in a direction in which they can still cultivate that relationship in the future (i.e. one of you can't be a super hippie living going to live in a tree and the other a ruthless financial wheeler and dealer). Your paths have to be close, but the margin can be quite wide if the groundwork and love is there. Again, the margins are WIDE, but you have to occasionally be able to reconnect on footing that is comfortable for both of you.

So these are my criteria. They don't seem ridiculous, I don't feel like what I'm asking is outrageous. This is what I want in a true friend. I've had a couple recently, but making new ones, or finding others, isn't quite what I was expecting - it's puzzling, difficult, lots of effort for a uncertain reciprocation. But then again, when doesn't life throw in new obstacles for you to puzzle over?

Getting Along Fine

So I've been lax about posting, what else is new?

Good things are happening, a lot of change. I'm feeling good on the 10 mg of the SSRI. Considering talking to someone who will change the medication, but it's working so far and as long as I don't drink alcohol, and since things seem to be going well I'd rather not mess with it and go off/on another medication.

I've felt so good that I did a test ride in yesterday to my work and rode into work on my bike today. I'll be riding around 26 miles all told after going to a doc appointment this afternoon then riding home. I was slower (around 45 min commute to work) but not by much. It'll be that way for a while. I'm pretty tired, didn't get a lot of sleep last night - but in a good way. Too much caffeine and fun :)

Things are changing a bit, like I said. I made the decision a week or so ago (and Paul's all in this with me) that's been both amazingly freeing and absolutely exciting. I'm going to work really hard, pay off the rest of the debt that's leftover from being with Rich, save up a bunch of money, and in around 26 months I'm going to quit my job, sell off most of all my stuff, maybe send some important irreplaceable items to mom or dad, and backpack through Europe and Asia until the money runs out. Depending on how things go we'll probably spend a max of two years abroad. We'll have a nest egg for when we return to set up camp and get us through until we reestablish jobs and housing, etc...

Frankly, the decision seems a little much to some, but frankly it's the best thing I can think of doing at this point in my life. It gives me a wonderful goal to work towards, it'll allow me to really focus on a couple of important things 1. paying off debt 2. losing weight 3. going on an amazing experience filled trip where I will amass amazing amounts of material for poetry/books/short stories/etc... and really put life into perspective. Besides, it sounds totally fun. The other option I was tossing around was going back to school and earning my degree. But I'm really not in the mood/up for that right now. Frankly, this is the best time to leave and do this. I have no obligations, I'm young, I'll have the money for it (after saving up like crazy). And really, when posed with the options before me, this one is the absolute best.

So I'm doing well physically, very little pain, only some minor fatigue here and there. I'm re-focusing on losing weight (no need to haul another 40 extra pounds along when I'm trekking across Europe). Today was the start of bike commuting again. We're talking about going on some more hikes and some camping trips. Thinking about joining the Y to get some swimming and weight lifting in. I'm also working on minor things like growing out my hair, brushing back up on my French, possibly learning some German, etc... This decision has really revitalized me. I'm excited and happy and content.

Things are going really well. Went on an impromptu trip to Portland on Friday and Saturday, hanging out with friends, chilling out, and I realized at this point in my life I'm completely content. Like a fat happy cat purring in a permanent sunbeam with a loving person scratching behind my ears. Ahhhhhhhhh..........

What we don't want to hear

A very close friend of Paul's committed suicide last year yesterday.


Meesh,

I didn't know you and I never met you. But I dreamed of you and you said you were doing fine and I belive you. Words repeated over and again as long as humanity exists get recycled when someone we love leaves us. I didn't know you, but I love you too. I love the memories that people I love share with me of you. And I hope you're still happy and at peace.


There are too many things no one likes to hear or say. Mainly things that are painful or things that remind them how powerless they are.


The last week and a half has been like that for me. The lexapro has reduced my joint and muscle pain from an 8-10 on a daily basis to a 3-4. However, going on the 20 mg on the 13th was a mistake. There was no marketed improvement and vast problems that arose. Depression has increased exponentially, and I was very sick Monday and Tuesday of this week. I think it's from a hamburger that wasn't properly cooked. Paul thinks it's from the three beers I had. It could be a combination of the two. Regardless, nausea, headaches, and feverishness have returned and my joint pain has increased from a 3 avg. to a 5 avg.


On a good note, I have people who love me and when I have the energy, fun things to do. My job is wearing me down with the slowness of it all, but it'll pass. I've also drastically cut back on the diet coke, which has been a ongoing mild attempt through my life. It could also be contributing to this general ickiness. Nothing is affecting me like it used to. All my emperical evidence is now faulty since the current situation is so different.

CCS - constantly crappy syndrome

So after a couple more doctor's appointment's Paul and I have appropriately named what I'm going through CCS, for Constantly Crappy Syndrome, since the doctor's don't have a clue as to what to call it. I need a name and it sounds good.


All the test results came back. I don't have an auto-immune disease. The ANA test came back only borderline positive and the lack of inflamatory tissue in my joints is further proof I don't have an auto-immune disease. So that means absolutely no lupus. Yay! I don't have Lyme disease. I don't have Hepatitis C. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. My kidney and liver funtions are great and my thyroid levels are perfect. Iron levels are great, no anemia. I'm (according to the tests) fit as a fiddle. Execpt for that pesky joint pain, fatigue, nausea etc... :)

Paul (of whom I love very much) “found a clue” and I discussed it with my doctor. Apparently serotonin levels have a major impact with fibromyalgia and the lower the serotonin levels the more pain you experience, the more fatigued you are due to lack of “good” sleep, etc… I’ve had these symptoms (in much lower quantities) most of my life which got worse as I got older. Some of these were very prominent right before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but when I went on the anti-depressants (before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism) the symptoms lessened a lot. I would occasionally have joint pain or fatigue, or temperature fluctuations or nausea, but it was rare and mild – usually only after very high stress periods.

Once I went down to a 5 mg dosage preparing to get off the antidepressents, I started feeling the symptoms again. Going off them entirely they came back with a vengeance (thought it was the withdrawal symptoms from the lexapro, but now I’m wondering if it wasn’t the beginnings of CCS). Then there was the period with the birth control and the unregulated thyroid medication, which I attributed the symptoms to the thyroid, but since that’s been ruled out the symptoms have just been getting worse. So the thought was this had everything to do with my low serotonin levels.

After discussing it with my doctor I've gone back on the antidepressants. Really I have nothing to lose at this point. Apparently they change the brain area that's very close to the "pain regulator". The only real idea the doctor came up with is that the area in my brain that senses pain is stuck on 11 on the 1-10 scale. If it works, I'll chose taking a pill for the rest of my life over CCS. I've been on them for four days and the pain is definitly much less - say a 2-4 on a scale of 1-10 where as before I was stuck on 8-10. I'm still having some pain and swelling in my joints, but my energy level has skyrocked and I feel like me again. There's some weird adjustments while my brain restructure (extreme sensitivity to noise/sound, weird spazziness periods, some minor headaches and irritability). They're minor issues and fleeting. Issues don't last for more than an hour or so when they pop up.

I was able to go on a bike ride (up something, not just flat), go out after 8 pm, go out and have a drink, walk around when we went up to Alpental, go on a chill lake stroll, etc... I feel better. Still in the dark as to what's going on, but at least I feel better.

As a side note:
You must read this. There's a reason Fat Cyclist is on my frequently read list. This post is beyond beautiful. Part of the frustration of this crap is the longer it goes on, the more chronic the nature, the more I felt my personality and spark worn away, like chinese water torture to my personality - slow, not really harmful, but it'll get to a point where it'll drive you nuts. To think that people go through so much more pain, debilitating terminal illnesses, that these amazing beautiful people inspire hope within me and touches me.

How my life is.

I went to a new doctor on Wednesday and she seems very good. She was recommended by a friend that has lupus. This friend doesn't give praise lightly and says this doctor ROCKS. So we'll see, but I have a positive feeling about her. She has a lot of passion about joint issues/auto-immune issues, so I’m really positive she’ll get to the bottom of it.


Basically I just did a chest x-ray which turned out great. – nothing wrong. I also did a massive amount of blood draws to test for 12-14 different things. The blood draw itself sucked like usual. Stupid body and veins not wanting to give it up. It was better than the last couple of times (1-3 hour ordeals). This one only took 3 different needle pokes in three places, 30 minutes total and two nurses. LOL - one of them had to do breathing exercises with me because I was on the verge of passing out.


I hate that I have no control over that reaction. I'm a tough broad, I have an extremely high pain threshold and needles don't bother me. But you try and take blood out of me though and my body acts like a wilting flower. Anyway, all this blood is going for a good cause. She's testing for Hepatitis C and Lyme disease to rule them out. They're extremely unlikely (but highly treatable). From the symptoms she said it doesn’t sound like lupus or rheumatoid arthritis, although fibromyalgia is still out there. I will hear back from her about the blood tests on Monday and go from there.


I'm confused at this point - it went from being totally unbearable to getting better. Some of the symptoms are fading, although yesterday was a bitch. I spent most of the day after the doc appointment just trying to not throw up or fall asleep. Went home early and slept from basically 4 pm to 6:30 am the next day, with a couple of nausea filled hours icing my joints in between. It sucked.


Today's been better than it has been in a long time. I'm not in extreme joint pain. Nausea has been reduced too. They're there, but subdued. Like they're sleeping and could wake at any time. But they're not being evil to me, so I'm not poking them. Strange, but hell - I'll take what I can get at this point.


Not much else has been going on. Had some good steaks and great wine with Susan and Paul a couple of days ago and thanks to Susan now really like cooked arugula with bacon (yummy!) and she turned me on to a an Awesome Song. Another one. Paul's mom's coming down in a week or so and I'm totally stoked for that. It'll be really fun to hang out with her and take some time off of work. Hopefully if I still feel good tomorrow I'm going to try to go on a short ride - how I miss my Juliet, my sweet ride :)