Layers?

Ok, so this is my first EVER attempt at the "layered" look.   I almost didn't take pictures this day. I think I tried on 1/2 my closet.  And then gave up.  And then went "LAST CHANCE" and tried on this top (which is one of my favorites).  Then shrugged at Paul, said "screw it, it'll show my transition over time."  I liked the outfit while wearing it - sort of.  I love the new sweater tights.  I love the $3 denim mini skirt.  But my secret weapon is a plutonium core - I'm ALWAYS warm.  So wearing 4 layers on my lower torso area was kinda driving me nuts.  I felt like a mummy.  I need to shed some of ME before really being comfortable with this look again.  Plus, this helps me realize the sitting position doesn't look as great as standing.                                  So after that rounding bit of "meh" at this outfit, here it is.  My attempt at layering.

And while I was wading through the photos, uninspired by them all,

I figured I'd "Crack out" one of them to just have fun.

Blissed Out.

Okay, I have four "draft" posts and haven't posted anything legit in more than a week.  I know it's Christmas and everything, but it's really not my excuse.  I've been really blissing out here recently.  Absolutely completely just *happy* every day pretty much all day for about a week now.  I'm not sure I could really translate and make people understand why since it's mainly been very mundane, simple, things....but I don't much care.  I'm very very happy.  And that, my friends, is beautiful.

I guess I could explain the fundaments by saying time off from work is beautiful.  Simply beautiful.  I had a great Christmas party at work.  Paul got his kilt I bought him (pictures to come soon).  We did some shopping for that (belts/socks/tights/etc...).  That was super fun.  I've ate amazing food at multiple different restaurants.  I spent some time with some great friends - a good good friend came up from SanFran.  I bonded a lot with Paul (insert adorable "awwwww" here).  Shot pool and drank beer one night a week ago that was beyond amazing.  Got some smashing deals on AMAZING clothes daaaaahrling!!!  Denim mini skirt for $3 or so, which you will see soon in my first attempt at doing the layering look.  (I'm not super happy about the pictures, as I'm always missing one or two pieces crucial to make an outfit work.  But meh.)  I finally found sweater tights for over 1/2 off.  And I've had a few major but beautiful revelations internally regarding what I want out of myself/life that will change my future.  I introduced myself to a couple of gorgeous people one night at our neighborhood bar, and now we have new years eve plans.  And...........

On one bliss ladened day when Paul and I were wandering around, eating and shopping, I ran into a poet who stole my heart from the first time I met his soul in a poem.  I bought a book leather bound from him on the street outside of Denunzios in Pioneer Square a few years ago.  Completely random purchase, but it was absolutely beautiful.  It was a journal of a cross country journey and some poetry sprinkled in.  I devoured it.  After my boyfriend had gone to bed, I crept outside on my little balcony, smoking late into the night with only the glow of twinkle lights wrapped around our balcony to light my way.  I felt raw and exposed.  Loved and challenged by the choices I'd made in my life that I knew weren't what I wanted for myself.  I felt like someone was speaking for the person inside of me I had let die.  And it allowed me to feel like I was with him on that journey across the land and time, feeling what he felt, the ennui, the passion, the fierce freedom and wild need and genuine disdain for the grinding monotony that can ensnare.  Frankly - I felt that it reflected my own soul's journey and I was in love. "Fight, Flight, and Surrender" by Brett McGibbon.

If you read his stuff and understand it - you'll understand me.  The only thing I keep coming back to to help describe why his writing is SO amazing and why I feel so moved by it - is that our souls have traveled down the same path - we may have had different environments, different experiences, different time frames, different outsides - but the essence of who we are is traveling side by side, or in a consecutive line, and his words and feelings resonate with me in an indescribable way.  He's the only writer I've truly felt knows the inner corners of my soul, the essence of who I am.  Feeling as if through his writing and how he expresses himself he has perfectly put every indescribable gnawing gnashing freeing exhilarating experience I've ever experienced.  Gave me a voice to what I had inside when I never thought I'd find mine. He has a good soul/a good heart/a trueness to him that is so very hard to find.  I found him again a few days ago, outside the same restaurant, selling his leather bound books to passerbyes.  I'd searched for him for a while, but never could find him.  And on that day I walked out of that restaurant while he was walking in.  I went back and asked him, "Are you that poet who sold books outside this store." And we had a GREAT conversation.  I cannot wait to talk to him again in person, perhaps a bit more in depth.  So I bought his first novel, Lucifer's Redemption, 8 years in the making.

And every time I read his works, I resolve I'm going take it slow, because when I read it an openness blooms and expounds and transforms peeling off larger and larger layers of honest, pure, lightness of heart.  Emotions become everything.  I guess it's like a personal, emotional, inspirational epiphany.  And invariably every time I devour his words like they will vanish if I don't read them.  I cannot wait to take it all in and feel that amazing feeling of connectedness, the feeling that someone who doesn't even know me really and truly understands me.
I know this (and his website) might be a little hokey, but his writing is amazing.  Please, if you ever get the chance to read one of his books/poetry/journal - do.  Don't wait.  Please.  Go to his website, order something, and give it a chance to change your perspective, perhaps change your heart.

Wish Want Love Covet...

5" Heels? A little much...but I still want them.

Super cute tiny little pretty earings.

I'm in love with strappy suspendery type things lately. 

I desperately need sock garters.  Yes.  Sock garters.

I want them.

And I love Amerian Apparel's tights/leggings/hose. 

These slit leggings look so fashion grunge.

And would add great texture to a lot of things.

These would look bitchen' with my new suspenders. 

Add a little pizzaz.

How hot are these?

That's all I got to say. 

This is the Season's Abundance

So since the sun only comes out once in a blue moon around this time of year, outfit posts are rare.  Here's an outfit that I really like wearing with the abundance from this birthday/christmas bounty.  Part of what I like about it is the versatility in how it comes across.  Although I now need a skirt to go with my fedora.  The jeans were ok, but I'd love (well, jeans that fit) and something a little flareier.  If that's a word.                                        Oh!!!  AND I Got a new haircut - it's asymmetrical, spikilicious and I'm in love with it!

I LOVE these red and black cowboy boots and the purse

was purchased with the birthday gift from Mom Susan.

When I go dancing I wear the really pretty flower my Ranch Mom gave me,

sometimes in my hair, sometimes clipped to my clothes.

The streaks you're seeing in the photos are raindrops.

These earrings/necklace my mamma gave me and they're absolutely beautiful!

The hat I picked up at a placed called VAIN downtown

and I was totally stoked, because it was only $16 and I think it looks great on me. 

I also love this outfit, because take off the hat (so you can see my new haircut), pull the shirt off the shoulders and you get a great view of my first tattoo.

Shirt - thrifted Ross $8

Jeans - thrifted ? $13?

Vintage Boots - $40

Hat purchased VAIN - $16

Purse thrifted $20

Flower - gift

earrings/necklace - gift

You Tube Wanderings

Started out with....Draft Punk's Technologic - FANTASTIC HANDS, since while I'm filling out spreadsheets I sometimes like to rock out to this high awesome beat.  And the to their better harder faster stronger.  I quit that shortly because I started thinking about made me think about the best robot lesbian love music video ever....bjork of course, "All is full of love.  Then randomly went to ....Bad Romance from another blog I was purusing.  And then for some reason I thought of the LOVE SHACK.  And then on to Madonna Vouge.  LOL then "I'm too Sexy" song, which is just hillarious to think that so long ago I thought that was cool. Flashback to the 80's with "Footloose"...Then some meanderings to The Streets - Irony of it All and it's hilarious.  I love English street speak/rap.  So of course, I needed to hit up dans le sac "Thou Shalt Always Kill" which is freaking amazing.  And after some meandering I ended up on William Shatner's "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".  Hilarious.

Green Tea Disease

There's a disease I must warn others about. It's worse than the piggy-flu and much more nasty than any little bug found out there. It's the Green Tea Disease. Now, I like green tea. As Tea. I like healthy food and some "hippie" food too. I honestly like tofu. BUT there is a line. And I inadvertently wandered into the dark side a few weeks ago and needed to share.


I came home from a busy day and needed to make things for a party at work. So I threw some stuff together and while I was whipping stuff up in the kitchen, I found a box stuck way back in the cupboard that was "Green Tea Muffin Mix". It doesn't sound appealing, but it only takes an egg, some water and oil, so I thought why the hell not? It required the same amount of temperature and time as something else that was going in the oven, so why not kill ( or create) two birds (or goodies) with one stone (or stove)?


I popped the liquid ingredients together and then opened the bag *shivers of horror* I was skeptical looking at the box, but smelling the aroma off the dry mix alone sent me into nauseated waves of serious doubt. Since I had already mixed the liquid ingredients (that could not be used for anything else) there was no loss if I went ahead and made them. I tentatively gave a nod to the hope they would turn out better once they cooked. Mixing the wet and dry stuff together was a little more horrific. The mix turned a baby puke green and smelled like...well...what green baby puke would smell like if it was packed with decaying powdery plumes of clay.


Sometime later I peek in the oven and try to not inhale the fumes erupting from the muffin tin. I did facebook and blog type things waiting for them to cook. And cook they did. I pulled them out of the oven and I was *this close* to throwing them away without trying one. I didn't want to try them. But I wanted to know how they tasted. Dilemma time. So I stared at them for a long time. I have Paul, who can't smell very well, so I thought about just giving him one to be my little guinea pig. But decided since I love him I couldn't put him through that without some sort of warning, especially if it made him ill. So I put them in a bag on the counter and stared at them for a while.


Paul meandered in from his den into the kitchen, something that typically happens when I bake. Suddenly there are people right there as soon as the cookies, or bars, or whatever come out of the oven. I was poking tentatively at what I considered "the green abominations" and looked at him.

"They're Green Tea Muffins from the back of the cupboard. I can't try one - it smells too hideous. Nauseating" (See how I'm very clear on my position, letting him know that since _I_ will not eat it, he is under no obligation to.)


He shrugged and said he'd try one. Brave!



After taking a bite he looks at the muffin and then at me. "Tastes like a muffin," he said. "A little odd, but like a muffin."


I squinted suspiciously at him.


He raised the muffin towards my face and I took a sniff of the bitten part. Shivering in disgust, I pulled sharply back and said, "It smells nauseating."


Shrugging, he sauntered back into his den with a muffin in one hand a fresh seven layer bar (Which turned out nicely) on a plate in the other. There is something to be said about a less than sensitive nose.

This has got to be one of the first times I've made something I'll let other people eat without eating myself. But somehow, my self-preservation instincts let me be ok with that. So, in the future, I warn ye wary eaters - Green Tea Muffins = Green Tea Disease.

Self-insight in a REALLY long post.

I grew up really quickly in some ways and have been frequently pegged as being wise beyond my years, or extremely mature. In other ways, though I'm VERY much let the child in the back seat of my brain drive. I've been going through an ongoing lesson about something these last few months, but it came to a head on Friday and I'm struggling with my first concious baby steps today.

You MUST do what you need to do,

ESPECIALLY when you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do it.

Frankly this seems reasonable, logical, and a given - common sense. And for most things that I jsut don't like doing, it doesn't really apply. I can do things I'm not excited about, things I don't care about, or things that are painful, but short lived without too much hemming and hawing. But I have a few things I REALLY REALLY don't want to do or don't like to do or just have an evil aversion to. This main issue recently is getting back on track with my health goals. In this case, the small child living in my brain (don't worry - she's fictionary and doesn't take up too much space) screams at me:

"NO! NO! NO!

I don't WANT TO!

It's not FAIR! It's HAAAAAARD. And I don't want to!

I was going to be all grown up and I could do WHATEVER I wanted

and I wouldn't HAVE to do things I didn't want to do.

That's the only GOOD thing about being a stuipd adult."

I want to be healthy and happy and keep up with my friends during activities. I want desperately to fit into all these pretty clothes that don't fit right now. But I'm feeling this powerful draining aversion to getting started again.

Besides just being a pain in the ass and whining, my child brain whines: Changing my habits are SOoooooo hard. It takes Sooooooo much energy. It CONSUMES all my time and there are SO many things I'd rather do (and eat!). It'll take forever to reach my healthy goal. Not forever, but at least 6 months of intense, life consuming working out and tracking and obsessive counting of calories. I was THERE before. I know how much it takes to get there and stay there and that was when I was excited about it. I'm not now.

But I know it's worth it. For So Very Many Reasons.

Clothes: they have their own section:

1. To fit into all the beautiful clothes I so desperatly want to fit into. And to buy clothes I want to buy instead of being regulated to a small subset of clothes I ONLY fit into.
2. I can buy cute tights (and knee high socks) and not have to worry they'll be too small
3. Right now I can't buy most calf / thigh boots because I have large legs.
4. Garter belts. Garter belts. And then some more.
5. Regular belts will FIT, as of right now my waist is too large for most "normal" belts
6. Pretty sexy under garments - nuff said. Every girl wants them, every guy likes them. They look better on smaller girls.

The rest of the Reasons - the important ones:

1. I won't feel like when my friends make comments of larger people they apply to me. That hurts. It's not something people think of, but it's true. You dislike someone and list their flub/overweight as part of that reason - I weight just as much or more - you're commenting on me too whether or not you want to be, you are.
2. I'll take better pictures for my blog.
3. Less aches - it hurts the knees and back to carry around these extra lbs.
4. To be as attractive on the outside as I feel on the inside.
5. To increase my self-confidence.
6. Simple, stupid, but important-to-me reasons, crossing legs will be easier, I could sit in smaller areas (like the bus and cars) without feeling squished, airplane seas will be ~sort of~ more comfy (they're never REALLY comfortable)
7. To be able to keep up with my friends, or give them a run for their money when we go out together. I'd like to be the one that wears out the last instead of the one that wears out the first.
8. To increase the chances of being healthy enough to have the fibromayalgia suddenly dissapear. Then I can get off the medication. It's a shot in the dark, but the fibromayalgia occurence was from out of the dark as well.

I know the little girl complaining stems from simplistic, base fears. I'm afraid of failing. I know it's MORE of a failure if I don't do anything at all (and ignore it) - but I'm vastly more afraid of trying and failing than I am of not doing it all. And what if I go through all that hard work and end up back where I started? What if I start and it's hard/difficult/painful and I don't possess the strength of will to carry through with it? What will that say about my character? That is what's bothering me most about all of this. What does it say about my character that I continually have problems following through to the end with this? Where is my stamina and my strength of will to do what I need to do when I REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. I'm letting my fear stand in the way of me being who I want to be. And that's not like me.

So I'm starting over - againagainagainagain, even though I said was starting "again" in this post. I sounded very gung-ho there. Really excited. Super into it. Problem was I got myself psyched up and was relying on my enthusiasm and my "stoked about it" feelings to keep me going. When that ran out (pretty quickly) I had no backbone of structure for myself to rely on. My attention wavered. I got interested in fashion, I started making jewelery, I started making some clothing pieces, sewing by hand. All of these I started to get SUPER exctied about. And like a child, where I saw shiny pretty I ran off to and left my obligations behind. And at this point I have an obligation to meet my goals set oh-so-long ago to be healthy and achieve my target weight. An obligation to myself, to those around me who love me (if I'm healthy it'll be more time they can spend with me later on and I'm happier when I'm healthy).

So I'm going to do these things that I'm afraid to do. I'm going to give myself reasons why I can instead of reasons why I can't. I want qualities like determination and bulldog tenacity to something I want (even if I'm afraid of what it might take to get there). So I'm going to act as if I already have them. Because I know even though I don't have the enthusiasm *now* I will in a while (not a day or two, but a month or so). Because after I start doing it, the motivation will come naturally. Milton Garland: "My advice is to go into something and stay with it until you like it. You can't like it until you obtain expertise in that work. And once you are an expert, it's a pleasure." Not like I'm expecting to become an expert, but good enough to know a thing or two. Besides, "That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember." Thomas Fuller.

Basically, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be proud of the strength of will and power I posses not only mentally, but eventually strength and power physically as well. And some sexieness to boot. 'Cause that never hurts.

So....to the gym tonight. My plan is still to do something along the lines of a sprint triathalon, although the one in july I was planning for is all sold out. So a revamping of short term-mid term- and long term goals is required.

You know - this really isn't all that bad though, going through this back and forth IF I really learn the lesson this time. It takes some people a LONG time to learn simple lessons like this one. That's what life is. So all I need to do to make ALL this time "wasted" actually worth it is to take to heart that:

I MUST Do What I Need To Do....

ESPECIALLY When I Really REALLY Really Don't Want To Do It.

It could be worse....

Ok, Yesterday I was going to have a little MergleBurgleMucmbleSmchumble meandering about my morning blah and irritation the last couple of days thus far. But then I left to grab a bite to eat and in our elevators there are TVs (Horrible, I know, but it's my 30 seconds of news everyday) And the headline was New York: Man Stuck in Cesspool. I thought - Wow, that's got to suck. You know, my endless meeting minutes taking and typing isn't too bad. And the whole me-not-knowing-what-to-wear - pulling everything out of my closet, trying everything on, knowing if I don't PUT CLOTHES ON I'll miss my bus thing totally get puts into perspective. So. When you think you're day is sucking like nothing else, or you're just having a moderately "Meh" day. Think - it could be worse. You could be stuck in a cesspool.

Some Giveaways

Really nice Kichenaid Mixer Giveaway.

Also a necklace giveaway.

YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

OK, ok, ok.

(I'm excited)

I GOT THE BOOTS

for my birthday!!!!!

They're pretty and sexy and fit well and the heel is perfect and they're stable and gorgeous and awesome and I love them....I really REALLY REALLY Love them!

(thank you SO much Mamma!)

Birthday Outfit Post

Ok, I read other fashion bloggers. I look at the pictures they've posted of their outfits. All I'm going to say is bear with me while I learn what poses are good, which aren't, etc... and thanks to Paul for taking these. The lighting is a bit much (finally - Sun came out in Seattle!), and Paul might fix them later on, but I'm horrible with editing photos, so I'm going to post as is.

There are a couple of things about this outfit. 1. Everything is given, made, or thrifted except for the tights (American Apparel).

Kerchif was thrifted for $6

Leather Jacket thrifted last year for ~$35?

Shirt given to me

"Key to my Heart" earrings and necklace made by me.

White pleated skirt thrifted for $2

Wide belt (a new bday purchase!) $2.75

Leather Gladiator Platform Shoes thrifted $30 - a little much for me and shoes, but they FIT and they're HOT.

Red Purse thrifted for $4

Check out the 2nd to last image - my eyes are so green!

My bday was wonderful. Thank you to all who called and wished me well! (especially my mom!) and thanks for the gifts! "Ranch Mom" (Paul's mom) gave me a beautiful flower hair clip similar to the one I wished for in an earlier post. Susan Mom (Rich's mom) was so kind and gave me a beautiful card with some finances that let me buy this wonderful belt, along with an Awesome Kenneth Cole Purse, which will show up soon - believe me. Thanks to everyone else!!!

I had a wonderful breakfast at Besalu - Seattle's best pastry shop with my neighbor Scott. Paul and I thrifted until Shana whisked Paul and I away for good coffee and a surprise massage which WAS AMAZING. Good beer and food at Die Bierstube. A night of couch cuddling and sleepy dreams awaits, so I must away!

Boot and Belt Madness

I'm in love with boots, but with large feet (size 11, or 42 European) it's practically impossible to find good boots in my size. In face I frequently have to go to ...um...more..."slutty sites" is really the only appropriate term I can think of. Tranny sites also have my size in boots. Go figure. Anyway, I stumbled across this site which has some actually cute shoes in my size. Mmm.. add to the covet list. Ignore the half naked ladies that were included in the pictures. I will NOT be dressing like them.

And for the belts. I have ONE belt currently I bought in high school. I realized this morning that I am going to fantasize about having some more right now. Since my boyfriend originally got laid off in June, this is the first time I'm really feeling the >crunch<>

Back to the belts, though. I have a love hate relationship with them. I love the idea of them. I need them when I lose weight and my pants start to drape, but they hate to look good on me. I have to be SUPER careful about which belts I wear, as my curvy waist doesn't always look great in all belts, especially with the big and chunky bright belts which seem to be the most recent fad. I've been looking at every store I go to but nothing stands out to me. What can I say? I'm picky. But I think it's well worth it to be picky.

This is a wide belt I could totally dig.

I LOVE this "equestrian belt". Can't really explain why...the mild bondage aspect to it (I love that look), or the clean lines with the simple accents?

Gotta have a red patent leather belt in your arsenal.

Not sure if I'd wear this with my fashion aesthetic, but I'm intreguied by this Autumn Belt

Wish Want Love Covet 2

Such a cute top - very versitile - very girl-scouty (which I sucked at, by the way)

I LOVE the pink and the little details

I REALLY want some more very feminine blouses.

Can't see the detail very well with this picture,

but this would also be a great versitile piece. The bow makes me smile.

This is AMAZING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the roses.

SO sleek but feminine too. I love flouncy,

and I think I'd be able to pull off the flounsy-ness of it.

So adorable. Mink and Bow Headpiece. Yay.

A girl friend of mine and I went browsing last Sunday and she kept putting hats on me. We laughed like girly-girls. It was SO fun. She lives a couple states away and that makes me a little sad, because I LOVED hanging out/browsing with her. She's adorable like me in an alpha-female, don't take crap, but still giggly way.

SuperWoman

In high school my teacher/coach/mentor/father figure once told me I needed to quit trying to be SuperWoman. I kept trying to do everything and be everything everyone needed and be perfect all the time. Blame it on my personality, my birth position, my astrological sign, my parents, whatever. It's in me. And I really loved the idea of being SuperWoman, being the one everyone (including myself) could count on, but it never worked. I'd try to do too many things. And I didn't quite get that being human meant sometimes, most times, well almost all the time - you're never perfect and SuperWoman was a crazy chick who fought crime with a ridiculous outfit. Seriously. Who fights crime in bright red and blue with just a tiny skirt, flashing her undies, and an upper chest that rivaled Barbie's?

I still tried. And I got burnt out. I grew up some since then, but sometimes when I flag or lose energy or spunk I think I'm not doing that much - this should be simple! So I relearn that some days a few things is too much. Somehow I still think I should be able to get up early, be domestic, have me time, go to work, come home, go to the gym to work out, spend some time blogging, bake some more Christmas cookies/candies, watch some TV with the boy, and do the dishes and still get to bed early. It doesn't really happen that way.

So I fight with the SuperWoman in my head. Telling her it's all right to chill out and be a little broken. It's important to take time to rest and get the mental/emotional/physical parts working again before trying to save the world, or make it a better place. I'm learning I have a lot of patience for just about everyone but myself. Sometimes getting tired at the thought of getting though the next long day. But as corny as it is..."this too shall pass"...does help. Nothing is permanent - everything is transitory. And this long day will pass and there will be a brighter (albeit a colder one in Seattle) the next day.

When I need reinforcements, I do turn to these saying that've been passed down through the years. Must have a grain of wisdom if it's been around long enough to be a proverb, right?

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. ~Abraham Lincoln

To Do List

Friend asked me today

what my long term plans are

After not much thought, I had my response

"Surviving"

I'm not fighting against the world

not myself

nor am I hiding.

I'm present and accounted for,

though right now,

I'm not sure how much actually counts.

I'm doing my best,

but I won't break myself to get there.

At times,

all you can do is just deal.

It was at the top of my to do list today

Surviving.

/ Check. /

A few links to some giveaways....

Here's one for some awesome jam!

And another from Fantastically Frugal - Awesome prizes!

Another for a pair of designer earrings from Kara and Brooke Designs.....