Past Reflections.

The new year is a time where everyone reflects on the past year and the year ahead.  I like reflection both on the past and the future, so I'm going to.

2008 end was traumatic and hectic and the - well the image below is appropirate.

2009 was the creation of a whole new me. 

New settings.  New life.  New boyfriend. 

New desires, new drives, new complicaitons. 

New pretty much everything.

So I took the barren landscape that was left over

and I started to recreate.

Trying for a colorful place in myself I'd be more at home in.

It was really different.  I learned a lot and grew as a person. I had an absolutely AMAZING man to share my life with who helped me grow as a person.  I started a blog, which I've grown to really love.  Although some times it's hard to keep going with it.  My attention span wanders quite a lot.  For INSTANCE:

Biking and being "gnar"

I really started my love love relationship with cycling.  I mountain bike raced a few times and around March was the fittest I was ever - at 200 lbs. I GOT my cyclocross/road bicycle and it's beautiful!  I'm still in love with it (although I've had too many stupid flat tires recently.)  I got a dual suspension mountain bike which was beautiful and I loved riding her - until I sprained my ribcage and got some pretty bad dirt rash on my forarms.  That was a first as well - not something I'd recommend.

Fashion

I wasn't the girl who liked shopping, or clothes.  I had three pairs of shoes.  Running, flip flops, and work shoes.  Maybe a pair of spiffy shoes I hadn't worn in four years stuffed in the back of my closet. Now.........Well, now it's a constant love of mine.  I'm excited to see how the future turns out in relation to my aesthetic choices. 

Medicine and Me

I went off the anti-depressants I'd been on forever, dealt with some hormonal repurcussions of another medication, and ended up in the worst physical stated I'd ever been in.  CCS/Fibromayalgia became the center of my depression filled pain wracked world.  And there were no answers.  No end in sight to the fatigue.  It was scary and horrible and the worst thing I've gone through.  I had to readjust all my expectations of what I could do (like walk 4 blocks) and I was so sad.

Then I went back on low does of the SSRI for the nerve pain dampening effects and felt mostly all the way better.

Health and Others

This past year sucked for a lot of my loved ones on the health side.  Dee had major surgery and it was really traumatic for me.  (I got sick).  My dad was in the hospital around Halloween and it wasn't touch and go, but it wasn't something that was an in and out either.  Other's have also had health issues.  This really was bad.  I didn't like it at all.

Work

Stressful.  Learning a lot, but it's really been a crappy year for our industry and it had major ramifications on my ability to be peppy several times. 

Paul lost his job and started his dream career of trying to get published.  Besides the financial affect it has had - it's wonderful having him home and happy and cleaning :)

New Things

1. I went kayaking for the first time.
2. I've met many many wonderful wonderful people.  YAY!!
3. I've seen a few BEAUTIFUL operas.
4. I've done some AMAZING hikes.
5. I went to California for the first time and had a life altering experience there.
6. I got a beautiful haircut/color I'm in love with.

 THE FUTURE

1. I have the rest of this freaking goal to achieve - getting to that damn target weight.  I've lost a LOT of ground since my 200 lb low mark.  I'm tired of this and I realize I've been bitching about this for ages.  This isn't my new years goal.  This is my promise to myself.  I WILL DO the things I have no desire to do sometimes - I WILL put in the effort to get to where I want to be.
1. This morning was a great example. I  woke up - it's pouring.  I'm tired from the major hills I climbed yesterday on my bike looking for houses to rent.  15 miles of lots of elevation after a night at the gym where I seemed to be out to work my legs into a pulp.  I could sleep in and bus it I thought, lying in my warm bed.  It'll be cold and wet outside.  That was my plan until I thought "If I don't want to be this size, I need to bike in."  That did it.  I got up, I made a healthy breakfast and coffee to take in, I loaded up my bag (HEAVY!), made a healthy lunch and biked my little butt into work the 6.5 miles.  I was COMPLETELY SOAKED when I got into work.  Think a long haired cat that's been caught in a hurricane.  Except I was happy.  And proud of myself.  GO me!! 
2. I'm going to life with Paul and a friend in a house this year.  With a garden.  And house breakfasts on Saturdays where others will be invited.  And there will be lots of storage and room!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!  And people to talk to when I get lonely : )
3. My brother's graduating from college in March and I'm going back to Kansas.
4. I have "life" long term goals - after paying off debt/saving up I'm going to california for a bit then across Euope (longer out now since Paul got laid off)

That's it.  I had a good/traumatic/hard/rewarding year.  I'm glad it was there.  I learned a lot.  I backslid several times. But that's the way life goes, right?  I had a freaking SPECTACULAR new year's eve and I'm totally stoked at the beauty, friendship, and adventures the upcoming year holds.  I'd prefer no more CCS-type suprises, though.  A simple request to the universe from a simple girl. 

Getting Along Fine

So I've been lax about posting, what else is new?

Good things are happening, a lot of change. I'm feeling good on the 10 mg of the SSRI. Considering talking to someone who will change the medication, but it's working so far and as long as I don't drink alcohol, and since things seem to be going well I'd rather not mess with it and go off/on another medication.

I've felt so good that I did a test ride in yesterday to my work and rode into work on my bike today. I'll be riding around 26 miles all told after going to a doc appointment this afternoon then riding home. I was slower (around 45 min commute to work) but not by much. It'll be that way for a while. I'm pretty tired, didn't get a lot of sleep last night - but in a good way. Too much caffeine and fun :)

Things are changing a bit, like I said. I made the decision a week or so ago (and Paul's all in this with me) that's been both amazingly freeing and absolutely exciting. I'm going to work really hard, pay off the rest of the debt that's leftover from being with Rich, save up a bunch of money, and in around 26 months I'm going to quit my job, sell off most of all my stuff, maybe send some important irreplaceable items to mom or dad, and backpack through Europe and Asia until the money runs out. Depending on how things go we'll probably spend a max of two years abroad. We'll have a nest egg for when we return to set up camp and get us through until we reestablish jobs and housing, etc...

Frankly, the decision seems a little much to some, but frankly it's the best thing I can think of doing at this point in my life. It gives me a wonderful goal to work towards, it'll allow me to really focus on a couple of important things 1. paying off debt 2. losing weight 3. going on an amazing experience filled trip where I will amass amazing amounts of material for poetry/books/short stories/etc... and really put life into perspective. Besides, it sounds totally fun. The other option I was tossing around was going back to school and earning my degree. But I'm really not in the mood/up for that right now. Frankly, this is the best time to leave and do this. I have no obligations, I'm young, I'll have the money for it (after saving up like crazy). And really, when posed with the options before me, this one is the absolute best.

So I'm doing well physically, very little pain, only some minor fatigue here and there. I'm re-focusing on losing weight (no need to haul another 40 extra pounds along when I'm trekking across Europe). Today was the start of bike commuting again. We're talking about going on some more hikes and some camping trips. Thinking about joining the Y to get some swimming and weight lifting in. I'm also working on minor things like growing out my hair, brushing back up on my French, possibly learning some German, etc... This decision has really revitalized me. I'm excited and happy and content.

Things are going really well. Went on an impromptu trip to Portland on Friday and Saturday, hanging out with friends, chilling out, and I realized at this point in my life I'm completely content. Like a fat happy cat purring in a permanent sunbeam with a loving person scratching behind my ears. Ahhhhhhhhh..........