Rising Dawn

Diagnosis

2011-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Follow the symptoms
back to the source.
To understand
how to correct
the erred paths
that the body
and mind
have taken.

What Feeling Better Feels Like

2011-09-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Watching sunrises
over mountains in the distance
from a penthouse window.
While the smell of coffee brewing
wafts over from the kitchen,
and music plays in my ears.

Thank you,
Universe,
for all you've given me.

Health Update: Fibromyalgia

2011-08-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

As a general update as to my health to my loved ones and friends:

Recently, I have been very ill. As most of you know, I have fibromyalgia. Since it is not a wide-known condition, if you are not familiar with it, please see the articles and information sources listed at the bottom of the post. This will help reduce questions you may have and allow you to have a better frame of reference for what I am going through.

My fibro has been flaring up increasingly frequency and intensity over the last few months to a point where it's been pretty crippling. I'm having difficulty keeping food down, the pain I feel is pervasive throughout my body, I have chronic fatigue and insomnia, among a myriad of other symptoms.

This has been very difficult for me ~ especially this informing those who love and care about me about what I've been going through. My Amandazonian SuperWoman fashion of tanking my way through it has led me to downplay talking about it as much as I should have. I know I'm ill, but I don't want my illness to define me
Rest assured I am taking multiple steps to get well.

I have lost over 40 lbs, I've changed my diet, exercise regularly - even if it's just a walk on bad days. I saw my doctor on Friday and we discussed treatment options. I've gotten some relief from the pain, inflammation, and insomnia through a combination of new medication and vitamins/herbs/stretching exercises. I also discovered I was having a negative reaction to one of my medications, and saw a specialist in regards to that. I know have a team of specialists who are assisting me with various courses of treatment during this time period.
I feel very confident that the various lifestyle and medicinal treatments will have a positive effect, and that I will recover from the severity of the flare up I'm struggling with right now. With the treatment options and adjustments I'm making I expect to have a better understanding of how treatment is progressing in 2-3 weeks with hopefully a marked improvement by 6 weeks.

Due to all this, I've been absent at work fairly frequently, which has led my employer to request I take time off to get better. At this point, I am unable to work. So I am in contact with them to discuss what will happen going forward.

In this same vein, I may have also not responded to texts and/or requests to go out, or seemed a bit off or odd. Please understand if this has happened, it reflects not on you or our relationship, but rather my health. And if I am able to do some things some days, those are turning more into my good days recently.

I don't wish to alarm any of you - simply inform you about what is going on with me, and let you know I am very thankful for the support structure I have - the people I'm fortunate to know and be friends with. The small reminders that I am cared for and loved really do bring a smile to my face, and that is the best way people contribute to helping me feel better.

Thank you all so much,

Amanda

This is a good article helping those who don't have fibromyalgia understand the illness: http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

Fibromyalgia - Wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia - MayoClinic - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079

Random Happy

2011-07-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

Hello random happy.

It's nice to see you here,

for the sun is shining,

and even underwater,

everyone is dancing.

Embrace your Inner Radical Communciation Artist

2011-06-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

I see things like this float around on faceboook:

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN!!!
(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.
(2) NOTHING: means SOMETHING & you need to be worried.
(3) GO AHEAD: this is a dare, not permission, DO NOT DO IT.
(4) WHATEVER: A womans way of saying SCREW YOU.
(5) THAT'S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.

And I want to post rants about it. I know people think it's funny, but it's only funny because it's so freaking true. Screw 'women' or 'men' they all have their speech patterns that say one thing and mean another.

It drives me nuts and makes me so frustrated. I think all that is just evidence of how poor communicators people have become. If something is *not* okay, say it's *not* okay!!! Mixed signals are funny to everyone who doesn't have to receive them. How much easier would it be to say "I don't like xxxx" than to live your life unhappy and miserable saying things are "Fine" over and over? Seriously, communication is only communicating when you say what you mean, otherwise, it's just confusing. And life is far too confusing already to add to it.

So for those of you who say "Go Ahead" when you really mean "That would really upset me, I'd rather we did XXX together instead, as I miss time with you." (Or WHATEVER) Take a moment before you utter one of those phrases above. Think about what you really mean. AND THEN SAY IT.

HONEST COMMUNICATION is a RADICAL concept.
Embrace your radical nature.
Communicate

Fibro Hell

2011-06-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

Sick. Not feeling Well. Under the Weather. I tell people I'm having a 'flare up'. Which frankly I think most of the time they view to be this mysterious 'something' that overtakes me. I get quiet, I don't smile as much, I'm a little slow, I make funny noises going up and down stairs. Unless, of course, they too have experience with chronic pain, then they nod in understanding.

I missed three days of work last week.

I hate feeling like I have to *prove* to others I really *am* sick. That yes, I cannot make it into work today.

It takes me up to five minutes on bad days to simply stand up out of bed because the pain in my joints is so intense. I'm in grinding binding spearing pain in my shoulders and hips. And knees. And neck. Sometimes to be touched feels like someone hit me with a heavy fist. I hurt. All over. My shoulder feels as if it's _NEVER_ in place, but simply grindsgrindsgrinds away. My knee? Wonky off center grinding burning to add to the mix. Sprinkle in a malfunctioning brain that is trapped behind a heavy fibro fog that refuses to lift.

With this pain, I don't sleep very well. I can't get comfortable to a point where I can sleep. Even if I cover my shoulder in ice packs and put a heating pad on my knee. I woke up four times on Wednesday and found whole limbs asleep. I had to pick them up and position them to where they would get blood circulation again. And then there's a different kind of stabby ice pick needle pain to process.
Most of the time I'm awake I spend it either thankfully being distracted by something, or internally grimacing trying to process the pain that I'm feeling. That, of course, shows no outward signs. I may limp a little, or hunch my shoulders more, but I can't point to something and have people see my pain.

Socializing is also really difficult when I have a flare up. It's a major effort to focus when someone else speaks, because I hear them through a fog of exhaustion and glaring red lights of agony that are clamoring for my attention. Sometimes it's too difficult to attempt to speak and formulate sentences that are coherent. There's not a lot on my brain other people want to hear about and it's just too much effort to form the words. So a lot of the times I'm pretty quiet when I have a flare up.

I'm just tired of trying to get other people to grasp that I'm not canceling on them because I 'don't feel like it', but rather, I don't feel like I can leave the house and function well enough not to throw up, or grimace in pain continually, or focus long enough to pay attention to their words.

bits of broken thoughts....

2011-06-09T15:35:00.001-07:00

~.~
The world is very busy with itself
So many parts, churning,
grinding, maneuvering around each other
through and against each other.
Burying the meaning in mindlessness.

~06.09.11~
My dreams eat at me.

It's in the faded parts
of shadow dream memories
that I see.
I see the pit of the fruit
I wasn’t supposed to eat.
Slick with juice,
Soft and bruised,
Colors pulsing,
flavors shifting,
the fruit turning to dirt
then dust
on my tongue
The rot consumes,
spreading,
decaying.
I consume the fruits
borne of twisted stories
in a mind
that eats at itself on the inside.

Fork Ring

2011-05-25T13:39:00.000-07:00

spiny tines
entertwined
on the finger
that says
Fuck You.

Delve

2011-05-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

Waves of glass colored epiphanies wash over me,
each more poignant and meaningful than the one before.
Sinking in effervescent bubbles
into the darkness that looms from below.
Vast and immense,
fathoms upon fathoms deep.
Then the world shifts
rainbow paths shimmer into view,
woven among the tangled brambles
on the rocky shores below.
Paths winding towards
clearings where aquamarine blues
smooth your way across and down.
The brambles only damaging
when you stray too far.
Winding down deeper,
the shimmering light leads you on.
And the pressure shifts
the farther down you go.
Your body compensates,
evolving it's parameters,
limits expanding.
You grow.

NO! (A mini-rant about boundaries)

2011-05-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.

So I say

"No!"

The two year old screams in my head, "NO!" I don't want to. You can't make me.  She stomps her pink jelly clad foot down and is unmovable. A giant among 2 year olds, weighing less than a sack of potatos, she still is able to stand in my imagination like an iron willed child goddess of pure determination rooted powerfully in her stance and unmoved by words and actions of others. But if something comes up - like a cookie - she suddenly gets distracted by the bonus and forgets what she was saying "No!" to.

Another interloper snuck into my mind under the cover of darkness during my marriage. She whispers and coos from the shadows, flitting just in perspective, grabbing other's needs and wants and responsibilities right and left, "Here, let me take that from you. Please, let me. Can I help with that? Of course I can do that for you, is there any other way I can assist?" She's quite popular in that use-her-and-abuse her way. She's flexible, easy to get along with, and makes every one's life easier....but her own. She stays in the shadows because that's all that's left of herself.  Piece by piece she's nibbled upon until there's only the thought of a ghost left. She's worn down and wrung out, a wraith of a woman.

Diametrically opposed perspectives are beneficial sometimes, they help you see the larger picture, for the more angles you look at something, the easier it is to see the whole thing.   But these two - the defiant child and acquiescing woman exist simultaneously in my mind. Both of their perspectives are flawed and they cause confusion when they chatter at me at the same time. It's not the most pleasant experience. Luckily, there's a middle ground I've been working my way - slowly and difficultly - towards. To be there, relaxed and present, and in a strong firm voice to say -

"Here.
You see this line?
It's called my boundary.
I made it just for you
with my welfare
and your welfare in mind.
I'm smart and intelligent.
My judgement is sound.
I know what I need and what I want.
Respect me by
respecting my boundaries.
Listen when I say "No".

This comes to mind because recently I've had an interaction in which I've needed to say "No." to someone - and reiterate that against position frequently over a period of several days. It's been incredibly challenging for me since the waif of a wife woman wants me to give in and the child is distracted by shiny things and then comes back to stomp her foot....and then goes away again.  It's been a painful process of finding that balance - that voice - in between the two.

It's also been exceedingly frustrating. I'm angry at needing to go through this process, and angry that something as simple as saying "No" is badly triggering for me. I'm trying to retrain that waif of a wife woman to stand up for herself - and she's fighting me. I'm taking away her mode of operating, something she believes is essential to survival. Because if she says "No.", no one will love her. If she says "No", people will think she's mean. If she says "No." she's putting herself before others - so selfish!  And even though the two year old can say "NO!" well, she needs to learn that just because a cookie shows up, doesn't mean she should say "Yes" instead. Consistency AND Honesty are needed in order to operate healthily.

I believe I have an obligation and responsibility to myself and to the various alternative communities to be a good example of a healthy communicator and properly establishing healthy boundaries. By saying "No" when I mean it. And repeating it until necessary. Creating boundaries is so important.  Boundaries keep things you don't want in on the outside. They keep you safe. Boundaries say - "Here. Here is where I am. You are over there - as in not in here. Me - over here. You - over there. THIS IS A BOUNDARY"

I'm angry. I'm angry that people do not show respect through their actions, for words are meaningless without the actions to support them. I'm angry that I've been operating in an over-acquiescing way that's unhealthy for me for so long.  I'm angry that people don't listen and angry some people don't show respect for each other. It makes me sad that something *SO* important to me - respecting boundaries, and actively considering how your actions affect another person, asking for consent and respecting the decision given - isn't valued as highly by others.

So yes. To summarize my mini-rant -

If you can't say "No", your "Yes" means nothing.
Saying "No" is something I need to work on.
Boundaries are extremely important.
Consistency and Honesty are the key

Twisted Tangles

2011-05-05T15:52:00.001-07:00

Twisted barbs of past memories
slash through me.
I am bruised and bleeding,
bound and tangled
by the weight
of my misguided feelings of responsibility.
Guilt ridden sobs choke me -
I'm lost in the deep dark waters of self-loathing.
The waters run deep and run so cold.
Swirling the pieces of my broken thoughts
until they impaling my mind
with thier jagged glass edges
slashing through the trembling beams
of my self-esteem.
Until it all falls down.
~.~

I harbor within my memory
a refugee.
Displaced and in pain,
Her home burned,
her future uncertain,
her loved ones destroyed.
She's foreign to me now,
from places and times
that're now hard to recognize.
I provide her a solitary haven,
a refuge for her to heal her pain.
But she holds it too close for her to let go.
She guards it with tightened fists
and angry determination.
She clings to it with a desperate need.
Because it fills her up.
It makes her whole.
I let her give it up -
bit by painful bit.
One sob at a time.
There is no rush -
She can hold onto her grief
her sorrow,
for as long as she wants.
No one's going to take it away.
That's not what makes a home.
It's not a place of sorrow.
It has the potential to be a place of safety.

Inward

2011-04-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Curling around myself,
my limbs fold back on themselves-
reducing the amount I touch the world
the amount the world touches me.
Shoulders upward, inward,
arms folding in like origami
resting in the hollow of my breasts,
a secure nest made by my ribcage.
Hands relaxing in,
holding the reverberations of my heartbeat
against my breastbone.
Head relaxing in the hollow of my shoulder,
negative space taken up with positive.
Eyes closed,
There is safety here.

04.07.11 Connections

2011-04-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Iridescent threads

wrapped and woven around each other

looped about,

impossible to trace back,

twisting in between and

through you -

and her -

and him -

and me -

and we.

Surrounding us.

It's an intertwined tapestry

of ideas and beliefs...

glowing with the

changing morphing beauty

of each person's hopes and dreams.

Taking the wear and tear from daily life

distributing it out,

each strand standing strong

because they stand together.

A way to soften the blows

that will always come.

Supporting itself

by the concurrent will and strength -

The wisdom

inherent in each strand,

each being,

each beautiful unique piece.

A work of art in perpetual motion.

I have a dream!

2011-04-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

."....And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream....."

I have a dream, that one day - I will have a room.
A room in a house that I already call my home - a room that's mine.
I have a dream that it will be judged not by the pink of its walls, or the sheen of its translucent patterns so decoratively stamped, or the plush of its carpet, but rather by the sum of its parts. The essence of it's awesome.

For it will be awesome. Oh, how its awesomeness will shimmer and shine.

I moved into a community house a few weeks ago, and the re-doing of the room has been all consuming. The past beautiful Sunday morning I took a break in between stripping multiple layers of paint off of the baseboards and ripping out some more baseboards to sit back and think about all that I have left to do, and how far I've come.

The process has been frustrating, exhilarating, cathartic, exhausting, anxiety producing, fun, a bonding experience, and very educational. Two and a half weeks, already, of sleeping on the couch upstairs and working just about every day on getting the room up to snuff. I've accomplished with the help of Elizabeth, one of my housemates, a *lot* in that time frame.

Walls were primered and painted, as well as the ceiling, closet holes were patched, sanded, trim in the closet painted. Baseboards were ripped out. Believe you me, there's nothing more Amandazonianly satisfying than standing on a ladder working with a crowbar and hammer ripping wood off the walls. Elizabeth and I took them out in the back yard and slathered stripper stuff all over them. The stripper compound looks and smells like orange sherbert. It's a little disturbing how good it smells since it's uber toxic, but it does a good job. Elizabeth's been helping out tremendously during this whole process and did a great job of stamping the iridescent translucent glaze in red and violet undertones on my pretty pink walls.

So far, there' only a few things left to do....painting the window, stripping the old paint off the baseboards/sanding/repainting them, patching up a few holes that're left, some touch up paint, and installation of pretty curtains and a new more functional doorknob. Well, that's what I have left to do. Menfolk of the house are taking care of the rewiring of some electrical outlets and Internet cables and doing the carpet installation. It's so close to being done I can almost taste it!! The end is near, and I'm very much looking forward to it.

One day - soon - my dream will be a reality.

Wish Want Love Covet 5

2011-03-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

Blah - so much is happening right now that when I sit down to write a blog post I can't keep it under a bazillion words. I've moved into a community house in which I'm VERY happy at and am both getting my room ready by painting/capret installation and dealing with the fact all my items are strewn everywhere in boxes. Today is Friday....a relaxing day (for the moment)....so I thought I'd post up another wish want love covet blog. No good reason, other than I have some free time and I found some really cute things!

Squee! I really adore aprons, although most of the ones I like are far too small for my curveacious hips.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/70453864/french-toile-black-white-and-red-half?ref=sr_gallery_9&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Oh my goodness this is so incredibly me. And snazzy like hot. Yes!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/67573484/stainless-metal-card-case-metal-id?ref=sr_gallery_15&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

This is beyond super cute fantastic - I'm realizing I want the things I own to be both beautiful and meaningful.
This shrug is beautiful!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/70796345/audrey-silk-ruffle-shrug-with-bow-custom?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=collar&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

I am always in favor of the key&lock combination. This is simple, streamlined, gorgeous, and ridiculously priced for what it is. Things this expensive just drive me nuts. Beautiful things should not be beyond everyone's budget.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/56160094/pendant-sterling-with-keyhole?ref=fp_treasury_5

Sooo pretty - celtic designs with red garnets? Delish!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/65019499/celtic-twist-red-garnet-charm-earrings

Following along on the whole - I love keys thing.....

this necklace is amazing, although perhaps a bit big for my tastes

...................but who knows? Those things change.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/69974280/ravens-wing-skeleton-key-upcycled?ref=sr_gallery_4&ga_search_query=angels&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Yeah, I know......the same ol' same ol' red and black, but it's just so damn sexy!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/56375244/gorgeous-neo-victorian-gothic-lolita?ref=sr_gallery_38&ga_search_query=red+and+black&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

Music and Me!

2011-03-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Mai Li is a friend of mine that I'm using as a guinea pig in an experiment to see how I'd do as a freelance efficiency/organizational/process improving consultant. We had a wonderful get together a few weeks ago and we're getting together next week to discuss the FABULOUS launch party that's happening in May that I'm going to have nifty fun parts in. While we were discussing the amazingness that will occur, she mentioned there was a youtube video where you can can see bits and pieces of me dancing at the last performance of theirs I went to!

See me dancing? To AWESOME Music!

Mai Li's rad and does amazing music (she's on the electric violin on stage) and she's involved with several bands and has solo things she does -

Mai Li's facebook Page
She put on a "XMas time for Jews" video which went around quite a bit!

The Debaucherauntes is one of the bands she's involved with - Klezmer-gypsy jazz fusion: Bourgeois Bulletwound is another band she's in, a Rock quartet... with a violin and a bitchin' name! They have a couple of youtube videos of their songs - Funk/gypsy/blues take on "Ruby Tuesday", "Dreaming of Tomorrow", and a cover of "Purple" (Gogol Bordello) are just a few of the songs they do - they are AMAZING LIVE, so if you're in Seattle tonight for St. Patty's Day, go check out their show at the Ould Triangle!

Decided

2011-02-25T13:53:00.000-08:00

Resolute.
Determined.
Purpose Chosen.
Follow Through Required.
Unmistakable.
With Integrity
Settled.
Whole.

What Helps?

2011-02-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

Stress. You know, that thing that's the leading contributor in more major health disorders than I can count. Constant stress wears you down, breaks you down, physically and mentally. Check it out. I mean, the long term effects of chronic or perpetual stress is pretty freaking bad. Seriously.

There's reasons for it though. Stress is a great indicator of when things are bothering you. It's a motivator sometimes to address the issue at hand that's stirring up that Fight or Flight response. Soooooo...I've been working on ways to identify what things calm down stress, or help me deal with it.

1)I learn to notice stress for the indicator that it is, identify the root cause, and realize it's a message and opportunity to change my life for the better, not something I have to live with forever.

2) Have a good cry. Science says that tears actually get rid of chemicals in body created by stress.

3) Don't deny or repress your emotions, this only compounds stress.

4) Get a massage

5) Use meditation, and/or creative visualization.

6) Get plenty of rest.

7) Take a vacation - 30 minutes, a day, a weekend! Doing nothing or something I love and find relaxing.

8) Dance.

9) Simplify my life in stages. If someone or something habitually causes me stress, I need to examine their presence in my life.

10) Laugh and have fun with someone. BE SILLY!

11) Remember I still have power over the attitude I take towards the circumstances in my life.

12) Face up to what's causing the stress until it isn’t stressful anymore.

13) Do something nice for someone else.

14) Organizing - doesn't really matter what - it helps.

15) Talking to other people.

16) BEING CRAFTY!

17) Play pretend

18) Bubble Bath

19) Cuddles/Hugs/Pets are always a happy thing. : )

Wish Want Love Covet 4

2011-02-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

Pretty and Elegant. I like jewerly, and have been wearing more of it more often, but I tend to stay to my tried and true favorites that are comfortable so I'm looking for more things that are pretty and basic and versitile....

http://ny-image2.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.212184350.jpg

I'm also growing out my hair as a part of a multiple layer promise to myself on several things. I can see my bangs now - which is a little weird. And it's quickly going to get to that "In-my-face-I-hate-it-it's-driving-me-nuts" stage. Which isn't really a stage for me so much as a year long patience trying endurance test. There are reasons I'm doing this that superceed the irritation factor. It is worth it. However, I need things to make it pretty during this stage and ways to keep it out of my face....and that means BARRETTES!!!! And HAIRBANDS!!!

This one is pretty, black and white to be versitile, elegant, and sparkly. Though my frienship with Elizabeth, I'm gaining an appreciation for sparkly things.

http://www.amazon.com/Boucle-Black-Collection-Hand-set-Swarovski/dp/B00113EZDI/ref=sr_1_54?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189574&sr=1-54

I LOVE love love LOVE flower barrettes and this one is so feminine and I love the colors.

http://www.amazon.com/Light-Pink-Azalea-Flower-Limited/dp/B00357DIB8/ref=sr_1_19?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297188492&sr=1-19

I enjoy tortishell. I think the rich honey color goes well with my skin and really love the sparkly bits.

http://www.amazon.com/Caravan-Engraved-Barrette-Tortoise-Shell/dp/B003BDC4IY/ref=sr_1_40?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189328&sr=1-40

Again - Elegant, black and white, soft and feathery. Pretty Pretty.

http://www.amazon.com/Black-White-Feather-Headband-Limited/dp/B004C4FJTW/ref=sr_1_95?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297189636&sr=1-95

There is a theme here...... And these are actually two combs facing eachother, so it would be strong enough to hold my fine hair. I don't have very thick hair, so most clips and barrettes slip right out.

http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Hair-Clear-Black-Roses/dp/B0034KEAOA/ref=sr_1_30?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1297190257&sr=1-30

broken heart strings

2011-02-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

Over tensioned strained strings
hopscotch over tangled knots
that're limp and broken.
A mess - unravelling and fraying.
And the melancholy mourning music
that wafts tones
which ring eerily into the silence
....fade.....
Struggling to tune
these warped heart strings of mine,
with no ear for the melody
no key to match to...
Tightening, loosening
Stretching, caressing
Sting by string,
bit by bit
hoping the tune
will sing a brighter song
in the days to come.

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/447880/447880,1269266937,2/stock-photo-heart-string-b-49277497.jpg

Queer Words

2011-02-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

It started off when someone called me queer. Friends of mine were looking for a poly, queer, female bodied person who could be the other principal organizer for events at a community house and bring knowledge and a sense of additional community. An honor, really, to be thought of to join their band of shennaniganish amazing people.

But Queer.

What a strange word to have associated with me. I've never been heterosexually straight, per se. I experimented like all teenagers would. I grew up around extremely conservative heteronormative Mormons, but the other side of my family was much more liberal, accepting, and gender and sexual orientation free/fluid/accepting. I never really heard the word very often growing up - "Gay" was the predominant term used in the region I was raised.

In my youth, I started out on one end of the spectrum, and as much as I thought girls were pretty, was adamant I was heterosexual.....moving through my teenage years I gradually identified more as heteroflexible. Since becoming poly I moved from heteroflexible, to bi, to pansexual, which to me really identifies most acurately who I am attracted to - a person. For who they are. I couldn't care less if someone wants to be called a he, or a she, zee, them, they. I don't care what's in their pants or under their shirt or what stages of in between it might be. I've been with men who had probably had the market cornered on testosterone, women who were the super girly of girliest that I ever did see, people who identify as transgendered, and lots of things in between. I simply love and am attracted to people. I'm in love with their spirit - their soul - the lines on their faces that come from the way they smile and the grace of their bodies in motion. I like the everything that is them.

(Oh, and if you're into spoken word - check out this person - I Love <3 Andrea Gibson <3. Their work epitomizes some of the gender position I have.)

I understand the need for words to describe, to communicate, to understand where things are coming from and where they might be going, I'm a writer and was an English major. The problems with words is they can be misconstrued. My definition doesn't match yours. I have years of associations built up that are triggered when my brain identifys the word "queer" or "bi" or "Quazimodo" or "pie". No one else has lived the life I had and so no one else will be able to see the world the way I do, or see the flowers and hear the laughter when someone says "How does an Owl go?" - the response in my brain triggers this encounter with my husband in the zoo - and the sound a ghost makes going "OoooOooooo"...or hear the word "Elephant", which is an image of a man lying down on a massive bean bag and a cute friend snorting in laughter.

So there's all these mixed up, mashed up, alternative versions of meanings of everything that ever is. But people crave to know things and that's the most common ways humans translate information to each other. Through words. For fucks sakes, I wish there was a more articulate way to communicate. I've been innundated with people who aren't very familiar with me recently who want to know how I identify and who I am. I just want to tell them I identify as Amanda. Me. Myself. I. That's it, that's all there is. That's who I am and how I connect with that.

Unfortunately that doesn't transfer the information and I'm forced to use those labels everyone else has created. Hi, I'm Amanda. I'm polyamorous. I'm pansexual. My personal gender identity is primarily female but has elements of fluidity to it. I'm a person and therefore complicated. I'm the Amandazon that and a little girl too. And everything exists in this small space squished inside my epidermus, firing synapses that generate thought and emotion and action in microspaces inbetween nerve endings.

There's just so much that combines to define me, but nothing that you can tag to my lapel and have stick, or be complete enough to set your foundation of me on. There's an illusive and mystical element of being someone, full and complete, that can't be captured with words. If any thing is queer, it's trying to capture the meaning of a person in simple words.

The Beauty in Slow Moments

2011-02-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

Think Before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.
..................................and now...

SLOW DOWN

I'm typically am constantly on the go. "You're a busy woman!" Is a common response to seeing only one of my four personal calendars I have and while I see lots of things and connect with lots of people and get life experience in large quantities in short amounts of time, I'm realizing lately how counter productive it actually is. All that gogogogogogo is a source of stress for me. It forces my decision making process sometimes ahead of it's germination, I overextend myself, and I get all combobulated and bombarded with stimuli to where I don't have the space and time to meditate and think. Sometimes its fun looking at my weekend that's jammed pack full of awesome events - but more often than not, I end up being too exhausted to finish all the things I want to do.

This past weekend was a beautiful example of how slowing down brings focus and joy into my life. I started Saturday off in a bit of a funk, but soon came out of it with the prior "Rockstar" post gracing my screen and the excitement of preparing for my personal reclamation project.

When I was a kid, I had girl friends, but no real best friends except for a few that were short lived and tumultuous in nature. I lived in a small region where there weren't a lot of different types of people - and I was just as explorative as I am now. I never quite fit in....when Sesame Street came on and the song went "Which one of these things don't belong? Which one of these is not like the other?" I thought about me. I was different than the rest of them. I had a rougher time than most kids because of the sexual orientation of some of my family, and I didn't adhere to the gender roles people tried to force on me.

When I was younger, I refused to be called a young lady. I was a tomboy, thankyouverymuch. I could climb trees faster than anyone, beat up all the boys, and was convinced I could do anything boys could do ten times better! I was intelligent and mature for my age, quick on the draw and thirsted for adventure and adrenaline. This led to some problems that cause my parents some grief (what kid doesn't?) but I knew I was destined for an interesting life - even if it was greatness achieved in living a small life beautifully. I could live and breathe the essence of poetry every day, wild a wild horse off into the sunset, or beatnik my way across the universe of literature. I had IDEAS about where I wanted to go! To me, there was more out there than combines and soybean fields, more than WalMart and cruising down the "Main Street" only to make turn arounds in Sonic or McDonalds parking lot. More to life than settling down with the first boy who wasn't abhorrent, dropping out kids like the world is ending, and then settling down to a simple life at home while "daddy" works in the factory making $13 an hour. I wanted the things that life had to offer.

Most of the girls I grew up around didn't think like I did. We didn't connect. There was that compatibility factor missing. I had one or two friends - real BFF type girl friends - but they only lasted about a year before I'd move, or our friendship would fall apart.

So Saturday night I created something I didn't get to experience in childhood - A Pajama Party/Girls Night. It seemed a little silly asking for it at first, but I wanted it and thought there was no reason why I shouldn't have a girls night.

It was everything I'd hoped for and more. A few girlfriends of mine who all know how to properly "Squee!" when excited came over Saturday night. We gabbed and they all got to know each other, we nommed on sushi, tasty chips and had big bowls of delicious ice cream with brownies and/or fruit that was delicious! We changed into fun pajamas and sat in a circle on the bed, chatting and having a grand old time...and then - we had a PILLOW FIGHT!! !

Oh. My. God. Seriously!!! As cool as boys think pillow fights are, they have NO IDEA - and not for the silly reasons why boys think they're cool - but for reasons I can't describe. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! Period. End of pillow fight story. The photographs in my memory - the joy in my heart - that can't be translated into typeset. Not now, not ever. I'm not going to try.

After some subsequent giggling and scooting back into our girl circle, I got my nails done, and someone else got their hair done and then we settled in to watch a girlyish nestled in amongst the pillows, and that relaxed absent minded reclining on each other during the movie. My couch was torn apart to transform my studio apartment floor into this MASSIVE bed which combined with the bed, which was about the same height, turned the entire room into a bed pillow comfy amazing AWESOMENESS. Which was really fun the next morning camping out on a pillow laden floor eating the yummy oatmeal, eggs and bacon I made for breakfast. The best part about all this? I have girl friends.

Girls.

Who are my friends.

Who **rock**!!!

SQUEE!!!

All throughout the night and the next day, time had this lazy quality to it, there wasn't the rushrushrush of getting things done and moving on to the next thing. It was simple time, quality time, with very little agenda except to enjoy each others time. Instead of draining me - it rejuvenated me. I felt recharged, full of life, and very very content and happy.
Sunday was just as beautiful in that slowed down way. Elizabeth, a chosen family member of mine that's from House Decided, and I hung out for a while. We then headed to House Decided for Sunday dinner singing Gun's 'n' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine" out loud and proud in the car on the way there. Something I love very much about being around family - whether it's biological family or chosen family, is the feeling of togetherness. We got there and chatted in the kitchen, chopping vegetables, making a good-for-you and taste-good-too food with the rest of the people who live at the house. Hearing the jangling of pans and jokes waft back and forth over the steam rising off the stove, reminders for the pie being put in being called down the stairs, mundane cooperation of people who care and love each other, who are different in many ways, living their own lives together, supporting each other.

Dinner was yummy. A plethora of nifty food bringing happiness to the belly. But my favorite slow moment of the evening was sitting on the floor of the kitchen after dinner with Elizabeth. She had a headache and we were looking through my book of Home Remedies for it's suggestions. One of them was a list of face exercises you could do to stretch out your facial muscles. And so, sitting curled up in the corner of the kitchen floor looking over this book, we waggled our eyebrows at each other, swung our chins this way and that, giggling all the while and in the end "Improvise(d)!" and made faces at each other. Raoul popped into the kitchen, reminding us he'd put a movie on that was very good. So we made some more faces and sauntered into the living room to curl up on the floor and watch a movie together with others who came for dinner.

There is so much joy in reducing the gogogogog and adhering with the slow.........slow................slow..................slow........................

Rockstar

2011-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

I'm posting a note a friend of mine sent me after I told them I was sitting down and outlining my personal and professional goals over the weekend. When I got it - it made my day. I'm posting it because the writing is very well done, because I think it would be amazing if I could have a dream of this (I am informally putting in a request to the Universe to make that happen).

Mostly though, because I like it. It makes me smile.

ROCKSTAR

"There were no empty seats in the stadium of 80,000. And everyone was excited. The DJ had been playing the crowd to perfection, bringing them up and down as they waited for the star. Most of the songs being played were unknown to the audience, although the star could sing the lyrics to each of them. By next week they would all be top sellers on iTunes. That's just the kind of following she had.

The lights dimmed all around the stadium and the DJ got everyone quieted.. almost to a hush. Then in total darkness the pyrotechnics stage right went off. Giant tubes discharged their light and explosions and fire into the darkness and the crowd went wild. Before the last ember faded the massive bank on stage left leapt to action with a fire show that lit up the sky all the way between Everett and Tacoma. It would be hard to say if the noise was louder from the explosions or from the crowd yelling in anticipation.

At that second a 10,000 megawatt spotlight cut across the length of the stadium and illuminated her center stage. Now the crowd was deafening with their cheers and stamping! Standing with her feet shoulder width apart, facing straight forward. The heels on her Jimmy Choo shoes were the perfect complement to the jet black skirt, tastefully slit a short distance up the back. Her deep red Dolce & Gabbana blouse tied it all together, and was the perfect counter to the red in her hair. The spotlight made that red hair blaze like a fire you saw on the lowest levels of the ancient tower at Karazhan. Her piercings reflected the spotlight back in thousands of tiny spots that bathed over the adoring audience.

She stood there unmoving. Her head leaning far to the right and resting on her right shoulder, face slightly down. Her left arm was held up as straight as a piece of schedule 40 galvanized pipe. She looked at the stage floor and a quiet thought drifted through her mind.. "I wonder what the spec would look like for this kind of resilient flooring." She smiled at herself and realized even here she couldn't turn it off, just like all the architects she had helped. Then another thought came to her: "that weekend when I sat down and set my goals.. could I ever have imagined it ending up here?"

By now all the facilities people who had frantically been calling in life safety support out of fear the stadium couldn't withstand the kind of stomping and swaying this crowd was doing gave up, dropped their cell phones, and joined in the yelling. Because at the end of that left arm center stage, suspended from outstretched fingertips, was the notebook. Just a simple white binder, but every one of those people packed into the stadium knew what was in it. RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, ASI diagrams...

If you've ever heard 80,000 people chant at the top of their lungs in perfect unison you'll never forget it.
A MAN DA!
A MAN DA!
A MAN DA!"

It's hilarious to me because it weaves in music, pyrotechnics, Jimmy Choo shoes and Dolce & Gabbana blouse - red nonetheless to match my hair, piercings, and bits and pieces of architecutral specifications which is something I help out with occasionally in my career. Not to mention the reference to World of Warcraft - add to that life safety crews, which is hillarious to me, and the fantasy that 80,000 people in one place would know what RFI logs, shop drawing approvals, and ASI diagrams are.....and that they would be rambunctious enough to make some noise! about their organizaiton.

It's a piece that's totally ego-boosting, whimsy and silly rife with industry references not most people would get or appreciate. But I Love It. And wanted to share.

Miss Crafty Smarty Pants

2011-01-28T13:29:00.000-08:00

I am a Crafty Smarty Pants.

I like to weave and design and make things beautiful....steel rings, embroidery thread, beads, hair...words, images, principals and morals....I like to integrate things and make them whole, more than they were before, but still possessing their individual beauty within the whole construct.

Last week I was constructing a pretty decorative headpiece and had all these grand ideas about how it'd come out. My fingers were flying weaving and twisting, knotting and braiding and I realized I had not stopped to think about the best way to do it before I started in on it. I had in my hands at this point a pretty braided twisted weaving line of about an inch. Looking down I realized I had a tangled nasty rats nest of embroidery thread coming down from it. Not only did I start with the piece at the wrong end, but I also didn't take the time to pull each strand through - resulting in an hour spent untangling a gigantic knot. There were times I gritted my teeth and restrained myself from yanking things around. I had to use a soft and consistent touch to ungnarl the beast of fraying threads that seemed to be actively defying me. There were times I would stop, take a deep relaxing breath, look back down, and feel like it was squiggling back into knots while I was looking away. Patience wins in the end, however, as I finally got a strategy that worked to unravel the tangles and undid all my work.
So I looked at everything I had un-done, all my beads and clasps and tools and options before me. I had a simmering popping exploding ideas of creative genius of what I wanted to do. I grabbed a pencil and a piece of graph paper and immediately wrote something at the very top of the page.

Think Before You Act.

I immediately started sketching out designs - side views, back views, detail views. Things were crossed off, things were adjusted in the middle, loops were created and then moved....and I left room and space to embellish as I wished. Then I set out with my thread and beads and steel rings and started again.

While my fingers flew, weaving their energy into the knots of the strings, keeping pressure at the places where things could fall apart, pulling strands through one at a time to ensure no tangling, I started meditating about the phrase that struck my frontal lobe like lightning.

The phrase was so simple, so obvious. How often it's forgotten though. How it's so true to everything from crafting a decorative hair piece to approaching my career to how I handle my personal relationships. Not thinking before I act costs me so much time and frustration in having to un-do everything that wasn't working because I hadn't really thought about what I wanted and how I was going to achieve that goal.

Halfway through my piece, I realized I had gone too far - I was planning some beaded loops and pieces that were going to be in particular spot per my plans and I had glossed over that. So I stopped and wrote down the next directive that seared across my frontal lobe -

Follow Through on Your Plans.

Follow through. Thoughts and plans are useless without follow through. This applies everywhere. Doing what you're going to say you will do. Being on time. Holding true to your word. Being dependable. Reliable. Having forward thinking and a proactive approach reduces hassles, mistakes, and reduces miscommunication. It's so simple and basic, but so essential. Most of the time, it's the simple and basic things I know but I don't fully grasp or completely understand - deep in my core, that make the biggest differences in my life.

I'm awe struck sometimes about the beautifully intricate and simplistic and spasmodic ways my brain works. Why simple phrases that change how I look at life are generated when I make a pretty bauble. It's so interesting. Life is flowing around, out, through me and I draw from things these concrete directives that are like signposts guiding my way towards the future I want.

Think before you Act.
Follow Through on Your Plans.

Imperatives I roll around in my brain like I would a fine wine on my tongue. I draw my spirit and essence around those phrases, tasting the way they would flavor my life interactions and how it would color me as a person. These sentences that flare across my brain I mull over and if it's a tasty tidbit that strengthens my pillar of character, that brings me closer to being the person I know is inside of me, that enriches my life and bestows me with wisdom - I weave those phrases together, string them along. I put in gems of my personality like accents in this beautiful tapestry I'm creating that tells the story of who I am.

Who's up for a crafty night?

choices choices choices

2011-01-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

I've had to make a lot of decisions lately. Some areas I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, some of the decisions scare me in their importance, some are simply day to day decisions. Decisions ARE important - they determine the course of your life, the path your headed down. Decisions have also been really complicated and scary for me sometimes. There's churning in my hollow spaces, knots of dread in my stomach, swirling vortexes of endless loops in my brain, and a cloudy confusion that warps my perspective and makes everything a little too fuzzy around the edges.

In the beginning I think I was simply afraid of being wrong. I wanted so badly to be SuperWoman and perfect that I stopped dead in my tracks when I had to chose a path because there IS no path that leads to perfect. My goal wasn't realistic. I cannot be perfect. I cannot please everyone. I cannot maintain everything all the time.

It's time for a shift - for me to redefine - really define - in concrete, articulate, quantifiable and measurable ways my long term personal goals. I also need to clarify and articulate which basic moral principles guide me the most in my life - which are most important to me that I rely on when making important decisions.

These things when used as a measuring device against life decisions and situations, allow me to deal with decisions in an ....almost......easy manner. It's amazing. I have a situation. I can react several different ways. I can go through this beautiful process of elimination and logical reasoning and deduction.

Which choices are contrary to my end goals? Throw those choices out. It doesn't matter if I really really really really want it or if the other options are way harder - if it doesn't line up with my basic morals and long term personal goals, it's not an option for me. After throwing the ones that don't measure up out - I'm typically left with a few options that result in consequences that are in the direction I want to go. I feel liberated. Relieved. Free. It's like trying to cut a piece of ham with a spoon all your life, and then someone hands you a sharp knife and a fork. Eureka! TOOLS! They WORK!

So I get the awesome chance to create this amazing tool to measure my decisions up against. I'm SO excited. What do I want in my future? How do I want my life to progress? What are my dreams? What things do I want surrounding me? What things do I want to celebrate in my life? Because each decision I make is celebrating a way of life I'm chosing for myself

.....which means it's time to sit down and be a schedule list making glitter goddess! Why glitter? Because it makes the calendars and graphs so much prettier!

My Brain Today through Quotations

2011-01-19T14:20:00.000-08:00

"It is far more powerful to live your truth than to preach it."

"Nobody said that it'd be easy they just promised it'd be worth it."

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." Dr. David M. Burns

"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what we want most for what we want in the moment”

“Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” ~Mary Tyler Moore

“If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage” ~Ashleigh Brilliant

“Learning is like rowing upstream; not to advance is to drop back” Chinese Proverb

"Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it.” David Starr Jordan

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” Albert Einstein

Wish Want Love Covet Housewares

2011-01-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

So once again my interest is swinging back around to fashion and pretties, design and motifs. I dressed up all pretty today in red and black with some kitten heels. I'm heading out to a rock show my friend is playing in. And besides the corset I'm going to throw on later for the fun of it, I thought a beautiful feather boa would complete the outfit just perfectly. Unfortuneately, I don't have one...but this one would go PERFECT with what I'm wearing today.

http://www.save-on-crafts.com/uniqueboas1.html

I've also been madly rearranging my apartment any chance I get and I just want it to look - different. First time since I was 18 that I get to have my own space to decorate and I realize how little I've developed my houseware style in those adult years except for odds and ends here and there. There've been little ideas floating in my head how I can adjust the ambiance by the decor I chose and there are quite a few things that are just going to have to go, and a few things I'd love to start prolifferating around the house.

Candles are definitely one of those. I think a few unique cnandleholders would really bring something to the room, and here are a few I really liked. Red. Black. Classic Metal and Sensual Glass.

http://www.save-on-crafts.com/metalbirdcage.html

http://www.candlesjustonline.com/index.cfm?page=products_listing&parentid=243&CATEGORYID=632

I'd also like some natural elements as well - I have a small collection of stained bamboo holders and darker stone oriental urns and containers. I think the red dogwood branches would be a wonderful addition when I have a larger place.

http://www.save-on-crafts.com/do1.html

And mirrors! I want appropriately placed mirrors throughout my home.

I like the fame on this one.

And I think this one has a great sense of depth to it.

http://www.lampsplus.com/products/Uttermost-Sherene-30-inch-Square-Wall-Mirror__F6384.html

As pretty as all of these are, there are

so many things that I need to focus on first.

Responsible things.

Ah, responsibilities.

Running over Puppies

2011-01-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

My dreams have been getting more and more interesting lately. At this point, I'm ceasing respond to them like nightmares and have begun dissecting them with an intrigued but distant scientific perspective. I don't put much stock into the "supernatural" nature of dreams or think by "divining their meaning" you come one step closer to enlightenment. I do think it's a nifty tool to figure out what your brain chews on while you're unconscious. Viewing common themes in your life, difficulties, internal struggles, etc... through the tools of a highly personal and symbolic mini movie sometimes allows you to gain some greater insight into yourself simply because you look at it from a different angle.

So, for instance, I dream of being behind the wheel of a car that has NO BRAKES on icy dark roads almost hitting a shaking tiny puppy in the middle of the road over and over and over again - missing it only by the skin of the tires. I habitually got lost in this dream, sliding out of control and wandering around in circles, not able to reach my destination.

While the dream wasn't super *pleasant* to experience, waking up, I thought - hrm....interesting. Through the symbolic lens of the dream meshed with my own personal stresses lately, I see an interpretation - I obviously don't feel in control of where I'm going in my life. I'm definitely striving towards a milestone I don't feel I'm making much progress in obtaining.
I was chatting about this with a couple of friends of mine one night before getting my geeky gamer thing going. One of them suggested that I was on the brink of a self-revelation, but I'm stymied. Which I kinda feel like is true. With all this hemming and hawing and analyzing and anxiety and adjustment, I feel like I'm missing something obvious.

Which, ironically was illustrated in game that evening quite well, actually. I play Vampire the Masquerede, don't ask me what edition, I couldn't care less. I enjoy playing the game because the storyteller is amazing, the people I spend 3-6-8 hours with are really enjoyable to be around, I get to play pretend - one of my favorite games, and I get to learn life lessons in an environment in which messing us doesn't mess my life up. My Gypsy Oracular Rune Tossing Seductress Deranged-beyond-all-realms-of-thinkable might bite the undead big one after realizing a life lesson....like what does family mean, really? But I'd gain that knowledge and not suffer from it in the least.
One thing I learned last night at game was that it's really easy to miss the obvious. Like....there's a strange thing where you can go through the wall....we go through it but we don't stop and take a look at what makes it different so we end up traipsing all over the place, dodging squishy bad things, jumping over death pits, fighting zombie hoards, and almost entering demonic death chambers because we didn't take the time to stop and look - really look and see why this way was better than the other way.

I kinda feel like that's happening now. I'm sliding around on ice with no brakes, feeling like I've barely got this shit under control, feeling a bit emotionally and mentally constipated because I'm simply not looking at the writing on the wall. If I could figure out *how* to just *see* the signs that'll lead to achieving 'self-enlightenment' at this stage, all this pressure would be relieved.

I feel like internally I've done all this growing and expanding. My brain is firing in ways it hasn't before, but I haven't figure out how to move beyond this initial stage, and it's getting past cozy into cramped in mental/emotional space I've got. Which is frustrating.

I know I'm going to get there. Something'll happen, something will click and I'll have the key that'll allow me to move on to another stage in my development, the pressure will be released, there will be less internal conflict, and I'll have the opportunity to take on another challenge.

Until then, I'm coasting around in a car that has no brakes, where the seat's pushed forward to far, the steering wheel is over sized. I'm uncomfortable and straining to maintain the effort *not* to hit the puppy in the middle of the road. That scenario played out in my dream is filled with as much irritation and tension as if I were walking a tightrope high in the air with some one on the end yelling and screaming at me. I'm walking a fine line that's vibrating with tension, distracted by things that aren't where they should be. Maybe the enlightenment will come if I just changed the dynamics, ran over the puppy. If nothing else, it'd stop that loop of nervous frustrated anxiety and tension that wears me down and wears me out. Even when I'm sleeping.

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of suffering from insomnia

2011-01-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

Zombia = the zombie like state you achieve after weeks of having no quality sleep suffering from insomnia. That state where you can't pay attention to anything, you stare off into space, occasionally drooling. Sometimes you revert back to that toddler state where you scream and throw fits, occasionally things, because you're tired and cranky. Other times, you start crying because you're just too tired it hurts that bad. I have been under the plague of Zombia recently, but I'm working on a cure. For about a month now, there's been really ?three? nights where I've not encountered the below problems in epic proportions. Which means my Zombia has gone into severe stages. So it's time to fight back.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_xMoNAmuyst0/Sm68kPBrk2I/AAAAAAAAClI/l_u2J_i7J4g/s400/women_and_guns_08.jpg

All right, maybe a massive bazooka style gun isn't necessary in order to get good sleep. But I can sure-as-heck tell you I'm approaching solving this problem with all my ammunition and the biggest guns I've got - and I've got some big guns! (I mean my brain). So...plan of attack?

Symptom: It takes anywhere from one to four hours to get to sleep after laying down initially.

Point of Infection? I'm used to someone puttering around the house, in the next room, or going to bed with me. There's a sense of time awareness that is suddenly gone since there's not another person to use to gauge time against. One scenario that typically occurs is that I get busy and just keep going. I'm rearranging the apartment, or sewing, or coloring, or something. I'm either not aware of what time it is, or not caring what time it is while I'm doing this. OR - I'm lying down watching a few shows and think - I'm not tired, so I'll watch one more. This continues. For a while. This is typically what I do after more than a couple of days of insomnia, which has plagued me occasionally throughout my life.

Plan of Attack! CREATE A BEDTIME ROUTINE!!! Sounds exciting, right!?! Well, it helps, so I'm not knocking anything that works right now. First I turn off all sound making devices. Then I clean - wash my body/face, brush my teeth, put on lotion, etc...A limbering up song to dance to then two sun salutations later, I turn off lights, crawl into bed, and meditate on NOT THINKING for ten minutes. I don't really count the time, or look at the clock, but every time I catch my mind wandering away into icky thoughts, I bring it back to NOT THINKING. I figure I do that enough and by the time I reach "ten minutes" I'm sleeping. So far, it's helped. Rock!

Symptom: I wake up three to four times during the night.

Point of Infection? Before when I heard a noise, or some noise would wake me up, I used to half raise my eyes, reach out and touch the other person - I'd have my grounding point, and then I'd go back to sleep. Now I consciously wake up, trying to figure out what woke me up, then identify it, then try to go back to sleep. Which is sometimes difficult.

Plan of Attack! I make sure when I go to bed I double lock the door and window. Just a double check, but somehow it's reassured me and I've not woken up as many times during the night recently. More pillows in the bed, so whenever I reach out, I find something soft and fuzzy that's reassuring.

Symptom: My sleep is plagued with unpleasant emotionally frustrating and upsetting dreams.

Point of Infection? Everything in my life right now? :chuckles: The message in my dreams typically boils down to one of three things 1. Not having the right 'tools' for the job at hand - i.e. being unprepared for the task at hand 2. Not being able to get where I need to go. i.e. I live on the second floor and there's no stairs, no access points or I'm stranded without transportation, or reliant on people who are late. 3. I am not in control i.e. driving a car on ice with no brakes - the stereotypical recurrent dream I have when I don't feel like I'm in control of my life.

Plan of Attack! Time. There's no real 'thing' I can do to decrease the anxiety I feel about being in a new place in my life for the first time besides time proving that I'll be fine. I try to build self-soothing techniques into my routines - candlelight, bubble baths, warm fuzzy fluffy soft things to cuddle, pretty colors, being crafty and creative, etc... But it'll just take some time to adjust to the new environment. I'm thinking of this as kicking Patience's butt. Or conquering patience. I know it's an aggressive stance to take to 'conquer' something that's fairly passive, but whatever. It gives me strength and stamina to deal with patiently waiting. Something I've not always been good at before.

Techniques to conquer ZOMBIA - or at least my techniques to conquer my version of it.

Earthy Poem

2011-01-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

I've built my foundation

upon the earth of who I am.

The ground is shifting and twisting.

Rumbling with changes that

sound ominous and menacing.

I throw my roots down into

the ground which vibrates with potential energy.

All I can do is hold on.

Growing Through

2011-01-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'm entering into a unique time in my life. For the first time in my life I'm single. Solitary. Alone. No partners. No sweeties. No metamores. No polycules. By myself in my own apartment with no one else to clutter it up (or clean it up). With no one to coordinate my schedules with (and no one to automatically share awesome events with). It's different. In ways I can't describe. It's beautiful and wonderful. It's also dredging up emotional stuff I thought I was prepared for, but really wasn't. Which sucks.

I see this period as a time of training my emotional and mental 'muscles' to be stronger and more healthy. Like when decide to be healthier and you go to the gym and it kicks your ass and your muscles are sore and sometimes you have to drag yourself out of bed, grumbling and irritated to go to the gym early in the morning before work. That's what I'm doing to my emotional and mental self. To my character. I'm giving it a thorough work out. Sometimes it's awesome to see the progress I've made and sometimes I get tired, and sore, and everything hurts. But I know it's worth it in the long term.

Everyone starts thinking about personal goals and long term plans around January 1st. That's not my bag. Everyday is a new start to think about the future and work on things I think will contribute to my personal growth and development. However, it's been a bit since I sat down and MADE A LIST of the things I'm focusing on. We all know how much I am in love with Lists. So here goes my

Focus/Goal List.

I am going to be single (no primary partners/sweeties) for an undetermined amount of time.

I suspect it will be several months to a year, however. I don't want to specifically put down a time frame, as that seems arbitrary and unrealistic. I like to be able to adhere to my word (something I need to work on). But this is a crucial element of the next chapter of my life. Simply being by myself, doing what I want to do, being who I am free of as much outside influence as possible.

While I will probably develop strong/close friendships, or possibly engage in flirtatious interactions, I'm not going to engage in dating again until I feel that I've reached a milestone. I've yet to determine quantifiable, measurable, articulate benchmarks that define that milestone, but that's on another list of things to figure out :)

I am not going to cut my hair until that period is over.

Besides obvious trimmings/minor shaping so it grows out well. This seems like a weird goal/focus to have. Symbolically though, this has a lot of meaning. I've been cutting my hair frequently in the past few months, and every time I do it gets shorter and shorter. The last time I was an impulse away (several times) from just shaving the whole damn thing off. . I wanted to shed myself of a lot of things in my life at that point and for me, what I do to my hair is a representation of my emotions at that time.

Now, I want to grow, to endure whatever annoyances and hardships await me in order to gain a better understanding of life. To become enlightened. By denying myself the ability to cut my hair, I'm also gaining self-discipline. I hate hair in that mid-stage length - HATE IT. It's annoying, it gets in your way, you can't do jack shit with it, and my hair doesn't grow very fast. Right now is super short...which means the 'growing out' period will be quite a while - which will be a lengthy period of time that is frustrating and irritating. I see this, however, as a wonderful chance to 'workout' my tolerance/patience.

I also have a strong desire recently to let my feminine side shine since being single. All that energy I was putting into my multiple relationships now is pooling within me. I've got time to expend on myself - lots of it. An unexpected side effect of that has been a revitalization of my interest in fashion and looking pretty. I want long hair for the first time in my life. I want to be able to braid it, to let it down, to have it cover me like a blanket, to look soft and pretty.

I am going to focus on taking care of myself.

Basic. Simple. But kinda all encompassing. Really, this is my primary goal right now. I have started to cut down on things that don't aid in that and want to continue on with that theme. So the specifics would be:

Reducing greatly the amount I drink and smoke, although I still smoke and occasionally drink, I was doing far more of that than was really healthy, so I want to keep it at a light to moderate level.
Getting up early so I can have time to do a morning take care of my body routine instead of doing it whenever I have time/erratically. This would include things like making a healthier breakfast, listening to NPR, making my lunch for the day, doing the shower/ brush teeth/ wash face/ doing makeup/ doing yoga thing. I was happy that I got up this morning with enough time to do all of the above in a relaxed pace and still enjoy some time to clean up around the house and do some simple chores.
Eating healthy. My tastes have already drastically changed since being single. Suddenly chocolate which used to be the be all end all of amazing - doesn't really sound appealing. No sweets really do. I suddenly like sushi - after years of my partners taking me out to delicious (VERY GOOD) sushi places - I suddenly have gotten cravings for sushi, and have really enjoyed them. I'm not very hungry very often, but when I am - I've been craving vegetables and meat. The distinction I make in the quality of my food - my standards for "good" food has dramatically risen. I've been eating more soup as well. I'm not going to go OCD like I used to, but I've been more and more aware of what I'm putting into my body and how that effects my body. I want to continue on with that.

CRAFTY LITTLE DEVIL!
Explore and utilize my crafty ability to make beautiful things for me, for my home, for my friends.

No real push for anything in particular. Due to the increased amount of time I have available, and the expanded amount of energy I have at my disposal, I've been more crafty. It's also helped me process and deal with some of the harder emotional responses I've been experiencing since being alone. I've started a couple of collages, mostly finished a skirt that's been sitting on my "to do" list for six months, made a few sets of earrings, done a bit of leatherwork (and subsequently practiced my knotwork). It's like meditation for me, fingers working over and over again, my mind able to relax and soothe itself. Plus, it's SUPER fun. And there are beautiful things that come out of it. It gives me so much joy - this is something I don't want to let fall by the wayside again.

Explore.

There is a particular areas of interest in my life I enjoy doing, but haven't had the opportunity or avenue in which to explore to it's fullest. I'm currently working on expanding my social network to people who enjoy similar things, working to experience more in that area, and learn more about all the different aspects of it. This will make me happy.

To sum it up - it's all about taking care of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - and giving myself space and time and freedom to explore, relax, and wander. I'm looking forward to the upcoming chapter of my life, even though I know it's going to be really challenging at points. For all the reasons these quotes imply and many many many more....

Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise. ~Author Unknown

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is? ~Frank Scully

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. ~Seneca

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. ~Ray Bradbury

Wish Want Love Covet 3

2011-01-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I had a Wish/Want/Love/Covet Fashion Post. I've had some more time on my hands lately and 'lo and behold - the desire to dress up pretty and invest time and attention into what I'm wearing and how I look has returned! YAY! So - without further ado, a new list of wish want love covet....

I'm totally not wrapped up into the whole 'Steampunk' movement that's sweeping my area. However, there are some pieces out there that frankly just kick ass - this belt being one of them. *Drool* ....I'm also wondering if I can make something that would resemble this with my newfound leather crafting skills....I'm pretty sure, however, that this amount of design would supercede my abilities at this point.

http://www.clockworkcouture.com/?q=bindsthattiebelt

And This is Just Freaking HOT....

http://www.clockworkcouture.com/?q=goodgirlbad

ELEGANCE.....STYLE.... I love retro looking things that emphasize the elegance and prettieness of curveacious women...

http://www.reddressshoppe.com/Dresses.htm

I also am thinking about adding more blues and purples into my wardrobe...

http://www.reddressshoppe.com/Tops.htm

My favorite colors...babydoll like pretty....

http://www.reddressshoppe.com/Dresses.htm

Finally - I'm WANTING MORE CORSETS!!!

http://heavyred.com/abigailstormentedheartwaistcincher.aspx

Growing pains

2010-12-21T13:54:00.001-08:00

The joints,
The places where I am tied together,
Different pieces of me branching off,
Gnarled and knotted in their transition
as they spread their story of who I am -
These spots hurt.
They ache and moan
        when the storms come.
They are where I was ripped apart
    to make room for a maturing me to grow.
Those spaces
        in the in-between
                    are stretched hollow,
A gap in the defenses.
A pause before the great leap into the unknown.
The wilds in my soul.
The winds blow hard these days
   and my joints are sore.
Creaking and throbbing and twinging
                under the pressure.
But they will hold.
For I have new branches to grow.

Becoming Beautiful

2010-12-17T16:50:00.000-08:00

Per my last post, I believe Beauty is through Understanding. I've been hyper focused lately on developing into a person I can be proud of - a person that I respect. I had an epiphanatic moment today and realized I should be able to clearly define those aspects that I'm striving to incorporate into my life. So, while gathering information on the subject - attributes of people with character, what constitutes 'having integrity', etc... I ran across something that posed some good thoughts and questions.

What am I trying to accomplish? Why do I want to accomplish it? Where to I want to go with my growth? How will I go about the process? Who is motivating me and who is supporting me during this?

Which, while basic in nature, made me stop and think. What am I trying to accomplish? I say I want to become a better person, a person with good character, a person with integrity, but what does that mean? Those words are ambiguous at best, and translatable, and mutable to many different meanings. As a friend of mine once told me - This is why we have dictionaries - to use words appropriately. If you can't find a word that means what you mean, keep looking until you find one that does.

I want to have a strong ethical character - clearly defining my guiding principles and values. I also want to have positive traits and develop new skills to use throughout my lifetime. So following up on that, what does ethics, values, traits and skills mean? (I'm stealing definitions here, 'cause I found them and I like them.)

Ethics are basically the body principles used to decide what's right, good, and proper. It governs your Morality and provides a means to evaluating and deciding among competing options.

Values are attitudes about the worth of people, concepts, or things. Values are important as they influence a person's behavior to weigh the importance of alternatives.

Skills are the knowledge and abilities that a person gains throughout life. The ability to learn a new skill varies with each individual. Some skills come almost naturally, while others come only by complete devotion to study and practice.

Traits are distinguishing qualities or characteristics of a person, while character is the sum total of these traits. There are hundreds of personality traits, but I'm going to focus on those that I think are most important for me to have, and those that are important for me to work on.

At this point, I pause. One, because it's getting late and my weekend is *BEYOND* packed full of things to do, and another because tackling the idea of identifying, defining, refining, and integration of complex ideas like ethics, and values - seeking out specific skill sets and personal traits to analyze is a bit much for my brain right now.

Trial through Fire.

2010-12-15T14:55:00.001-08:00

Life's been extremely difficult in "This is hard, and painful, but it's good for me" way. Difficult and trying. A period that wears down your outer layers, the storm tumultuous and battering your will, stripping you are down to a hard core of who you really are as person. Letting me realize that I have the power to shape that into who I want to be.

I want to do that **right**! I want to become the sort of person I can be proud of. I want to be an example of integrity, of love, and wisdom. I want to be a wise woman. I want to grow and blossom and be beautiful inside and out. What will embellish, outline, and distinguish that beauty will be the Trueness to Self I portray.

I am learning through difficult circumstances. These are periods of endurance to test of my character. These are times of the greatest potential to learn who I really am. I believe knowing who you are lies at the root of everything. We are our own universe. Most our lives are lived completely in our head. The only way we experience our environment is through our powers of perception. Everything is filtered through Self. Awareness of the Conscious and Mastery of the Self leads to Understanding.

Understanding is Beauty.

I want to be Beautiful.

Random Conversations I've had and Things I've Learned Today.

2010-12-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

Things I think are good for a heartache:

Making a coffee date with awesome people for hugs and talking, to remember you're loved and allow people to take care of you. I find outings and small socialization are helpful, mitigating the moping and vortex power of the "I'm so sad" hole. At the same time I think its important not to ignore your sadness but accept how you feel and take care of yourself while you feel sad. Some things I do to take care of myself are bubble baths and cuddles, surrounding myself with things that make me happy. Writing really helps.

I find looking at what that person gave you and the parts you miss about them a melancholy but ultimately positive experience. You celebrate what you had and the positive things that came out of it. It somehow balances out the feelings of loss.

Examining your feelings and not ignoring them is really important. Are you sad that you were rejected? Are you sad because you feel you'll always be alone? Are you sad because you feel like no one understands you or are you sad because you lost a good friend? Taking the time to look at the thing that hurts and letting yourself feel it and letting it out. And then moving on. Because life is beautiful and sad and wonderful at the same time. And tomorrow will always come. With rebirth and renewal and challenges and surprises.

The Importance of Compliments in Adult Life

Whether this is my upbringing, my basic personality, or the way society influences my gender, or my experiences throughout life - wherever this stems from - I feel a compulsion, a driving need, to express to others how much I appreciate them, what they mean to me, how fortunate I feel to have them in my life, and the beauty I see in them.

I don't know why this is so important to me. Maybe it's because it means so much to me to hear those things from others? Perhaps its because I believe most people are hyper critical of themselves and need to be reminded of why they are beautiful, amazing, wonderful people. Maychance it's the happiness I get from sharing that joy that that person gives to me.

I've found during my adult life there are some people who have a lot of problems with compliments - both giving and receiving. Some subtly - so subtle if you're not paying attention to it you won't catch it - redirect the conversation, or slide around it once a compliment is given to them. I've noticed this occurs in males a lot more than females.  I'm not sure why, but it seems that way.

I think it's very important to be able to give and receive positive comments that are nourishing, that make others feel joy and warm fuzzies.  I also personally believe its a fundamental element of a healthy happy relationship.

I had lots of beautiful examples growing up on how to give and receive compliments. I remember there was a list on my fridge when I was small - before I started preschool - of "1,000 compliments to give your child." There were days I would stand at the fridge and just read through them. My mother frequently told me how smart and pretty and amazing I was. I was raised in a very loving and verbally positive and nourishing environment. Others weren't so lucky. I'm realizing now that being able to give and receive compliments is simply a social skill some people weren't taught or weren't exposed to early on, so are less comfortable with it.

Which got me thinking....what are some basic skills in being able to give and receive compliments.

Some people don't know what to say in return.  "Thank you" is always a good fallback when someone gives you a compliment. Or a reciprocal thing like "I appreciate your XXX." Like..."...your smile" or "communication style." or "silliness." Or simply "I'm happy you're in my life." True statements. The point isn't to say nice things to say nice things, but to express to the other person the parts of them you really do enjoy and are appreciative for.

I also had a mass of things to think about concerning communication, who and when and how to say things. But that's not as simple. And I have my birthday party to whisk off to....so it'll have to wait for later.

Univeral Bitch-Slapping and Poker in a Dark Room

2010-12-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

Neil Gaiman I think sums up how I feel about the universe sometimes (I'm changing "God" and "He" to "Universe" and "It". Cause I can.)

"The Universe does not play dice...; It plays an ineffable game of It's own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of the players, (ie everybody), to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

Massive humongous infinite stakes with blank cards in a dark room with that's blanketed in mystery and confusion. YAY for CONFUSION! But sometimes the Universe is nice and sends you a clue. By smacking you in the face with a "THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO" hand - that's loaded with uranium and hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. Sometimes the universe slaps other people in the face. Regardless of who's bitchslapped, if I'm in the nearby vicinity, I get a taste of the backhand on the way back around.

There's been some bitch-slapping backhanding lately, but in wonderfully funny ironic manners. I was talking to a friend of mine about the whirlwind of emotions that center on the "I don't know what to do, or what's right" feelings. Of feeling insecure and unsure of where you need to go or what choices to make that almost cripples you in the hurricane of confusion that overwhelms. Til you get to a point where you just want to call up the universe and ask pretty pretty pretty please to simply give you a big flashy "This is the right choice" sign surrounded by glitter so it catches your eye.

We kept on talking and I had this "Look, Here's The Answer" thought.
And then I stopped.
And laughed.

Because I was about to give them the advice I need to follow the most.

Look at the facts, look at your emotions. Make a decision about the course of your life (yes, this is scary) and then realize that decision is based in the fundamental essence of who you are. This foundation of the every existence of your being and all the experiences you've accumulated. You're drawing on decades of information, years of personal development, and a knowledge pool that's not so shabby and really nothing to laugh at. So your foundation on which you make that decision is freaking strong. So make the decision and HAVE FAITH and BELIEVE that you're making the best decision.

Because let's face it. Let's "break it down" (Cause I LOVE breaking things down). If I could marry a punctuation group, item, it would be bullet points. They've never failed me yet. You have three options when making decisions (or not) - you can:

1. Make a Decision and Believe in It
2. Live in a tortured existence of indecision and insecurity waffling back and forth about what you think is right and what other people tell you is right and what you think other people think is right. What I call the "if you look at it from the other side" syndrome. There's a million other sides. You can look at them for ages and go blind. And in fact, will go blind. With confusion and indecision. It will wear down the core of who you are when you second-triple-quadruple-then go back to the second guess and decide to move on the quadruple guessing yourself again-ness. It sucks. And it doesn't result in any progress.
3. Let other people decide your course and decisions in life.

For the majority of my decisions, I live in #1 world.
I mean, I AM bad ass mamojamma. I don't take no crap from no one. I'm as strong as an ox. As wild as a tiger. As subtle as a sledgehammer. I am an amazing person who holds her own. Outside influences don't really affect me unless I think they provide useful perspective or information. The stuff that bothers most people? Don't really touch me.

Crazy homeless guy who yells at me and my partner walking down the street, calling us bigoted racists lesbian blah blah blah?? Not a thang at all. I told my partner it's like someone yelling out at me that I'm a small giraffe in a top hat. It means nothing. Someone doesn't like my lifestyle? I don't care. It's my life and I live it the way I want. I'm not forcing them to live it, so it's really their issues leaking out. Why should I care?

But then. OH but then. The IDEA of standing up and choosing my needs and wants over others comes up. And then I am terrified. Granted, given my past history, this is understandable. Bad things have happened to those around me when I stood up for my needs and wants. People died. Now, I know they died not because I stood up for myself, but because they had issues. But in my brain my needs/wants over others = horrible icky things. BADNESS incarnate.

This is when I start swirling into the vortex of #2 and cannot find a foothold. It really upsets me, because #2 isn't productive. It's useless and counter productive. Where did this amazing strong vibrant woman go? Cause frankly, it's at times like these that all I can see is the tiny child that curls up in the back of the closet. And I don't want her running my life.

But finding that strength of character, those brass balls of "YES, this is what I NEED. This is what I WANT. And it's IMPORTANT enough for me to stand up for it." is somehow one of the most difficult things I've come up against. I know I have them somewhere, I AMANDAZON, I've got gumption, I own my own pair of cajones - and they're made of titanium. I've got character, and bad-ass-ness that stems from the roots of my essence of awesome. But coming to making major life decisions about what I want and need? I turn into a wet noodle that can't decide whether its overcooked or squished out.

And that's where my insight ends. I know the situation - which is progress. But I don't know whether I just need to balls up and risk the jump to - - enforce the boundaries of my needs and wants, or to focus on the roots of the fears that cause my blockage, or where I go from here.

So I'm sitting here in the pitch black room, playing my blank cards, guessing at the rules. Hoping the Universe that's sitting across the table won
't smack me upside the head again, maybe this time it'll throw me a bone (or a neon flashing sign - seriously I would be SO grateful) and help me figure out which choice to make, or where to go.

I have a sinking suspicion however, that this whole 'figuring it out' thing, is the lesson I'm really supposed to be learning.

Oh _kitten_!

2010-11-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

Oh kitten!
Mischievous deviant little thing,
I can't help but love you
and your rouge like smile.
Tricksy and impish
in your playful ways.
Vivaciously attacking
those things that entice you.
With quick swishes of your tail
and eyes that are so green,
you are a darling thing!
Quiet and warm when curled
contently in the lap,
purrs vibrating
emanating
soft and endearing.
There is so much to you
to entertain me.

Inspired

2010-11-22T16:00:00.000-08:00

I have been.
I am.
And will be.
Inspired by those around me.
By the cadence
in the beats
between their lips.
The ache
in the space
between.

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." ~David Carradine

2010-11-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

I am hereby solidifying in this past week, the poem of I am. Gathering round and rallying my courage, shoring up those weak walls with the cracks of insecurity in them and planting my feet in the soil of my soul.

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

And my backbone has grown, oh how it's grown. I've faced, and am facing, fears I thought I'd gotten rid of or gotten passed years ago. That silly fear that I won't be perfect - that I will at one point, make a mistake. The fear that by putting clear boundaries down concerning my needs and wants something awful-horrible-icky-nasty-devestatingly bad will happen. Which is based on past occurances, and not any realistic present issues. I'm uneasy of things that are new and different, because I'm unaware of how they will affect my life. I'm also adjsuting to the feeling of standing on my own two feet - it's something that I'm getting used to, having lived all of my life as a child, or as a piece of a 'we' decision making group.

It feels like I'm choking on these fears sometimes. My body responds in telling ways to my emotional states, especially concerning stress. And over the last week or so, my jaw has been perpetually clenched, tight, aching with that jaw lock feel. Emotionally I feel like my throat is closed up from these fears and I get frustrated, wanting to rend these silly fears apart and eat them up. Conquer them. See them for what they are and unravel them. Splay them open, identify their parts, then eat them up and let them become a natural part of me, a smaller part of me. Let my understanding of them nourish me more, instead of stop me from speaking.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.

Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain.

But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.

It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters.

Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality.

If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.” ~Jim Morrison

So this is me. Standing up. Carring around my fear and my pain by my side, admitting their place in my person. This is who I am. I am not ashamed of it. For if you, "Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” Jim Morrison

And above all else right now, it's important for me to be free. To be as much of the true essence of who I am as possible. To be comfortable in my own skin. To be the best version of myself, instead of a second-rate version of someone else. Because...

"It is better to be hated for what you are

than to be loved for something you are not."

~Andre Gide

Older Random Poetry

2010-11-11T16:19:00.000-08:00

Monday Memo

interactive integration
create cross-functioning
facilitate future
collaborative corporation
effective efficiency elevating the
synergistic success
towards togetherness
multi-task the maximization of the
productive paradigm

8/08

Little boyhood grin
Splashed across a suntanned face
Thinking eyes belie that suit and tie.
Besides,
Corporate ladders can’t compare
To tree house retreats.
And milk moustaches
Secret societies of heroes
And pirate treasure
Hidden beneath the porch.
They're worth more in the end
Than any man’s weight in memos

'08 the young

liquid laugh
like velvet
with a brilliant longing
always desiring
feverishly
to be born
naked
like a translucent flower
lingering
like a
ghost of a
dream

'08

let me live
and capture abstract imagination
creating soft silhouettes
of chiseled impressions -
aesthetic metaphors
of drugged eclectic dreams -
smeared pieces
of the surreal vivid originals
which dazzlingly shimmer
in their approachable beauty.

Being Honest

2010-11-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

There's an episode of That 70's Show about a bunch of hippi stoner contractors 'redesigning' a basement - ending up just moving everything 2 inches to the left.

"It's like Art MAN! - I call it 'Basement.......two inches to the left'".

That phrase gets stuck in my head when I have a perspective shift. Same environment, same people, same world......but my perspective has shifted.....two inches to the left, man! Suddenly everything is in a slightly different light. It's scary sometimes, when something you've seen one way your whole life suddenly has new contours, new shapes, shadows that didn't exist before. But as a good friend of mine said - Buildings shift and settle in order to take weight. It's a natural occurrence that ensures the stability of the building. Shifting is the stabilizing force.

And I've been settling into the soul of myself more and more recently, loveing and appreciating the person who's skin I live in. It's come through a lot of different shifts in the way I've been thinking and what I think is important.

The word Priority has meaning! And, like usual, I've been analyzing everything about it. What is important to me, how I demonstrate that it's important, what decisions I make now and how I carry them out - they matter! I saw this amazing RSA Animation video about time consciousness that really had an impact and helped me understand why I think and act some of the ways I do. It was really interesting - I'd suggest checking them all out.

Another short was about empathy. Being quite empathetic myself, it really started gears turning in my head about how I act. Realizing the basics of how empathy functions in the brain, and pondering the historical purposes it's served, and how I utilize that skill now gave me a few new ideas on how to proceed in the future. I want to honestly connect to others in ways that are healthy and mutually benefitial. I want that balance where you operate in a relationship all parties ultimately benefited, not having anyone compromise who they are or compromise important boundaries they've laid down for themselves. See a theme here? Relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, honesty?

So yeah, boundaries have been a big as well. Which ones I should place where, how to communicate them, how I feel about them. Communicating those effectively. Communication Skills For The WIN! It's amazing - when you ask for what you need, more often than not - you get it! It's also important to be specific with the words that I use - being CLEAR. Not mincing things because I'm squeamish I might offend someone.

A dear friend of mine, who's 18, gave me a 2" shift in perspective when I proclaimed there are parts of me I'm scared other people might not accept.

"We're adults now. We can be who we are and do what we want. If other people don't you because of who you are, that's their problem. If I worried about what people thought of me, I couldn't do my job. (She's a model)."

I felt so silly that someone almost a decade younger than I am had a more established grounded response in that than I did. But then again, if she can do it, so can I. So I've been increasingly being open and honest about who I am.

Part of that is coming out as polyamourous to those in my life, and as bisexual. Something not everyone understands or accepts, but I'm grateful that I live in a community that accepts and supports me as I am. And that I can, through being honest about who I am, creating intentional relationships that are meaningful and lasting. It's a beautiful thing to develop deeper appreciations for relationships I have with others, and so liberating to realize that they don't have to look like any preconceived notion of what a relationship is by standard majority. I am blessed to have such an abundance of beautiful loving caring people in my life.

So in short...working on being awesome in relationships, communication, boundaries, intentions, and letting honesty guide my heart and my life.

What's in a name?

2010-09-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

- My name is Amanda. Which means "Worthy of Love" in Latin. Ironically enough, my biggest hang up in life is that I don't believe I'm worthy of it.

9/16/10

A wound, an ache
that never stops bleeding.
Slices to my core
tearing me into pieces.
So I obfuscate the idea and
talk myself in circles,
trying to get away from it.
The answer seems simple.
Cover up the pain
Attempt to suffocate it away.
Drown myself in intimacy, attention,
intercourse, love.
If I'm touched enough,
maybe I'll quit believing
in that small
but potent voice
that degrades me everyday.
The insidious viral infection
that permeates my being will wither away.

p.s. most of my poetry relates to intense emotions, or taking an emotion and expanding and illucidating it. Which means most of them are sad. *I* am a generally very happy person. Do not let my writing fool you.

One of those endless nights

2010-09-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well hello,

endless night.

It's been a while.

I didn't know

you were going to stop by.

'course when you come

everything else goes....

and I'm left

in the pause

between dusk and dawn

waiting in the space

between thoughts.

Where silence has

no semblance of sense.

When the world goes away
and I'm left with myself
in the night before the day
I default to mindless play.
Match cards to each other,
Mahjong's a good game.
Little squiggles
matched to others.
Pictures that resemble each other
paired up.
I usually lose.
But when I win,
I get to play again.
Same elements,
just rearranged.

Centering

2010-09-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the artsy stuff has been consistent, but I don't believe I'm going to do much with RisingDawn at the moment. There's too much going on, and my interests have been all over the board. One of those times in my life when I get uber excited about a lot of different things, and it's getting too hectic. And at the same time, other things feel like they are falling apart. So back to centerting in on the things that matter.

9.07.10 centering

coincentric movements

lithe, limber, tenaciously tender

circles the center

closing in on the origin

of thought,

of matter,

of what matters.

Ideas Abound.......

2010-07-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

I've been brainstorming some of the pieces I'd be making out of recyled bicycle parts.

My list so far includes jewelry - earrings, necklaces, bracelets, etc... Also urban dream catchers made out of wheels/spokes and weaving odd bits into them, something along the lines of the below picture - but far more cleaner and sleek looking.

I'm also considering making purses and clutches out of recycled tubes, but that's dependent upon getting a working sewing machine that could handle that strength of material. I really like some of the items at Reclaimed Wreckage's Shop, like this purse.

Some more sellable items like business card holders made out of rims/chains, mirrors made out of gears/cogs, coasters and bowls made out of bicycle chains, magnets made out of bicycle cogs/gears, posssibly coffee tables made out of glass mosaic, bicycle rims for the top, and twisted/braided spokes around pieces of bicycle frames and/or handlebars for legs. I'm working on a few sketches right now as to what that would look like.

New Fun Stuff

2010-07-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Oh how wonderful life is sometimes, but the tricksy parts of it are finding balance amidst the chaos. Time has become a precious commodity now-a-days. It's summer here in Seattle, which means that everything starts happening - at once!

I wanted to pass along some of the major events that are coming up in the cycling community - some of which I'm putting some work into. I really enjoy having side projects involving bikes that are pretty freaking cool.

Dead Baby Downhill - August 6th

Sound to Mountains BikeFest - August 8th.

Seattle Bike Music Festival - September 11th

I'm also really excited because I just got artists space in the same quaint older building that Mobius is in. I'm really looking forward to pursuing all the hobbies I've put on hold or haphazardly done due to lack of space/and an area that's concussive to keeping doing those hobbies. Things like jewelry making, making balsam, lotions, soaps, shampoo, air fresheners, anything and everything out of essential oils and herbs. Writing poetry and short stories, making collages and random clip-art poetry in those collages, mixed media pieces, making clothing, etc... But I'm going to be focusing on making making art, jewelry, accessories, and household items out of recycled/trashed bicycle parts. Beautiful things to ride and once they wear down, beautiful things to look at and wear. :) I'm very excited about it.

I'm in the process of moving in right now, gathering materials and items I'll need to get everything up and running. My goal is to start selling the items I make on Etsy (RisingDawn will be the name to look for) and in a few bike shops around town in the next month or so, depending on when I can get the set up moved in completely and get my groove on.

Awesome Things

2010-06-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

So the desire to have all time be quality time has carried through into a few other aspects of my life. I'm thinking a little differently about my life and the choices I make in it right now. I've been thinking of life a little differently - I'm noticing the little things more and appreciating things I didn't necessarily pay attention to. For instance, in the last 24 hours I've had these thoughts:

Sleep soemtimes is less important than spending time with those you care about if you miss them.
I'm inspired and my faith in humanity is restored when other people do selfless things for others simply because they are honest good people.
Cuddling is awesome. Period.
Mornings are beautiful. Each day you wake up, you wake up from a little piece of unconcssious death and there's a whole new day for you to explore and enjoy. It's corney, but it's true - it's this amazing gift, a blank canvas where you can do whatever you so desire (and live with the consequences later....that's important to remember)
The early bird SOooooooooooooO gets the worm. Waking up to someone you care about putzing around is one of the most beautiful things you can experience.
Coffee with cream has the most amazing texture and taste ever.
Giggling makes me happy.
I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike. I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike.I love my bike..............................annnd I love my bike. I went on a short ride over lunch and not only did I see a few friends also on their bikes, which makes me happy, I had a great time.

Pretty Pictures

2010-06-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

There's a couple of great photos from a bike friend of mine that captures some of our fun times recently. Cargo Bike Ride memorial day was awesome, except for a little altercation I had with railroad tracks that resulted in a sprained knee and some ER visits, but I'm healing up well.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/espressobuzz/sets/72157624094867065/ Cargo Bike Ride photos

A while back we all hung out at Sylvies for a little party - (the coordination guru for the Seattle Bicycle Music Festival). http://www.flickr.com/photos/espressobuzz/sets/72157624103986455/

Seattle Bike Music Festival

2010-06-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

http://seattlebmp.wordpress.com/

Seattle bike Music Festival will be September 11th this year and I'm helping out. Fundraising and Raising Awareness.....go check it out, there's some amazing things that're happening in the following months. June 26th is the Rawk and Roll Alleycat Race and a Concert The Ride. Come check it out!!!!!!!!!!

"The Seattle Bicycle Music Festival is a 100% non-profit, volunteer-run grassroots organization. We aim to promote cycling culture in general, and build community throughout Seattle by using art, music, and bicycles to bring people together. The Mission of the Seattle Bicycle Music Festival is to promote sustainable culture in general and bicycle culture in particular, by physically engaging and immersing communities in the magic of bike culture, and cultivating and nurturing networks of local sustainable musicians, through our staging of usually free, community participatory, educational, bicycle-based music events"

Woooooooooonderful.

2010-05-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

Had a blissful weekend, for sure.

I started out having a fantastic salad with the girls - I believe eating together as friends every now and then is so important. The clouds were puffy and big and we laid down on the ground and basked in the sun in the courtyard. I got a chance to ride a fixed gear bike and was stunned with how smooth and good it felt on my joints, which have been giving me problems lately. Which is really frustrating because I currently only have one bike, Juliet, the Kona Jake and I'm building up the Purple Parmount, of which I will do an extended post on later. I lost my mountain bikes, so I need one of those, and now I want a fixed gear. *sigh* My wants definitely exceed my needs, or my abilities to ride all those bikes. It doesn't change the fact that I definitely want all of those. Bikes are too beautiful.

Friday was also this month's Dead Baby ride. The ride was SO much fun! We started off at the Canterbury Ales and Eats, which was a new place for me. I really loved it. It had shuffleboard, pool tables, and great ambiance. Granted, like usual, there were a lot of us, so it was pretty crowded, but I loved the place.

I got to ride with Mobius folks there, where one of them was riding a tall bike (something like the picture below) which was neat because a lot of folks on the streets stopped and stared/smiled/some cars went by and honked.

Like usual, I met a lot of wonderful people and had great conversations and just had a blast in general. The sense of family and camaraderie and genuine joy Dead Babies get out of coming together once a month to ride bikes and hang out is really amazing.

I ended up going home a little early and had a great rest-of-the evening with Ryan chilling at home.

This is Ryan, showing his sensitive side.

The rest of the weekend was just as awesome, we had amazing weather here in Seattle - just gorgeous. I got some great summer shirts and a scarf insanely cheap, since it's summer I was drawn more to the reds and lighter colors, which was nice. There was a lot of relaxing and then I took advantage of the day by jumping on my bike and riding around a bit. I ended up reading in the park, lying on the grass, watching the sun go down and went home to curl up in bed super early. Sooooooo nice.

Sunday was just as wonderful. I was super industrious at home, got up early and cleaned house and rearranged a bit (something I love doing) I also got a new spiffy camera...of which I will be using to take lots of pictures when I go back down to Kansas later on this week. The ride was gorgeous, weather perfect, and the breeze just right. I then introduced Ryan to the Crumpet Shop - DELICIOUS! :) We wandered around in Pike Place Market until the water taxi arrived and went on over to Alki. A beautiful meandering ride around the 'coast' and then we got to Atlas Road. Which is a hill. And by hill, I mean it goes up up up up up up up. *pant pant* up up up up up. It was worth it once I caught my breath again. We went to ABR, another bike shop, and hung out there for a while. I had a good time - I got to try to put together a spare hub, which I sort-of did. It was like a puzzle. Super fun. And I got to look at lots of fun pictures, and bikes (got to love bikes). Then the benefit of going all that up - the down was beaaaaaaaaaaaaautiful! So much fun. I broke 30 mph, which for me on that bike is pretty darn good. I cheated and got on the bus when we got back into downtown because I didn't want to climb up another hill to go home. Lazy bones I have.

I love weekends like these. Woooooooooonderful. Simply wonderful.

MOBIUS in "The Stranger" ------------- it mentions my new bike!

2010-05-03T16:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mobiuscycle/4562048073/

The Stranger

Taylor Hurley, bike stylist

Taylor Nichole Hurley, aka Niki, builds dream bikes at Mobius Cycle. After one too many times getting hit by a car as a messenger, Hurley, an experienced mechanic, decided to focus on her downtown bicycle boutique full-time. Mobius is known in the bike-geek world for hot, stylized fixies and steel road cycles that withstand daily use (and abuse). The bike she was plotting when I dropped in: a frosty purple vintage road frame on hand-built wheels with purple spokes, silver nipples, and matte white phosphorescent rims that glow purple in the dark.

It's a bit tricky to find the shop at first (official hours are late afternoon to late evening, details at http://www.mobiuscycle.com/), with its alleyway entrance and four floors to climb, but the huge loft space inside is like a secret world. You'll find a rack of hand-screen-printed Mobius T-shirts (one design has the namesake strip, another a 1973 compact Leica CL camera above the word "grain"). Some messengers might be winding down with pool and air hockey after a long day while an artist weaves cashmere underwear on a giant loom—the shop shares space with an array of artist studios. Hurley is also a professional photographer, a skill she honed to catalog her creations—find her bike-porn shots at www.flickr.com/mobiuscycle. But Hurley's bicycles aren't just sexy in appearance. "A junky bike will abuse your body, and your body will acclimate to the abuse," she explains. "When you ride a good bike that's solid under your body, and the wheels sing and the frame sings, you realize how good it can be." JESSE VERNON

What cookies taught me.

2010-05-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going to ignore the fact that I've not posted in forever because there was a lot of life changes that happened.....so that's that.

I've really come to realize in the last few weeks what "quality time" means. It's a phrase that's thrown around a whole lot, but has lost a lot of meaning in general conversation. What does quality time mean?

Mostly defined as: time devoted to somebody or something: time spent with friends or family in enjoyable activities that enhance the relationship. OR Time during which one focuses on or dedicates oneself to a person or activity.

I like: time devoted exclusively to nurturing a cherished person or activity.

I like that - devotion in exclusivity - nurturing a _cherished_ person or activity - and I like including myself in that "person" catagory. Time is so fleeting, so quickly gone. The years have passed so quickly recently and they're only going to seem to go by faster as I get older. I've realized I want each moment of my life to have meaning - for every day to be spent doing things of quality, even if it's relaxing with friends. Time should have meaning, we're given so much of it and most of it is wasted on zoning out mindlessly, or 'killing' it. I want to learn something with every interaction I have during my life - even if it's a reminder that naps are good for the soul or rice flour is sweeter than regular flour or a reminder that balloons stick to hair through static energy or that the wind is icky when biking against it. I want each thing I do to have purpose, to honestly pay attention to it, to devote myself to really cherishing those things around me that are beautiful and add meaning to my life, to enjoy the beautiful things that come out of my interactions with others, the world around me, and myself.

Yesterday I watched a woman make cookies. It was the most beautiful thing I'd seen in a long time. Simple and silly when I say it like that, but it's true. I was happy, drinking tea at the hearth of a place that felt like home, watching cookies being made, talking to friends, playing with balloons now and then, watching the wind whip the pink blossoms of the flowers outside and I was simply happy.

Watching her mix cookie dough in a blue ceramic bowl was so serene, homey, calming, uplifting, exemplifying togetherness, love of food, and hard work, dedication to having something be done right that I was for the first time in a long time - in the moment. And then those moments of amazing, learning things, sharing knowledge and passion for baking or balloons or board games continued most of the weekend.

Who knew that cookies could teach so much?

Beware

2010-03-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

It won't.

I'm realizing I'm growing, developing, changing, and become more of who I am. It's not easy, but it's not supposed to be. If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. ~Lynn Hall

So since I love quotations, and they soothe me when things are "not boring", I'm including some here for your viewing pleasure.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone. ~John Maxwell

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

But really -

It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory. ~W. Edwards Deming

Personally though, I don't want to survive - I want to thrive.

Dichotomy

2010-03-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Solitary

Remote from human connection

Secluded in apartness

Unattended

Without aid

To the exclusion of all others and all else

Only Lonely

Pluck

The heart as the source of emotion

Dauntlessness

To face pain

With spirit and bravery

Forging ahead

In spite of criticism

Hardship

Cruelty

Unfairness

Or shame

Still Here

2010-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm still here. Doing things. Being busy. Wonderfully deliriously exhaustingly busy. And happy. Beautiful amazing new friends and wonderful new experiences. However, I'm really tired. And sometimes a little over peopled. A little stretched thin (but in the most amazing way).

So...I'm learning how to balance everything and be clear to others when I need a break from the hectic, whirlwind of socialization.

I'm still here and alive.

And congratulations to my father for calling me first!

Done.

2010-01-29T20:37:00.000-08:00

Maybe 1 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep....not quite sure. 10 hour work day. Haven't had a day to myself since something like two weeks. I'm tired and supremely happy.

I was so busy I forgot my dear mothers birthday. HORRIBLE daughter!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!

I'm now going to sit down and watch some mindless TV, eat a frozen pizza and revel in the beer I've had. Things have been really beautiful and amazing - Antonio Banderas' "NINE" movie musical was just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen in the most amazing theatre.

In the past week I've learned a few things: Be who you really really really are - even if it's scary, even if it's not socially acceptable, even if it's something you've always been shying away from since you were self-aware.

Be happy. That's ALL that really matters.

Don't hurt others. It's not nice.

Be respectful.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

And then communicate some more, even if it makes you scared, makes you sad, makes you afraid. Because fear is simply a useless chain that holds you down.

I AM happy, I'm exclastic. I AM being who I always wanted to be. Granted, this has booked me beyond my capabilities sometimes (such as missing my mothers birthday), but it's been more than worth it.

Thank you.

Been Busy

2010-01-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

So it's been one of those times when my social calendar has needed managing. Which is difficult for me sometimes. I've done tons of blues dancing and drinking/catching up with friends

Thursday 1/7/10 Paul and I went on the .83 cycling club’s annual Christmas Tree Burning ride. Check out his photos from his flicker site. http://www.flickr.com/photos/vaticloupe/ So we stayed up really late that night as well. After the Golden Gardens burnination we went to a bar and shot pool for a while afterwards. It was SUPER FUN!!!

I also have physically met new friends (who're really amazing), and had challenging dinner to put together -- I had made dinner plans with friends on the same day Paul had booked tickets for Avatar and that was a huge rush. I hadn’t gone grocery shopping and they’re vegan. Hrm. I ended up making Falafals and Cumin Potatoes and Caramelized Onions with Green Beans and Pita Bread/Hummus with a Flourless Chocolate Cake.

I had a few unexpected occurrences, both happy and sad. Let's just say everyone around me, including me, had some severe emotional issues for a few days there and they all ended up overlapping. During this turbulent time, I also forgot to pick up my medication which meant I went through a day or two of intense withdrawals. Stupid body not working right. So I was out sick Sunday and Monday and have just felt like I'm catching up.

Really, though it's a breather since this weekend's jam packed with birthdays and meeting new people and pre parties and fun lunches!!

So I'm not gone, just busy.

A word that doesn't exist.

2010-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

I was in a state of being last night -
it was a word that doesn't exist.
Sounding like my heart slowly beating
in tune to memories clouded and washed over
with regret and repentance -
with longing and love tucked away
for safe keeping -
with nostalgia and childhood hurts
that heal imperceptibly slow.
This word means the soul wrenching sorry I feel
when I never got to say it
to the one person that it'd matter to the most.
It would be a recognition that who I was
is not who I am now.
I've learned things that weigh on my mind.
This non-word would be said with conviction
braced up by my heart, rooted in my soul,
with all of my voice.
But as much as I feel it,
as much as I know how it hurts
and how it heals,
this is the word that does not exist.

Besides, you aren't here to hear it.

Past Reflections.

2010-01-04T13:00:00.000-08:00

The new year is a time where everyone reflects on the past year and the year ahead. I like reflection both on the past and the future, so I'm going to.

2008 end was traumatic and hectic and the - well the image below is appropirate.

2009 was the creation of a whole new me.

New settings. New life. New boyfriend.

New desires, new drives, new complicaitons.

New pretty much everything.

So I took the barren landscape that was left over

and I started to recreate.

Trying for a colorful place in myself I'd be more at home in.

It was really different. I learned a lot and grew as a person. I had an absolutely AMAZING man to share my life with who helped me grow as a person. I started a blog, which I've grown to really love. Although some times it's hard to keep going with it. My attention span wanders quite a lot. For INSTANCE:

Biking and being "gnar"

I really started my love love relationship with cycling. I mountain bike raced a few times and around March was the fittest I was ever - at 200 lbs. I GOT my cyclocross/road bicycle and it's beautiful! I'm still in love with it (although I've had too many stupid flat tires recently.) I got a dual suspension mountain bike which was beautiful and I loved riding her - until I sprained my ribcage and got some pretty bad dirt rash on my forarms. That was a first as well - not something I'd recommend.

Fashion

I wasn't the girl who liked shopping, or clothes. I had three pairs of shoes. Running, flip flops, and work shoes. Maybe a pair of spiffy shoes I hadn't worn in four years stuffed in the back of my closet. Now.........Well, now it's a constant love of mine. I'm excited to see how the future turns out in relation to my aesthetic choices.

Medicine and Me

I went off the anti-depressants I'd been on forever, dealt with some hormonal repurcussions of another medication, and ended up in the worst physical stated I'd ever been in. CCS/Fibromayalgia became the center of my depression filled pain wracked world. And there were no answers. No end in sight to the fatigue. It was scary and horrible and the worst thing I've gone through. I had to readjust all my expectations of what I could do (like walk 4 blocks) and I was so sad.

Then I went back on low does of the SSRI for the nerve pain dampening effects and felt mostly all the way better.

Health and Others

This past year sucked for a lot of my loved ones on the health side. Dee had major surgery and it was really traumatic for me. (I got sick). My dad was in the hospital around Halloween and it wasn't touch and go, but it wasn't something that was an in and out either. Other's have also had health issues. This really was bad. I didn't like it at all.

Work

Stressful. Learning a lot, but it's really been a crappy year for our industry and it had major ramifications on my ability to be peppy several times.

Paul lost his job and started his dream career of trying to get published. Besides the financial affect it has had - it's wonderful having him home and happy and cleaning :)

New Things

I went kayaking for the first time.
I've met many many wonderful wonderful people. YAY!!
I've seen a few BEAUTIFUL operas.
I've done some AMAZING hikes.
I went to California for the first time and had a life altering experience there.
I got a beautiful haircut/color I'm in love with.

THE FUTURE

I have the rest of this freaking goal to achieve - getting to that damn target weight. I've lost a LOT of ground since my 200 lb low mark. I'm tired of this and I realize I've been bitching about this for ages. This isn't my new years goal. This is my promise to myself. I WILL DO the things I have no desire to do sometimes - I WILL put in the effort to get to where I want to be.

This morning was a great example. I woke up - it's pouring. I'm tired from the major hills I climbed yesterday on my bike looking for houses to rent. 15 miles of lots of elevation after a night at the gym where I seemed to be out to work my legs into a pulp. I could sleep in and bus it I thought, lying in my warm bed. It'll be cold and wet outside. That was my plan until I thought "If I don't want to be this size, I need to bike in." That did it. I got up, I made a healthy breakfast and coffee to take in, I loaded up my bag (HEAVY!), made a healthy lunch and biked my little butt into work the 6.5 miles. I was COMPLETELY SOAKED when I got into work. Think a long haired cat that's been caught in a hurricane. Except I was happy. And proud of myself. GO me!!

I'm going to life with Paul and a friend in a house this year. With a garden. And house breakfasts on Saturdays where others will be invited. And there will be lots of storage and room!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!! And people to talk to when I get lonely : )
My brother's graduating from college in March and I'm going back to Kansas.
I have "life" long term goals - after paying off debt/saving up I'm going to california for a bit then across Euope (longer out now since Paul got laid off)

That's it. I had a good/traumatic/hard/rewarding year. I'm glad it was there. I learned a lot. I backslid several times. But that's the way life goes, right? I had a freaking SPECTACULAR new year's eve and I'm totally stoked at the beauty, friendship, and adventures the upcoming year holds. I'd prefer no more CCS-type suprises, though. A simple request to the universe from a simple girl.

Layers?

2009-12-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is my first EVER attempt at the "layered" look. I almost didn't take pictures this day. I think I tried on 1/2 my closet. And then gave up. And then went "LAST CHANCE" and tried on this top (which is one of my favorites). Then shrugged at Paul, said "screw it, it'll show my transition over time." I liked the outfit while wearing it - sort of. I love the new sweater tights. I love the $3 denim mini skirt. But my secret weapon is a plutonium core - I'm ALWAYS warm. So wearing 4 layers on my lower torso area was kinda driving me nuts. I felt like a mummy. I need to shed some of ME before really being comfortable with this look again. Plus, this helps me realize the sitting position doesn't look as great as standing. So after that rounding bit of "meh" at this outfit, here it is. My attempt at layering.

And while I was wading through the photos, uninspired by them all,

I figured I'd "Crack out" one of them to just have fun.

Blissed Out.

2009-12-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have four "draft" posts and haven't posted anything legit in more than a week. I know it's Christmas and everything, but it's really not my excuse. I've been really blissing out here recently. Absolutely completely just *happy* every day pretty much all day for about a week now. I'm not sure I could really translate and make people understand why since it's mainly been very mundane, simple, things....but I don't much care. I'm very very happy. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

I guess I could explain the fundaments by saying time off from work is beautiful. Simply beautiful. I had a great Christmas party at work. Paul got his kilt I bought him (pictures to come soon). We did some shopping for that (belts/socks/tights/etc...). That was super fun. I've ate amazing food at multiple different restaurants. I spent some time with some great friends - a good good friend came up from SanFran. I bonded a lot with Paul (insert adorable "awwwww" here). Shot pool and drank beer one night a week ago that was beyond amazing. Got some smashing deals on AMAZING clothes daaaaahrling!!! Denim mini skirt for $3 or so, which you will see soon in my first attempt at doing the layering look. (I'm not super happy about the pictures, as I'm always missing one or two pieces crucial to make an outfit work. But meh.) I finally found sweater tights for over 1/2 off. And I've had a few major but beautiful revelations internally regarding what I want out of myself/life that will change my future. I introduced myself to a couple of gorgeous people one night at our neighborhood bar, and now we have new years eve plans. And...........

On one bliss ladened day when Paul and I were wandering around, eating and shopping, I ran into a poet who stole my heart from the first time I met his soul in a poem. I bought a book leather bound from him on the street outside of Denunzios in Pioneer Square a few years ago. Completely random purchase, but it was absolutely beautiful. It was a journal of a cross country journey and some poetry sprinkled in. I devoured it. After my boyfriend had gone to bed, I crept outside on my little balcony, smoking late into the night with only the glow of twinkle lights wrapped around our balcony to light my way. I felt raw and exposed. Loved and challenged by the choices I'd made in my life that I knew weren't what I wanted for myself. I felt like someone was speaking for the person inside of me I had let die. And it allowed me to feel like I was with him on that journey across the land and time, feeling what he felt, the ennui, the passion, the fierce freedom and wild need and genuine disdain for the grinding monotony that can ensnare. Frankly - I felt that it reflected my own soul's journey and I was in love. "Fight, Flight, and Surrender" by Brett McGibbon.

If you read his stuff and understand it - you'll understand me. The only thing I keep coming back to to help describe why his writing is SO amazing and why I feel so moved by it - is that our souls have traveled down the same path - we may have had different environments, different experiences, different time frames, different outsides - but the essence of who we are is traveling side by side, or in a consecutive line, and his words and feelings resonate with me in an indescribable way. He's the only writer I've truly felt knows the inner corners of my soul, the essence of who I am. Feeling as if through his writing and how he expresses himself he has perfectly put every indescribable gnawing gnashing freeing exhilarating experience I've ever experienced. Gave me a voice to what I had inside when I never thought I'd find mine. He has a good soul/a good heart/a trueness to him that is so very hard to find. I found him again a few days ago, outside the same restaurant, selling his leather bound books to passerbyes. I'd searched for him for a while, but never could find him. And on that day I walked out of that restaurant while he was walking in. I went back and asked him, "Are you that poet who sold books outside this store." And we had a GREAT conversation. I cannot wait to talk to him again in person, perhaps a bit more in depth. So I bought his first novel, Lucifer's Redemption, 8 years in the making.

And every time I read his works, I resolve I'm going take it slow, because when I read it an openness blooms and expounds and transforms peeling off larger and larger layers of honest, pure, lightness of heart. Emotions become everything. I guess it's like a personal, emotional, inspirational epiphany. And invariably every time I devour his words like they will vanish if I don't read them. I cannot wait to take it all in and feel that amazing feeling of connectedness, the feeling that someone who doesn't even know me really and truly understands me.
I know this (and his website) might be a little hokey, but his writing is amazing. Please, if you ever get the chance to read one of his books/poetry/journal - do. Don't wait. Please. Go to his website, order something, and give it a chance to change your perspective, perhaps change your heart.

Wish Want Love Covet...

2009-12-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

5" Heels? A little much...but I still want them.

Super cute tiny little pretty earings.

I'm in love with strappy suspendery type things lately.

I desperately need sock garters. Yes. Sock garters.

I want them.

And I love Amerian Apparel's tights/leggings/hose.

These slit leggings look so fashion grunge.

And would add great texture to a lot of things.

These would look bitchen' with my new suspenders.

Add a little pizzaz.

How hot are these?

That's all I got to say.

This is the Season's Abundance

2009-12-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

So since the sun only comes out once in a blue moon around this time of year, outfit posts are rare. Here's an outfit that I really like wearing with the abundance from this birthday/christmas bounty. Part of what I like about it is the versatility in how it comes across. Although I now need a skirt to go with my fedora. The jeans were ok, but I'd love (well, jeans that fit) and something a little flareier. If that's a word. Oh!!! AND I Got a new haircut - it's asymmetrical, spikilicious and I'm in love with it!

I LOVE these red and black cowboy boots and the purse

was purchased with the birthday gift from Mom Susan.

When I go dancing I wear the really pretty flower my Ranch Mom gave me,

sometimes in my hair, sometimes clipped to my clothes.

The streaks you're seeing in the photos are raindrops.

These earrings/necklace my mamma gave me and they're absolutely beautiful!

The hat I picked up at a placed called VAIN downtown

and I was totally stoked, because it was only $16 and I think it looks great on me.

I also love this outfit, because take off the hat (so you can see my new haircut), pull the shirt off the shoulders and you get a great view of my first tattoo.

Shirt - thrifted Ross $8

Jeans - thrifted ? $13?

Vintage Boots - $40

Hat purchased VAIN - $16

Purse thrifted $20

Flower - gift

earrings/necklace - gift

You Tube Wanderings

2009-12-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

Started out with....Draft Punk's Technologic - FANTASTIC HANDS, since while I'm filling out spreadsheets I sometimes like to rock out to this high awesome beat. And the to their better harder faster stronger. I quit that shortly because I started thinking about made me think about the best robot lesbian love music video ever....bjork of course, "All is full of love. Then randomly went to ....Bad Romance from another blog I was purusing. And then for some reason I thought of the LOVE SHACK. And then on to Madonna Vouge. LOL then "I'm too Sexy" song, which is just hillarious to think that so long ago I thought that was cool. Flashback to the 80's with "Footloose"...Then some meanderings to The Streets - Irony of it All and it's hilarious. I love English street speak/rap. So of course, I needed to hit up dans le sac "Thou Shalt Always Kill" which is freaking amazing. And after some meandering I ended up on William Shatner's "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Hilarious.

Green Tea Disease

2009-12-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

There's a disease I must warn others about. It's worse than the piggy-flu and much more nasty than any little bug found out there. It's the Green Tea Disease. Now, I like green tea. As Tea. I like healthy food and some "hippie" food too. I honestly like tofu. BUT there is a line. And I inadvertently wandered into the dark side a few weeks ago and needed to share.

I came home from a busy day and needed to make things for a party at work. So I threw some stuff together and while I was whipping stuff up in the kitchen, I found a box stuck way back in the cupboard that was "Green Tea Muffin Mix". It doesn't sound appealing, but it only takes an egg, some water and oil, so I thought why the hell not? It required the same amount of temperature and time as something else that was going in the oven, so why not kill ( or create) two birds (or goodies) with one stone (or stove)?

I popped the liquid ingredients together and then opened the bag *shivers of horror* I was skeptical looking at the box, but smelling the aroma off the dry mix alone sent me into nauseated waves of serious doubt. Since I had already mixed the liquid ingredients (that could not be used for anything else) there was no loss if I went ahead and made them. I tentatively gave a nod to the hope they would turn out better once they cooked. Mixing the wet and dry stuff together was a little more horrific. The mix turned a baby puke green and smelled like...well...what green baby puke would smell like if it was packed with decaying powdery plumes of clay.

Sometime later I peek in the oven and try to not inhale the fumes erupting from the muffin tin. I did facebook and blog type things waiting for them to cook. And cook they did. I pulled them out of the oven and I was *this close* to throwing them away without trying one. I didn't want to try them. But I wanted to know how they tasted. Dilemma time. So I stared at them for a long time. I have Paul, who can't smell very well, so I thought about just giving him one to be my little guinea pig. But decided since I love him I couldn't put him through that without some sort of warning, especially if it made him ill. So I put them in a bag on the counter and stared at them for a while.

Paul meandered in from his den into the kitchen, something that typically happens when I bake. Suddenly there are people right there as soon as the cookies, or bars, or whatever come out of the oven. I was poking tentatively at what I considered "the green abominations" and looked at him.

"They're Green Tea Muffins from the back of the cupboard. I can't try one - it smells too hideous. Nauseating" (See how I'm very clear on my position, letting him know that since _I_ will not eat it, he is under no obligation to.)

He shrugged and said he'd try one. Brave!

After taking a bite he looks at the muffin and then at me. "Tastes like a muffin," he said. "A little odd, but like a muffin."

I squinted suspiciously at him.

He raised the muffin towards my face and I took a sniff of the bitten part. Shivering in disgust, I pulled sharply back and said, "It smells nauseating."

Shrugging, he sauntered back into his den with a muffin in one hand a fresh seven layer bar (Which turned out nicely) on a plate in the other. There is something to be said about a less than sensitive nose.

This has got to be one of the first times I've made something I'll let other people eat without eating myself. But somehow, my self-preservation instincts let me be ok with that. So, in the future, I warn ye wary eaters - Green Tea Muffins = Green Tea Disease.

Self-insight in a REALLY long post.

2009-12-10T08:54:00.001-08:00

I grew up really quickly in some ways and have been frequently pegged as being wise beyond my years, or extremely mature. In other ways, though I'm VERY much let the child in the back seat of my brain drive. I've been going through an ongoing lesson about something these last few months, but it came to a head on Friday and I'm struggling with my first concious baby steps today.

You MUST do what you need to do,

ESPECIALLY when you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do it.

Frankly this seems reasonable, logical, and a given - common sense. And for most things that I jsut don't like doing, it doesn't really apply. I can do things I'm not excited about, things I don't care about, or things that are painful, but short lived without too much hemming and hawing. But I have a few things I REALLY REALLY don't want to do or don't like to do or just have an evil aversion to. This main issue recently is getting back on track with my health goals. In this case, the small child living in my brain (don't worry - she's fictionary and doesn't take up too much space) screams at me:

"NO! NO! NO!

I don't WANT TO!

It's not FAIR! It's HAAAAAARD. And I don't want to!

I was going to be all grown up and I could do WHATEVER I wanted

and I wouldn't HAVE to do things I didn't want to do.

That's the only GOOD thing about being a stuipd adult."

I want to be healthy and happy and keep up with my friends during activities. I want desperately to fit into all these pretty clothes that don't fit right now. But I'm feeling this powerful draining aversion to getting started again.

Besides just being a pain in the ass and whining, my child brain whines: Changing my habits are SOoooooo hard. It takes Sooooooo much energy. It CONSUMES all my time and there are SO many things I'd rather do (and eat!). It'll take forever to reach my healthy goal. Not forever, but at least 6 months of intense, life consuming working out and tracking and obsessive counting of calories. I was THERE before. I know how much it takes to get there and stay there and that was when I was excited about it. I'm not now.

But I know it's worth it. For So Very Many Reasons.

Clothes: they have their own section:

To fit into all the beautiful clothes I so desperatly want to fit into. And to buy clothes I want to buy instead of being regulated to a small subset of clothes I ONLY fit into.
I can buy cute tights (and knee high socks) and not have to worry they'll be too small
Right now I can't buy most calf / thigh boots because I have large legs.
Garter belts. Garter belts. And then some more.
Regular belts will FIT, as of right now my waist is too large for most "normal" belts
Pretty sexy under garments - nuff said. Every girl wants them, every guy likes them. They look better on smaller girls.

The rest of the Reasons - the important ones:

I won't feel like when my friends make comments of larger people they apply to me. That hurts. It's not something people think of, but it's true. You dislike someone and list their flub/overweight as part of that reason - I weight just as much or more - you're commenting on me too whether or not you want to be, you are.
I'll take better pictures for my blog.
Less aches - it hurts the knees and back to carry around these extra lbs.
To be as attractive on the outside as I feel on the inside.
To increase my self-confidence.
Simple, stupid, but important-to-me reasons, crossing legs will be easier, I could sit in smaller areas (like the bus and cars) without feeling squished, airplane seas will be ~sort of~ more comfy (they're never REALLY comfortable)
To be able to keep up with my friends, or give them a run for their money when we go out together. I'd like to be the one that wears out the last instead of the one that wears out the first.
To increase the chances of being healthy enough to have the fibromayalgia suddenly dissapear. Then I can get off the medication. It's a shot in the dark, but the fibromayalgia occurence was from out of the dark as well.

I know the little girl complaining stems from simplistic, base fears. I'm afraid of failing. I know it's MORE of a failure if I don't do anything at all (and ignore it) - but I'm vastly more afraid of trying and failing than I am of not doing it all. And what if I go through all that hard work and end up back where I started? What if I start and it's hard/difficult/painful and I don't possess the strength of will to carry through with it? What will that say about my character? That is what's bothering me most about all of this. What does it say about my character that I continually have problems following through to the end with this? Where is my stamina and my strength of will to do what I need to do when I REALLY REALLY don't want to do it. I'm letting my fear stand in the way of me being who I want to be. And that's not like me.

So I'm starting over - againagainagainagain, even though I said was starting "again" in this post. I sounded very gung-ho there. Really excited. Super into it. Problem was I got myself psyched up and was relying on my enthusiasm and my "stoked about it" feelings to keep me going. When that ran out (pretty quickly) I had no backbone of structure for myself to rely on. My attention wavered. I got interested in fashion, I started making jewelery, I started making some clothing pieces, sewing by hand. All of these I started to get SUPER exctied about. And like a child, where I saw shiny pretty I ran off to and left my obligations behind. And at this point I have an obligation to meet my goals set oh-so-long ago to be healthy and achieve my target weight. An obligation to myself, to those around me who love me (if I'm healthy it'll be more time they can spend with me later on and I'm happier when I'm healthy).

So I'm going to do these things that I'm afraid to do. I'm going to give myself reasons why I can instead of reasons why I can't. I want qualities like determination and bulldog tenacity to something I want (even if I'm afraid of what it might take to get there). So I'm going to act as if I already have them. Because I know even though I don't have the enthusiasm *now* I will in a while (not a day or two, but a month or so). Because after I start doing it, the motivation will come naturally. Milton Garland: "My advice is to go into something and stay with it until you like it. You can't like it until you obtain expertise in that work. And once you are an expert, it's a pleasure." Not like I'm expecting to become an expert, but good enough to know a thing or two. Besides, "That which is bitter to endure may be sweet to remember." Thomas Fuller.

Basically, I want to be proud of myself. I want to be proud of the strength of will and power I posses not only mentally, but eventually strength and power physically as well. And some sexieness to boot. 'Cause that never hurts.

So....to the gym tonight. My plan is still to do something along the lines of a sprint triathalon, although the one in july I was planning for is all sold out. So a revamping of short term-mid term- and long term goals is required.

You know - this really isn't all that bad though, going through this back and forth IF I really learn the lesson this time. It takes some people a LONG time to learn simple lessons like this one. That's what life is. So all I need to do to make ALL this time "wasted" actually worth it is to take to heart that:

I MUST Do What I Need To Do....

ESPECIALLY When I Really REALLY Really Don't Want To Do It.

It could be worse....

2009-12-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, Yesterday I was going to have a little MergleBurgleMucmbleSmchumble meandering about my morning blah and irritation the last couple of days thus far. But then I left to grab a bite to eat and in our elevators there are TVs (Horrible, I know, but it's my 30 seconds of news everyday) And the headline was New York: Man Stuck in Cesspool. I thought - Wow, that's got to suck. You know, my endless meeting minutes taking and typing isn't too bad. And the whole me-not-knowing-what-to-wear - pulling everything out of my closet, trying everything on, knowing if I don't PUT CLOTHES ON I'll miss my bus thing totally get puts into perspective. So. When you think you're day is sucking like nothing else, or you're just having a moderately "Meh" day. Think - it could be worse. You could be stuck in a cesspool.

Some Giveaways

2009-12-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

Really nice Kichenaid Mixer Giveaway.

Also a necklace giveaway.

YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

2009-12-07T17:55:00.000-08:00

YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

OK, ok, ok.

(I'm excited)

I GOT THE BOOTS

for my birthday!!!!!

They're pretty and sexy and fit well and the heel is perfect and they're stable and gorgeous and awesome and I love them....I really REALLY REALLY Love them!

(thank you SO much Mamma!)

Birthday Outfit Post

2009-12-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, I read other fashion bloggers. I look at the pictures they've posted of their outfits. All I'm going to say is bear with me while I learn what poses are good, which aren't, etc... and thanks to Paul for taking these. The lighting is a bit much (finally - Sun came out in Seattle!), and Paul might fix them later on, but I'm horrible with editing photos, so I'm going to post as is.

There are a couple of things about this outfit. 1. Everything is given, made, or thrifted except for the tights (American Apparel).

Kerchif was thrifted for $6

Leather Jacket thrifted last year for ~$35?

Shirt given to me

"Key to my Heart" earrings and necklace made by me.

White pleated skirt thrifted for $2

Wide belt (a new bday purchase!) $2.75

Leather Gladiator Platform Shoes thrifted $30 - a little much for me and shoes, but they FIT and they're HOT.

Red Purse thrifted for $4

Check out the 2nd to last image - my eyes are so green!

My bday was wonderful. Thank you to all who called and wished me well! (especially my mom!) and thanks for the gifts! "Ranch Mom" (Paul's mom) gave me a beautiful flower hair clip similar to the one I wished for in an earlier post. Susan Mom (Rich's mom) was so kind and gave me a beautiful card with some finances that let me buy this wonderful belt, along with an Awesome Kenneth Cole Purse, which will show up soon - believe me. Thanks to everyone else!!!

I had a wonderful breakfast at Besalu - Seattle's best pastry shop with my neighbor Scott. Paul and I thrifted until Shana whisked Paul and I away for good coffee and a surprise massage which WAS AMAZING. Good beer and food at Die Bierstube. A night of couch cuddling and sleepy dreams awaits, so I must away!

Boot and Belt Madness

2009-12-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with boots, but with large feet (size 11, or 42 European) it's practically impossible to find good boots in my size. In face I frequently have to go to ...um...more..."slutty sites" is really the only appropriate term I can think of. Tranny sites also have my size in boots. Go figure. Anyway, I stumbled across this site which has some actually cute shoes in my size. Mmm.. add to the covet list. Ignore the half naked ladies that were included in the pictures. I will NOT be dressing like them.

And for the belts. I have ONE belt currently I bought in high school. I realized this morning that I am going to fantasize about having some more right now. Since my boyfriend originally got laid off in June, this is the first time I'm really feeling the >crunch<>

Back to the belts, though. I have a love hate relationship with them. I love the idea of them. I need them when I lose weight and my pants start to drape, but they hate to look good on me. I have to be SUPER careful about which belts I wear, as my curvy waist doesn't always look great in all belts, especially with the big and chunky bright belts which seem to be the most recent fad. I've been looking at every store I go to but nothing stands out to me. What can I say? I'm picky. But I think it's well worth it to be picky.

This is a wide belt I could totally dig.

I LOVE this "equestrian belt". Can't really explain why...the mild bondage aspect to it (I love that look), or the clean lines with the simple accents?

Gotta have a red patent leather belt in your arsenal.

Not sure if I'd wear this with my fashion aesthetic, but I'm intreguied by this Autumn Belt

Wish Want Love Covet 2

2009-12-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Such a cute top - very versitile - very girl-scouty (which I sucked at, by the way)

I LOVE the pink and the little details

I REALLY want some more very feminine blouses.

Can't see the detail very well with this picture,

but this would also be a great versitile piece. The bow makes me smile.

This is AMAZING. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the roses.

SO sleek but feminine too. I love flouncy,

and I think I'd be able to pull off the flounsy-ness of it.

So adorable. Mink and Bow Headpiece. Yay.

A girl friend of mine and I went browsing last Sunday and she kept putting hats on me. We laughed like girly-girls. It was SO fun. She lives a couple states away and that makes me a little sad, because I LOVED hanging out/browsing with her. She's adorable like me in an alpha-female, don't take crap, but still giggly way.

SuperWoman

2009-12-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

In high school my teacher/coach/mentor/father figure once told me I needed to quit trying to be SuperWoman. I kept trying to do everything and be everything everyone needed and be perfect all the time. Blame it on my personality, my birth position, my astrological sign, my parents, whatever. It's in me. And I really loved the idea of being SuperWoman, being the one everyone (including myself) could count on, but it never worked. I'd try to do too many things. And I didn't quite get that being human meant sometimes, most times, well almost all the time - you're never perfect and SuperWoman was a crazy chick who fought crime with a ridiculous outfit. Seriously. Who fights crime in bright red and blue with just a tiny skirt, flashing her undies, and an upper chest that rivaled Barbie's?

I still tried. And I got burnt out. I grew up some since then, but sometimes when I flag or lose energy or spunk I think I'm not doing that much - this should be simple! So I relearn that some days a few things is too much. Somehow I still think I should be able to get up early, be domestic, have me time, go to work, come home, go to the gym to work out, spend some time blogging, bake some more Christmas cookies/candies, watch some TV with the boy, and do the dishes and still get to bed early. It doesn't really happen that way.

So I fight with the SuperWoman in my head. Telling her it's all right to chill out and be a little broken. It's important to take time to rest and get the mental/emotional/physical parts working again before trying to save the world, or make it a better place. I'm learning I have a lot of patience for just about everyone but myself. Sometimes getting tired at the thought of getting though the next long day. But as corny as it is..."this too shall pass"...does help. Nothing is permanent - everything is transitory. And this long day will pass and there will be a brighter (albeit a colder one in Seattle) the next day.

When I need reinforcements, I do turn to these saying that've been passed down through the years. Must have a grain of wisdom if it's been around long enough to be a proverb, right?

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying

I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. ~Abraham Lincoln

To Do List

2009-12-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

Friend asked me today

what my long term plans are

After not much thought, I had my response

"Surviving"

I'm not fighting against the world

not myself

nor am I hiding.

I'm present and accounted for,

though right now,

I'm not sure how much actually counts.

I'm doing my best,

but I won't break myself to get there.

At times,

all you can do is just deal.

It was at the top of my to do list today

Surviving.

/ Check. /

A few links to some giveaways....

2009-12-01T13:50:00.000-08:00

Here's one for some awesome jam!

And another from Fantastically Frugal - Awesome prizes!

Another for a pair of designer earrings from Kara and Brooke Designs.....

I'm a Winner!

2009-11-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a Winner!!

From: Vue Society

I won the Jasmine Discover Gift Set. "6,800,000 jasmine sambac blossoms requried to produce one liter of jasmine essential oil for HARNN's Jasmine Collection of hair and body care products to pamper and tantalize your sensees with all nat ural active ingredients....White Rice Soap, Jasmine Natural Hair and Body Shampoo, Jasmine Natural Conditional, and Jasmine Natural body Lotion." It'll be a great excuse to go to Bellevue and take a look at their store. Review to follow.

Wish Want Love Covet

2009-11-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

Going Dizzy with this Navy Dotted Secretary Blouse.

A brown I could fall in love with.

Vintage Art Deco Purse.

Pretty in Pink Dress.

Absolutely gorgeous pink blouse. Too bad it's too small for me. :(

Full of....

2009-11-26T10:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks for those things in my life that I love.

0 - My family. I'm not seeing them for a while, and I miss them on the holidays.

0 - Paul, who is infinitely the most wonderful partner for me.

0 - The sounds of the city, they sooth me and remind me I live exactly where I want to be.

0 - My health. The last year's trials have shown me how huge that is.

0 - My life up until this point, because it's helped create who I am today. And I'm thankful for my thought process, perspectives, quirks, and outright oddness.

0 - The transient nature of life. Good things come, then go. But the hard sad things do too. "This too shall pass."

0 - Teddy bears to sleep with. (That's right. I'm not ashamed.)

0 - Puppies and friends who offer to share their home with you on a moment's notice.

0 - The unique nature of individual personalities and that I get to enjoy their contribution to the world and my life.

0 - Baking. It's a source of joy to me.

0 - The color red. This is not trivial. It makes me so happy.

0 - My job. That I have one and it's a good place to work.

0 - Sleep.

0 - Seattle.

0 - That I get to share my thoughts and feelings and rants and raves and randomness with you all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Give thanks.

Black and White Stripes and Diamonds

2009-11-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

It's a really simple outfit, but shows off the couple of new pieces I got.

Shoes: Payless ~$10

Awesome Tights: ?Nordstrom? $?

Dress: Diva Dollz ~$50

*New to me* Striped Sweater: Diva Dollz ~$45

*New to me* Black Seed Bead Braclet: Junk Thrift $3

*New to me* Pearl Necklace: Junk Thrift: $18

*New to me* Earings: (thrift) $0.50

Just how little?

2009-11-25T23:51:00.001-08:00

I know I keep mentioning that I have no clothes. After reorganizing my clothes a while back I took photos of how minimalist my wardrobe is. And here it is. This is how little clothes I have. To be fair my socks, hose, and unmentionables are in my dresser. Along with 5 more pairs of pants/1 skirt. (And my lounge around the house clothes)

1/2 of this is my bike clothes (shorts, jerseys, and shirts)

1/2 of this is:

1. my casual shirts

2. my skirts

These are all of my

1. boleros/cardigan type things

2. work shirts

3. dresses

And that's all folks! I have the fashion bug,

but just not the clothes to take it to the next level at this time.

Birthday/Christmas Wish List

2009-11-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

So it's my birthday in less than 2 weeks. Christmas is coming up. But I'm broke and poor and I've DESPERATELY been coveting things clothes/shoes/jackets/beads/etc... recently. It's frustrating that I can only very gradually acquire wardrobe items, but when I go to put them on I realize I have nothing else to go with them. Found a cute $1 skirt...but have no shoes (or blouse) to go with it. Found a beautifully white and black striped adorable cardigan-esque cotton jacket. But no shirt that will go underneath it it.

GRAH!

Anyway, I was making a list for others as to what I would like for Christmas (honestly, given the situation most of everyone is in financially, a smile/call/hug will suffice because that's about all I can afford now). But I figured it'd be fun to list some of the things I've been drooling over/would love to have. A list of "If I had a bunch of money to drop..."

And I've tried linking the photos to the websites....but it seems like it's having problems.

Cute little adorable blouse.

Gorgeous red clutch

Who can't use a polka dot scarf?

And this abstract scarf ROCKS my socks off.

So chic. AND affordable. Amazing.

Granted, these ARE a little elfish, but the swooshieness of them attracts me.

I want these. I want these. I want these.

Oh how I want these.

Very cute and elegant ID case.

I have one pair of jeans right now. One. And they're baggy. So I want more jeans.

Red. Sexy. Want.

A classic shoe (once again, I don't have).

Sassy and spunky.

They'd be great for a lot of things.

And that's the end of my completely consumeristic and silly want fest. I'm going to go back later and try to make all the stupid links work. Most of these were from www.etsy.com or www.whitehouseblackmarket.com . Anyway, I've got a ton more posts to do...it's just been super busy and stressful lately.

Hugs!

Word of the Day

2009-11-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

Sequestered.

verb

1. to remove or withdraw into solitude or retirement; seclude.

2. to remove or separate.

I need to recharge and find center.

Sequestering seems suitable, secure, safe, sincerely sublime.

Red and Black in the Dreary Gray Seattle Rain: Outfit Post #1

2009-11-14T15:00:00.001-08:00

OK, so since I live in Seattle and I work a regular job....I never see the sun in the fall/winter. Which is why I won't be posting any pictures of my outfits when I really like them. I was insistant on taking some photos today even though I'm wearing the comfiest, least post-worthy clothes. There was no sun. It was also very cold and rainy today. It was difficult to get good shots with the lighting and the rain, but it's good enough for one of my first posts. I'm going to include posts of Paul's outfits as well, as - well - he ALWAYS looks put together.

Outfit:

Scarf - random shop somewhere in Seattle,

T-shirt - Threadless "Flowers in the Attic" - MY FAVORITE SHIRT

bead/silver bracelet - Thrift store

Red and Black Socks - Monster Store "Sock it to Me" socks

Converse Sneakers - Thrift store

Awesome freaking umbrella - vintage store

Jeans - consignment shop.

Paul's favorite camel colored 3/4 length coat yesterday when we went to breakfast at Besalu.

I love Besalu!

Amazingly warm casual coat he found while thrift store shopping with me yesterday.

I really love this outfit on him.

It's like the weather today in that it's very muted,

but he looks so good in it.

MMMMMM.... Pumpkin Pie

2009-11-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

I made a pumpkin pie on Monday for desert as a neighbor was coming over for dinner and WOW. I never realized how EASY pumpkin pie was, my first one ever and it came out amazing! It was so pretty I had to take pictures. Check out the juxtaposition... there's a pumpkin (and an orange) behind it :) ORanGE-TasTIC! I know I'm silly, but it totally made me happy.

Diva Dollz

2009-11-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite boutique ever. Fantastic vintage-esque beautiful high quality items. It's in Seattle in Pioneer Square and the people who run it are FABULOUS. A must check out if you're in Seattle. It's where I got all the items for this outfit.

Completely Pointless Post

2009-11-12T21:48:00.000-08:00

My boots (previously mentioned) came to Seattle. They were somewhere SO close to me...and were delivered to somewhere that did not exist...so they were returned to LA vintage. And now I have to wait ALL OVER AGAIN for them to come back. It makes me cry I want them so badly. Please hurry!

:*(

BUT! Little Red Studio blues dancing is tomorrow night. Which is wonderful and happy. I love the space, the vibe, the music, and the dancing. And on another completely random side note, I'm proud that I went to the gym tonight when I really didn't really really didn't want to. Go me.

Fashion Focus...Product Runway

2009-11-11T15:06:00.001-08:00

My company, CollinsWoerman, participated and helped put on Product Runway this year (last year too). Check it out on King 5, our local news station.

If I were in lavender violet purple fantasy land

2009-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

I would have amazing lavender violet purple clothes to lavish in every day. One of the best colors ever. I love it because, well, it looks good on me (who doesn't love that). It transforms my look into a more feminine allure and reminds me so fondly of my childhood. Curled up in my mothers lap, with one of her soft lilac fuzzy sweaters against me, I felt the most safe and loved as I ever had. And since my mother is in love with purple and I have tons of fond memories of her and I together, it's association as well. Purple=warm and happy.

...However, I really don't have much purple in my wardrobe except a shirt or two and a scarf (Again, withthe wardrobe being woefully inadequare). So I began poking around - what awesome other apurple/violet/lavender things could I get?

I loved the chunkiness of this belt, but the linear lines rock to accentuate narrow. Too many chunky belts make people look too large, since they don't connect linearly. I think this does it amazingly well.
The tights just rock. Can't argue with that

I would buy this lavender extravaganza dress.

And this skirt, even with it's ruffles and bows. 'Cause it's cute.

And this purple jacket, though tiny (couldn't find a bigger picture) looks fantabulous. I love, again, the linear elements of the buttons. A little sassy but stylish at the same time.

Poor Man's Beef Bourguignon

2009-11-09T16:27:00.001-08:00

So I've mentioned I've made my poor man's version of Beef Bouguignon a couple times in my blog. I took pictures the last time I made it, so figured I'd give the recipe and show them off. Sadly, I was so hungry and excited by the time I finished I didn't take a pretty plated picture of it. I just ate it :) These portions are for two people, not a whole lot of leftovers, but enough for another 3/4 portion.

1. Cook the bacon, about 6 slices.

2. Once crispy, remove bacon and drain. Remove 1/2 the grease in pot and reserve.

3. Break up a head of garlic, put a few tablespoons of red wine in there, wrap in foil, roast at 350 degrees until smooshy (~45 min). As this is a pauper's version of this recipe I simply use driest red wine we have around. House wine here in Washington is great, it's a blend of tons of reds, and is cheap, but good. I use that..

4. Prepare beef by cutting into cubes and patting dry, season with salt and pepper. Use good tender meat, not cheap meat.

5. Cut up carrots and onions. Saute in the 1/2 portion of bacon grease left in pot until they are good and tender.

6. Remove veggies.

7. Sear meat in SMALL batches until it's got a great browned outside. I kinda suck at this, but it's the goal.

8. Put veggies and meat in same pot, take the roasted garlic out of the oven and smoosh it, adding the creamy garlic pulp to the mess. In another container, add some flour ~1/4 cup about 2 cups beef broth to cover the mess, a couple of TBS of tomato paste, some oregano, basil, thyme, and a bay leaf (removed at the end). whisk it around, add it to meat and veggies, and pour over beef and veggies. Add enough wine to cover ~1/3 to 2/3 of the bottle. Simmer for an hour or so. Ah!

9. Serve over cooked rice, or pasta, or nothing at all.

It's tasty, a little time intensive, but so rich and wonderfully UMPH-afied, it's really beautiful. And tasty.

I love accessories

2009-11-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

Got to use my pretty red plaid umbrella today in the rain. Giant umbrella and massive winds = wondering if it's worth the trouble. LOL...But it IS so very pretty! I'll see if I can't take a picture or two of my outfit today, as I've gotten several comments/compliments on it. Which is really great. Although I'm kind of sad when I come to work and have to put away my umbrella, scarf, and coat, as they add so much to the outfit.

I'm realizing that accessories are really the amazing parts of outfits. Your clothes, unless they're so completely awesome like this outfit are much more of a good palette to work with. Different accessories can change the look of what you're wearing completely.

I LOVE this bag! paired with this hair flower it would be wonderful. I'm not sure it'd GO with this coral necklace pictured to the right, but it's something that's really powerful that I'd actually wear. It would have to be balanced with a more minimalistic outfit, but I like it! This necklace would be a more appropriate with the bag/hair flower. I like it's bulk, but also it's more simplistic elegant hints. (HA! and then I looked at the price. I'm SURE I can get something very similar to it for about $5 at one of the thrift stores around the city.) I love the fact that I can look at things for inspiration that are ridiculously expensive, but then find something close enough to it for less than $20 at a thrift store. Oh how I love shopping "green"!

31 Happy Thoughts

2009-11-05T10:56:00.000-08:00

This past week or two has been kinda hard on me emotionally/mentally (and vicariously Paul too, since he's my sounding board - I can't express how much I appreciate his willingness to love and put up with me at my worst). There's no real seious reasons for this, just minor accumulations between outside stimuli and my own weird brain. I don't like feeling this way very much and I came to the realization that if I want it to change I need to do something about it. So some serious reflection occurred last night and some poking around with what I really want. My viewport has twisted around to see things from a different angle. It's so nice when that happens after you've been seeing something from one ugly angle for so long.

So to celebrate I am supplying you with 31 happy thoughts I've had today. (I pick 31 because it ITSELF is a "happy number". Look it up.) *disclaimer: these are in NO particular order. at all. Mainly because my brain isn't organized.*

1. I love Paul. The flowers he brings me on my desk remind me of that, his hugs remind me of that, I remind me of that. He loves (or tolerates patiently) EVERY little part of my personality. I don't ever have to pretend with him. I can be honest and huggy and exactly who I am and he loves me for that. And he is just about one of the best, respectful, caring, thoughtful and full of thoughts person I've ever met. He's the icing on my cake.

2. My family is alive and well. My dad was sick last Thursday through Tuesday in the hospital with an infection. He could have possibly had to have had surgery. He's at home resting up right now. I talked to him Tuesday and I'm immensely grateful for him and my mother. I love them and that is as much a part of my life as my need to eat. All of my family and parent/"adopted" parents are a wonderfully special part of my life.

3. AND 4.

There's also this beautiful strikingly gorgeous woman who works in my building. African American with skin the color of perfectly creamed coffee, a gorgeous bone structure - strong, proportionate in almost every way and yet elegant at the same time. Very feminine. I see her about twice a day every day in the elevator lobby. She's always professionally and demurely dressed in really nice clothes that always seamlessly go together. Her hair is about neck length and SUPER HUGE and just gorgeous in moderately tight curls. Every time I see her I am happy because her beauty is close to a sublime work of art that touches you. I saw her twice today, so that's why it's two happy thoughts.

5. I've been digging around for online vintage sites and found a few, thought I'd share. A list of vintage clothing sites. Really the "Bee's Knees"! I know I'm a little slow, but I knew nothing about etsy until yesterday...and here's an etsy vintage clothing directory. And I really do love this girl's personality and blog she also has a great etsy site. To make things a little easier, here's an online vintage clothing directory. Also - Mod Cloth....what a cool name. Yay!

6. There's a guy at work in his ?late 50's? early 60's? Who's the architecutral code genius. Isn't a fashion person by a long shot, and is recognizable by his outboard white hair cloud around his head and glasses, but his leather shiny autumn leave golden brown shoes today ROCK. After telling him they were great - I saw him get more excited than I ever thought he could be about shoes. It was so cute.

7. I'm met Andrew for coffee this afternoon. He's been in Butan for several weeks and it was really nice to see him. I appreciate the support/encouragement/tips he gives me on being active/reaching my goals and the chance to catch up with him.

8. I got to work this morning. With nasty headwinds and less than a 6" gap close call with a delivery truck trying to kill me I can say that I was truely happy (and adrenaline pumped) to get to work this morning.

9. Mmm....silky hose feel so good in high heels.

10. I still don't have a front fender on my bike since it went wonky and I had to remove it. The asphalt backwash wasn't particularly pleasant, but I LOVED how the spray looked in front of my headlight coming home and the rain cascading in front of the oncoming car's headlights. Riding a bike through connects you to your environment in a way that any other transportation I've participated in can't even come close.

11. Puppies. That's all a girl's got to say.

12. It's raining. Normally I wouldn't be super psyched about this. It's Seattle, it rains. BUT I bought that amazing umbrella a few days ago and I've yet to use it. I can take it out for a spin soon. Mmmmmmmm....pretty things!

13. Pandora is doing really well with playing what I want to hear this afternoon.

14. I found new blogs to look at today I like. I've added a few of them to my "follow blog" list on the side. Check 'em out.

15. I got some alone time tonight as Paul was/is .....somewhere? I like that I come home sometimes just to myself and my thoughts.

16. One coworker's scarf was really pretty fuzzy varying shades of blue. It was beautiful.

17. I got a lot of work done at work. This in itself isn't necessarily a happy thought, but the thought I got some boring tedious work out of the way that I don't have to do tomorrow makes me happy.

18. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow. It's Friday, I get paid, and since there's no blues dancing I'm going window shopping at a bunch of new (to me) vintage/thrift stores and then I'm going to write at a coffee show. Doesn't that just sound like a wonderful day?

19. My house is clean and pretty (thanks to Paul)

20. Today's been a day resplendent with mental connections and patterns in sight, color, sound, and hidden meanings. I love days like that.

21. The shower at work this morning turned instantaneously hot instead of taking 10 minutes to warm up. I love hot showers. PLUS I didn't have to wait for someone else to get out of the shower...which is always nice.

22. Doing yoga - I love feeling the warmth spread out into my body and the release in tensed up muscles.

23. I'm really happy I'm spending Thanksgiving weekend with a friend. Paul and I are going to spend the weekend with Danae at her parents house. YAY!

24. I'm thankful for my health.

25. I love argyle. I was wearing an argyle sweater today and this pretty boy in the elevator this afternoon was wearing one and a girl had an argyle scarf on waiting for the bus on my bike route home. It's such a great pattern and fall is so perfectly compatible with it.

26. Coffee. Coffee is happy in a cup.

27. One of my coworkers and I chatted for a bit over lunch. She's amazing and every time I get to spend a little time with her, I'm a little happier. I respect her very much.

28. My organized closet (and my recent found ability to put my clothes away) makes my life so much easier and visually more pleasing.

29. I made great time from Freemont coming home on my bike even though there were winds and it was raining.

30. Nina Simone whispering sultry like in my ear while I watch red and golden leaves dance frantically around rain laden trees.

31. Yogurt, raisins, and granola for lunch. Little bits of fruit thrown in. SO good.

Starting out the mid morning/afternoon with this post in mind has been really unique. Try it someday. Try to come up with a large number of happy thoughts to write down later... your day changes for the better.

Vintage-tastic

2009-11-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

More new thrift store purchases made today....a GREAT vintage red plaid umbrella that's huge and wonderful...$23! A crocheted beret, that was just to perfect to pass up, and a pretty lavender/blue/white silk scarf that I'm wearing tomorrow. I'm going to try to start taking some pictures to show the amazing finds I've been having. I went to this Vintage underground bazaar like place in Freemont. I saw a black version of this purse to the left that I was in love with at the store, but they, like Vintage Vixen that sports the above purse, want more than I want to pay for it.

Searching this evening online for vintage stores/outfits/ensembles, I ran across a couple of really cute/fun sites. There's this quirky "out fit in a kit" that's reasonably priced for an entire ensemble. Can you imagine how fun that would be for a job! I'll be checking back to see their rotating items. And this site Posh Girl Vintage has some amazing pieces!

I'm falling pretty hard for the vintage look right now. Loving the treasure hunt feeling, the great finds you can make for almost next to nothing, the relaxing time of sorting through a myriad sea of miscellaneous items, and the pure personality of all this fun stuff. The only thing that's a downer is that these olden days women were not only tiny waisted, but they had crazy small feet. :( So sad. However, I'd like to state for the record I do not believe "90's" stuff qualifies for vintage and that the 80's were generally the dark ages when it comes to fashion. Puff paint was never pretty.

Morphism

2009-11-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

Change. Sometimes is smacks you in the face, other times it sneaks through the back door unnoticed and before you realize it, you're serving it beef bourguignon at the dinner table asking it if it'd like mineral water or red wine with dinner.

"Well hello Change. How long have you been here?"

I wasn't one who was very concerned with beauty or clothes when I was younger. I was adamant until 10 or so that I was a tomboy, not a lady. My favorite pieces of clothing when I was very young were a pink windbreaker, spandex knee length black shorts with fluorescent green lime stripes down the side (hey - I was 6 and it was the 80's). I had a pink cotton mini skirt until I was 11 that I wore until it literally fell apart. During my teenage years I wore blue or black clothing. That was the options. There weren't any other colors in my closet. I had no stamina for shopping for clothes and thought spending money on clothing was a waste of time, resources, and energy.

Oh how I've changed!

Paul and I had a beautiful day thrift store shopping today. We ate breakfast at a great place in Freemont and wandered around to a store called Junk, which was awesome, then wandered

in and out of some other vintage/thrift stores in the area and I had some great finds! It was an amazingly perfect day with sunshine and decent temperatures and I'm realizing I LOVE pretty things. I love accessories and fur coats and beautiful shoes. I love things that are pretty. Granted, most things I find are crap, but I don't like most clothing trends. I may be more excited by fun clothes, shoes, purses, and jewelry, but I'm really damn picky.

I found a great pair of black and red cowboy boots at LAVintage. I'm SUPER psyched because I've been looking for some black and red cowboy boots in my size for a long time and have never been able to find them. I checked out The Clothes Horse blog I follow and ended up there. That's another hint I've changed. I cannot imagine me 10 or 5 or even 3 or even 2 years ago daily checking out a clothing theme blog. Now, I search them out to find new ways to put clothes together to create an aesthetic that pleases me and reflects a bit of who I am. Please check out this 13 year old's fashion blog. Amazing.

This creation of a personal aesthetic did start when I was 14 or so. I'd sew together crazy combinations of pants to make my own, sew pop tabs into my jeans, wear paper clips for earrings and make pillow cases into skirts.

Now it's much different. Its not about shocking people, or being so different I stand out, or acknowledging since I don't fit in I will make it easy for everyone else to visually identify me as an outcast. Now I'm reflecting a vastly different aesthetic. I want elegance, subtle unique seamless beauty. I want pieces that are as comfortable as they are eye catching. I want to look effortless and at the same time completely put together, tied together, complete. Like I said, it's going to take time but honestly I've really loved everything I've gotten recently.

Escher Perspective

2009-11-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

With the addition of the corset and the closet cleaning I've been more "put together" lately. Which has resulted in an Escher like perspective on beauty, attractiveness, and how people respond to appearance.

It's a loop that eats itself when I try to analyze what responses I've received. The basic line of thought originating in - being pretty makes people respond more positively towards me. How? Why? How do I feel about that? What does that mean to me as a person, to my approach on aesthetics?

Being properly 'put together', a complete, neat, ensemble that's coordinated and well-thought out, increases confidence and changes the way I carry myself. (corsets are GREAT for posture!) It makes me feel pretty and attractive....which results in bubbly happy outgoing Amanda, which is attractive in and of itself. So when people are attractive/nice to me, are they responding to my appearance or to my personality? Can you separate the two?

I really can't complain that people pay more positive attention to me when I look attractive. I pay more positive attention to people who dress well and take care of their appearance. Being hypocritical doesn't seem honest. Plus, how you look is a reflection of who you are to some extent. How you present yourself to the world around you, what care you take to be thoughtfully compiled. The only negative thing I've reaped from being more 'put together' is the extended time, care, and attention to detail it takes to get ready and keep myself unmessy. It also makes me painfully aware of the lack of clothing, shoes, jackets, and hosiery in my closet. Building a nice wardrobe is going to take quite some time, searching for appropriate styles.

So I'm eating my way through this new loop as to what it means to dress myself in the morning (only took 25 years...) and aesthetics as what it means to me.

What I know about me.

2009-10-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Deep red colors sooth me and make me happy.

I buy clothes for their texture against my skin

more than I do for their flattering lines.

Hugs are more important than anything else to me.

I could live a while without food,

but I would wither away without physical affection.

I believe my words have power,

can soothe a wounded heart, show hope,

help someone know that they're loved

and not alone.

I love that my body is an instrument,

playing a soliloquy of emotive beauty dancing,

an intimate whispering dialogue with those I love,

that my smile is honest, true, and unrestrained.

I'm fascinated by the freckles that migrate and

populate my body like daisy's in the spring.

I know I'm scared to communicate sometimes

because I fear for the worst,

the unrealistic, implausible ramifications

that stop my words get caught in the middle of my throat.

And I instantaneously see beauty spirit in those

I know almost nothing about.

I ask a lot of questions because I don't want to miss out.

I follow whichever way my heart goes,

even though it doesn't clue me in to the why sometimes.

Late at night, I often feel so much for other people

I don't know how to let that out.

I refuse to spoil it with words,

although I desperately want a way to describe what I feel

so they know how important they are,

how inspired I am by the beauty

of them being exactly who they are.

Gloomy Days

2009-10-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

So Fall is here. And that means chilly weather (not too terrible) little sunshine and rain. Which makes me sad. I LOVE Fall, but the lack of sunlight has made me kind of gloomy.

I had a fairly ok weekend. I got a couple of nifty shoes for super cheap. I'll post pictures later. I felt very cosmopolitan for some reason. I don't know if it was getting out of the beautifully Fall laden city to go up along the water with amazing views to this tiny little tavern to drink great beer and listen to good music, or how my pretty strappy leather looking black shoes made me feel walking around, or the insane amount of coffee I drank and unconsciously rated each drink as to the flavor, smoothness, and coloration of the espresso. A few friends and I drove up to"> Bellingham, WA and saw Ellis, who was the most absolutely perfectly gorgeous androgynous women I've ever saw. Ah! So many pretty dyke girls there! There were two beautiful singers before her - Chuck E Costa and Mia Bloomfield. Beautiful cellist (Mia) and Chuck had a great voice. Had one of the all time best beers I've ever had - Ten Fidy. I'm in love. It's too bad I'm not sure if I'll ever find it again since it's a seasonal beer. I contacted the brewery and hopefully they sell it somewhere around here.

It's very frustrating on the weight loss front. I've been doing good on my eating habits and mediocre/blah on my exercise regimen. After a week of being very good I lost no weight, but gained some instead and have been fluctuating up and down between the extra two pound gain with 1/2 a lb. weight loss with no real sense of why. So...that's that.

Hugs all day long

2009-10-21T11:57:00.001-07:00

So I...um..... . . . . gave myself an early birthday present (I know, it's two months early. I'm aware of this.) I was grumpy and pms-y feeling quite blehck for the last day or so. I completely rearranged my closet and the bedroom. Figuring I'd put the grumpitude to good productive use. And I was getting more and more frustrated with the fact that in the past year I've only gotten rid of clothes, bought new clothes, only to lose weight to where THOSE new clothes were too big as well. I separated the goodwill clothes from the trash clothes from the possible consignment shop clothes. And I was left with the blah clothes that are universally bland, but fitable and a few good pieces. Standing back from my work I was shocked.

I. Have. No. Clothes.

I barely take up one side of the closet. My boyfriend has more clothes than I do. That's wrong. Granted, it's because I was (and am again) losing weight so buying expensive clothing isn't really practical since I'll grow out of it. Plus, Paul is a fashionista who has an amazing wardrobe.
But damn it - I should have SOME clothes. And I was aching for that beautiful corset I tried on a few days ago. Paul and I were having a meandering day on Sunday (although he's getting sick, :( I'm sorry for giving him my bug). But we managed to meander downtown to Diva Dollz and after a happy hour or so of trying on and sampling and discussion - I GOT A CORSET!!!!!!!

It's pretty and I love it! It's like a good hug, all day long.

I love this shot.

Ignore my face part, but this is a great shot of the back of the bolero and the lacing on the corset.

Coping with Fibromayagia

2009-10-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine had a relative who was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia (or CCS - Constantly Crappy Syndrome) I wrote her an e-mail of some with some tips I thought of, and thought I would share with those who are currently coping with fibromyalgia.

- I take 10 mg of lexapro (SSRI) a day and that immediately reduced my pain. However, my symptoms arose when I went off of this medication before, so it’s possible that this is only applicable to me (this brand). It's also possible that going on the medication made me more susceptible to this diagnosis in the first place.
- SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) can reduce nerve pain
- Doctors recommend Aspirin but Ibuprofen worked much better for me. It’s ok to take 1,000 mg / dose every 3 hours or so of Ibuprofen for up to a month before hurting your body’s systems. That’s not true for Aspirin.
- Massages and stretching helped A LOT. It hurt at first, but consistent massages (with a practitioner who you communicate easily with on what is tolerable and not tolerable) was really helpful.
- Heating pads worked AMAZINGLY well. Hot baths, Jacuzzis, etc…also work really well. Icing some parts helped, made others worse.
- Booze made it MUCH worse. It compounded feeling like crap like crazy.
- Simple carbohydrates - sugary drinks, sweets, lots of bread, popcorn, white rice, etc… REALLY increased the fatigue.
- Depression is very common with chronic pain. Please be sure to talk to someone who understands a chronic illness (friend, family, coworker, therapist, doctor). Talking about what you’re going through is VERY important. I would have a crying time occasionally and feel emotionally a lot better. Be sure to eat enough. A lot of times, depression leads to a lack of appetite, which makes you feel worse, which makes you not want to eat, which perpetuates. Force yourself to eat if necessary. IT WILL make you feel better.
- Having a friend/someone who is with you a lot suggest times when you’re worse and better is a great way of having an outside opinion of triggers. My boyfriend was the one who discovered going off the SSRI was the beginning of my fibromyalgia symptoms and the one who recommended going back on it (it worked).
- Try as much as possible to reduce stress. Tell people no.
- Listen to your body. If you’re starting to feel worse, don’t go and party/do more than you should. That was really hard for me to deal with, but it’s important to rest up before it gets really worse.

Beautiful Find

2009-10-16T13:46:00.001-07:00

So I bought a cheap "corset" a week ago. Totally great find, stretchy and comfortable, beautiful and pretty. I was waiting to find the right way to wear it where it would be practical and comfortable. I found a blouse it fit under and wore it today.

It's Amazing and it's not even a real corset. There's this great shop downtown called Diva Dollz a block away from my work, so I sauntered down there over my extended lunch break and spent an hour trying on corsets and getting the low down on them. I am beyond in love with them. I've now found something I am in ecstatic joy absolute amazed aplomb serenity with. I like them. A lot. Obviously, real corsets aren't cheap. And they require things like pretty dresses to put on under them and heels to wear with them. So I'm on a mission. To find and obtain corset ok clothes and to buy a gorgeous hand selected corset made to my order in the color of my choice next month and I CAN'T WAIT.

I have to say, wearing a corset for even that short amount of time, and my faux-corset feels so supremely different than anything else I've ever experienced. And they're SO pretty on me. The shape of my body lends itself very well to the fit of it and it's very supportive and secure and feminine.