NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. 

So I say

"No!"  

The two year old screams in my head, "NO!"  I don't want to.  You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable.  A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others.  But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage.  She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you.  Please, let me.  Can I help with that?  Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?"  She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way.  She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own.  She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind.  Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience.  Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards.  To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

"Here.
You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".



This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days.  It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating.  I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me.  I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me.  I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival.  Because if she says "No.", no one will love her.  If she says "No", people will think she's mean.  If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead.  Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries.  By saying "No" when I mean it.  And repeating it until necessary.  Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside.  They keep you safe.  Boundaries say - "Here.  Here is where I am.  You are over there - as in not in here.  Me - over here.  You - over there.  THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

 
I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them.  I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes.  To summarize my mini-rant -

• If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
• Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
• Boundaries are extremely important.
• Consistency and Honesty are the key

The Beauty in Slow Moments

Think Before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.
..................................and now...

SLOW DOWN

I'm typically am constantly on the go.  "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is.  All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me.  It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.

This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life.  I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project. 

When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature.  I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was just as explorative as I am now.  I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong?  Which one of these is not like the other?"  I thought about me.  I was different than the rest of them.  I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me. 

When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady.  I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch.  I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully.  I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature.  I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go!  To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot.  More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour.  I wanted the things that life had to offer. 

Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did.  We didn't connect.  There was that compatibility factor missing.  I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.

So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night.  It seemed a little silly asking  for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night. 

It was everything I'd hoped for and more.  A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "Squee!" when excited came over Saturday night.  We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! !

Oh. My. God.  Seriously!!!  As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have NO IDEA - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe.  IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!  Period.  End of pillow fight story.  The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset.  Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.

After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie.  My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS.  Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast.  The best part about all this? I have girl friends. 

Girls. 

Who are my friends. 

Who **rock**!!! 

SQUEE!!! 

All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing.  It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time.  Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me.  I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way.  Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while.  We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there.  Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness.  We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house.  Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other. 

Dinner was yummy.  A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly.  But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth.  She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions.  One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles.  And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other.   Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good.  So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner. 

There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................

Miss Crafty Smarty Pants

I am a Crafty Smarty Pants.

I like to weave and design and make things beautiful....steel rings, embroidery thread, beads, hair...words, images, principals and morals....I like to integrate things and make them whole, more than they were before, but still possessing their individual beauty within the whole construct. 

Last week I was constructing a pretty decorative headpiece and had all these grand ideas about how it'd come out.   My fingers were flying weaving and twisting, knotting and braiding and I realized I had not stopped to think about the best way to do it before I started in on it.  I had in my hands at this point a pretty braided twisted weaving line of about an inch.  Looking down I realized I had a tangled nasty rats nest of embroidery thread coming down from it.  Not only did I start with the piece at the wrong end, but I also didn't take the time to pull each strand through - resulting in an hour spent untangling a gigantic knot.  There were times I gritted my teeth and restrained myself from yanking things around.  I had to use a soft and consistent touch to ungnarl the beast of fraying threads that seemed to be actively defying me.  There were times I would stop, take a deep relaxing breath, look back down, and feel like it was squiggling back into knots while I was looking away.  Patience wins in the end, however, as I finally got a strategy that worked to unravel the tangles and undid all my work.
So I looked at everything I had un-done, all my beads and clasps and tools and options before me. I had a simmering popping exploding ideas of creative genius of what I wanted to do.  I grabbed a pencil and a piece of graph paper and immediately wrote something at the very top of the page. 

Think Before You Act.



I immediately started sketching out designs - side views, back views, detail views.  Things were crossed off, things were adjusted in the middle, loops were created and then moved....and I left room and space to embellish as I wished. Then I set out with my thread and beads and steel rings and started again.

While my fingers flew, weaving their energy into the knots of the strings, keeping pressure at the places where things could fall apart, pulling strands through one at a time to ensure no tangling, I started meditating about the phrase that struck my frontal lobe like lightning. 

The phrase was so simple, so obvious.  How often it's forgotten though.  How it's so true to everything from crafting a decorative hair piece to approaching my career to how I handle my personal relationships.  Not thinking before I act costs me so much time and frustration in having to un-do everything that wasn't working because I hadn't really thought about what I wanted and how I was going to achieve that goal.

Halfway through my piece, I realized I had gone too far - I was planning some beaded loops and pieces that were going to be in particular spot per my plans and I had glossed over that.  So I stopped and wrote down the next directive that seared across my frontal lobe -

Follow Through on Your Plans.

Follow through.  Thoughts and plans are useless without follow through.  This applies everywhere.  Doing what you're going to say you will do.  Being on time.  Holding true to your word.  Being dependable.  Reliable.  Having forward thinking and a proactive approach reduces hassles, mistakes, and reduces miscommunication.  It's so simple and basic, but so essential.  Most of the time, it's the simple and basic things I know but I don't fully grasp or completely understand - deep in my core, that make the biggest differences in my life.

I'm awe struck sometimes about the beautifully intricate and simplistic and spasmodic ways my brain works.  Why simple phrases that change how I look at life are generated when I make a pretty bauble.  It's so interesting.  Life is flowing around, out, through me and I draw from things these concrete directives that are like signposts guiding my way towards the future I want. 

Think before you Act. 
Follow Through on Your Plans. 

Imperatives I roll around in my brain like I would a fine wine on my tongue.  I draw my spirit and essence around those phrases, tasting the way they would flavor my life interactions and how it would color me as a person.  These sentences that flare across my brain I mull over and if it's a tasty tidbit that strengthens my pillar of character, that brings me closer to being the person I know is inside of me, that enriches my life and bestows me with wisdom - I weave those phrases together, string them along. I put in gems of my personality like accents in this beautiful tapestry I'm creating that tells the story of who I am. 

Who's up for a crafty night?

choices choices choices

I've had to make a lot of decisions lately.  Some areas I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, some of the decisions scare me in their importance, some are simply day to day decisions. Decisions ARE important - they determine the course of your life, the path your headed down.  Decisions have also been really complicated and scary  for me sometimes.  There's churning in my hollow spaces, knots of dread in my stomach, swirling vortexes of endless loops in my brain, and a cloudy confusion that warps my perspective and makes everything a little too fuzzy around the edges. 

In the beginning I think I was simply afraid of being wrong.  I wanted so badly to be SuperWoman and perfect that I stopped dead in my tracks when I had to chose a path because there IS no path that leads to perfect.  My goal wasn't realistic.  I cannot be perfect.  I cannot please everyone.  I cannot maintain everything all the time. 

It's time for a shift - for me to redefine - really define - in concrete, articulate, quantifiable and measurable ways my long term personal goals.  I also need to clarify and articulate which basic moral principles guide me the most in my life - which are most important to me that I rely on when making important decisions.

These things when used as a measuring device against life decisions and situations, allow me to deal with decisions in an ....almost......easy manner.  It's amazing.  I have a situation.  I can react several different ways.  I can go through this beautiful process of elimination and logical reasoning and deduction. 

Which choices are contrary to my end goals?  Throw those choices out.  It doesn't matter if I really really really really want it or if the other options are way harder - if it doesn't line up with my basic morals and long term personal goals, it's not an option for me.  After throwing the ones that don't measure up out - I'm typically left with a few options that result in consequences that are in the direction I want to go.  I feel liberated.  Relieved.  Free.  It's like trying to cut a piece of ham with a spoon all your life, and then someone hands you a sharp knife and a fork.  Eureka!  TOOLS!  They WORK!

So I get the awesome chance to create this amazing tool to measure my decisions up against. I'm SO excited.  What do I want in my future?  How do I want my life to progress?  What are my dreams?  What things do I want surrounding me?  What things do I want to celebrate in my life?  Because each decision I make is celebrating a way of life I'm chosing for myself

.....which means it's time to sit down and be a schedule list making glitter goddess!  Why glitter?  Because it makes the calendars and graphs so much prettier!

Becoming Beautiful

Per my last post, I believe Beauty is through Understanding.  I've been hyper focused lately on developing into a person I can be proud of - a person that I respect.  I had an epiphanatic moment today and realized I should be able to clearly define those aspects that I'm striving to incorporate into my life.  So, while gathering information on the subject - attributes of people with character, what constitutes 'having integrity', etc... I ran across something that posed some good thoughts and questions.

What am I trying to accomplish?  Why do I want to accomplish it? Where to I want to go with my growth? How will I go about the process? Who is motivating me and who is supporting me during this?

Which, while basic in nature, made me stop and think.  What am I trying to accomplish?  I say I want to become a better person, a person with good character, a person with integrity, but what does that mean? Those words are ambiguous at best, and translatable, and mutable to many different meanings.  As a friend of mine once told me - This is why we have dictionaries - to use words appropriately.  If you can't find a word that means what you mean, keep looking until you find one that does.

I want to have a strong ethical character - clearly defining my guiding principles and values. I also want to have positive traits and develop new skills to use throughout my lifetime. So following up on that, what does ethics, values, traits and skills mean?  (I'm stealing definitions here, 'cause I found them and I like them.)

Ethics are basically the body principles used to decide what's right, good, and proper.  It governs your Morality and provides a means to evaluating and deciding among competing options.

Values are attitudes about the worth of people, concepts, or things. Values are important as they influence a person's behavior to weigh the importance of alternatives.

Skills are the knowledge and abilities that a person gains throughout life. The ability to learn a new skill varies with each individual. Some skills come almost naturally, while others come only by complete devotion to study and practice.

Traits are distinguishing qualities or characteristics of a person, while character is the sum total of these traits. There are hundreds of personality traits, but I'm going to focus on those that I think are most important for me to have, and those that are important for me to work on.

At this point, I pause.  One, because it's getting late and my weekend is *BEYOND* packed full of things to do, and another because tackling the idea of identifying, defining, refining, and integration of complex ideas like ethics, and values - seeking out specific skill sets and personal traits to analyze is a bit much for my brain right now.

Trial through Fire.

Life's been extremely difficult in "This is hard, and painful, but it's good for me" way. Difficult and trying. A period that wears down your outer layers, the storm tumultuous and battering your will, stripping you are down to a hard core of who you really are as person. Letting me realize that I have the power to shape that into who I want to be.


I want to do that **right**! I want to become the sort of person I can be proud of. I want to be an example of integrity, of love, and wisdom. I want to be a wise woman. I want to grow and blossom and be beautiful inside and out. What will embellish, outline, and distinguish that beauty will be the Trueness to Self I portray.

I am learning through difficult circumstances. These are periods of endurance to test of my character. These are times of the greatest potential to learn who I really am. I believe knowing who you are lies at the root of everything. We are our own universe. Most our lives are lived completely in our head. The only way we experience our environment is through our powers of perception. Everything is filtered through Self. Awareness of the Conscious and Mastery of the Self leads to Understanding.

Understanding is Beauty.

I want to be Beautiful.

Random Conversations I've had and Things I've Learned Today.

Things I think are good for a heartache:

Making a coffee date with awesome people for hugs and talking, to remember you're loved and allow people to take care of you. I find outings and small socialization are helpful, mitigating the moping and vortex power of the "I'm so sad" hole. At the same time I think its important not to ignore your sadness but accept how you feel and take care of yourself while you feel sad.  Some things I do to take care of myself are bubble baths and cuddles, surrounding myself with things that make me happy.  Writing really helps.

I find looking at what that person gave you and the parts you miss about them a melancholy but ultimately positive experience.  You celebrate what you had and the positive things that came out of it.  It somehow balances out the feelings of loss. 

Examining your feelings and not ignoring them is really important.  Are you sad that you were rejected? Are you sad because you feel you'll always be alone? Are you sad because you feel like no one understands you or are you sad because you lost a good friend? Taking the time to look at the thing that hurts and letting yourself feel it and letting it out. And then moving on. Because life is beautiful and sad and wonderful at the same time. And tomorrow will always come. With rebirth and renewal and challenges and surprises. 

The Importance of Compliments in Adult Life

Whether this is my upbringing, my basic personality, or the way society influences my gender, or my experiences throughout life - wherever this stems from - I feel a compulsion, a driving need, to express to others how much I appreciate them, what they mean to me, how fortunate I feel to have them in my life, and the beauty I see in them. 

I don't know why this is so important to me. Maybe it's because it means so much to me to hear those things from others?  Perhaps its because I believe most people are hyper critical of themselves and need to be reminded of why they are beautiful, amazing, wonderful people.  Maychance it's the happiness I get from sharing that joy that that person gives to me. 

I've found during my adult life there are some people who have a lot of problems with compliments - both giving and receiving.  Some subtly - so subtle if you're not paying attention to it you won't catch it - redirect the conversation, or slide around it once a compliment is given to them.  I've noticed this occurs in males a lot more than females.  I'm not sure why, but it seems that way.

I think it's very important to be able to give and receive positive comments that are nourishing, that make others feel joy and warm fuzzies.  I also personally believe its a fundamental element of a healthy happy relationship.

I had lots of beautiful examples growing up on how to give and receive compliments.  I remember there was a list on my fridge when I was small - before I started preschool - of "1,000 compliments to give your child."  There were days I would stand at the fridge and just read through them.  My mother frequently told me how smart and pretty and amazing I was.  I was raised in a very loving and verbally positive and nourishing environment.  Others weren't so lucky.  I'm realizing now that being able to give and receive compliments is simply a social skill some people weren't taught or weren't exposed to early on, so are less comfortable with it.

Which got me thinking....what are some basic skills in being able to give and receive compliments. 

Some people don't know what to say in return.  "Thank you" is always a good fallback when someone gives you a compliment. Or a reciprocal thing like "I appreciate your XXX." Like..."...your smile" or "communication style." or "silliness." Or simply "I'm happy you're in my life." True statements.  The point isn't to say nice things to say nice things, but to express to the other person the parts of them you really do enjoy and are appreciative for.

I also had a mass of things to think about concerning communication, who and when and how to say things.  But that's not as simple.  And I have my birthday party to whisk off to....so it'll have to wait for later.

Univeral Bitch-Slapping and Poker in a Dark Room

Neil Gaiman I think sums up how I feel about the universe sometimes (I'm changing "God" and "He" to "Universe" and "It".  Cause I can.)

"The Universe does not play dice...; It plays an ineffable game of It's own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

Massive humongous infinite stakes with blank cards in a dark room with that's blanketed in mystery and confusion.  YAY for CONFUSION!  But sometimes the Universe is nice and sends you a clue.  By smacking you in the face with a "THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO" hand - that's loaded with uranium and hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.  Sometimes the universe slaps other people in the face. Regardless of who's bitchslapped, if I'm in the nearby vicinity, I get a taste of the backhand on the way back around.

There's been some bitch-slapping backhanding lately, but in wonderfully funny ironic manners.  I was talking to a friend of mine about the whirlwind of emotions that center on the "I don't know what to do, or what's right" feelings.  Of feeling insecure and unsure of where you need to go or what choices to make that almost cripples you in the hurricane of confusion that overwhelms. Til you get to a point where you just want to call up the universe and ask pretty pretty pretty please to simply give you a big flashy "This is the right choice" sign surrounded by glitter so it catches your eye.

We kept on talking and I had this "Look, Here's The Answer" thought. 
And then I stopped. 
And laughed. 

Because I was about to give them the advice I need to follow the most.

Look at the facts, look at your emotions. Make a decision about the course of your life (yes, this is scary) and then realize that decision is based in the fundamental essence of who you are. This foundation of the every existence of your being and all the experiences you've accumulated.  You're drawing on decades of information, years of personal development, and a knowledge pool that's not so shabby and really nothing to laugh at.  So your foundation on which you make that decision is freaking strong. So make the decision and HAVE FAITH and BELIEVE that you're making the best decision.

Because  let's face it.  Let's "break it down" (Cause I LOVE breaking things down).  If I could marry a punctuation group, item, it would be bullet points.  They've never failed me yet.  You have three options when making decisions (or not) - you can:

1. Make a Decision and Believe in It
2. Live in a tortured existence of indecision and insecurity waffling back and forth about what you think is right and what other people tell you is right and what you think other people think is right.  What I call the "if you look at it from the other side" syndrome.  There's a million other sides.  You can look at them for ages and go blind.  And in fact, will go blind.  With confusion and indecision.  It will wear down the core of who you are when you second-triple-quadruple-then go back to the second guess and decide to move on the quadruple guessing yourself again-ness.  It sucks.  And it doesn't result in any progress. 
3. Let other people decide your course and decisions in life.

For the majority of my decisions, I live in #1 world.
I mean, I AM bad ass mamojamma.  I don't take no crap from no one.  I'm as strong as an ox.  As wild as a tiger. As subtle as a sledgehammer.  I am an amazing person who holds her own.  Outside influences don't really affect me unless I think they provide useful perspective or information. The stuff that bothers most people? Don't really touch me.

Crazy homeless guy who yells at me and my partner walking down the street, calling us bigoted racists lesbian blah blah blah??  Not a thang at all.  I told my partner it's like someone yelling out at me that I'm a small giraffe in a top hat.  It means nothing.  Someone doesn't like my lifestyle? I don't care.  It's my life and I live it the way I want.  I'm not forcing them to live it, so it's really their issues leaking out.  Why should I care? 

But then.  OH but then.  The IDEA of standing up and choosing my needs and wants over others comes up.  And then I am terrified.  Granted, given my  past history, this is understandable.  Bad things have happened to those around me when I stood up for my needs and wants.  People died.  Now, I know they died not because I stood up for myself, but because they had issues.  But in my brain my needs/wants over others = horrible icky things.  BADNESS incarnate. 

This is when I start swirling into the vortex of #2 and cannot find a foothold. It really upsets me, because #2 isn't productive. It's useless and counter productive. Where did this amazing strong vibrant woman go? Cause frankly, it's at times like these that all I can see is the tiny child that curls up in the back of the closet.  And I don't want her running my life. 

But finding that strength of character, those brass balls of "YES, this is what I NEED.  This is what I WANT.  And it's IMPORTANT enough for me to stand up for it." is somehow one of the most difficult things I've come up against. I know I have them somewhere, I AMANDAZON,  I've got gumption,  I own my own pair of cajones - and they're made of titanium. I've got character, and bad-ass-ness that stems from the roots of my essence of awesome. But coming to making major life decisions about what I want and need? I turn into a wet noodle that can't decide whether its overcooked or squished out.

And that's where my insight ends.  I know the situation - which is progress.  But I don't know whether I just need to balls up and risk the jump to - - enforce the boundaries of my needs and wants, or to focus on the roots of the fears that cause my blockage, or where I go from here. 

So I'm sitting here in the pitch black room, playing my blank cards, guessing at the rules.  Hoping the Universe that's sitting across the table won
't smack me upside the head again, maybe this time it'll throw me a bone (or a neon flashing sign - seriously I would be SO grateful) and help me figure out which choice to make, or where to go.

I have a sinking suspicion however, that this whole 'figuring it out' thing, is the lesson I'm really supposed to be learning.