NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. 

So I say

"No!"  

The two year old screams in my head, "NO!"  I don't want to.  You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable.  A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others.  But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage.  She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you.  Please, let me.  Can I help with that?  Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?"  She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way.  She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own.  She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind.  Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience.  Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards.  To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

"Here.
You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".



This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days.  It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating.  I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me.  I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me.  I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival.  Because if she says "No.", no one will love her.  If she says "No", people will think she's mean.  If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead.  Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries.  By saying "No" when I mean it.  And repeating it until necessary.  Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside.  They keep you safe.  Boundaries say - "Here.  Here is where I am.  You are over there - as in not in here.  Me - over here.  You - over there.  THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

 
I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them.  I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes.  To summarize my mini-rant -

• If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
• Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
• Boundaries are extremely important.
• Consistency and Honesty are the key

The Beauty in Slow Moments

Think Before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.
..................................and now...

SLOW DOWN

I'm typically am constantly on the go.  "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is.  All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me.  It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.

This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life.  I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project. 

When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature.  I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was just as explorative as I am now.  I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong?  Which one of these is not like the other?"  I thought about me.  I was different than the rest of them.  I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me. 

When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady.  I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch.  I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully.  I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature.  I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go!  To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot.  More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour.  I wanted the things that life had to offer. 

Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did.  We didn't connect.  There was that compatibility factor missing.  I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.

So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night.  It seemed a little silly asking  for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night. 

It was everything I'd hoped for and more.  A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "Squee!" when excited came over Saturday night.  We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! !

Oh. My. God.  Seriously!!!  As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have NO IDEA - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe.  IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  Period.  End of pillow fight story.  The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset.  Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.

After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie.  My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS.  Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast.  The best part about all this? I have girl friends. 

Girls. 

Who are my friends. 

Who **rock**!!! 

SQUEE!!! 

All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing.  It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time.  Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me.  I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way.  Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while.  We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there.  Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness.  We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house.  Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other. 

Dinner was yummy.  A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly.  But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth.  She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions.  One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles.  And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other.   Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good.  So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner. 

There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................

Miss Crafty Smarty Pants

I am a Crafty Smarty Pants.

I like to weave and design and make things beautiful....steel rings, embroidery thread, beads, hair...words, images, principals and morals....I like to integrate things and make them whole, more than they were before, but still possessing their individual beauty within the whole construct. 

Last week I was constructing a pretty decorative headpiece and had all these grand ideas about how it'd come out.   My fingers were flying weaving and twisting, knotting and braiding and I realized I had not stopped to think about the best way to do it before I started in on it.  I had in my hands at this point a pretty braided twisted weaving line of about an inch.  Looking down I realized I had a tangled nasty rats nest of embroidery thread coming down from it.  Not only did I start with the piece at the wrong end, but I also didn't take the time to pull each strand through - resulting in an hour spent untangling a gigantic knot.  There were times I gritted my teeth and restrained myself from yanking things around.  I had to use a soft and consistent touch to ungnarl the beast of fraying threads that seemed to be actively defying me.  There were times I would stop, take a deep relaxing breath, look back down, and feel like it was squiggling back into knots while I was looking away.  Patience wins in the end, however, as I finally got a strategy that worked to unravel the tangles and undid all my work.
So I looked at everything I had un-done, all my beads and clasps and tools and options before me. I had a simmering popping exploding ideas of creative genius of what I wanted to do.  I grabbed a pencil and a piece of graph paper and immediately wrote something at the very top of the page. 

Think Before You Act.



I immediately started sketching out designs - side views, back views, detail views.  Things were crossed off, things were adjusted in the middle, loops were created and then moved....and I left room and space to embellish as I wished. Then I set out with my thread and beads and steel rings and started again.

While my fingers flew, weaving their energy into the knots of the strings, keeping pressure at the places where things could fall apart, pulling strands through one at a time to ensure no tangling, I started meditating about the phrase that struck my frontal lobe like lightning. 

The phrase was so simple, so obvious.  How often it's forgotten though.  How it's so true to everything from crafting a decorative hair piece to approaching my career to how I handle my personal relationships.  Not thinking before I act costs me so much time and frustration in having to un-do everything that wasn't working because I hadn't really thought about what I wanted and how I was going to achieve that goal.

Halfway through my piece, I realized I had gone too far - I was planning some beaded loops and pieces that were going to be in particular spot per my plans and I had glossed over that.  So I stopped and wrote down the next directive that seared across my frontal lobe -

Follow Through on Your Plans.

Follow through.  Thoughts and plans are useless without follow through.  This applies everywhere.  Doing what you're going to say you will do.  Being on time.  Holding true to your word.  Being dependable.  Reliable.  Having forward thinking and a proactive approach reduces hassles, mistakes, and reduces miscommunication.  It's so simple and basic, but so essential.  Most of the time, it's the simple and basic things I know but I don't fully grasp or completely understand - deep in my core, that make the biggest differences in my life.

I'm awe struck sometimes about the beautifully intricate and simplistic and spasmodic ways my brain works.  Why simple phrases that change how I look at life are generated when I make a pretty bauble.  It's so interesting.  Life is flowing around, out, through me and I draw from things these concrete directives that are like signposts guiding my way towards the future I want. 

Think before you Act. 
Follow Through on Your Plans. 

Imperatives I roll around in my brain like I would a fine wine on my tongue.  I draw my spirit and essence around those phrases, tasting the way they would flavor my life interactions and how it would color me as a person.  These sentences that flare across my brain I mull over and if it's a tasty tidbit that strengthens my pillar of character, that brings me closer to being the person I know is inside of me, that enriches my life and bestows me with wisdom - I weave those phrases together, string them along. I put in gems of my personality like accents in this beautiful tapestry I'm creating that tells the story of who I am. 

Who's up for a crafty night?

choices choices choices

I've had to make a lot of decisions lately.  Some areas I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, some of the decisions scare me in their importance, some are simply day to day decisions. Decisions ARE important - they determine the course of your life, the path your headed down.  Decisions have also been really complicated and scary  for me sometimes.  There's churning in my hollow spaces, knots of dread in my stomach, swirling vortexes of endless loops in my brain, and a cloudy confusion that warps my perspective and makes everything a little too fuzzy around the edges. 

In the beginning I think I was simply afraid of being wrong.  I wanted so badly to be SuperWoman and perfect that I stopped dead in my tracks when I had to chose a path because there IS no path that leads to perfect.  My goal wasn't realistic.  I cannot be perfect.  I cannot please everyone.  I cannot maintain everything all the time. 

It's time for a shift - for me to redefine - really define - in concrete, articulate, quantifiable and measurable ways my long term personal goals.  I also need to clarify and articulate which basic moral principles guide me the most in my life - which are most important to me that I rely on when making important decisions.

These things when used as a measuring device against life decisions and situations, allow me to deal with decisions in an ....almost......easy manner.  It's amazing.  I have a situation.  I can react several different ways.  I can go through this beautiful process of elimination and logical reasoning and deduction. 

Which choices are contrary to my end goals?  Throw those choices out.  It doesn't matter if I really really really really want it or if the other options are way harder - if it doesn't line up with my basic morals and long term personal goals, it's not an option for me.  After throwing the ones that don't measure up out - I'm typically left with a few options that result in consequences that are in the direction I want to go.  I feel liberated.  Relieved.  Free.  It's like trying to cut a piece of ham with a spoon all your life, and then someone hands you a sharp knife and a fork.  Eureka!  TOOLS!  They WORK!

So I get the awesome chance to create this amazing tool to measure my decisions up against. I'm SO excited.  What do I want in my future?  How do I want my life to progress?  What are my dreams?  What things do I want surrounding me?  What things do I want to celebrate in my life?  Because each decision I make is celebrating a way of life I'm chosing for myself

.....which means it's time to sit down and be a schedule list making glitter goddess!  Why glitter?  Because it makes the calendars and graphs so much prettier!

Running over Puppies

My dreams have been getting more and more interesting lately.  At this point, I'm ceasing respond to them like nightmares and have begun dissecting them with an intrigued but distant scientific perspective. I don't put much stock into the "supernatural" nature of dreams or think by "divining their meaning" you come one step closer to enlightenment.  I do think it's a nifty tool to figure out what your brain chews on while you're unconscious.  Viewing common themes in your life, difficulties, internal struggles, etc... through the tools of a highly personal and symbolic mini movie sometimes allows you to gain some greater insight into yourself simply because you look at it from a different angle.

So, for instance, I dream of being behind the wheel of a car that has NO BRAKES on icy dark roads almost hitting a shaking tiny puppy in the middle of the road over and over and over again - missing it  only by the skin of the tires. I habitually got lost in this dream, sliding out of control and wandering around in circles, not able to reach my destination. 

While the dream wasn't super *pleasant* to experience, waking up, I thought - hrm....interesting. Through the symbolic lens of the dream meshed with my own personal stresses lately, I see an interpretation - I obviously don't feel in control of where I'm going in my life.  I'm definitely striving towards a milestone I don't feel I'm making much progress in obtaining.
I was chatting about this with a couple of friends of mine one night before getting my geeky gamer thing going.  One of them suggested that I was on the brink of a self-revelation, but I'm stymied.  Which I kinda feel like is true.  With all this hemming and hawing and analyzing and anxiety and adjustment, I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

Which, ironically was illustrated in game that evening quite well, actually.  I play Vampire the Masquerede, don't ask me what edition, I couldn't care less.  I enjoy playing the game because the storyteller is amazing, the people I spend 3-6-8 hours with are really enjoyable to be around, I get to play pretend - one of my favorite games, and I get to learn life lessons in an environment in which messing us doesn't mess my life up.  My Gypsy Oracular Rune Tossing Seductress Deranged-beyond-all-realms-of-thinkable might bite the undead big one after realizing a life lesson....like what does family mean, really?  But I'd gain that knowledge and not suffer from it in the least.
One thing I learned last night at game was that it's really easy to miss the obvious.  Like....there's a strange thing where you can go through the wall....we go through it but we don't stop and take a look at what makes it different so we end up traipsing all over the place, dodging squishy bad things, jumping over death pits, fighting zombie hoards, and almost entering demonic death chambers because we didn't take the time to stop and look - really look and see why this way was better than the other way.

I kinda feel like that's happening now.  I'm sliding around on ice with no brakes, feeling like I've barely got this shit under control, feeling a bit emotionally and mentally constipated because I'm simply not looking at the writing on the wall.  If I could figure out *how* to just *see* the signs that'll lead to achieving 'self-enlightenment' at this stage, all this pressure would be relieved. 

I feel like internally I've done all this growing and expanding.  My brain is firing in ways it hasn't before, but I haven't figure out how to move beyond this initial stage, and it's getting past cozy into cramped in mental/emotional space I've got.  Which is frustrating.

I know I'm going to get there.  Something'll happen, something will click and I'll have the key that'll allow me to move on to another stage in my development, the pressure will be released, there will be less internal conflict, and I'll have the opportunity to take on another challenge.

Until then, I'm coasting around in a car that has no brakes, where the seat's pushed forward to far, the steering wheel is over sized.  I'm uncomfortable and straining to maintain the effort *not* to hit the puppy in the middle of the road.   That scenario played out in my dream is filled with as much irritation and tension as if I were walking a tightrope high in the air with some one on the end yelling and screaming at me.  I'm walking a fine line that's vibrating with tension, distracted by things that aren't where they should be.  Maybe the enlightenment will come if I just changed the dynamics, ran over the puppy.  If nothing else, it'd stop that loop of nervous frustrated anxiety and tension that wears me down and wears me out.  Even when I'm sleeping.

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of suffering from insomnia

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of having no quality sleep suffering from insomnia.  That state where you can't pay attention to anything, you stare off into space, occasionally drooling.  Sometimes you revert back to that toddler state where you scream and throw fits, occasionally things, because you're tired and cranky.  Other times, you start crying because you're just too tired it hurts that bad.  I have been under the plague of Zombia recently, but I'm working on a cure.  For about a month now, there's been really ?three? nights where I've not encountered the below problems in epic proportions.  Which means my Zombia has gone into severe stages.  So it's time to fight back.





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All right, maybe a massive bazooka style gun isn't necessary in order to get good sleep.  But I can sure-as-heck tell you I'm approaching solving this problem with all my ammunition and the biggest guns I've got - and I've got some big guns! (I mean my brain).  So...plan of attack?

Symptom: It takes anywhere from one to four hours to get to sleep after laying down initially.

Point of Infection? I'm used to someone puttering around the house, in the next room, or going to bed with me.  There's a sense of time awareness that is suddenly gone since there's not another person to use to gauge time against.  One scenario that typically occurs is that I get busy and just keep going.  I'm rearranging the apartment, or sewing, or coloring, or something.  I'm either not aware of what time it is, or not caring what time it is while I'm doing this.  OR - I'm lying down watching a few shows and think - I'm not tired, so I'll watch one more.  This continues.  For a while.  This is typically what I do after more than a couple of days of insomnia, which has plagued me occasionally throughout my life.

Plan of Attack! CREATE A BEDTIME ROUTINE!!! Sounds exciting, right!?!  Well, it helps, so I'm not knocking anything that works right now.  First I turn off all sound making devices.  Then I clean - wash my body/face, brush my teeth, put on lotion, etc...A limbering up song to dance to then two sun salutations later, I turn off lights, crawl into bed, and meditate on NOT THINKING for ten minutes.  I don't really count the time, or look at the clock, but every time I catch my mind wandering away into icky thoughts, I bring it back to NOT THINKING.  I figure I do that enough and by the time I reach "ten minutes" I'm sleeping.  So far, it's helped.  Rock!

Symptom: I wake up three to four times during the night.

Point of Infection? Before when I heard a noise, or some noise would wake me up, I used to half raise my eyes, reach out and touch the other person - I'd have my grounding point, and then I'd go back to sleep.  Now I consciously wake up, trying to figure out what woke me up, then identify it, then try to go back to sleep.  Which is sometimes difficult.



Plan of Attack! I make sure when I go to bed I double lock the door and window.  Just a double check, but somehow it's reassured me and I've not woken up as many times during the night recently.  More pillows in the bed, so whenever I reach out, I find something soft and fuzzy that's reassuring.

Symptom: My sleep is plagued with unpleasant emotionally frustrating and upsetting dreams.

Point of Infection? Everything in my life right now? :chuckles:  The message in my dreams typically boils down to one of three things 1. Not having the right 'tools' for the job at hand - i.e. being unprepared for the task at hand 2. Not being able to get where I need to go.  i.e. I live on the second floor and there's no stairs, no access points or I'm stranded without transportation, or reliant on people who are late.  3. I am not in control i.e. driving a car on ice with no brakes - the stereotypical recurrent dream I have when I don't feel like I'm in control of my life.

Plan of Attack! Time.  There's no real 'thing' I can do to decrease the anxiety I feel about being in a new place in my life for the first time besides time proving that I'll be fine.  I try to build self-soothing techniques into my routines - candlelight, bubble baths, warm fuzzy fluffy soft things to cuddle, pretty colors, being crafty and creative, etc...  But it'll just take some time to adjust to the new environment.  I'm thinking of this as kicking Patience's butt.  Or conquering patience.  I know it's an aggressive stance to take to 'conquer' something that's fairly passive, but whatever.  It gives me strength and stamina to deal with patiently waiting.  Something I've not always been good at before.

Techniques to conquer ZOMBIA - or at least my techniques to conquer my version of it.

Growing Through

I'm entering into a unique time in my life. For the first time in my life I'm single. Solitary. Alone. No partners. No sweeties. No metamores. No polycules. By myself in my own apartment with no one else to clutter it up (or clean it up). With no one to coordinate my schedules with (and no one to automatically share awesome events with). It's different. In ways I can't describe. It's beautiful and wonderful. It's also dredging up emotional stuff I thought I was prepared for, but really wasn't. Which sucks.

I see this period as a time of training my emotional and mental 'muscles' to be stronger and more healthy. Like when decide to be healthier and you go to the gym and it kicks your ass and your muscles are sore and sometimes you have to drag yourself out of bed, grumbling and irritated to go to the gym early in the morning before work. That's what I'm doing to my emotional and mental self. To my character. I'm giving it a thorough work out. Sometimes it's awesome to see the progress I've made and sometimes I get tired, and sore, and everything hurts.  But I know it's worth it in the long term. 

Everyone starts thinking about personal goals and long term plans around January 1st. That's not my bag. Everyday is a new start to think about the future and work on things I think will contribute to my personal growth and development. However, it's been a bit since I sat down and MADE A LIST of the things I'm focusing on.  We all know how much I am in love with Lists.  So here goes my

Focus/Goal List.

I am going to be single (no primary partners/sweeties) for an undetermined amount of time. 

 I suspect it will be several months to a year, however. I don't want to specifically put down a time frame, as that seems arbitrary and unrealistic.  I like to be able to adhere to my word (something I need to work on).  But this is a crucial element of the next chapter of my life.  Simply being by myself, doing what I want to do, being who I am free of as much outside influence as possible. 

While I will probably develop strong/close friendships, or possibly engage in flirtatious interactions, I'm not going to engage in dating again until I feel that I've reached a milestone.  I've yet to determine quantifiable, measurable, articulate benchmarks that define that milestone, but that's on another list of things to figure out :)

I am not going to cut my hair until that period is over.

Besides obvious trimmings/minor shaping so it grows out well.  This seems like a weird goal/focus to have.  Symbolically though, this has a lot of meaning.  I've been cutting my hair frequently in the past few months, and every time I do it gets shorter and shorter.  The last time I was an impulse away (several times) from just shaving the whole damn thing off.  .  I wanted to shed myself of a lot of things in my life at that point and for me, what I do to my hair is a representation of my emotions at that time. 

Now, I want to grow, to endure whatever annoyances and hardships await me in order to gain a better understanding of life.  To become enlightened.  By denying myself the ability to cut my hair, I'm also gaining self-discipline.  I hate hair in that mid-stage length - HATE IT. It's annoying, it gets in your way, you can't do jack shit with it, and my hair doesn't grow very fast.  Right now is super short...which means the 'growing out' period will be quite a while - which will be a lengthy period of time that is frustrating and irritating. I see this, however, as a wonderful chance to 'workout' my tolerance/patience. 

I also have a strong desire recently to let my feminine side shine since being single.  All that energy I was putting into my multiple relationships now is pooling within me.  I've got time to expend on myself - lots of it.  An unexpected side effect of that has been a revitalization of my interest in fashion and looking pretty. I want long hair for the first time in my life.  I want to be able to braid it, to let it down, to have it cover me like a blanket, to look soft and pretty.

I am going to focus on taking care of myself.

Basic.  Simple.  But kinda all encompassing.  Really, this is my primary goal right now.  I have started to cut down on things that don't aid in that and want to continue on with that theme.  So the specifics would be:

1. Reducing greatly the amount I drink and smoke, although I still smoke and occasionally drink, I was doing far more of that than was really healthy, so I want to keep it at a light to moderate level. 
2. Getting up early so I can have time to do a morning take care of my body routine instead of doing it whenever I have time/erratically.  This would include things like making a healthier breakfast, listening to NPR, making my lunch for the day, doing the shower/ brush teeth/ wash face/ doing makeup/ doing yoga thing.  I was happy that I got up this morning with enough time to do all of the above in a relaxed pace and still enjoy some time to clean up around the house and do some simple chores.
3. Eating healthy.  My tastes have already drastically changed since being single.  Suddenly chocolate which used to be the be all end all of amazing - doesn't really sound appealing.  No sweets really do.  I suddenly like sushi - after years of my partners taking me out to delicious (VERY GOOD) sushi places - I suddenly have gotten cravings for sushi, and have really enjoyed them.  I'm not very hungry very often, but when I am - I've been craving vegetables and meat.  The distinction I make in the quality of my food - my standards for "good" food has dramatically risen.  I've been eating more soup as well.  I'm not going to go OCD like I used to, but I've been more and more aware of what I'm putting into my body and how that effects my body.  I want to continue on with that.

CRAFTY LITTLE DEVIL! 
Explore and utilize my crafty ability to make beautiful things for me, for my home, for my friends.

No real push for anything in particular.  Due to the increased amount of time I have available, and the expanded amount of energy I have at my disposal, I've been more crafty.  It's also helped me process and deal with some of the harder emotional responses I've been experiencing since being alone.  I've started a couple of collages, mostly finished a skirt that's been sitting on my "to do" list for six months, made a few sets of earrings, done a bit of leatherwork (and subsequently practiced my knotwork).  It's like meditation for me, fingers working over and over again, my mind able to relax and soothe itself.  Plus, it's SUPER fun.  And there are beautiful things that come out of it.  It gives me so much joy - this is something I don't want to let fall by the wayside again.

Explore.

There is a particular areas of interest in my life I enjoy doing, but haven't had the opportunity or avenue in which to explore to it's fullest.  I'm currently working on expanding my social network to people who enjoy similar things, working to experience more in that area, and learn more about all the different aspects of it.  This will make me happy.

To sum it up - it's all about taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - and giving myself space and time and freedom to explore, relax, and wander.  I'm looking forward to the upcoming chapter of my life, even though I know it's going to be really challenging at points.  For all the reasons these quotes imply and many many many more....

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. ~Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? ~Frank Scully


It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. ~Seneca


It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide


Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.  ~Ray Bradbury

Growing pains

The joints,
The places where I am tied together,
Different pieces of me branching off,
Gnarled and knotted in their transition
as they spread their story of who I am -
These spots hurt.
They ache and moan
        when the storms come.
They are where I was ripped apart
    to make room for a maturing me to grow.
Those spaces
        in the in-between
                    are stretched hollow,
A gap in the defenses.
A pause before the great leap into the unknown.
The wilds in my soul.
The winds blow hard these days
   and my joints are sore.
Creaking and throbbing and twinging
                under the pressure.
But they will hold.
For I have new branches to grow.

Becoming Beautiful

Per my last post, I believe Beauty is through Understanding.  I've been hyper focused lately on developing into a person I can be proud of - a person that I respect.  I had an epiphanatic moment today and realized I should be able to clearly define those aspects that I'm striving to incorporate into my life.  So, while gathering information on the subject - attributes of people with character, what constitutes 'having integrity', etc... I ran across something that posed some good thoughts and questions.

What am I trying to accomplish?  Why do I want to accomplish it? Where to I want to go with my growth? How will I go about the process? Who is motivating me and who is supporting me during this?

Which, while basic in nature, made me stop and think.  What am I trying to accomplish?  I say I want to become a better person, a person with good character, a person with integrity, but what does that mean? Those words are ambiguous at best, and translatable, and mutable to many different meanings.  As a friend of mine once told me - This is why we have dictionaries - to use words appropriately.  If you can't find a word that means what you mean, keep looking until you find one that does.

I want to have a strong ethical character - clearly defining my guiding principles and values. I also want to have positive traits and develop new skills to use throughout my lifetime. So following up on that, what does ethics, values, traits and skills mean?  (I'm stealing definitions here, 'cause I found them and I like them.)

Ethics are basically the body principles used to decide what's right, good, and proper.  It governs your Morality and provides a means to evaluating and deciding among competing options.

Values are attitudes about the worth of people, concepts, or things. Values are important as they influence a person's behavior to weigh the importance of alternatives.

Skills are the knowledge and abilities that a person gains throughout life. The ability to learn a new skill varies with each individual. Some skills come almost naturally, while others come only by complete devotion to study and practice.

Traits are distinguishing qualities or characteristics of a person, while character is the sum total of these traits. There are hundreds of personality traits, but I'm going to focus on those that I think are most important for me to have, and those that are important for me to work on.

At this point, I pause.  One, because it's getting late and my weekend is *BEYOND* packed full of things to do, and another because tackling the idea of identifying, defining, refining, and integration of complex ideas like ethics, and values - seeking out specific skill sets and personal traits to analyze is a bit much for my brain right now.

Trial through Fire.

Life's been extremely difficult in "This is hard, and painful, but it's good for me" way. Difficult and trying. A period that wears down your outer layers, the storm tumultuous and battering your will, stripping you are down to a hard core of who you really are as person. Letting me realize that I have the power to shape that into who I want to be.


I want to do that **right**! I want to become the sort of person I can be proud of. I want to be an example of integrity, of love, and wisdom. I want to be a wise woman. I want to grow and blossom and be beautiful inside and out. What will embellish, outline, and distinguish that beauty will be the Trueness to Self I portray.

I am learning through difficult circumstances. These are periods of endurance to test of my character. These are times of the greatest potential to learn who I really am. I believe knowing who you are lies at the root of everything. We are our own universe. Most our lives are lived completely in our head. The only way we experience our environment is through our powers of perception. Everything is filtered through Self. Awareness of the Conscious and Mastery of the Self leads to Understanding.

Understanding is Beauty.

I want to be Beautiful.

Univeral Bitch-Slapping and Poker in a Dark Room

Neil Gaiman I think sums up how I feel about the universe sometimes (I'm changing "God" and "He" to "Universe" and "It".  Cause I can.)

"The Universe does not play dice...; It plays an ineffable game of It's own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

Massive humongous infinite stakes with blank cards in a dark room with that's blanketed in mystery and confusion.  YAY for CONFUSION!  But sometimes the Universe is nice and sends you a clue.  By smacking you in the face with a "THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO" hand - that's loaded with uranium and hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes the universe slaps other people in the face. Regardless of who's bitchslapped, if I'm in the nearby vicinity, I get a taste of the backhand on the way back around.

There's been some bitch-slapping backhanding lately, but in wonderfully funny ironic manners.  I was talking to a friend of mine about the whirlwind of emotions that center on the "I don't know what to do, or what's right" feelings.  Of feeling insecure and unsure of where you need to go or what choices to make that almost cripples you in the hurricane of confusion that overwhelms. Til you get to a point where you just want to call up the universe and ask pretty pretty pretty please to simply give you a big flashy "This is the right choice" sign surrounded by glitter so it catches your eye.

We kept on talking and I had this "Look, Here's The Answer" thought. 
And then I stopped. 
And laughed. 

Because I was about to give them the advice I need to follow the most.

Look at the facts, look at your emotions. Make a decision about the course of your life (yes, this is scary) and then realize that decision is based in the fundamental essence of who you are. This foundation of the every existence of your being and all the experiences you've accumulated.  You're drawing on decades of information, years of personal development, and a knowledge pool that's not so shabby and really nothing to laugh at.  So your foundation on which you make that decision is freaking strong. So make the decision and HAVE FAITH and BELIEVE that you're making the best decision.

Because  let's face it.  Let's "break it down" (Cause I LOVE breaking things down).  If I could marry a punctuation group, item, it would be bullet points.  They've never failed me yet.  You have three options when making decisions (or not) - you can:

1. Make a Decision and Believe in It
2. Live in a tortured existence of indecision and insecurity waffling back and forth about what you think is right and what other people tell you is right and what you think other people think is right.  What I call the "if you look at it from the other side" syndrome.  There's a million other sides.  You can look at them for ages and go blind.  And in fact, will go blind.  With confusion and indecision.  It will wear down the core of who you are when you second-triple-quadruple-then go back to the second guess and decide to move on the quadruple guessing yourself again-ness.  It sucks.  And it doesn't result in any progress. 
3. Let other people decide your course and decisions in life.

For the majority of my decisions, I live in #1 world.
I mean, I AM bad ass mamojamma.  I don't take no crap from no one.  I'm as strong as an ox.  As wild as a tiger. As subtle as a sledgehammer.  I am an amazing person who holds her own.  Outside influences don't really affect me unless I think they provide useful perspective or information. The stuff that bothers most people? Don't really touch me.

Crazy homeless guy who yells at me and my partner walking down the street, calling us bigoted racists lesbian blah blah blah??  Not a thang at all.  I told my partner it's like someone yelling out at me that I'm a small giraffe in a top hat.  It means nothing.  Someone doesn't like my lifestyle? I don't care.  It's my life and I live it the way I want.  I'm not forcing them to live it, so it's really their issues leaking out.  Why should I care? 

But then.  OH but then.  The IDEA of standing up and choosing my needs and wants over others comes up.  And then I am terrified.  Granted, given my  past history, this is understandable.  Bad things have happened to those around me when I stood up for my needs and wants.  People died.  Now, I know they died not because I stood up for myself, but because they had issues.  But in my brain my needs/wants over others = horrible icky things.  BADNESS incarnate. 

This is when I start swirling into the vortex of #2 and cannot find a foothold. It really upsets me, because #2 isn't productive. It's useless and counter productive. Where did this amazing strong vibrant woman go? Cause frankly, it's at times like these that all I can see is the tiny child that curls up in the back of the closet.  And I don't want her running my life. 

But finding that strength of character, those brass balls of "YES, this is what I NEED.  This is what I WANT.  And it's IMPORTANT enough for me to stand up for it." is somehow one of the most difficult things I've come up against. I know I have them somewhere, I AMANDAZON,  I've got gumption,  I own my own pair of cajones - and they're made of titanium. I've got character, and bad-ass-ness that stems from the roots of my essence of awesome. But coming to making major life decisions about what I want and need? I turn into a wet noodle that can't decide whether its overcooked or squished out.

And that's where my insight ends.  I know the situation - which is progress.  But I don't know whether I just need to balls up and risk the jump to - - enforce the boundaries of my needs and wants, or to focus on the roots of the fears that cause my blockage, or where I go from here. 

So I'm sitting here in the pitch black room, playing my blank cards, guessing at the rules.  Hoping the Universe that's sitting across the table won
't smack me upside the head again, maybe this time it'll throw me a bone (or a neon flashing sign - seriously I would be SO grateful) and help me figure out which choice to make, or where to go.

I have a sinking suspicion however, that this whole 'figuring it out' thing, is the lesson I'm really supposed to be learning.

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." ~David Carradine

I am hereby solidifying in this past week, the poem of I am. Gathering round and rallying my courage, shoring up those weak walls with the cracks of insecurity in them and planting my feet in the soil of my soul.

 "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown.  I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake.  The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen.  Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues.  I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.

It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes.  My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress.  And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up.  Conquer them.  See them for what they are and unravel them.  Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me.  Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking. 

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.

Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.

But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.

 It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.

Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.

 If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

So this is me.  Standing up.  Carring around my fear and my pain by my side, admitting their place in my person.  This is who I am.  I am not ashamed of it.  For if you, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison

And above all else right now, it's important for me to be free.  To be as much of the true essence of who I am as possible.  To be comfortable in my own skin.  To be the best version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Because...

"It is better to be hated for what you are

than to be loved for something you are not." 

 ~Andre Gide

Being Honest

There's an episode of That 70's Show about a bunch of hippi stoner contractors 'redesigning' a basement - ending up just moving everything 2 inches to the left. 

"It's like Art MAN! -  I call it 'Basement.......two inches to the left'". 

That phrase gets stuck in my head when I have a perspective shift.  Same environment, same people, same world......but my perspective has shifted.....two inches to the left, man!  Suddenly everything is in a slightly different light. It's scary sometimes, when something you've seen one way your whole life suddenly has new contours, new shapes, shadows that didn't exist before.  But as a good friend of mine said - Buildings shift and settle in order to take weight.  It's a natural occurrence that ensures the stability of the building.  Shifting is the stabilizing force.

And I've been settling into the soul of myself more and more recently, loveing and appreciating the person who's skin I live in.  It's come through a lot of different shifts in the way I've been thinking and what I think is important.

The word Priority has meaning!  And, like usual, I've been analyzing everything about it.  What is important to me, how I demonstrate that it's important, what decisions I make now and how I carry them out - they matter!  I saw this amazing RSA Animation  video about time consciousness that really had an impact and helped me understand why I think and act some of the ways I do.  It was really interesting - I'd suggest checking them all out. 

Another short was about empathy.  Being quite empathetic myself, it really started gears turning in my head about how I act.  Realizing the basics of how empathy functions in the brain, and pondering the historical purposes it's served, and how I utilize that skill now gave me a few new ideas on how to proceed in the future.  I want to honestly connect to others in ways that are healthy and mutually benefitial.  I want that balance where you operate in a relationship all parties ultimately benefited, not having anyone compromise who they are or compromise important boundaries they've laid down for themselves.  See a theme here?  Relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, honesty?

So yeah, boundaries have been a big as well.  Which ones I should place where, how to communicate them, how I feel about them.  Communicating those effectively. Communication Skills For The WIN! It's amazing - when you ask for what you need, more often than not - you get it!  It's also important to be specific with the words that I use - being CLEAR.  Not mincing things because I'm squeamish I might offend someone.

A dear friend of mine, who's 18, gave me a 2" shift in perspective when I proclaimed there are parts of me I'm scared other people might not accept.

"We're adults now.  We can be who we are and do what we want.  If other people don't you because of who you are, that's their problem.  If I worried about what people thought of me, I couldn't do my job. (She's a model)."

I felt so silly that someone almost a decade younger than I am had a more established grounded response in that than I did.  But then again, if she can do it, so can I.  So I've been increasingly being open and honest about who I am.

Part of that is coming out as polyamourous to those in my life, and as bisexual.  Something not everyone understands or accepts, but I'm grateful that I live in a community that accepts and supports me as I am.  And that I can, through being honest about who I am, creating intentional relationships that are meaningful and lasting.  It's a beautiful thing to develop deeper appreciations for relationships I have with others, and so liberating to realize that they don't have to look like any preconceived notion of what a relationship is by standard majority.  I am blessed to have such an abundance of beautiful loving caring people in my life.

So in short...working on being awesome in relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, and letting honesty guide my heart and my life.

Centering

Ok, so the artsy stuff has been consistent, but I don't believe I'm going to do much with RisingDawn at the moment.  There's too much going on, and my interests have been all over the board.  One of those times in my life when I get uber excited about a lot of different things, and it's getting too hectic.  And at the same time, other things feel like they are falling apart.  So back to centerting in on the things that matter.

9.07.10 centering

coincentric movements

lithe, limber, tenaciously tender

circles the center

closing in on the origin

of thought,

of matter,

of what matters.

Past Reflections.

The new year is a time where everyone reflects on the past year and the year ahead.  I like reflection both on the past and the future, so I'm going to.

2008 end was traumatic and hectic and the - well the image below is appropirate.

2009 was the creation of a whole new me. 

New settings.  New life.  New boyfriend. 

New desires, new drives, new complicaitons. 

New pretty much everything.

So I took the barren landscape that was left over

and I started to recreate.

Trying for a colorful place in myself I'd be more at home in.

It was really different.  I learned a lot and grew as a person. I had an absolutely AMAZING man to share my life with who helped me grow as a person.  I started a blog, which I've grown to really love.  Although some times it's hard to keep going with it.  My attention span wanders quite a lot.  For INSTANCE:

Biking and being "gnar"

I really started my love love relationship with cycling.  I mountain bike raced a few times and around March was the fittest I was ever - at 200 lbs. I GOT my cyclocross/road bicycle and it's beautiful!  I'm still in love with it (although I've had too many stupid flat tires recently.)  I got a dual suspension mountain bike which was beautiful and I loved riding her - until I sprained my ribcage and got some pretty bad dirt rash on my forarms.  That was a first as well - not something I'd recommend.

Fashion

I wasn't the girl who liked shopping, or clothes.  I had three pairs of shoes.  Running, flip flops, and work shoes.  Maybe a pair of spiffy shoes I hadn't worn in four years stuffed in the back of my closet. Now.........Well, now it's a constant love of mine.  I'm excited to see how the future turns out in relation to my aesthetic choices. 

Medicine and Me

I went off the anti-depressants I'd been on forever, dealt with some hormonal repurcussions of another medication, and ended up in the worst physical stated I'd ever been in.  CCS/Fibromayalgia became the center of my depression filled pain wracked world.  And there were no answers.  No end in sight to the fatigue.  It was scary and horrible and the worst thing I've gone through.  I had to readjust all my expectations of what I could do (like walk 4 blocks) and I was so sad.

Then I went back on low does of the SSRI for the nerve pain dampening effects and felt mostly all the way better.

Health and Others

This past year sucked for a lot of my loved ones on the health side.  Dee had major surgery and it was really traumatic for me.  (I got sick).  My dad was in the hospital around Halloween and it wasn't touch and go, but it wasn't something that was an in and out either.  Other's have also had health issues.  This really was bad.  I didn't like it at all.

Work

Stressful.  Learning a lot, but it's really been a crappy year for our industry and it had major ramifications on my ability to be peppy several times. 

Paul lost his job and started his dream career of trying to get published.  Besides the financial affect it has had - it's wonderful having him home and happy and cleaning :)

New Things

1. I went kayaking for the first time.
2. I've met many many wonderful wonderful people.  YAY!!
3. I've seen a few BEAUTIFUL operas.
4. I've done some AMAZING hikes.
5. I went to California for the first time and had a life altering experience there.
6. I got a beautiful haircut/color I'm in love with.

 THE FUTURE

1. I have the rest of this freaking goal to achieve - getting to that damn target weight.  I've lost a LOT of ground since my 200 lb low mark.  I'm tired of this and I realize I've been bitching about this for ages.  This isn't my new years goal.  This is my promise to myself.  I WILL DO the things I have no desire to do sometimes - I WILL put in the effort to get to where I want to be.
1. This morning was a great example. I  woke up - it's pouring.  I'm tired from the major hills I climbed yesterday on my bike looking for houses to rent.  15 miles of lots of elevation after a night at the gym where I seemed to be out to work my legs into a pulp.  I could sleep in and bus it I thought, lying in my warm bed.  It'll be cold and wet outside.  That was my plan until I thought "If I don't want to be this size, I need to bike in."  That did it.  I got up, I made a healthy breakfast and coffee to take in, I loaded up my bag (HEAVY!), made a healthy lunch and biked my little butt into work the 6.5 miles.  I was COMPLETELY SOAKED when I got into work.  Think a long haired cat that's been caught in a hurricane.  Except I was happy.  And proud of myself.  GO me!! 
2. I'm going to life with Paul and a friend in a house this year.  With a garden.  And house breakfasts on Saturdays where others will be invited.  And there will be lots of storage and room!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!  And people to talk to when I get lonely : )
3. My brother's graduating from college in March and I'm going back to Kansas.
4. I have "life" long term goals - after paying off debt/saving up I'm going to california for a bit then across Euope (longer out now since Paul got laid off)

That's it.  I had a good/traumatic/hard/rewarding year.  I'm glad it was there.  I learned a lot.  I backslid several times. But that's the way life goes, right?  I had a freaking SPECTACULAR new year's eve and I'm totally stoked at the beauty, friendship, and adventures the upcoming year holds.  I'd prefer no more CCS-type suprises, though.  A simple request to the universe from a simple girl. 

SuperWoman

In high school my teacher/coach/mentor/father figure once told me I needed to quit trying to be SuperWoman. I kept trying to do everything and be everything everyone needed and be perfect all the time. Blame it on my personality, my birth position, my astrological sign, my parents, whatever. It's in me. And I really loved the idea of being SuperWoman, being the one everyone (including myself) could count on, but it never worked. I'd try to do too many things. And I didn't quite get that being human meant sometimes, most times, well almost all the time - you're never perfect and SuperWoman was a crazy chick who fought crime with a ridiculous outfit. Seriously. Who fights crime in bright red and blue with just a tiny skirt, flashing her undies, and an upper chest that rivaled Barbie's?

I still tried. And I got burnt out. I grew up some since then, but sometimes when I flag or lose energy or spunk I think I'm not doing that much - this should be simple! So I relearn that some days a few things is too much. Somehow I still think I should be able to get up early, be domestic, have me time, go to work, come home, go to the gym to work out, spend some time blogging, bake some more Christmas cookies/candies, watch some TV with the boy, and do the dishes and still get to bed early. It doesn't really happen that way.

So I fight with the SuperWoman in my head. Telling her it's all right to chill out and be a little broken. It's important to take time to rest and get the mental/emotional/physical parts working again before trying to save the world, or make it a better place. I'm learning I have a lot of patience for just about everyone but myself. Sometimes getting tired at the thought of getting though the next long day. But as corny as it is..."this too shall pass"...does help. Nothing is permanent - everything is transitory. And this long day will pass and there will be a brighter (albeit a colder one in Seattle) the next day.

When I need reinforcements, I do turn to these saying that've been passed down through the years. Must have a grain of wisdom if it's been around long enough to be a proverb, right?

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. ~Abraham Lincoln

Full of....

Thanks for those things in my life that I love.

0 - My family. I'm not seeing them for a while, and I miss them on the holidays.

0 - Paul, who is infinitely the most wonderful partner for me.

0 - The sounds of the city, they sooth me and remind me I live exactly where I want to be.

0 - My health. The last year's trials have shown me how huge that is.

0 - My life up until this point, because it's helped create who I am today. And I'm thankful for my thought process, perspectives, quirks, and outright oddness.

0 - The transient nature of life. Good things come, then go. But the hard sad things do too. "This too shall pass."

0 - Teddy bears to sleep with. (That's right. I'm not ashamed.)

0 - Puppies and friends who offer to share their home with you on a moment's notice.

0 - The unique nature of individual personalities and that I get to enjoy their contribution to the world and my life.

0 - Baking. It's a source of joy to me.

0 - The color red. This is not trivial. It makes me so happy.

0 - My job. That I have one and it's a good place to work.

0 - Sleep.

0 - Seattle.

0 - That I get to share my thoughts and feelings and rants and raves and randomness with you all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Give thanks.

31 Happy Thoughts

This past week or two has been kinda hard on me emotionally/mentally (and vicariously Paul too, since he's my sounding board - I can't express how much I appreciate his willingness to love and put up with me at my worst). There's no real seious reasons for this, just minor accumulations between outside stimuli and my own weird brain. I don't like feeling this way very much and I came to the realization that if I want it to change I need to do something about it. So some serious reflection occurred last night and some poking around with what I really want. My viewport has twisted around to see things from a different angle. It's so nice when that happens after you've been seeing something from one ugly angle for so long.

So to celebrate I am supplying you with 31 happy thoughts I've had today. (I pick 31 because it ITSELF is a "happy number". Look it up.) *disclaimer: these are in NO particular order. at all. Mainly because my brain isn't organized.*

1. I love Paul. The flowers he brings me on my desk remind me of that, his hugs remind me of that, I remind me of that. He loves (or tolerates patiently) EVERY little part of my personality. I don't ever have to pretend with him. I can be honest and huggy and exactly who I am and he loves me for that. And he is just about one of the best, respectful, caring, thoughtful and full of thoughts person I've ever met. He's the icing on my cake.

2. My family is alive and well. My dad was sick last Thursday through Tuesday in the hospital with an infection. He could have possibly had to have had surgery. He's at home resting up right now. I talked to him Tuesday and I'm immensely grateful for him and my mother. I love them and that is as much a part of my life as my need to eat. All of my family and parent/"adopted" parents are a wonderfully special part of my life.

3. AND 4.

There's also this beautiful strikingly gorgeous woman who works in my building. African American with skin the color of perfectly creamed coffee, a gorgeous bone structure - strong, proportionate in almost every way and yet elegant at the same time. Very feminine. I see her about twice a day every day in the elevator lobby. She's always professionally and demurely dressed in really nice clothes that always seamlessly go together. Her hair is about neck length and SUPER HUGE and just gorgeous in moderately tight curls. Every time I see her I am happy because her beauty is close to a sublime work of art that touches you. I saw her twice today, so that's why it's two happy thoughts.

5. I've been digging around for online vintage sites and found a few, thought I'd share. A list of vintage clothing sites. Really the "Bee's Knees"! I know I'm a little slow, but I knew nothing about etsy until yesterday...and here's an etsy vintage clothing directory. And I really do love this girl's personality and blog she also has a great etsy site. To make things a little easier, here's an online vintage clothing directory. Also - Mod Cloth....what a cool name. Yay!

6. There's a guy at work in his ?late 50's? early 60's? Who's the architecutral code genius. Isn't a fashion person by a long shot, and is recognizable by his outboard white hair cloud around his head and glasses, but his leather shiny autumn leave golden brown shoes today ROCK. After telling him they were great - I saw him get more excited than I ever thought he could be about shoes. It was so cute.

7. I'm met Andrew for coffee this afternoon. He's been in Butan for several weeks and it was really nice to see him. I appreciate the support/encouragement/tips he gives me on being active/reaching my goals and the chance to catch up with him.

8. I got to work this morning. With nasty headwinds and less than a 6" gap close call with a delivery truck trying to kill me I can say that I was truely happy (and adrenaline pumped) to get to work this morning.

9. Mmm....silky hose feel so good in high heels.

10. I still don't have a front fender on my bike since it went wonky and I had to remove it. The asphalt backwash wasn't particularly pleasant, but I LOVED how the spray looked in front of my headlight coming home and the rain cascading in front of the oncoming car's headlights. Riding a bike through connects you to your environment in a way that any other transportation I've participated in can't even come close.

11. Puppies. That's all a girl's got to say.

12. It's raining. Normally I wouldn't be super psyched about this. It's Seattle, it rains. BUT I bought that amazing umbrella a few days ago and I've yet to use it. I can take it out for a spin soon. Mmmmmmmm....pretty things!

13. Pandora is doing really well with playing what I want to hear this afternoon.

14. I found new blogs to look at today I like. I've added a few of them to my "follow blog" list on the side. Check 'em out.

15. I got some alone time tonight as Paul was/is .....somewhere? I like that I come home sometimes just to myself and my thoughts.

16. One coworker's scarf was really pretty fuzzy varying shades of blue. It was beautiful.

17. I got a lot of work done at work. This in itself isn't necessarily a happy thought, but the thought I got some boring tedious work out of the way that I don't have to do tomorrow makes me happy.

18. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow. It's Friday, I get paid, and since there's no blues dancing I'm going window shopping at a bunch of new (to me) vintage/thrift stores and then I'm going to write at a coffee show. Doesn't that just sound like a wonderful day?

19. My house is clean and pretty (thanks to Paul)

20. Today's been a day resplendent with mental connections and patterns in sight, color, sound, and hidden meanings. I love days like that.

21. The shower at work this morning turned instantaneously hot instead of taking 10 minutes to warm up. I love hot showers. PLUS I didn't have to wait for someone else to get out of the shower...which is always nice.

22. Doing yoga - I love feeling the warmth spread out into my body and the release in tensed up muscles.

23. I'm really happy I'm spending Thanksgiving weekend with a friend. Paul and I are going to spend the weekend with Danae at her parents house. YAY!

24. I'm thankful for my health.

25. I love argyle. I was wearing an argyle sweater today and this pretty boy in the elevator this afternoon was wearing one and a girl had an argyle scarf on waiting for the bus on my bike route home. It's such a great pattern and fall is so perfectly compatible with it.

26. Coffee. Coffee is happy in a cup.

27. One of my coworkers and I chatted for a bit over lunch. She's amazing and every time I get to spend a little time with her, I'm a little happier. I respect her very much.

28. My organized closet (and my recent found ability to put my clothes away) makes my life so much easier and visually more pleasing.

29. I made great time from Freemont coming home on my bike even though there were winds and it was raining.

30. Nina Simone whispering sultry like in my ear while I watch red and golden leaves dance frantically around rain laden trees.

31. Yogurt, raisins, and granola for lunch. Little bits of fruit thrown in. SO good.

Starting out the mid morning/afternoon with this post in mind has been really unique. Try it someday. Try to come up with a large number of happy thoughts to write down later... your day changes for the better.

Escher Perspective

With the addition of the corset and the closet cleaning I've been more "put together" lately. Which has resulted in an Escher like perspective on beauty, attractiveness, and how people respond to appearance.

It's a loop that eats itself when I try to analyze what responses I've received. The basic line of thought originating in - being pretty makes people respond more positively towards me. How? Why? How do I feel about that? What does that mean to me as a person, to my approach on aesthetics?

Being properly 'put together', a complete, neat, ensemble that's coordinated and well-thought out, increases confidence and changes the way I carry myself. (corsets are GREAT for posture!) It makes me feel pretty and attractive....which results in bubbly happy outgoing Amanda, which is attractive in and of itself. So when people are attractive/nice to me, are they responding to my appearance or to my personality? Can you separate the two?

I really can't complain that people pay more positive attention to me when I look attractive. I pay more positive attention to people who dress well and take care of their appearance. Being hypocritical doesn't seem honest. Plus, how you look is a reflection of who you are to some extent. How you present yourself to the world around you, what care you take to be thoughtfully compiled. The only negative thing I've reaped from being more 'put together' is the extended time, care, and attention to detail it takes to get ready and keep myself unmessy. It also makes me painfully aware of the lack of clothing, shoes, jackets, and hosiery in my closet. Building a nice wardrobe is going to take quite some time, searching for appropriate styles.

So I'm eating my way through this new loop as to what it means to dress myself in the morning (only took 25 years...) and aesthetics as what it means to me.