Health Update: Fibromyalgia

As a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:

Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.

My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms.

This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.

I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period.
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks.

Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward.

In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health.  And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.

I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better. 

Thank you all so much,

Amanda


This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness: http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079

Music and Me!

Mai Li is a friend of mine that I'm using as a guinea pig in an experiment to see how I'd do as a freelance efficiency/organizational/process improving consultant. We had a wonderful get together a few weeks ago and we're getting together next week to discuss the FABULOUS launch party that's happening in May that I'm going to have nifty fun parts in.  While we were discussing the amazingness that will occur, she mentioned there was a youtube video where you can can see bits and pieces of me dancing at the last performance of theirs I went to!

See me dancing? To AWESOME Music!


Mai Li's rad and does amazing music (she's on the electric violin on stage) and she's involved with several bands and has solo things she does -

Mai Li's facebook Page
She put on a "XMas time for Jews" video which went around quite a bit!

The Debaucherauntes is one of the bands she's involved with - Klezmer-gypsy jazz fusion:  Bourgeois Bulletwound is another band she's in, a Rock quartet... with a violin and a bitchin' name!  They have a couple of youtube videos of their songs - Funk/gypsy/blues take on "Ruby Tuesday", "Dreaming of Tomorrow", and a cover of "Purple" (Gogol Bordello) are just a few of the songs they do - they are AMAZING LIVE, so if you're in Seattle tonight for St. Patty's Day, go check out their show at the Ould Triangle!

The Beauty in Slow Moments

Think Before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.
..................................and now...

SLOW DOWN

I'm typically am constantly on the go.  "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is.  All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me.  It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.

This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life.  I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project. 

When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature.  I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was just as explorative as I am now.  I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong?  Which one of these is not like the other?"  I thought about me.  I was different than the rest of them.  I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me. 

When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady.  I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch.  I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully.  I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature.  I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go!  To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot.  More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour.  I wanted the things that life had to offer. 

Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did.  We didn't connect.  There was that compatibility factor missing.  I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.

So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night.  It seemed a little silly asking  for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night. 

It was everything I'd hoped for and more.  A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "Squee!" when excited came over Saturday night.  We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! !

Oh. My. God.  Seriously!!!  As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have NO IDEA - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe.  IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  Period.  End of pillow fight story.  The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset.  Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.

After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie.  My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS.  Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast.  The best part about all this? I have girl friends. 

Girls. 

Who are my friends. 

Who **rock**!!! 

SQUEE!!! 

All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing.  It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time.  Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me.  I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way.  Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while.  We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there.  Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness.  We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house.  Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other. 

Dinner was yummy.  A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly.  But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth.  She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions.  One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles.  And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other.   Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good.  So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner. 

There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................

Miss Crafty Smarty Pants

I am a Crafty Smarty Pants.

I like to weave and design and make things beautiful....steel rings, embroidery thread, beads, hair...words, images, principals and morals....I like to integrate things and make them whole, more than they were before, but still possessing their individual beauty within the whole construct. 

Last week I was constructing a pretty decorative headpiece and had all these grand ideas about how it'd come out.   My fingers were flying weaving and twisting, knotting and braiding and I realized I had not stopped to think about the best way to do it before I started in on it.  I had in my hands at this point a pretty braided twisted weaving line of about an inch.  Looking down I realized I had a tangled nasty rats nest of embroidery thread coming down from it.  Not only did I start with the piece at the wrong end, but I also didn't take the time to pull each strand through - resulting in an hour spent untangling a gigantic knot.  There were times I gritted my teeth and restrained myself from yanking things around.  I had to use a soft and consistent touch to ungnarl the beast of fraying threads that seemed to be actively defying me.  There were times I would stop, take a deep relaxing breath, look back down, and feel like it was squiggling back into knots while I was looking away.  Patience wins in the end, however, as I finally got a strategy that worked to unravel the tangles and undid all my work.
So I looked at everything I had un-done, all my beads and clasps and tools and options before me. I had a simmering popping exploding ideas of creative genius of what I wanted to do.  I grabbed a pencil and a piece of graph paper and immediately wrote something at the very top of the page. 

Think Before You Act.



I immediately started sketching out designs - side views, back views, detail views.  Things were crossed off, things were adjusted in the middle, loops were created and then moved....and I left room and space to embellish as I wished. Then I set out with my thread and beads and steel rings and started again.

While my fingers flew, weaving their energy into the knots of the strings, keeping pressure at the places where things could fall apart, pulling strands through one at a time to ensure no tangling, I started meditating about the phrase that struck my frontal lobe like lightning. 

The phrase was so simple, so obvious.  How often it's forgotten though.  How it's so true to everything from crafting a decorative hair piece to approaching my career to how I handle my personal relationships.  Not thinking before I act costs me so much time and frustration in having to un-do everything that wasn't working because I hadn't really thought about what I wanted and how I was going to achieve that goal.

Halfway through my piece, I realized I had gone too far - I was planning some beaded loops and pieces that were going to be in particular spot per my plans and I had glossed over that.  So I stopped and wrote down the next directive that seared across my frontal lobe -

Follow Through on Your Plans.

Follow through.  Thoughts and plans are useless without follow through.  This applies everywhere.  Doing what you're going to say you will do.  Being on time.  Holding true to your word.  Being dependable.  Reliable.  Having forward thinking and a proactive approach reduces hassles, mistakes, and reduces miscommunication.  It's so simple and basic, but so essential.  Most of the time, it's the simple and basic things I know but I don't fully grasp or completely understand - deep in my core, that make the biggest differences in my life.

I'm awe struck sometimes about the beautifully intricate and simplistic and spasmodic ways my brain works.  Why simple phrases that change how I look at life are generated when I make a pretty bauble.  It's so interesting.  Life is flowing around, out, through me and I draw from things these concrete directives that are like signposts guiding my way towards the future I want. 

Think before you Act. 
Follow Through on Your Plans. 

Imperatives I roll around in my brain like I would a fine wine on my tongue.  I draw my spirit and essence around those phrases, tasting the way they would flavor my life interactions and how it would color me as a person.  These sentences that flare across my brain I mull over and if it's a tasty tidbit that strengthens my pillar of character, that brings me closer to being the person I know is inside of me, that enriches my life and bestows me with wisdom - I weave those phrases together, string them along. I put in gems of my personality like accents in this beautiful tapestry I'm creating that tells the story of who I am. 

Who's up for a crafty night?

Good Vibes

Last couple of days have been pretty good. I've been doing some internal musings and ponderings on the subject of how I relate with the world, my place, where I'm going, and how I'm happy to be here, where I am in my life right now. For some reason I've also had Jewel's Hands stuck in my head for days now. Don't know why. It's kinda nice.

Last weekend was great, even though I missed writing and going to the open mic poetry night at the little red studio. Paul and I hung out with Shana and Cav at his place and ate good food and drank good wine. We crashed there and the next day went to Alki beach where I swam a bit, then kayaked in Shana's kayak. Paul did too. I'll post some pictures tonight, but it was wonderfully fun. Got a touch of sun and slept on the beach a bit.

I've fell in love with Dans le Sac. The coolest songs ever. Friend of mine turned me onto it and I love it.

Last night was particularly nice, though. I can't describe how wonderfully happy I am with Paul, how our relationship is the most healthy, happy, wonderfully content time I've had with another person in my life. And I'm gratefull for that.

Going...Going....

So I'm heading out bright and early tomorrow morning to fly down to California (Sonoma County) to visit Paul's Mom. Very excited. I'm looking forward to sunshine and hammock and animals. Hammock is a funny word. Oh, and not being at work. That makes me happy too. Although work's been better lately. More communication, less angry bitchy people snarking at me.

I could go into detail about how I've been doing this week, but I'm tired. That's mainly what I've been doing. Monday friends came over, we went out and drank beer and ate burgers... then stayed up WAY too late. Although mostly Shana's napagens seeped into the couch, spreading, making the gravity well deeper and deeper..... So for about an hour we all just crashed, talking.... It was nice to see my couch loved, so I took pictures. Shana's in the middle.

I crashed out on Tuesday for an hour and a half then couldn't get to sleep again until 3 in the morning. Went out again on Wednesday for more people socializing and coffee and beer and couldn't sleep at all Wednesday night. I ended up in an insomnia-tic stupor, felt like absolute crap on Thursday, calling in sick and sleeping all day/waking up for a few hours to make cookies/then sleeping again. I'm feeling a little achy and groggy and general CCS hints, but that's understandable since I had such a f'd up sleep schedule all week. I feel like this week just disappeared. Too much to do, too little sleep, then too much sleep really messes with me. So if I'm anti-social and grumpy at times....forgive me.

Anyway, there's been the amazing amounts of wonderful socializing with friends and that's made me very happy. On the search now for more to share in the wealth. Currently, though, I need a break. I'll be really happy to go see Paul's Mom and chill for a bit. Not have to be anywhere or do anything but enjoy a state I've never been in. That's right. I've never been to California. I'm rectifying it within 24 hours, for serious, so lay off :)

I like Paul's mom. She's very unique, strong, and honest. So many qualities Paul has I see in her. I'll enjoy spending a weekend with her....so if you don't hear from me until next Thursday....that's why! We're getting back on Tuesday, but Wednesday is Paul and I's anniversary. One year. I'm very happy. He really is the most wonderful guy - beautiful for me.

Me and Mes Amis

As for me:
Yesterday was kinda icky. Had a bit of a relapse. Might have been from the alcohol (1/4 cup of red wine) and the 41 miles I biked in 3 days - maybe some heat exhaustion from Sunday? But I felt ok Monday so I'm not sure what's the cause. Biking 41 miles in 3 days was something really minor in the "olden" days, but which really worked me out at my current level of fitness. So I slept 13+ hours yesterday afternoon/evening. This morning I was really fuzzy in the brain and a little ill, but most of that's gone away. I'm going to try biking home from work tonight, so we'll see if I bounce back or slide further into icky.

Pour Mes Amis:
The past year I've developed more casual friendships/close acquaintances than I've had in a long time. It's a marvelous extended support system. *as a side note, I LOVE extended support systems and suggest them to anyone who can get them/handle them/maintain them! Growing up with 4 parents and a gazillion family members who actively raised me I obtained far more balanced perspectives on life, was introduced to many ways of thinking, and always could go to someone who loved me. It was fantastic.

Anyway, friends are good, healthy, positive. But they are also relationships that require work. I don't quite remember relationships requiring so much work when I was a kid. Do we all forget about what happens when we're children, or was it really just easier? For me I think they're much more work than an actual relationship with someone you're seeing romantically. They require understanding, time, attention, allowances, and effort. I'm realizing lately that I haven't really worked at cultivating relationships since I was in middle school. Since then, I've had a lot of people I hung out with, activity acquaintances, casual friends, but no one that would really stand up to the test of friendship - that 2 am call for help that might happen once every 2 years.

What follows is basically the criteria I've determined is - for me - the definition of a true friend.

They answer the 2 am call and come riding to your rescue not because it serves their interests, not because it makes them feel good to do so, not because they were up anyway, but because they care about you enough that they'll be there to support you in your time of crisis (regardless of how ridiculous that crisis might seem to them.)

A true friend will "Love and Care about each other to one of the highest degrees." Being there when they need them. Listening to what they have to say because you genuinely want to hear how they are doing, or understand the benefit they get from simply having someone pay attention to them. Listening is very important.

Be within the margin of error. This is the part that typically comes first, but is very crucial. They have to have enough mutual interests that it's easy to do stuff with them on a regular basis. They have to have a similar enough mindset that they're not constantly confused by what comes out of their mouth. They have to be going in a direction in which they can still cultivate that relationship in the future (i.e. one of you can't be a super hippie living going to live in a tree and the other a ruthless financial wheeler and dealer). Your paths have to be close, but the margin can be quite wide if the groundwork and love is there. Again, the margins are WIDE, but you have to occasionally be able to reconnect on footing that is comfortable for both of you.

So these are my criteria. They don't seem ridiculous, I don't feel like what I'm asking is outrageous. This is what I want in a true friend. I've had a couple recently, but making new ones, or finding others, isn't quite what I was expecting - it's puzzling, difficult, lots of effort for a uncertain reciprocation. But then again, when doesn't life throw in new obstacles for you to puzzle over?

Getting Along Fine

So I've been lax about posting, what else is new?

Good things are happening, a lot of change. I'm feeling good on the 10 mg of the SSRI. Considering talking to someone who will change the medication, but it's working so far and as long as I don't drink alcohol, and since things seem to be going well I'd rather not mess with it and go off/on another medication.

I've felt so good that I did a test ride in yesterday to my work and rode into work on my bike today. I'll be riding around 26 miles all told after going to a doc appointment this afternoon then riding home. I was slower (around 45 min commute to work) but not by much. It'll be that way for a while. I'm pretty tired, didn't get a lot of sleep last night - but in a good way. Too much caffeine and fun :)

Things are changing a bit, like I said. I made the decision a week or so ago (and Paul's all in this with me) that's been both amazingly freeing and absolutely exciting. I'm going to work really hard, pay off the rest of the debt that's leftover from being with Rich, save up a bunch of money, and in around 26 months I'm going to quit my job, sell off most of all my stuff, maybe send some important irreplaceable items to mom or dad, and backpack through Europe and Asia until the money runs out. Depending on how things go we'll probably spend a max of two years abroad. We'll have a nest egg for when we return to set up camp and get us through until we reestablish jobs and housing, etc...

Frankly, the decision seems a little much to some, but frankly it's the best thing I can think of doing at this point in my life. It gives me a wonderful goal to work towards, it'll allow me to really focus on a couple of important things 1. paying off debt 2. losing weight 3. going on an amazing experience filled trip where I will amass amazing amounts of material for poetry/books/short stories/etc... and really put life into perspective. Besides, it sounds totally fun. The other option I was tossing around was going back to school and earning my degree. But I'm really not in the mood/up for that right now. Frankly, this is the best time to leave and do this. I have no obligations, I'm young, I'll have the money for it (after saving up like crazy). And really, when posed with the options before me, this one is the absolute best.

So I'm doing well physically, very little pain, only some minor fatigue here and there. I'm re-focusing on losing weight (no need to haul another 40 extra pounds along when I'm trekking across Europe). Today was the start of bike commuting again. We're talking about going on some more hikes and some camping trips. Thinking about joining the Y to get some swimming and weight lifting in. I'm also working on minor things like growing out my hair, brushing back up on my French, possibly learning some German, etc... This decision has really revitalized me. I'm excited and happy and content.

Things are going really well. Went on an impromptu trip to Portland on Friday and Saturday, hanging out with friends, chilling out, and I realized at this point in my life I'm completely content. Like a fat happy cat purring in a permanent sunbeam with a loving person scratching behind my ears. Ahhhhhhhhh..........

What we don't want to hear

A very close friend of Paul's committed suicide last year yesterday.


Meesh,

I didn't know you and I never met you. But I dreamed of you and you said you were doing fine and I belive you. Words repeated over and again as long as humanity exists get recycled when someone we love leaves us. I didn't know you, but I love you too. I love the memories that people I love share with me of you. And I hope you're still happy and at peace.


There are too many things no one likes to hear or say. Mainly things that are painful or things that remind them how powerless they are.


The last week and a half has been like that for me. The lexapro has reduced my joint and muscle pain from an 8-10 on a daily basis to a 3-4. However, going on the 20 mg on the 13th was a mistake. There was no marketed improvement and vast problems that arose. Depression has increased exponentially, and I was very sick Monday and Tuesday of this week. I think it's from a hamburger that wasn't properly cooked. Paul thinks it's from the three beers I had. It could be a combination of the two. Regardless, nausea, headaches, and feverishness have returned and my joint pain has increased from a 3 avg. to a 5 avg.


On a good note, I have people who love me and when I have the energy, fun things to do. My job is wearing me down with the slowness of it all, but it'll pass. I've also drastically cut back on the diet coke, which has been a ongoing mild attempt through my life. It could also be contributing to this general ickiness. Nothing is affecting me like it used to. All my emperical evidence is now faulty since the current situation is so different.

CCS - constantly crappy syndrome

So after a couple more doctor's appointment's Paul and I have appropriately named what I'm going through CCS, for Constantly Crappy Syndrome, since the doctor's don't have a clue as to what to call it. I need a name and it sounds good.


All the test results came back. I don't have an auto-immune disease. The ANA test came back only borderline positive and the lack of inflamatory tissue in my joints is further proof I don't have an auto-immune disease. So that means absolutely no lupus. Yay! I don't have Lyme disease. I don't have Hepatitis C. I don't have Rheumatoid Arthritis. My kidney and liver funtions are great and my thyroid levels are perfect. Iron levels are great, no anemia. I'm (according to the tests) fit as a fiddle. Execpt for that pesky joint pain, fatigue, nausea etc... :)

Paul (of whom I love very much) “found a clue” and I discussed it with my doctor. Apparently serotonin levels have a major impact with fibromyalgia and the lower the serotonin levels the more pain you experience, the more fatigued you are due to lack of “good” sleep, etc… I’ve had these symptoms (in much lower quantities) most of my life which got worse as I got older. Some of these were very prominent right before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, but when I went on the anti-depressants (before I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism) the symptoms lessened a lot. I would occasionally have joint pain or fatigue, or temperature fluctuations or nausea, but it was rare and mild – usually only after very high stress periods.

Once I went down to a 5 mg dosage preparing to get off the antidepressents, I started feeling the symptoms again. Going off them entirely they came back with a vengeance (thought it was the withdrawal symptoms from the lexapro, but now I’m wondering if it wasn’t the beginnings of CCS). Then there was the period with the birth control and the unregulated thyroid medication, which I attributed the symptoms to the thyroid, but since that’s been ruled out the symptoms have just been getting worse. So the thought was this had everything to do with my low serotonin levels.

After discussing it with my doctor I've gone back on the antidepressants. Really I have nothing to lose at this point. Apparently they change the brain area that's very close to the "pain regulator". The only real idea the doctor came up with is that the area in my brain that senses pain is stuck on 11 on the 1-10 scale. If it works, I'll chose taking a pill for the rest of my life over CCS. I've been on them for four days and the pain is definitly much less - say a 2-4 on a scale of 1-10 where as before I was stuck on 8-10. I'm still having some pain and swelling in my joints, but my energy level has skyrocked and I feel like me again. There's some weird adjustments while my brain restructure (extreme sensitivity to noise/sound, weird spazziness periods, some minor headaches and irritability). They're minor issues and fleeting. Issues don't last for more than an hour or so when they pop up.

I was able to go on a bike ride (up something, not just flat), go out after 8 pm, go out and have a drink, walk around when we went up to Alpental, go on a chill lake stroll, etc... I feel better. Still in the dark as to what's going on, but at least I feel better.

As a side note:
You must read this. There's a reason Fat Cyclist is on my frequently read list. This post is beyond beautiful. Part of the frustration of this crap is the longer it goes on, the more chronic the nature, the more I felt my personality and spark worn away, like chinese water torture to my personality - slow, not really harmful, but it'll get to a point where it'll drive you nuts. To think that people go through so much more pain, debilitating terminal illnesses, that these amazing beautiful people inspire hope within me and touches me.

Fun in the Sun.

I'm back. Or most of the way back to my former self. It seems the sluggish riding of the waves has subsided and I found my row boat.

I had dinner with Shana, a friend of Andrew's, and her boyfriend last night. At first it was kinda stressful because I didn't know really how many people were going to show up - possibly two total people whom I didn't know/hadn't met before, if one group came Shanna's boyfriend might have had issues with someone from another group, timing was getting tight getting the food ready, etc... But it turned out great. One group didn't show up until the other was gone, which mostly resulted in no one being unhappy/fighting with each other. I made a kick ass raspberry pie I'm particularly proud of - I would take pictures of that and the fudge and rocky road brownies I made, but my camera's being weird. But basically - we drank and ate and were merry. Socializing is wonderful. Shana rides bikes as well and as she was leaving, suggested we go for a ride and go out for breakfast on Sunday.

So the next morning (far too early) we suited up, changed my tires (which are beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous supple monuments to awesomeness), and waited for her. Andrew showed up unexpectedly and then Shana did. We went to Besalu - the best pastry shop in Seattle, and I had my favorite Hazelnut Twist and an Americano. We decided to go South to Seward Park and then decide then how far we wanted to go. End result is that Paul, Shanna and I did the lake washington loop (Andrew had to bail early). Coming from Ballard and going back to Ballard makes the total around 65-70 miles - ish.

Keep in mind I haven't done a long ride in months, I've been "busting out" around 13 miles per hour at MOST doing my commute for the past few weeks and generally crapped out energy wise after 6-12 miles. We did over 60. And I was keeping a 16-19 mph pace on the flats (I still am slow going up hills). We had a great time and then CRASHED when we got back to the apartment. The heat/hot sun did Paul and I in, even though we drank lots of water. I'll bring my other water bottle next time. Paul and I are going to start doing the hills and some 30-40 mile rides during the week and then work up to a 100 miles doing a long ride on the weekend.

I'm happy (very tired and sore and sunburned) but very happy. I'm fast again and I spent the weekend with friends and had lots of fun in the beautiful summer sun.

Waves

There's a good reason I haven't posted in way too long. Life has been really hectic/difficult.


Things are going well on the Paul/unemployment/writing front. The last couple of weeks have been. SUPER. stressful for me at work and he's taking care of the house, of me, and his writing, and enjoying a little bit of a vacation. We're fine financially and we went on a grocery trip to stock up for the next month and a half - which was totally fun. But this budget consciousness has brought around feelings of stress and frustration that was a huge part of Rich and I's life. And even though there's not any issues around that with Paul and I it's still there. It's like going into a place where you've always been stressed and unhappy and even though the environment now is perfectly fine, you're a little wary and every now and then you have flashbacks of "how it used to be". Classic conditioning, gotta love it.


Work is stressful. They laid off another 10 or 13 people on the 22nd (two Friday's ago). We're down from 125 to I think 83? now. So again with the stressed out and irritated and freighted people all around me. I'm barely keeping ahead surging waves of workload, and now really live for Friday's/weekends so I can pop my head above water and breathe, relax for a bit before treading water again on Monday.


Monday's are going to be really special too, because for the large hospital project I'm working on I have meetings from 8 am - 5 pm with an hour break for lunch. *sigh* I hate meetings. They've become most of all of my work right now. Attending them, taking meeting minutes, typing those up, typing up notes other people take for meetings I don't/can't attend, etc... Trying to balance that with the Microsoft project and the random crap that comes up every day, my inbox is overloaded with things I'm not going to get to anytime soon. Prioritization and letting go - my saviors.


And the petering out of the antidepressant meds/withdrawal symptoms have reintroduced me to the issues that've plagued me most of my life. Being an interesting intelligent person, wanting something that's true in your life - all of this comes with a price. And that price is wondering sometimes what the point of it all is. Why am I here? What's my focus? What's my reason? Delving into the depths of your character and analyzing your flaws and the "why" of who you are. I guess explaining the emotions make them trite and simplistic when they're everything but. It's been hard getting through it. Especially since my thyroid is really low and I've been bottoming out on the energy scale. But the universe is beautifully serendipitous. Paul has lived with depression on one scale or another for most of his life and us talking about is has really been helpful. Having someone else who does understand and does have valid suggestions for how to deal with those bad moments has been really positive. Being with Paul I believe has accelerated my growth and development as a person. I would have come to the conclusions sooner or later on my own, but with Paul it happens sooner, easier, with more growth and less pain.


The last couple of days have gotten better and better by far. I've come to terms - for now - with some things and I've had some really great days. I also got through some physical stuff that I think was heavily influencing my mindset/physical reactions.


I did Critical Mass on Friday, which is this wonderful festival/parade/shenannigan havings-like ride that 100+ to hundreds of people attend every last Friday of the month and it was beautiful. We corked traffic downtown, blocked the Aurora bridge, and went through a major parking garage. SO much FUN! It's nice being on a bike on the road and not being afraid of the cars. For once a month, for select areas, bicycles own the road. The cars stop for us. We ended up at Golden Gardens and Paul and I had our first sunset together -- although this couple blocked our view in the last minute and we leaned out so we could both say goodbye to the sun setting behind the mountains over the water. It really was beautiful.


And I got beautiful tires, that are 320 tpi (high thread count) and they will be as beautiful as egyptian cotton sheets are. mmmmmmmm..... I also have dialed in for the most part my saddle position, which has made my ride SO much better and allowed me to get back up to near my faster speed, so I'm not all stupid slow like before. I'm excited to take them out for a twirl. Friends are coming over for dinner tonight and Paul and I went to watch the Terminator movie - which was really good. I really got into it and thought it was beautifully terminator-tastic. Paul thought it was more of an "action movie" rather than Terminator movie, but they had such great scenes that tied in from the earlier movies that I really loved it. It didn't have so much of that - look at this new terminator thing we were able to CG! - and had more of a good story and acting that was believable - I thought it added some depth that I liked. Anyway, the last couple of days have been really good.


And I'm looking forward to July 3-8th. Paul's mom is coming down and I can't wait to see her. Plus, I have 6 beautiful wonderful gorgeous day's off. 6 of them. In a row. I. Can't. Wait.

Think Good Thoughts

UPDATE: Tuesday night - Charity has been found, nothing went wrong, everything is ok.


Charity (my brother's girlfriend) is missing. She went cold-turkey off her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication lately and has been very confused. We're all worried about her. Please think good thoughts for her and my brother (who has two more finals to take during this time)

I like Bob

After spending yet another day with chest pain, and bailing out on work early because of it, my boss insisted I go see the doctor. Since the rib/chest/stomach pain had only been increasing since Tuesday I relented and called my family doc, who promptly told me to go to the ER. I have insurance with Group Health, so called their closest hospital to see what I needed to do/where I needed to go so as to have the cheapest and easiest way to get checked out. After an hour of waiting for a phone call that never came, I called them back again and was told to go to the Urgent Care Group Health Center in Capitol Hill.


Andrew had originally planned that morning of coming over to pick up a bike part after I got home. When he heard I was going to the ER he refused to let me take the bus and insisted he drive me there, wait for me, and drive me back. There are times I feel truly blessed by the friends I have.


So we went to the ER and after the whole signing in, going through the "on a scale of 1 to 10 how much pain are you in" business, I was stuck in a room, waited around forever, and eventually saw a doctor who after a fair amount of poking and prodding, proclaimed my road rash not infected said I had just sprained my ribcage - which I was thrilled about.


Since the massive amounts of Advil I had been taking were doing little to dull the pain, they gave me a Vicodin. I've not taken a heavy duty pain killer before and let me just say its....... very effective and has a very interesting response in my body. I ended up chattering Andrew's ear off on the ride home mainly due to the fact my internal monologue was nonexistent. There were lots of statements like - "What a cute puppy!" and "I like cheese." :) It makes the pain a faint bass line underneath this wonderfully intricate, distracting melody. From feeling the effects of it wearing off this evening I can definitely say it makes this whole thing MUCH easier to deal with, and helps A LOT.


But back to the hospital - after being given the Vicodin, an attendant named Bob came in to clean out my road rash and apply a silver-thingy paste to it and wrap it up. By the time Bob was cleaning out my wound the Vicodin kicked in and I was aware that the cleaning procedures he did, squirting this saline solution in the wound and blotting/wiping off the excess stuff, was really kinda painful, but then I got all distracted by the really pretty clouds in the bright blue sky. I actually had a great conversation with him and he was a great attendant.


After spending a 7 month mark dinner together with Paul, I'm feeling so much better. Food, significantly less pain, and not dreading the workday pain totally makes me a happier person!

And on a total bonus note, being on the bike isn't going to diminish my body's ability to heal. So after I get the wheel fixed for the Kona it's going to be lots of easy longish rides for me. Andrew's racing this weekend at a real race (I'm going as a cheerleader). Hopefully I'll have some great pictures from it.

Totally awesome favorite picture ever I took last weekend.

I had to share.