Thought for the Day

I was raised on "Thought for the Day" ~ I love them and continue to do my own version each and every day.  Another way I get thoughts for the day is through my mother.  A very spiritual person, she sends out "Thought for the Day/Prayer Requests" emails.  Usually her 'thoughts' are spot on and very meaningful to me.  Today's is no exception - this one has been meaningful all of my life, Anais Nin's quote is one I adore, and I wanted to share. 

Lessons repeat themselves until we learn them.   

Sometimes we hear a wake-up call but prefer to pull the covers over our heads so we can slumber and dream a little longer.  We may ignore, resist, rationalize, or deny reality for a considerable time.  That’s okay – our schooling is entirely self-paced, but the lessons keep coming until our actions change.

If we don’t learn the easier lessons, they get harder.  

 Resistance to learning (or change) reaps more dramatic consequences over time – not to punish us but to get our attention.  As Anaïs Nin wrote, “There came a time when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

We learn and grow through challenges, 

and every adversity has hidden gifts.   

We’ve all experienced physical, mental, and emotional pain.  Yet each challenge has brought a greater measure of strength, wisdom, and perspective.  We may not welcome a challenge or embrace unexpected change, loss or disappointment, but looking back, and over time, we come to appreciate the gifts of adversity.

This was an excerpt from: The Four Purposes of Life: Finding Meaning and Direction in a Changing World by Dan Millman

Feeling Better!

I'm feeling lots better, I might do an update as to what's happened later, but for now, that's all that matters.

There's been a lot of changes in my life 

and I went through some really difficult times in the past year, 

but the awesome thing is, each day is a new beginning.  

Here's to beginning again!

Several times this year, I felt like my life was falling apart, 

or I was falling apart, but it turns out, 

the things I didn't need anymore were falling away

and leaving awesome in their place.

It's through all the things

I've determined

 I DON'T want in my life anymore

that I'm left with a clear picture of what

I DO want in my life.

I've developed a strong belief that 

no matter what happens 

or what comes my way

I'll be okay.

I really will.

Because I'm awesome.

So no matter what's going on,

or how awful things may feel,

Diagnosis

Follow the symptoms
back to the source.
To understand
how to correct
the erred paths
that the body
and mind
have taken.

What Feeling Better Feels Like

Watching sunrises
over mountains in the distance
from a penthouse window.
While the smell of coffee brewing
wafts over from the kitchen,
and music plays in my ears.

Thank you,
Universe,
for all you've given me.

Health Update: Fibromyalgia

As a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:

Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.

My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms.

This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.

I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period.
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks.

Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward.

In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health.  And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.

I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better. 

Thank you all so much,

Amanda


This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness: http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079

Random Happy

Hello random happy.

It's nice to see you here,

for the sun is shining,

and even underwater,

everyone is dancing.

Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation Artist

I see things like this float around on faceboook:


5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!!!
(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.


And I want to post rants about it.  I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true.  Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another.

It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated.  I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating when you say what you mean, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.

So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above.  Think about what you really mean.  AND THEN SAY IT.

HONEST COMMUNICATION is a RADICAL concept.
Embrace your radical nature.
Communicate

Fibro Hell

Sick.  Not feeling Well.  Under the Weather.   I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'.   Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me.  I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs.  Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today. 

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense.  I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over.   My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away.  My knee?  Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix.  Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift. 

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up.  It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.


I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

bits of broken thoughts....

~.~
The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

~06.09.11~
My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
spreading,
decaying.
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.

Fork Ring

spiny tines
entertwined
on the finger
that says
Fuck You.

Delve

Waves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.
Sinking in effervescent bubbles
into the darkness that looms from below.
Vast and immense,
fathoms upon fathoms deep.
Then the world shifts
rainbow paths shimmer into view,
woven among the tangled brambles
on the rocky shores below.
Paths winding towards
clearings where aquamarine blues
smooth your way across and down.
The brambles only damaging
when you stray too far.
Winding down deeper,
the shimmering light leads you on.
And the pressure shifts
the farther down you go.
Your body compensates,
evolving it's parameters,
limits expanding.
You grow.

NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing. 

So I say

"No!"  

The two year old screams in my head, "NO!"  I don't want to.  You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable.  A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others.  But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage.  She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you.  Please, let me.  Can I help with that?  Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?"  She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way.  She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own.  She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind.  Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience.  Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards.  To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

"Here.
You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".



This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days.  It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating.  I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me.  I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me.  I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival.  Because if she says "No.", no one will love her.  If she says "No", people will think she's mean.  If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead.  Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries.  By saying "No" when I mean it.  And repeating it until necessary.  Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside.  They keep you safe.  Boundaries say - "Here.  Here is where I am.  You are over there - as in not in here.  Me - over here.  You - over there.  THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

 
I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them.  I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes.  To summarize my mini-rant -

• If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
• Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
• Boundaries are extremely important.
• Consistency and Honesty are the key

Twisted Tangles

Twisted barbs of past memories
slash through me.
I am bruised and bleeding,
bound and tangled
by the weight
of my misguided feelings of responsibility.
Guilt ridden sobs choke me -
I'm lost in the deep dark waters of self-loathing.
The waters run deep and run so cold.
Swirling the pieces of my broken thoughts
until they impaling my mind
with thier jagged glass edges
slashing through the trembling beams
of my self-esteem.
Until it all falls down.
~.~

I harbor within my memory
a refugee.
Displaced and in pain,
Her home burned,
her future uncertain,
her loved ones destroyed.
She's foreign to me now,
from places and times
that're now hard to recognize.
I provide her a solitary haven,
a refuge for her to heal her pain.
But she holds it too close for her to let go.
She guards it with tightened fists
and angry determination.
She clings to it with a desperate need.
Because it fills her up.
It makes her whole.
I let her give it up -
bit by painful bit.
One sob at a time.
There is no rush -
She can hold onto her grief
her sorrow,
for as long as she wants.
No one's going to take it away.
That's not what makes a home.
It's not a place of sorrow.
It has the potential to be a place of safety.

Inward

Curling around myself,
my limbs fold back on themselves-
reducing the amount I touch the world
the amount the world touches me.
Shoulders upward, inward,
arms folding in like origami
resting in the hollow of my breasts,
a secure nest made by my ribcage.
Hands relaxing in,
holding the reverberations of my heartbeat
against my breastbone.
Head relaxing in the hollow of my shoulder,
negative space taken up with positive.
Eyes closed,
There is safety here.

04.07.11 Connections

Iridescent threads

wrapped and woven around each other

looped about,

impossible to trace back,

twisting in between and

through you -

          and her -

                and him -

                          and me -

                                        and we.

Surrounding us.

It's an intertwined tapestry

of ideas and beliefs...

glowing with the

changing morphing beauty

of each person's hopes and dreams.

Taking the wear and tear  from daily life

distributing it out,

each strand standing strong

because they stand together.

A way to soften the blows

that will always come.

Supporting itself

by the concurrent will and strength -

The wisdom 

inherent in each strand,

each being,

each beautiful unique piece.

A work of art in perpetual motion.

I have a dream!

."....And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream....."

I have a dream, that one day - I will have a room.
A room in a house that I already call my home - a room that's mine.
I have a dream that it will be judged not by the pink of its walls, or the sheen of its translucent patterns so decoratively stamped, or the plush of its carpet, but rather by the sum of its parts.  The essence of it's awesome.

For it will be awesome.  Oh, how its awesomeness will shimmer and shine.

I moved into a community house a few weeks ago, and the re-doing of the room has been all consuming.  The past beautiful Sunday morning I took a break in between stripping multiple layers of paint off of the baseboards and ripping out some more baseboards to sit back and think about all that I have left to do, and how far I've come.

The process has been frustrating, exhilarating, cathartic, exhausting, anxiety producing, fun, a bonding experience, and very educational.   Two and a half weeks, already, of sleeping on the couch upstairs and working just about every day on getting the room up to snuff.  I've accomplished with the help of Elizabeth, one of my housemates, a *lot* in that time frame.

Walls were primered and painted, as well as the ceiling, closet holes were patched, sanded, trim in the closet painted.  Baseboards were ripped out. Believe you me,  there's nothing more Amandazonianly satisfying than standing on a ladder working with a crowbar and hammer ripping wood off the walls.  Elizabeth and I took them out in the back yard and slathered stripper stuff all over them.  The stripper compound looks and smells like orange sherbert.  It's a little disturbing how good it smells since it's uber toxic, but it does a good job.  Elizabeth's been helping out tremendously during this whole process and did a great job of stamping the iridescent translucent glaze in red and violet undertones on my pretty pink walls.

So far, there' only a few things left to do....painting the window, stripping the old paint off the baseboards/sanding/repainting them, patching up a few holes that're left, some touch up paint, and installation of pretty curtains and a new more functional doorknob.  Well, that's what I have left to do.  Menfolk of the house are taking care of the rewiring of some electrical outlets and Internet cables and doing the carpet installation. It's so close to being done I can almost taste it!!  The end is near, and I'm very much looking forward to it. 

One day - soon - my dream will be a reality.

Wish Want Love Covet 5

Blah - so much is happening right now that when I sit down to write a blog post I can't keep it under a bazillion words.  I've moved into a community house in which I'm VERY happy at and am both getting my room ready by painting/capret installation and dealing with the fact all my items are strewn everywhere in boxes.  Today is Friday....a relaxing day (for the moment)....so I thought I'd post up another wish want love covet blog.  No good reason, other than I have some free time and I found some really cute things! 

Squee! I really adore aprons, although most of the ones I like are far too small for my curveacious hips.



http://www.etsy.com/listing/70453864/french-toile-black-white-and-red-half?ref=sr_gallery_9&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade



Oh my goodness this is so incredibly me.  And snazzy like hot.  Yes!



http://www.etsy.com/listing/67573484/stainless-metal-card-case-metal-id?ref=sr_gallery_15&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

This is beyond super cute fantastic - I'm realizing I want the things I own to be both beautiful and meaningful.
This shrug is beautiful!



http://www.etsy.com/listing/70796345/audrey-silk-ruffle-shrug-with-bow-custom?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade



I am always in favor of the key&lock combination.  This is simple, streamlined, gorgeous, and ridiculously priced for what it is.  Things this expensive just drive me nuts.  Beautiful things should not be beyond everyone's budget. 





http://www.etsy.com/listing/56160094/pendant-sterling-with-keyhole?ref=fp_treasury_5





Sooo pretty - celtic designs with red garnets?  Delish!





http://www.etsy.com/listing/65019499/celtic-twist-red-garnet-charm-earrings



Following along on the whole - I love keys thing.....

this necklace is amazing, although perhaps a bit big for my tastes

...................but who knows? Those things change.



http://www.etsy.com/listing/69974280/ravens-wing-skeleton-key-upcycled?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=angels&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade



Yeah, I know......the same ol' same ol' red and black, but it's just so damn sexy!



http://www.etsy.com/listing/56375244/gorgeous-neo-victorian-gothic-lolita?ref=sr_gallery_38&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade







Music and Me!

Mai Li is a friend of mine that I'm using as a guinea pig in an experiment to see how I'd do as a freelance efficiency/organizational/process improving consultant. We had a wonderful get together a few weeks ago and we're getting together next week to discuss the FABULOUS launch party that's happening in May that I'm going to have nifty fun parts in.  While we were discussing the amazingness that will occur, she mentioned there was a youtube video where you can can see bits and pieces of me dancing at the last performance of theirs I went to!

See me dancing? To AWESOME Music!


Mai Li's rad and does amazing music (she's on the electric violin on stage) and she's involved with several bands and has solo things she does -

Mai Li's facebook Page
She put on a "XMas time for Jews" video which went around quite a bit!

The Debaucherauntes is one of the bands she's involved with - Klezmer-gypsy jazz fusion:  Bourgeois Bulletwound is another band she's in, a Rock quartet... with a violin and a bitchin' name!  They have a couple of youtube videos of their songs - Funk/gypsy/blues take on "Ruby Tuesday", "Dreaming of Tomorrow", and a cover of "Purple" (Gogol Bordello) are just a few of the songs they do - they are AMAZING LIVE, so if you're in Seattle tonight for St. Patty's Day, go check out their show at the Ould Triangle!

Decided

Resolute.
Determined.
Purpose Chosen.
Follow Through Required.
Unmistakable.
With Integrity
Settled.
Whole.

What Helps?

Stress.  You know, that thing that's the leading contributor in more major health disorders than I can count.  Constant stress wears you down, breaks you down, physically and mentally. Check it out.  I mean, the long term effects of chronic or perpetual stress is pretty freaking bad.  Seriously.

There's reasons for it though.  Stress is a great indicator of when things are bothering you.  It's a motivator sometimes to address the issue at hand that's stirring up that Fight or Flight response.  Soooooo...I've been working on ways to identify what things calm down stress, or help me deal with it.

1)I learn to notice stress for the indicator that it is, identify the root cause, and realize it's a message and opportunity to change my life for the better, not something I have to live with forever.

2) Have a good cry. Science says that tears actually get rid of chemicals in body created by stress. 

3) Don't deny or repress your emotions, this only compounds stress.

4) Get a massage

5) Use meditation, and/or creative visualization.

6) Get plenty of rest.

7) Take a vacation - 30 minutes, a day, a weekend! Doing nothing or something I love and find relaxing.

8) Dance.

9) Simplify my life in stages. If someone or something habitually causes me stress, I need to examine their presence in my life.

10) Laugh and have fun with someone.  BE SILLY!

11) Remember I still have power over the attitude I take towards the circumstances in my life.

12) Face up to what's causing the stress until it isn’t stressful anymore.

13) Do something nice for someone else.

14) Organizing - doesn't really matter what - it helps.

15) Talking to other people.

16) BEING CRAFTY!

17) Play pretend

18) Bubble Bath

19) Cuddles/Hugs/Pets are always a happy thing. : )