Past Reflections.

The new year is a time where everyone reflects on the past year and the year ahead.  I like reflection both on the past and the future, so I'm going to.

2008 end was traumatic and hectic and the - well the image below is appropirate.

2009 was the creation of a whole new me. 

New settings.  New life.  New boyfriend. 

New desires, new drives, new complicaitons. 

New pretty much everything.

So I took the barren landscape that was left over

and I started to recreate.

Trying for a colorful place in myself I'd be more at home in.

It was really different.  I learned a lot and grew as a person. I had an absolutely AMAZING man to share my life with who helped me grow as a person.  I started a blog, which I've grown to really love.  Although some times it's hard to keep going with it.  My attention span wanders quite a lot.  For INSTANCE:

Biking and being "gnar"

I really started my love love relationship with cycling.  I mountain bike raced a few times and around March was the fittest I was ever - at 200 lbs. I GOT my cyclocross/road bicycle and it's beautiful!  I'm still in love with it (although I've had too many stupid flat tires recently.)  I got a dual suspension mountain bike which was beautiful and I loved riding her - until I sprained my ribcage and got some pretty bad dirt rash on my forarms.  That was a first as well - not something I'd recommend.

Fashion

I wasn't the girl who liked shopping, or clothes.  I had three pairs of shoes.  Running, flip flops, and work shoes.  Maybe a pair of spiffy shoes I hadn't worn in four years stuffed in the back of my closet. Now.........Well, now it's a constant love of mine.  I'm excited to see how the future turns out in relation to my aesthetic choices. 

Medicine and Me

I went off the anti-depressants I'd been on forever, dealt with some hormonal repurcussions of another medication, and ended up in the worst physical stated I'd ever been in.  CCS/Fibromayalgia became the center of my depression filled pain wracked world.  And there were no answers.  No end in sight to the fatigue.  It was scary and horrible and the worst thing I've gone through.  I had to readjust all my expectations of what I could do (like walk 4 blocks) and I was so sad.

Then I went back on low does of the SSRI for the nerve pain dampening effects and felt mostly all the way better.

Health and Others

This past year sucked for a lot of my loved ones on the health side.  Dee had major surgery and it was really traumatic for me.  (I got sick).  My dad was in the hospital around Halloween and it wasn't touch and go, but it wasn't something that was an in and out either.  Other's have also had health issues.  This really was bad.  I didn't like it at all.

Work

Stressful.  Learning a lot, but it's really been a crappy year for our industry and it had major ramifications on my ability to be peppy several times. 

Paul lost his job and started his dream career of trying to get published.  Besides the financial affect it has had - it's wonderful having him home and happy and cleaning :)

New Things

1. I went kayaking for the first time.
2. I've met many many wonderful wonderful people.  YAY!!
3. I've seen a few BEAUTIFUL operas.
4. I've done some AMAZING hikes.
5. I went to California for the first time and had a life altering experience there.
6. I got a beautiful haircut/color I'm in love with.

 THE FUTURE

1. I have the rest of this freaking goal to achieve - getting to that damn target weight.  I've lost a LOT of ground since my 200 lb low mark.  I'm tired of this and I realize I've been bitching about this for ages.  This isn't my new years goal.  This is my promise to myself.  I WILL DO the things I have no desire to do sometimes - I WILL put in the effort to get to where I want to be.
1. This morning was a great example. I  woke up - it's pouring.  I'm tired from the major hills I climbed yesterday on my bike looking for houses to rent.  15 miles of lots of elevation after a night at the gym where I seemed to be out to work my legs into a pulp.  I could sleep in and bus it I thought, lying in my warm bed.  It'll be cold and wet outside.  That was my plan until I thought "If I don't want to be this size, I need to bike in."  That did it.  I got up, I made a healthy breakfast and coffee to take in, I loaded up my bag (HEAVY!), made a healthy lunch and biked my little butt into work the 6.5 miles.  I was COMPLETELY SOAKED when I got into work.  Think a long haired cat that's been caught in a hurricane.  Except I was happy.  And proud of myself.  GO me!! 
2. I'm going to life with Paul and a friend in a house this year.  With a garden.  And house breakfasts on Saturdays where others will be invited.  And there will be lots of storage and room!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!  And people to talk to when I get lonely : )
3. My brother's graduating from college in March and I'm going back to Kansas.
4. I have "life" long term goals - after paying off debt/saving up I'm going to california for a bit then across Euope (longer out now since Paul got laid off)

That's it.  I had a good/traumatic/hard/rewarding year.  I'm glad it was there.  I learned a lot.  I backslid several times. But that's the way life goes, right?  I had a freaking SPECTACULAR new year's eve and I'm totally stoked at the beauty, friendship, and adventures the upcoming year holds.  I'd prefer no more CCS-type suprises, though.  A simple request to the universe from a simple girl. 

Layers?

Ok, so this is my first EVER attempt at the "layered" look.   I almost didn't take pictures this day. I think I tried on 1/2 my closet.  And then gave up.  And then went "LAST CHANCE" and tried on this top (which is one of my favorites).  Then shrugged at Paul, said "screw it, it'll show my transition over time."  I liked the outfit while wearing it - sort of.  I love the new sweater tights.  I love the $3 denim mini skirt.  But my secret weapon is a plutonium core - I'm ALWAYS warm.  So wearing 4 layers on my lower torso area was kinda driving me nuts.  I felt like a mummy.  I need to shed some of ME before really being comfortable with this look again.  Plus, this helps me realize the sitting position doesn't look as great as standing.                                  So after that rounding bit of "meh" at this outfit, here it is.  My attempt at layering.

And while I was wading through the photos, uninspired by them all,

I figured I'd "Crack out" one of them to just have fun.

Wish Want Love Covet...

5" Heels? A little much...but I still want them.

Super cute tiny little pretty earings.

I'm in love with strappy suspendery type things lately. 

I desperately need sock garters.  Yes.  Sock garters.

I want them.

And I love Amerian Apparel's tights/leggings/hose. 

These slit leggings look so fashion grunge.

And would add great texture to a lot of things.

These would look bitchen' with my new suspenders. 

Add a little pizzaz.

How hot are these?

That's all I got to say. 

YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

OK, ok, ok.

(I'm excited)

I GOT THE BOOTS

for my birthday!!!!!

They're pretty and sexy and fit well and the heel is perfect and they're stable and gorgeous and awesome and I love them....I really REALLY REALLY Love them!

(thank you SO much Mamma!)

Boot and Belt Madness

I'm in love with boots, but with large feet (size 11, or 42 European) it's practically impossible to find good boots in my size. In face I frequently have to go to ...um...more..."slutty sites" is really the only appropriate term I can think of. Tranny sites also have my size in boots. Go figure. Anyway, I stumbled across this site which has some actually cute shoes in my size. Mmm.. add to the covet list. Ignore the half naked ladies that were included in the pictures. I will NOT be dressing like them.

And for the belts. I have ONE belt currently I bought in high school. I realized this morning that I am going to fantasize about having some more right now. Since my boyfriend originally got laid off in June, this is the first time I'm really feeling the >crunch<>

Back to the belts, though. I have a love hate relationship with them. I love the idea of them. I need them when I lose weight and my pants start to drape, but they hate to look good on me. I have to be SUPER careful about which belts I wear, as my curvy waist doesn't always look great in all belts, especially with the big and chunky bright belts which seem to be the most recent fad. I've been looking at every store I go to but nothing stands out to me. What can I say? I'm picky. But I think it's well worth it to be picky.

This is a wide belt I could totally dig.

I LOVE this "equestrian belt". Can't really explain why...the mild bondage aspect to it (I love that look), or the clean lines with the simple accents?

Gotta have a red patent leather belt in your arsenal.

Not sure if I'd wear this with my fashion aesthetic, but I'm intreguied by this Autumn Belt

Wish Want Love Covet 2

Such a cute top - very versitile - very girl-scouty (which I sucked at, by the way)

I LOVE the pink and the little details

I REALLY want some more very feminine blouses.

Can't see the detail very well with this picture,

but this would also be a great versitile piece. The bow makes me smile.

This is AMAZING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the roses.

SO sleek but feminine too. I love flouncy,

and I think I'd be able to pull off the flounsy-ness of it.

So adorable. Mink and Bow Headpiece. Yay.

A girl friend of mine and I went browsing last Sunday and she kept putting hats on me. We laughed like girly-girls. It was SO fun. She lives a couple states away and that makes me a little sad, because I LOVED hanging out/browsing with her. She's adorable like me in an alpha-female, don't take crap, but still giggly way.

Wish Want Love Covet

Going Dizzy with this Navy Dotted Secretary Blouse.

A brown I could fall in love with.

Vintage Art Deco Purse.

Pretty in Pink Dress.

Absolutely gorgeous pink blouse. Too bad it's too small for me. :(

Black and White Stripes and Diamonds

It's a really simple outfit, but shows off the couple of new pieces I got.

Shoes: Payless ~$10

Awesome Tights: ?Nordstrom? $?

Dress: Diva Dollz ~$50

*New to me* Striped Sweater: Diva Dollz ~$45

*New to me* Black Seed Bead Braclet: Junk Thrift $3

*New to me* Pearl Necklace: Junk Thrift: $18

*New to me* Earings: (thrift) $0.50

Just how little?

I know I keep mentioning that I have no clothes. After reorganizing my clothes a while back I took photos of how minimalist my wardrobe is. And here it is. This is how little clothes I have. To be fair my socks, hose, and unmentionables are in my dresser. Along with 5 more pairs of pants/1 skirt. (And my lounge around the house clothes)

1/2 of this is my bike clothes (shorts, jerseys, and shirts)

1/2 of this is:

1. my casual shirts

2. my skirts

These are all of my

1. boleros/cardigan type things

2. work shirts

3. dresses

And that's all folks! I have the fashion bug,

but just not the clothes to take it to the next level at this time.

Birthday/Christmas Wish List

So it's my birthday in less than 2 weeks. Christmas is coming up. But I'm broke and poor and I've DESPERATELY been coveting things clothes/shoes/jackets/beads/etc... recently. It's frustrating that I can only very gradually acquire wardrobe items, but when I go to put them on I realize I have nothing else to go with them. Found a cute $1 skirt...but have no shoes (or blouse) to go with it. Found a beautifully white and black striped adorable cardigan-esque cotton jacket. But no shirt that will go underneath it it.

GRAH!

Anyway, I was making a list for others as to what I would like for Christmas (honestly, given the situation most of everyone is in financially, a smile/call/hug will suffice because that's about all I can afford now). But I figured it'd be fun to list some of the things I've been drooling over/would love to have. A list of "If I had a bunch of money to drop..."

And I've tried linking the photos to the websites....but it seems like it's having problems.

Cute little adorable blouse.

Gorgeous red clutch

Who can't use a polka dot scarf?

And this abstract scarf ROCKS my socks off.

So chic. AND affordable. Amazing.

Granted, these ARE a little elfish, but the swooshieness of them attracts me.

I want these. I want these. I want these.

Oh how I want these.

Very cute and elegant ID case.

I have one pair of jeans right now. One. And they're baggy. So I want more jeans.

Red. Sexy. Want.

A classic shoe (once again, I don't have).

Sassy and spunky.

They'd be great for a lot of things.

And that's the end of my completely consumeristic and silly want fest. I'm going to go back later and try to make all the stupid links work. Most of these were from www.etsy.com or www.whitehouseblackmarket.com . Anyway, I've got a ton more posts to do...it's just been super busy and stressful lately.

Hugs!