Diagnosis

Follow the symptoms
back to the source.
To understand
how to correct
the erred paths
that the body
and mind
have taken.

bits of broken thoughts....

~.~
The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

~06.09.11~
My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
spreading,
decaying.
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.

Fork Ring

spiny tines
entertwined
on the finger
that says
Fuck You.

Delve

Waves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.
Sinking in effervescent bubbles
into the darkness that looms from below.
Vast and immense,
fathoms upon fathoms deep.
Then the world shifts
rainbow paths shimmer into view,
woven among the tangled brambles
on the rocky shores below.
Paths winding towards
clearings where aquamarine blues
smooth your way across and down.
The brambles only damaging
when you stray too far.
Winding down deeper,
the shimmering light leads you on.
And the pressure shifts
the farther down you go.
Your body compensates,
evolving it's parameters,
limits expanding.
You grow.

Inward

Curling around myself,
my limbs fold back on themselves-
reducing the amount I touch the world
the amount the world touches me.
Shoulders upward, inward,
arms folding in like origami
resting in the hollow of my breasts,
a secure nest made by my ribcage.
Hands relaxing in,
holding the reverberations of my heartbeat
against my breastbone.
Head relaxing in the hollow of my shoulder,
negative space taken up with positive.
Eyes closed,
There is safety here.

04.07.11 Connections

Iridescent threads

wrapped and woven around each other

looped about,

impossible to trace back,

twisting in between and

through you -

          and her -

                and him -

                          and me -

                                        and we.

Surrounding us.

It's an intertwined tapestry

of ideas and beliefs...

glowing with the

changing morphing beauty

of each person's hopes and dreams.

Taking the wear and tear  from daily life

distributing it out,

each strand standing strong

because they stand together.

A way to soften the blows

that will always come.

Supporting itself

by the concurrent will and strength -

The wisdom 

inherent in each strand,

each being,

each beautiful unique piece.

A work of art in perpetual motion.

Decided

Resolute.
Determined.
Purpose Chosen.
Follow Through Required.
Unmistakable.
With Integrity
Settled.
Whole.

broken heart strings

Over tensioned strained strings
hopscotch over tangled knots
               that're limp and broken.
A mess - unravelling and fraying.
And the melancholy mourning music
that wafts tones
which ring eerily into the silence
                                        ....fade.....
Struggling to tune
these warped heart strings of mine,
with no ear for the melody
no key to match to...
Tightening, loosening
Stretching, caressing
Sting by string,
bit by bit
hoping the tune
will sing a brighter song
in the days to come.

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/447880/447880,1269266937,2/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg

My Brain Today through Quotations

"It is far more powerful to live your truth than to preach it."

"Nobody said that it'd be easy they just promised it'd be worth it."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." Dr. David M. Burns

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment”

“Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” ~Mary Tyler Moore

“If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage” ~Ashleigh Brilliant

“Learning is like rowing upstream; not to advance is to drop back” Chinese Proverb

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it.” David Starr Jordan


“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” Albert Einstein

Earthy Poem

I've built my foundation

upon the earth of who I am.

The ground is shifting and twisting.

Rumbling with changes that

sound ominous and menacing.

I throw my roots down into

the ground which vibrates with potential energy.

All I can do is hold on.

Growing Through

I'm entering into a unique time in my life. For the first time in my life I'm single. Solitary. Alone. No partners. No sweeties. No metamores. No polycules. By myself in my own apartment with no one else to clutter it up (or clean it up). With no one to coordinate my schedules with (and no one to automatically share awesome events with). It's different. In ways I can't describe. It's beautiful and wonderful. It's also dredging up emotional stuff I thought I was prepared for, but really wasn't. Which sucks.

I see this period as a time of training my emotional and mental 'muscles' to be stronger and more healthy. Like when decide to be healthier and you go to the gym and it kicks your ass and your muscles are sore and sometimes you have to drag yourself out of bed, grumbling and irritated to go to the gym early in the morning before work. That's what I'm doing to my emotional and mental self. To my character. I'm giving it a thorough work out. Sometimes it's awesome to see the progress I've made and sometimes I get tired, and sore, and everything hurts.  But I know it's worth it in the long term. 

Everyone starts thinking about personal goals and long term plans around January 1st. That's not my bag. Everyday is a new start to think about the future and work on things I think will contribute to my personal growth and development. However, it's been a bit since I sat down and MADE A LIST of the things I'm focusing on.  We all know how much I am in love with Lists.  So here goes my

Focus/Goal List.

I am going to be single (no primary partners/sweeties) for an undetermined amount of time. 

 I suspect it will be several months to a year, however. I don't want to specifically put down a time frame, as that seems arbitrary and unrealistic.  I like to be able to adhere to my word (something I need to work on).  But this is a crucial element of the next chapter of my life.  Simply being by myself, doing what I want to do, being who I am free of as much outside influence as possible. 

While I will probably develop strong/close friendships, or possibly engage in flirtatious interactions, I'm not going to engage in dating again until I feel that I've reached a milestone.  I've yet to determine quantifiable, measurable, articulate benchmarks that define that milestone, but that's on another list of things to figure out :)

I am not going to cut my hair until that period is over.

Besides obvious trimmings/minor shaping so it grows out well.  This seems like a weird goal/focus to have.  Symbolically though, this has a lot of meaning.  I've been cutting my hair frequently in the past few months, and every time I do it gets shorter and shorter.  The last time I was an impulse away (several times) from just shaving the whole damn thing off.  .  I wanted to shed myself of a lot of things in my life at that point and for me, what I do to my hair is a representation of my emotions at that time. 

Now, I want to grow, to endure whatever annoyances and hardships await me in order to gain a better understanding of life.  To become enlightened.  By denying myself the ability to cut my hair, I'm also gaining self-discipline.  I hate hair in that mid-stage length - HATE IT. It's annoying, it gets in your way, you can't do jack shit with it, and my hair doesn't grow very fast.  Right now is super short...which means the 'growing out' period will be quite a while - which will be a lengthy period of time that is frustrating and irritating. I see this, however, as a wonderful chance to 'workout' my tolerance/patience. 

I also have a strong desire recently to let my feminine side shine since being single.  All that energy I was putting into my multiple relationships now is pooling within me.  I've got time to expend on myself - lots of it.  An unexpected side effect of that has been a revitalization of my interest in fashion and looking pretty. I want long hair for the first time in my life.  I want to be able to braid it, to let it down, to have it cover me like a blanket, to look soft and pretty.

I am going to focus on taking care of myself.

Basic.  Simple.  But kinda all encompassing.  Really, this is my primary goal right now.  I have started to cut down on things that don't aid in that and want to continue on with that theme.  So the specifics would be:

1. Reducing greatly the amount I drink and smoke, although I still smoke and occasionally drink, I was doing far more of that than was really healthy, so I want to keep it at a light to moderate level. 
2. Getting up early so I can have time to do a morning take care of my body routine instead of doing it whenever I have time/erratically.  This would include things like making a healthier breakfast, listening to NPR, making my lunch for the day, doing the shower/ brush teeth/ wash face/ doing makeup/ doing yoga thing.  I was happy that I got up this morning with enough time to do all of the above in a relaxed pace and still enjoy some time to clean up around the house and do some simple chores.
3. Eating healthy.  My tastes have already drastically changed since being single.  Suddenly chocolate which used to be the be all end all of amazing - doesn't really sound appealing.  No sweets really do.  I suddenly like sushi - after years of my partners taking me out to delicious (VERY GOOD) sushi places - I suddenly have gotten cravings for sushi, and have really enjoyed them.  I'm not very hungry very often, but when I am - I've been craving vegetables and meat.  The distinction I make in the quality of my food - my standards for "good" food has dramatically risen.  I've been eating more soup as well.  I'm not going to go OCD like I used to, but I've been more and more aware of what I'm putting into my body and how that effects my body.  I want to continue on with that.

CRAFTY LITTLE DEVIL! 
Explore and utilize my crafty ability to make beautiful things for me, for my home, for my friends.

No real push for anything in particular.  Due to the increased amount of time I have available, and the expanded amount of energy I have at my disposal, I've been more crafty.  It's also helped me process and deal with some of the harder emotional responses I've been experiencing since being alone.  I've started a couple of collages, mostly finished a skirt that's been sitting on my "to do" list for six months, made a few sets of earrings, done a bit of leatherwork (and subsequently practiced my knotwork).  It's like meditation for me, fingers working over and over again, my mind able to relax and soothe itself.  Plus, it's SUPER fun.  And there are beautiful things that come out of it.  It gives me so much joy - this is something I don't want to let fall by the wayside again.

Explore.

There is a particular areas of interest in my life I enjoy doing, but haven't had the opportunity or avenue in which to explore to it's fullest.  I'm currently working on expanding my social network to people who enjoy similar things, working to experience more in that area, and learn more about all the different aspects of it.  This will make me happy.

To sum it up - it's all about taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - and giving myself space and time and freedom to explore, relax, and wander.  I'm looking forward to the upcoming chapter of my life, even though I know it's going to be really challenging at points.  For all the reasons these quotes imply and many many many more....

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. ~Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? ~Frank Scully


It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. ~Seneca


It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide


Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.  ~Ray Bradbury

Growing pains

The joints,
The places where I am tied together,
Different pieces of me branching off,
Gnarled and knotted in their transition
as they spread their story of who I am -
These spots hurt.
They ache and moan
        when the storms come.
They are where I was ripped apart
    to make room for a maturing me to grow.
Those spaces
        in the in-between
                    are stretched hollow,
A gap in the defenses.
A pause before the great leap into the unknown.
The wilds in my soul.
The winds blow hard these days
   and my joints are sore.
Creaking and throbbing and twinging
                under the pressure.
But they will hold.
For I have new branches to grow.

Oh _kitten_!

Oh kitten! 
Mischievous deviant little thing,
I can't help but love you
and your rouge like smile.
Tricksy and impish
in your playful ways.
Vivaciously attacking
those things that entice you.
With quick swishes of your tail
and eyes that are so green,
you are a darling thing!
Quiet and warm when curled
contently in the lap,
purrs vibrating
emanating
soft and endearing.
There is so much to you
to entertain me.

Inspired

I have been. 
I am. 
And will be. 
Inspired by those around me.
By the cadence
in the beats
between their lips.
The ache
in the space
between.

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." ~David Carradine

I am hereby solidifying in this past week, the poem of I am. Gathering round and rallying my courage, shoring up those weak walls with the cracks of insecurity in them and planting my feet in the soil of my soul.

 "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown.  I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake.  The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen.  Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues.  I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.

It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes.  My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress.  And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up.  Conquer them.  See them for what they are and unravel them.  Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me.  Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking. 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.

Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.

But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.

 It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.

Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.

 If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

So this is me.  Standing up.  Carring around my fear and my pain by my side, admitting their place in my person.  This is who I am.  I am not ashamed of it.  For if you, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison

And above all else right now, it's important for me to be free.  To be as much of the true essence of who I am as possible.  To be comfortable in my own skin.  To be the best version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Because...

"It is better to be hated for what you are

than to be loved for something you are not." 

 ~Andre Gide

Older Random Poetry

Monday Memo

interactive integration
create cross-functioning
facilitate future
collaborative corporation
effective efficiency elevating the
synergistic success
towards togetherness
multi-task the maximization of the
productive paradigm

8/08

Little boyhood grin
Splashed across a suntanned face
Thinking eyes belie that suit and tie.
Besides,
Corporate ladders can’t compare
To tree house retreats.
And milk moustaches
Secret societies of heroes
And pirate treasure
Hidden beneath the porch.
They're worth more in the end
Than any man’s weight in memos


'08 the young

liquid laugh
like velvet
with a brilliant longing
always desiring
feverishly
to be born
naked
like a translucent flower
lingering
like a
ghost of a
dream

'08

let me live
and capture abstract imagination
creating soft silhouettes
of chiseled impressions -
aesthetic metaphors
of drugged eclectic dreams -
smeared pieces
of the surreal vivid originals
which dazzlingly shimmer
in their approachable beauty.

What's in a name?

- My name is Amanda.  Which means "Worthy of Love" in Latin.  Ironically enough, my biggest hang up in life is that I don't believe I'm worthy of it. 

9/16/10

A wound, an ache
that never stops bleeding.
Slices to my core
tearing me into pieces.
So I obfuscate the idea and
talk myself in circles,
trying to get away from it.
The answer seems simple.
Cover up the pain
Attempt to suffocate it away.
Drown myself in intimacy, attention,
intercourse, love.
If I'm touched enough,
maybe I'll quit believing
in that small
but potent voice
that degrades me everyday.
The insidious viral infection
that permeates my being will wither away.

p.s. most of my poetry relates to intense emotions, or taking an emotion and expanding and illucidating it.  Which means most of them are sad.  *I* am a generally very happy person.  Do not let my writing fool you.

Centering

Ok, so the artsy stuff has been consistent, but I don't believe I'm going to do much with RisingDawn at the moment.  There's too much going on, and my interests have been all over the board.  One of those times in my life when I get uber excited about a lot of different things, and it's getting too hectic.  And at the same time, other things feel like they are falling apart.  So back to centerting in on the things that matter.

9.07.10 centering

coincentric movements

lithe, limber, tenaciously tender

circles the center

closing in on the origin

of thought,

of matter,

of what matters.

Beware

It won't.  

I'm realizing I'm growing, developing, changing, and become more of who I am.  It's not easy, but it's not supposed to be.  If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it.  

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.  ~Lynn Hall

So since I love quotations, and they soothe me when things are "not boring", I'm including some here for your viewing pleasure.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.  ~Victor Frankl

If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone. ~John Maxwell

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

But really - 

It is not necessary to change.  Survival is not mandatory.  ~W. Edwards Deming

Personally though, I don't want to survive - I want to thrive.

Dichotomy

Solitary

Remote from human connection

Secluded in apartness

Unattended

Without aid

To the exclusion of all others and all else

Only Lonely

Pluck

The heart as the source of emotion

Dauntlessness

To face pain

With spirit and bravery

Forging ahead

In spite of criticism

Hardship

Cruelty

Unfairness

Or shame